Out of Order

SUMMARY: Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi thinks Kanda's crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you're coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn't matter in the least.


Thinking on it, viciously and murderously, Kanda blames his master.

Their "team"--as grouped exorcists are called after Edo, as much it makes it sound like they're into schoolyard sports-- is crossing the Pyrenees to get back to headquarters when the old bastard decides to open his mouth and consequently, the gates of Hell.

They're a bit closer (spatially) than they usually are on these forced sessions of "rendezvous with your General to make sure the Earl hasn't got him yet". Last night at the inn, Noise had pulled Kanda aside for a word. (That had not boded well. People don't take Kanda aside for private words of caution anymore. They let him do what he wants.)

Today is the anniversary of Daisya's death and the flow of Tiedoll's radish-like nose is as steady as the Tiber. He keeps disturbing the still mountain air by trumpeting into an old scrap of canvas. Noise, who's always been rather stoic himself, hesitatingly pats the old man on the back, looking over the hunched shoulders at Kanda's twitching eye.

It's not like Kanda had hated Daisya. Despite Daisya's somewhat abrasive personality, he had been a reliable comrade and lot nicer to Kanda than he had to be. Kanda had known, vaguely, that the death date was sometime around this time of year. He had meant to go to the Order's chapel as soon as they got back to say a prayer before Daisya's ashes. That's off-putting enough because the Order, being what it is, always leaves a riotously bright pile of flowers by the urn instead of the classic, reverent white. (Kanda is sometimes convinced that the members of the Order are gleefully difficult on purpose rather than stupid. The Black Order is the ADD bastard child of a military base and a circus. )

Noise doesn't push for anything, knowing the magnitude of the favor in asking Kanda to be especially kind and attentive to the master today. Kanda's doing something like that by not pulling ahead at least five paces from the geezer, which he usually does so he can pretend he isn't associated with the frizzy-haired lunatic.

That means he's in earshot when Tiedoll pulls himself midway through a sob to curdle Kanda's blood.

"Yuu, you've grown into such a fine-looking boy…I can't believe you haven't found someone yet."

Kanda stops. "…What?" he drips concentrated acid. Noise, who's learned years ago how to keep his composure during the inevitable bouts of tension between his sentimental master and his frigid teammate, actually freezes.

"Oh, my poor Daisya." Tiedoll moans, bouncing the frame of his glasses up with the heel of his hand to scrub at his gushing eyes. "That's something I always regretted…that he never found someone before he died…No, no, Kanda…I won't make the same mistake with you…you…you have to…"

And that's when they have to take a detour and sit on the grass by the side of the road, because General Tiedoll's blubbering has reached the level of howls and there's nothing more awkward than trudging along to an old man in tears.

"Anyways" he addresses Kanda as Noise soothes him by rubbing his back, "Yuu, now that you're older and more mature (Noise stares uncomfortably at the toes of his boots), I feel like I can speak to you openly now. I'm the closest you've ever had for a father (Not "ever," Kanda thinks sardonically. I didn't spontaneously generate from a rock.) and I'm responsible for seeing you into proper manhood."

Dear gods, if the grizzled septuagenarian launched into the "birds and the bees" talk with his almost-twenty apprentice, Kanda was going to take his chances diving off the side of the cliff and he doesn't think Noise will be too far off in following.

"You're at that age…there must be someone you like. And with that face, I can say for sure that there's someone who likes you."

"NO." Kanda intones flatly.

"Don't say that Yuu…it's the way of the human heart to seek out another when it's lonely, and a human is never lonelier than when the world itself despairs…" Tiedoll honks into his rag. "And now the world is even darker than it was than when it was Daisya's time to go…"

Kanda is violently gesturing over Tiedoll's misty-eyed gazing into the distance for Noise to do something, but understandably, Noise just shrugs helplessly.

"I know you haven't been exposed to many women…I always told you that you were too young, kept you in the inns with me while I let Noise and Daisya run around with the girls they met…you were furious with me, but I always thought that there was plenty of time for that kind of thing later…plenty of time for you to figure those kinds of things out…And now…" He heaves a gusty sigh.

"But…I suppose you must like that girl Lenalee. I saw how much of a gentlemen you were to her in Japan after she hurt her legs. Good, good, she's such a sweet thing…and such a lovely girl…she might be the only women in the world who could have you as a lover without getting a complex about you being prettier…"

"Master." Noise cuts in softly before the vein in Kanda's temple has a chance to burst and splatter them all. "Everyone knows that Lenalee Lee and Allen Walker are…um, fond…of each other…" Noise hangs his head in shame for behind reduced to gossip-mongering so he can defend Kanda's pride. Kanda is too incensed to be properly grateful for the sacrifice of dignity.

"Ah, I see…Well, I noticed that too, but I was hoping…" General Tiedoll moustache shifts in a smile of fatherly affection. "I was thinking, my boy's so much better looking, it's no contest in the long run. But Allen, he's a good boy too, I'm happy for them…"

There are at least a dozen incentives for Kanda to commit foster-patricide at this point, but Noise warningly taps the side of his earphones to let Kanda know if he attempts something, he'll be thwarted.

"Well, there's that Miranda woman, but she's a bit old for you…No…? Well, are there any boys you like, Yuu?"

There's a dozen more and it's a lucky thing that Noise is one of the most experienced exorcists in the Order. His invisible wires are fast enough to snare Kanda's wrist as it makes a lightening-quick grab for his hilt.

"I always thought it was a little strange that you didn't seem interested in the other sex…Could it be because…? Oh, I don't care so much, don't worry about that…Youth is finicky sometimes…I'd prefer it if you were able to settle down with a girl for the long-term, but it's very important to act on what you feel now…one thing I've learned from being an soldier, and old, is that you feel so intensely because you don't know what will happen to you tomorrow…or to the person you love. You come to cherish that desperation, you know." Tiedoll becomes dreamy as he slings his pack of rolled-up papers back on.

"This is world is beautiful, I've always said that…I know you'll fall in love with someone, Yuu, you won't want to be alone at the end of the world. Male or female, I don't care, just tell me about him or her whenever it happens, and I'll be able to go in peace…"

"Master…"Kanda chokes out with an admirable amount of restraint, for him. "Is…there…any way you could bother Noise about this instead of me?"

"Eh?" Tiedoll finally takes his frames off his face and starts mopping up the mess on the lenses. "Oh. Well. Noise is writing that girl he met back in Brundisi. You said you wanted to just sleep at the inn, so you must not have met her…I trained that habit into you, what a shame…she's was such a sweet woman…you should have seen Noise working up his nerve. But he got her consent in the end…With Daisya gone…poor Daisya…you're the only one left I worry about…" he motions with the back of his hand to start moving again.

Kanda's hand jerks in its web as he glares at a blushing Noise, who loosens his strings just a tad out of guilt.

"Ah, Yuu, I'm so sorry…" their master laments as they pick up the march again to his weeping lead. "I suppose it's my fault you don't know anything about romance…I've been so overprotective…I should be more honest with you now that you're older…you see, it wasn't about you being too young…I always kept you inside the inns because I was worried what would happen to a pretty young boy walking around on his own…this world can be terrible sometimes, you know…Noise and Daisya, I knew they could take care of themselves…but what chance did Daisya stand against a Noah…? Oh…my poor Daisya…"

As their master continues to reminiscence for the remainder of the trip, Noise keeps Kanda's forearms bound together and makes a point of lashing Mugen firmly against his hip for good measure. He drags a recalcitrant Kanda on his unseen leash all though Italy and halfway through England.


Despite his utter conviction that the old man planted the seed of poison in his brain, truthfully Kanda can't figure out how it happened. Or how he even knows enough about the other person (because God forbid he ever let anyone approach him with a conversation that isn't strictly necessary) to get sideswiped with the unbidden mental "strike!" when he realizes what's happening.

Lenalee's voice hops after his turned back as he goes after an overexcited Crowley already in the distance. She's timid because he's just gotten through with another regularly scheduled stand-off with Allen Walker, who is, admittedly, all but her boyfriend now. Kanda had hoped that the bean sprout would be compelled to try to make less of a fool of himself now that he had the girl around. If only he were smart, he would pretend to be better than he really was when she was around, I.e. stop showing off his obvious prepubescence with his high-pitched whines.

Feh. If anything, the doll-faced boy with the body of a ten-year-old girl had decided the best way to assert his masculinity was to bother someone who actually had it. But a waif-like kid standing up to the Order's powerhouse must be attractive to a goody-two-shoes like Lenalee, Kanda figures.

"G..good luck, Kanda!" she calls after him anxiously. Her silent anticipation for his acknowledgment, which he has no intention of giving, isn't what calls his attention back.

"It's Yuu. He doesn't need it."

That voice stops him. That reassurance isn't meant for him. It's for Lenalee and her tendency to chew off the ends of her newly grown-back hair while seeing people off because nowadays, luck is sparse. But things like that aren't said casually anymore, and without questioning why, Kanda pivots on his heel to a smiling redhead working the hair tips out of Lenalee's mouth.

Kanda can tell that he means it in the way that Allen is attacking his hands on Lenalee and Lavi is concentrating on that instead of sparing Kanda even a sideways glance of concern. He laughs over Allen's earnest snarling and Lenalee's little huffs of indignation.

"I'll see yah when you get back, Yuu!" he manages in distraction. His headband flies from a well-aimed swipe from one of the two tiny exorcists dancing like angered imps below him.

Kanda watches him, ducking left and right and so completely expectant that Kanda will come home safe with all gravely dangerous business taken care of. He's bored of being made to come and say goodbye just in case. He's sincere when he acts as if Kanda is hardwired to be a perfect all-purpose evil cleanser, completely efficient without hugs and kisses and something to fight for. Which he is.

It all starts from Lavi's insensitivity and his understanding of things the way Kanda wants (which may or may not have much to do with reality) and his grin around, but not for, Kanda's march into hypothetical life-or-death that he doesn't care much about himself.

Lavi's claps his gloved hands on the back of Allen and Lenalee's still slightly over-large, childishly proportioned heads to steer them back into the hall. Lavi's the only one out of the three who's old and built enough to be considered a real adult and the short sleeves of his jacket bunch up around his shoulders as he starts chattering about lunch. It's arguable that he's the one who takes the least issue with Kanda's attitude, but at the same time his apathy is stunning.

Kanda literally smacks himself for it later that night in the train compartment as his partner snores , but it's a done deal.

He's completely and utterly in love.


So yeah, I'm basically just making fun of myself and my favorite pairing. A lot of fanfics have Lavi chasing Kanda. Wondered if I could reverse it without it being a complete train wreck. You be the judge. Besides, I actually liked Lavi with pretty much anyone (still kinda do) EXCEPT for Kanda until net fandom ate my soul.

Special thanks to all the Lavi-specialists who helped me along on this one! Check out lilla-bis and Dhampir 74 (on ) to read "Porcupine Love" (crazy Kanda/Lavi) and "Bookman"(Lavi's life story). Also go see miko-no-da and sutlers (miko-no-da., add./) for "The Curse of a Blessing"(sincerely sweet and well-written Kanda/Lavi) and "Baby What a Big Surprise"(crack Kanda/Allen sex fic), which floor me. Thanks to all for being major inspirations!

Aaannndd I would be lying if I said the following people influenced this fic, because honestly I got into their Lavi and/or Kanda fics afterwards, but I'd like to dedicate this fic to them for writing brilliance and support. And their inspiration will probably be evident in my future fics anyways. As such, thanks to momosportif and her "Questions" (striking Tiedoll group fic), Elict and her "Parental Issues" (entertaining and deep Lavi/Kanda), and Nyu-sama's "Being Found" (sexy Lavi profile that will make you laugh and hurt.)

BTW, I do a random D.Gray-man fan arts from time to time, I.e. strychnon./art/D-Gray-man-Morning-81047827

Any requests?


I have a lot of respect for Tiedoll. REALLY. And Kanda is aware of the irony in belittling Allen's masculinity. But he figures he comes off as 100 percent guy on the inside, at least. To quote Lavi, "Yuu's so manly."