I'm Sorry

Somewhere that seems
safe and serene
where the sunlight
will no longer harm you
away from the world
is standing a girl
in sadness
it's cold here without you

He knows about grief. It's become like a layer of skin that sits just above what people can see. He'd grown into that skin, beginning with his mother's death as a child, then the death of his sister's childhood when she became a mother herself, the death of his dreams for a full life when his dad got sick and finally the death of his father.

He thought he'd gotten the chance to shed that skin; that he'd grown out of it like a snake. He should have known better. He took a chance on love and true to form he failed. He failed her in so many ways; moving too slowly, thinking too much, not believing that she could possibly love him.

But son of a bitch she did love him. He realized this after, after she left, after she ran to that sorry excuse of a man because he couldn't jump. He'd lay awake in his cold bed, alone because she took all the warmth from his life. Yes, he had his daughter, but his heart was still in a winter freeze.

take this as you wish
take my nightmare spinning
into the clouds
and out in the cold air
Saturday came fast
you're sober at last
and all that I could do was stand there.

He looked out his apartment window having awoken once again at three a.m. reliving the stupid mistakes he'd made. He doesn't even have to close his eyes to see his nightmares anymore. She stood in front of him begging him to marry her, and each time just like in reality he stands there. She fucking begged him to marry her. What did he do to break that beautiful, strong independent woman?

The dreams started that next night, when she told him what she'd done. The anger flared and all he could do was blame everyone else. He blamed her, of course and Christopher. He blamed Anna for keeping April from him and creating this mess in the first place. He blamed the town for letting him know when she started to date again. He blamed Taylor for just being Taylor. Finally he had no other choice but to realize that he was at fault. He was simply incapable of dealing with overwhelming emotions.

She needed him and he failed her, she was feeling unloved. Damn it! Unloved! Only one person could create the situation where she would feel unloved. I'll take 'Emotionally Impotent Fianc├ęs' for 1000 Alex. That answer would be, 'Who is Luke?'

ahhh ooo..
and the rain came and washed away the tears that no one cried.

Where did you go?
Why didn't I follow?
Why does the end have to be right now?
Why do you fight?
When can you see me?
I still feel so wrong

He now knows that she went to Christopher. She needed to break from him and that was the surest way to create a chasm. It tore a hole in their relationship the size of the Grand Canyon. She pushed him for an answer, he wasn't able to respond quickly and she left. She seemed to think that since he'd quickly said yes to her proposal the previous year that he'd learned to jump.

He'd never been able to tell her that the reason he said yes without thinking was that he had been thinking about it, but he never thought that she'd really want to marry him. Hell he'd bought a house well, sort of. That was why he could answer so quickly, but then he lived in his head and kept April from her, kept secrets because he didn't want to give her reasons to leave him.

Yeah, that went well. Then, when she really needed him to tell her how much he loved her, he let her down. Again.

6 months pass
I'm so tired
It seems the whole world is changing
Part of the plan is just
carry on slowly
but I can't tell if you are still endearing

When he saw the ring in the hospital it almost killed him. But she was there, he needed her and she was there. Just like that amazing letter, he's sure the judge ruled in his favor based on that letter alone. When she read it in court he felt a huge weight settle on his soul. This amazing woman knew him, loved him beyond all reason and he let her go. Threw her out actually, created a life that no sane person, not even one as crazy as she is, would want to live in.

She didn't tell him when her marriage died. Miss Patty and Babette made sure he knew, but at the time what did they expect he'd do? He figured that if she wanted him she knew where he was. Then Taylor brought in more hay than had ever been in the state of Connecticut before and things were moving again.

I just want you to know
that I feel like everything's different
people change and people stay
the world just goes on different ways
and I'm alive
and I'm alive
and you're the same.

That was when April came back and his cute smart teenage daughter had sprouted into a beautiful young woman whose interests were more like a girl's and he was lost as to what to do with her. He was at sea literally.

When he saw her at Lane's baby-shower she told him that she didn't know him anymore, he'd bought a boat in a day and he'd sold his dad's boat to Kirk. He scared her because she thought he was purging everything from his old life. She didn't see it as him making room for something new.

Or maybe she did, what upset him the most though was that she didn't fight him. She was very polite and accommodating and he started to think that maybe he was wrong. Maybe she didn't even like him anymore, he'd only seen her this polite with strangers at her inn.

Then her car died and she asked him to help her pick out a new one. They started out looking and everything was very civilized. Of course water torture starts out as just a few drops of moisture. After three hours of wandering and debating and anthropomorphizing the various cars they started to argue like they used to.

He didn't realize it until he got home but she had. She smiled in the middle of the argument and he chastised her for it. She denied smiling and accused him of low blood sugar offering him an ancient Oreo. When he got home he realized how right it felt and how much he missed her. He wanted her back in whatever way he could have her.

He thought they were on the right track when she sang to him at KC's. He knew it was for him even though he told Liz it wasn't.

But then she came into the diner and told Hello Magazine that it was just a song. Damn it, he had started to hope in a future. So he pulled up his wall one more time, gave her the coffee and pastry to go and shut her out again. He shook his head as he looked at the rain out his window.

It took him a few more weeks to realize that he was still hurt and he wanted to punish her for his pain.

Where did you go?
Why didn't I follow?
Why does the end have to be right now?
Why do you fight?
When can you see me?
I still feel so wrong

He told himself that if he got the chance to make her happy he'd take it by God. Never again would he let her feel unloved, if he only got the chance. The nightmares started again that night. In his dreams he saw her walk away and his feet had grown roots as if he were a tree. He called out to her time and time again but his voice got lost in the wind.

He had the nightmare again tonight. He'd had early deliveries all this week, gearing up for the winter festivals that Taylor is insisting they have since the gas prices were inching up and people were staying closer to home. He insisted that they take advantage of 'backdoor vacationers' as he called the surrounding townspeople. But all this extra stress had him reliving his failures in his dreams.

Somewhere that seems
safe and serene
where the sunlight
can no longer harm you
away from the world
is standing a girl
and I, I'm sorry

While he's looking out the window, still holding the empty glass of water he feels a head bump against his back between his shoulder blades. He smiles as she leans against him.

"Another bad dream babe?" He looks at her, her eyes still closed and he envelopes her in his arms.

"Nope, same one." He holds her close and kisses the top of her head.

She snuggles closer, her rings catching the light from the streetlamp outside, matching the plain band of his own. "Love Story hon."

Luke chuckles, "Lorelai, sometimes love does mean you say you're sorry. After all, 'those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.' I promised you at our wedding that I'd never let a day go by without telling you I love you and it's been at least three days."

She shook her head still keeping her face buried in his chest. She then looked up at him and his heart broke with the beauty of her smile.

She snaked her arm around his neck and pulled him to her for a sensuous kiss. "You remember kissing me like that yesterday?"

He nodded mutely. "You told me you loved me by the way you kissed me. Before you stopped kissing me, you stopped holding me, stopped sleeping in our bed. That's when I felt unloved Luke. You've never been the one with the words, but you've always been an actions kind of guy. So you want to tell me you love me?"

She was smiling at him as he was only able to nod his head. "Then show me."

He picked her up in his arms and as he was turning away from the window they both saw that the rain had changed to snow.

A/N I know I still owe you all a chapter on Learning a New Dance, but I heard this new song by a group called The Working Hour and I fell in love with it. If you want to hear it go to my profile and the link's there. Let me know what you think of this too if you don't mind.