He's Like...

AN: this is a series of one shots packed into one story. I was watching Family of blood and I was thinking about that speech Timothy gave and I just thought, why not turn that into something funny so here it is…Enjoy and review!

He's Like Fire...

The Doctor had donned an apron, much to Rose's amusement, and now stood in the kitchen of the Tardis...staring.

"Doctor, are you alright?" asked Rose. She was pretty sure that he hadn't a clue what he was doing but due to the fact she had made a bet with him that said he couldn't make a meal without something going wrong, it now meant the Doctor wasn't going to admit he need help. Nor was he going to admit he was wrong.

"Fine! fine!" he muttered, in response to her question. "Just getting the creative juices going in my mind."

"We could just get a takeaway if you can't do it." she suggested.

The Doctor turned around and looked at Rose, outrage apparent on his face. "Rose, I am over 900 years old. I am pretty capable of making some food for the two of us. It's just I can't remember how to do it at this precise moment. Maybe if you leave me alone for a while and I'll call you when it's done."

Rose nodded her head, trying hard not to laugh when she saw him pick up a saucepan and examined it with his sonic screwdriver. As she slowly headed out the door, she muttered. "Aliens! Too stubborn to admit they can't do something."

Ten minutes after Rose had left the room the Doctor had examined everything in the kitchen he could find and yet he still did not know what to do. He was so sure he had done this before. Why couldn't he remember it now?

Slowly he picked up a saucepan and headed over to the stove. "Okay, it's just me and you saucepan. If you don't blow up on me I won't turn you into a metal Barbie girl. I know! I know, harsh terms but just make sure everything goes okay. And you'll still have your dignity and I'll have mines.Got it?"

The Doctor started throwing in random ingredients into his pot. The Doctor was balancing a cookbook on his elbow as he threw in a couple of carrots. They were good for the eyes, weren't they? Or was that corritons from Marrecusue. He could never remember.

It was then when the worst possible thing that could ever happen to someone balancing more than six items over a hot stove. The Doctor now had to sneeze.

"Aha..." He could feel it coming "Ahaha..."

He was helpless to resist when it finally came. "AHHHAAAAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The items in his hands fell loose from his grip when he went to cover his nose. And before his horror he saw the old dusty cookbook he had been balancing on his elbow fall into his slurp of so called food.

Without thinking he reached into grab it, hopefully before it contaminated the food. As soon as the liquid touched his skin, he realised he had made a stupid mistake.

His hand felt like it was on fire as he hopped around blowing on it. "Hot hot hot hot hot..."

He opened the fridge door and stuck his and into the bucket of ice they conveniently had in there. "Ahhhhhhhhhh..." he said delightfully, "Much better."

Ten minutes later and the Doctor had went back to cooking. He was now trying to microwave a tin of beans Two minutes later it blew up. The Doctor remained unhurt save for his hair being covered in beans. He spent 20 minutes fixing his hair until it got back its shiny vibrant self, with the help of 'Head and Shoulders' shampoo and conditioner.

"Doctor, is it ready yet?" asked Rose, knocking on the door.

"Yeah, almost done Just give me an half an hour or so." he said averting his gaze back to the heap of food that scattered the table and floor. He walked over to the fridge and opened the door.

"Eggs!" he cried, gleefully.

"What?" he heard Rose say, behind him.

"Nothing, I'll call you when it's done." he shouted back whilst juggling the eggs. He could make eggs. Eggs were simple. At least he remembered them being easy to make.

He got out the frying pan and began to work his magic. They sizzled as the Doctor smiled happily. Nothing was going wrong. He decided to go get some bread to stick in the toaster. Simple! And Rose said he couldn't cook.

He popped the bread and looked at it carefully, placing his hands on the counter. He sniffed the air. "That smells good!" he said aloud to himself.

Was it always this warm? He looked down at his hand and noticed the orange flame gleam back at him.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" he screamed, finally noticing he was on fire. "I'm on Fire! I'm on Fire! I'm on Fire!"

He dropped to the ground and rolled over again and again. Safe in the knowledge he wasn't on fire anymore, he cautiously got up and saw that his toast and eggs were now burnt to a crisp. Like his white shirt. Thank God he had taken off his jacket when he washed his hair he thought to himself

"I can't let Rose know about this" he muttered.

The Doctor went and picked up the phone and punched in some numbers. On the third ring they answered. "Hello Dominoes. Do you make street calls? You do..."

Two minutes later...

"...blue box. You can't miss it. Yes, I'll pay triple and I'll tip good too just..."

Four more minutes later...

"No this isn't a joke. I actually want it delivered to a blue box..."

Twenty two minutes later...

The Doctor stood waiting outside the Tardis waiting for the pizza man to come. Luckily for him, Rose had fallen asleep waiting for him to finish cooking and just in case he had gotten the Tardis to switch the rooms around just incase she did wake up.

"Finally!" he muttered to himself as he saw the familiar moped from Dominoes.

"Here's your money!" He shoved a handful of notes into the pizza boy's hand and grabbed the pizzas before popping back into the Tardis.

"You forgot your napkins." the boy shouted to the wooden box.

The Doctor's head popped out, grabbed the napkins. "Thanks!"

The boy flicked through the wad of notes that had been shoved in his hand. There was over £500 pounds in the handful and the boy stared back at the blue box in amazement. He shoved the money in his pocket and shouted, "Thanks mate."

It was then that he saw it materialise away. All that was left was air as the boy took a step back before getting on his moped and driving as fast as he could in the other direction.


The Doctor gently woke Rose awake. He whispered softly, "Rose..."

Rose grunted and pulled the covers up more. "Rose, wake up..."

She looked up bleary eyed at the Doctor. "Huh?"

"The food's ready."

She pulled the covers back rubbing her eyes. "It is?"

The Doctor nodded.


Rose sniffed at the pizza before hesitantly taking a bite.It looked okay. It smelt okay. It..tasted good. "This ain't 'alf bad."

"I'll take my money then." The Doctor held out his hand as he munched on a slice of pizza.

Rose reluctantly pulled out a scrunched up tenner from her jeans and handed it over to the Doctor. He went back to eating.


"Hmm..." he said, finishing another slice.

"What happened to the microwave?"

He looked up and mumbled with a mouth full of pizza. "Arsitike dibefencesss"


He cleared his throat and replied, "Artistic differences."

"Oh..." she grinned. "And the pizza boxes in the bin would be?"

"Rubbish from last night's dinner."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah sure it is."

He raised his eyebrows. "Are you calling me a liar, Rose Tyler?"

"Course not!" she said digging into the pizza. "How'd you make it?"

"With pita bread, tomato sauce and an array of meat and vegetables." He replied having memorised the answer. He was sure she was going to ask him that and he was prepared...for once. "Rose, I bet you can' cook a pizza as good as this?"

"I could..." she replied. "It would be better than this one."

He grinned. "Bet you a tenner you couldn't."

24 hours later...

Rose picked up the phone and dialled in a number. She waited as it rang and grinned when she they finally answered. "Hello Dominoes. Do you make street calls?"