A/N: There used to be a show around here, our own, sucky version of The Bachelorette. For reasons that are beyond me, it was a success. This monster was born during a conversation about it and pirates. Don't try and relate them. So, anyway, Sebastian, this goes to you. You should've won, dude.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Deal with it.

Pirates Of Akatsuki

"Come on, Deidara-senpai! Come out!"

"No, Tobi! I look ridiculous, yeah!"

"Deidara-senpai doesn't look ridiculous! Now come out!"

"Don't lie, Tobi. Deidara looks ridiculous."

"Itachi-san! Don't say that!"

"It's just the truth, Kisame. It's a frilly pink dress, after all. Not even Princess Peach pulls it off."

"Now, I don't think Princess Peach looks half-bad in that…"

"Can we please forget about Princess fucking Peach and focus on me, yeah?! I'm coming out of the closet, yeah."

"Tobi would have never guessed Deidara-senpai swung that way!"

"I didn't mean that, yeah!"

And just as Deidara had announce, the blonde artist came out of the closet, wearing the hideous, frilly, silky, and most importantly, pink dress that Tobi had picked out. His hair was loose from its regular ponytail, and he even had crimson lipstick on.

If he was going to be the damsel in distress, he was going to do it right.

Behind his orange mask, Tobi was grinning goofily "See? Deidara-senpai is the perfect damsel in distress! HA! Tobi was sooo right!"

"You look good." Itachi stated dully, though inwardly, he was protesting loudly. His foolish little brother would have been much better in that role…

"Let's just get on with it, yeah." Deidara turned to glare at Itachi and Kisame "And not a word about this to anyone, yeah! Understood, yeah?!"

Both the Uchiha and the swordsman nodded solemnly. They didn't need to tell-- the hidden cameras would show everything.

"Okey-dokey, then! Let's begin!" Tobi beamed, putting on his pirate captain hat, as Itachi and Kisame adjusted their bandanas and gripped their wooden 'swords', which were more like sticks.

"I don't get it," Kisame frowned "Why do you get to be the good pirate captain and we get to be the generic minions?"

"Because, Kisame-san, unlike you, Tobi is a good boy! DUH!" The brunette gave him a thumbs up "And because Kisame-san, Itachi-san, and Deidara-senpai lost the bet!"

"Note to self: never bet on guys named Felix(1)." Itachi muttered grumpily, and the blonde nodded in agreement.


"Yeah," Deidara walked over to the couch, the generic minions' 'ship', and cleared his throat, a much more high-pitched voice coming out now "Oh, no, yeah! Help, yeah! I've been kidnapped by two ugly --and smelly, yeah-- pirates! Who will save me, yeah?!"

"Yarr, yarr. We're evil." Itachi said with no conviction at all, sitting next to their hostage "But we're pretty and smell really good, unlike the damsel in distress we captured, who also happens to be very annoying."

"Hear the torture they make me go through, yeah?! Oh, please! Somebody, save me, yeah!"

"Do not despair, damsel-in-distress-senpai!" Tobi exclaimed, striking a heroic pose "For Captain Tobi is here to save damsel-in-distress-senpai!"

"No, you will not, captain Tobi! I shall stop you! Mwahahahahaha!" Kisame yelled, waving his 'sword' at Tobi.

Kisame's really into character… Itachi thought idly, crossing his arms and sitting back on the couch.

The Kiri missing-nin engaged into a so-called epic battle against the masked boy. Actually, it was more like waving the sticks around and avoiding getting hit. Eventually, Kisame got tired of it, and permitted Tobi to deliver the 'fatal' blow.

"Good-bye, cruel world! Good-bye!" the shark-like man screamed dramatically, falling down to his knees and then completely to the floor, closing his eyes and sticking his tongue out for further effect.

"Aha! There you go, generic minion number one! Captain Tobi has killed you!" Tobi pointed to Itachi "And you're next, generic minion number two!"

Itachi blinked slowly. He then stood up, walked up to Tobi, took the 'sword' from him, and proceeded to 'stab' himself with it.

"There. I'm dead."

Tobi sweat-dropped, but quickly recovered. He pushed the oldest Uchiha to the floor next to Kisame, and started bouncing.

"Yaaay! Tobi killed the generic minions! Tobi saved damsel-in-distress-senpai!"

Deidara sighed heavily, and straightened up "Yeah, you did. Congratulations, yeah." A pause "…You can stop bouncing now, yeah."

Surprisingly enough, Tobi did as told, stopping right in front of Deidara, who suddenly felt very self-conscious with he brunette's eyes --or eye-- fixated on him.

"W-what are you staring at, yeah?" The Iwa missing-nin snapped, but the fact that he was stuttering and slightly blushing made it sound a whole lot less harsh than he intended it to.

Tobi shrugged "Nothing."

Deidara seemed ready to let the incident go, if it wasn't for what Tobi added then.

"Just at the cutest damsel in distress."

Itachi and Kisame, staring from the floor, shared a mischievous glance. Those hidden cameras…

(1) From the show I was talking. He made it all the way to the final, and had a pretty good chance, but he lost.

A/N: There! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

--Not Really Yours