Just Go

Title: Just Go

Name: Joy       

Email: SleepingBeauty2@ziplip.com

Rating: PG

A/N: If you like this story I may continue it. I will need reviews to indicate if other chapters are desired.

            It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. To lose Max to death and Manticore, Logan couldn't help but feel she was alive. Miraculously she was alive and well. But in the moment after he kissed her lips, never hesitating that she was real, his body rejected hers. The virus invaded all of him and now he was left to wonder had the antidote saved him or merely prolonged an agonizing existence without Max.

The gloom of the rainy night made his mood even worse. Asha was buzzing around, vying for his attention. Max was nowhere in sight. And Bling had stepped to the side for the time being until Logan got his head on straight. The rain poured down the glass window as Asha continued to talk at him.

Abruptly Logan turned to look at the blond in his apartment. She was mid-sentence when he said, "Asha, I'd like to be alone… for a while."

"Excuse me?!" she questioned.

"I'm beyond polite right now… Just go."

"Fine… I'll check on you tomorrow," she said gathering her jacket.

"No… You won't." Asha looked at him strangely. "When I said I wanted to be alone for a while I meant days… weeks, rather then hours. I need a break," Logan said holding onto a small amount of air in his lungs.

"Why?! Did I do something?" she asked turning his head as she regarded him, the way Max used to.

He cringed. "When Max was dead, you coming over was mildly okay since you knew I was grieving. Now it feels like I am betraying her by having you here."
            "I can't help that she's poison," Asha snipped.

Logan's eyes filled with fire, "Don't ever say that again."

"I'm sorry. It came out badly… I just don't see why our friendship has to suffer because she's at arms length."

"Because Asha, you're not the one I want to be sharing dinner and wine with. You aren't the one I want to tell stories to. You aren't the one I want to come rescue when things go badly. All that is for Max and Max only… Now I need you to go," he said with a certain degree of finality.

"Fine… Maybe it would be best if a different Eyes Only informant contacts me from now on."

"Maybe so…" They stared at each other a moment before Asha sighed and left the penthouse.

Logan took his position in front of the window once again, staring into the darkness. A slight creak in the wood floor behind him confirmed his sense that Max was in the apartment.

"I meant it…" he called. Silence followed, as Max was unwilling to admit she was eavesdropping. "I don't want to share my life with anyone but you. Touching or no touching." Silence still reigned supreme. "Do you know how awful it feels to have you so close and yet you won't talk to me anymore? My heart broke in those woods… A part of me died with you."

Logan started toward the living room. "When you came in here alive, that part rose like the phoenix in my soul. Even when I knew we couldn't touch, I thought we would still have dinner and chat. I thought I'd at least get to be emotionally close to you still," he said to Max through the transparent walls of his home. He could see her outline, posed ready to retreat.

He rounded the corner and pinned her with his sorrowful eyes saying, "How could I have known you would let them win by giving up? How was I to know you were going to retreat behind the walls of your heart that I so carefully worked to gain access to? Maybe it would have been better if I had died that first night you arrived home? At least then I wouldn't be faced with you keeping me at arms length… not just from your body but from all of you."

Max looked almost scared as she stared back at him. "What do you want from me?" she whispered breathlessly. "I refuse to let you die because of me."

"Fine but don't refuse all the other parts I love in you. Don't refuse me your heart…" he muttered.

Max breathed unevenly feeling trapped and terrified. "I… I don't know how."

"You don't know how to do what?" Logan asked.

"I don't know how to give you … my heart…" she whispered. "I understand how to touch and be touched… I don't know about the rest."

Logan approached her very carefully gazing at her fully and then focusing on her eyes. "Do you know I love you? Can you feel it even though I haven't kissed you or held you tonight? Can't you feel it in the way I regard you, the way I speak to you?"

She had to look away due to the intensity of his eyes and words. She shuttered from the thoughts of him wrapped around her with his body. "We will find a way to beat this but for God sake don't let them destroy us. Don't let them succeed in driving us apart. There is a lot more to life and love then touch."

"Like what Logan? I only know how to show you how I feel with my body. Basic human connection… I didn't learn how to court and be courted. What I know is when I look at you, I want you to make love to me so badly it hurts. I can't risk giving into that feeling in a moment of weakness and have you die," Max responded.

"So that's it… You can't learn to be more then your supposed 'programming.' You a solider first and a woman second… and even then biology is all you have to work with. I'm sorry Max; I don't buy it. You're just scared and lazy. It is easier to throw your hands up and say it can't be done then work at it. Well let me tell you something, any relationship is going to be hard but one between us will be harder. We have to fight for this," Logan answered.

Max sat back on the couch and pouted, unable to decide what to do. Logan sat down putting a fair amount of space between them so Max wouldn't freak out. In the back of his mind he couldn't understand why she couldn't see the potential for touching with the right precaution. He knew if she couldn't accept their relationship on a theoretical level, there was no way it would work on a practical level.

 Logan softened his expression and decided to reach out to her with his poetry. He knew she really liked what he had written her before. The words flowed from him like great streams that had been dammed up and had broken free.

"Forever Eyes

Dark and haunting

Telling me all I need to know

The fear

The doubt

Hope arises briefly

Like an amber

That glows hot then dies

Leaving behind

Only smoke and mist

In my eyes

Does she see the same?

Can she see my fear?

Can she see my hope?

In my eyes

Does she see all she needs to know?

Does she see my love and commitment?

Does she see my pain and frustration?

Does she know what I have gone through?

What I will go through…for her?

My heart is bare

Open for spurn or adoration

I am waiting for my love

For the return of my affection

And yet it will not be

I can see she's already given up

Forever Eyes

Dark and haunting

Do not look at me again

You wound me too much

Because you are unwilling to try

Love me no longer

Let my heart go

Plague my dreams no more

Leave me to my bed to weep

Because you will not move

I stretch out my hand

To embrace your love

I stretch out my heart

To receive it

If you can offer me no more

Then just go

Just go."

            His words echoed in the apartment the way they had echoed in the woods. Max wept wanting nothing more then the simple pleasure of his touch, of his arms comforting her. Slowly Max realized that his arm was around her, comforting her.

            "What are you crazy?" she snapped.

            "You needed comfort," he said simply. "I'm not touching your skin Max. No sweat, tears, saliva… or any other bodily fluid in contact with me. My arm is merely around your well covered back."

            Max blinked a few times dumb founded at the thought. Logan grabbed a pillow and put it in his lap. "Lay your head down Max," he said softly. She faltered for a moment but then obeyed. Logan's hand drifted up and down her back for a few moments as she relaxed.

            "Teach me…" she whispered.

            "What?" Logan asked.

            "Teach me how to be with you," she asked timidly.

            A satisfied smile took over his face. "We'll play it by ear."