Hell Is Other Demons
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy.
Author's Note: Thanks to shesmyeverything for giving me the idea for this fic and cannotloggon103 for the title.
It was a slow night in the Pitchfork Bar & Lounge. The problem with being the only bar in Hell is that you don't get many customers; everybody's either being tormented or busy inflicting torment. Still, a few privileged demons pop in every now and then or a drink or a bite. At one table, several of the most evil beings who ever existed commiserated. The Master, one of the oldest vampires in history sipped blood from a wine glass. Drusilla, the Master's great granddaughter sat plucking petals off a bouquet of flowers. Richard Wilkins, founder and Mayor of Sunnydale was playing solitaire. Adam, the constructed "son" of Maggie Walsh was reading Mein Kampf. Glorificus was being waited on by her minions. Caleb, a preacher that had been in league with the First Evil was dangling a rosary in his hand. It had been centuries since they'd all met their deaths at the hands of the infamous Slayer, Buffy Summers, and they were no less bitter about it.
"What time is it?" The Master asked, looking up from his drink.
"We still have about forty five minutes." Mayor Wilkins said, checking his watch.
"I swear this really is torture." Said the Master, looking with distaste at his drink. "Cold blood. Oh, for the days of hot and fresh food straight from the vein."
"You think that's torture?" Glory asked, outraged. "I broke a nail crushing some guy's skull and they don't have an opening for a manicurist for a week! I have to have to settle for these scabby idiots."
"We shall bring you the manicurist beaten and unconscious for daring to make you wait, O Extra Special One." Jinx said, bowing to Glory.
"I don't know what's more sickening, the idea of a dirty girl god or how you little idiots fawn all over her." Caleb said, shaking his head in disgust.
"You will not insult Her Most Blemish Free Magnificence!" Murk said, angrily poking Caleb in the chest. "You will beg Glorificus' pardon and then…" Before he could get another word out, Caleb grabbed his arm and threw him across the room. He landed with a crash as his head was imbedded in the wall.
"Well, that was a little rude." Said the Mayor.
"Yeah, you owe me a new minion!" Glory whined.
"You are quite strong for a human." Adam said looking at the minion's limp body. "I would love to know how you became this way."
"Divine intervention, Hodge Podge." Caleb said, cracking his knuckles.
"Hey guys!" Came a new voice. The group looked up and groaned; it was Warren. "How are you guys doing?"
"Go away, Meers!" Glory said, waving towards the door.
"Aw come on! I'm just as bad as the next guy!" Warren said, pulling up a chair. "Why won't you guys let me hang out with you?"
"Well, for starters, you're an annoying little gnat." Glory said.
"Not to mention the delusions of grandeur." Added the Master.
"What are you talking about? Me and the Trio kicked serious ass." Warren said defensively.
"Oh please, you're a child." The Master said, rolling his eyes.
"Hey, I was a big threat to the Slayer!" Warren said, tired of this old vampire's taunts. Warren barely got the words out when he found the Master's clawed hand wrapped around his throat.
"Do not speak of the Slayer to me, boy." The Master said, letting Warren fall to the floor in a heap. "What was she to you? Some stock character in your fantasy. I faced the Slayer as she really is: my worthy prey. All humans are my kind's prey, but the Slayer is the only one who ever dared challenge me."
The Master sat back down and continued talking. "I'm the oldest vampire I know of, and part of that is because I went for centuries without crossing paths with one of those wretched girls. It actually amazes me that I only met one in my lifetime."
"Yes, and the first one you met killed you. Perhaps you are not as strong as you believed." Adam said clinically.
"He has a point, Mr. Master." Mayor Wilkins shrugged.
"What do you know of the nature of vampires, you stitched up fool?" The Master snarled. "Besides, I succeeded in killing her."
"She got better." Glory said snidely.
"But she was dead. Did any of you come anywhere close to that? I felt her heart stop and her breath still, who else can boast that?" The Master defended. The room was silent and full of resentful faces. "I thought not. I still remember the night it happened. The Anointed One brought her to me as a lamb to the slaughter. She didn't see it that way, though. She thought she was the brave warrior, the hero, the conqueror of darkness. She was St. George, I was the dragon and she was in the dragon's lair.
"Foolish girl with foolish pride. The lamb thinking she will slay the lion. She was tenacious, I'll give her that. She'd have to be to attempt what she did. But her stubbornness didn't save her. I bit into her neck and drank in her life. To this day, I can't find the words to describe the feeling. The savior of the world set me free, so I could bring on its destruction."
"But she defeated you." Adam said expectantly.
The Master waved the comment off. "That was bad luck. Had I not landed on that broken table, I would have crushed her."
"Of course you would have." Caleb said sarcastically.
"Now, now, there's no need to get snippy." Mayor Wilkins said. "Though, I can't say I'm not glad the Hellmouth wasn't opened at the time."
"Of course you wouldn't, Wilkins." The Master said, the last word came out as a hiss. "You arranged that earthquake the first time I tried to open it too!"
"Well, yes, but gosh darn it, I couldn't let my plans for the community get all ruined!" The Mayor responded.
"What 'plans for the community?' You made deals with demons and dark gods to ascend to pure demonhood." Glory said, sipping her Mimosa.
"I was working in the world's best interest!" Mayor Wilkins said. "The world is so full of chaos and messiness, someone had to bring some order to it."
"And the best way to do that is by becoming a giant snake? Oh, that makes sense." Warren said, snorting with laughter.
"You should show more respect to your elders, young man." The Mayor said, crossing his arms. "If one wants to bring about order, one needs power. A great deal of power. I dabbled with certain avenues for achieving the kind of power to make the world a better place, but it was never enough.
"So, I had to find other avenues. I heard about a Hellmouth out west, so I went there hoping I'd find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sure enough I found it. I spent a hundred years making campaign promises and keeping them, and I made that the best little town I could."
"Oh yeah, it was great!" Warren said sarcastically. "Vampires, demons, and various monsters attacking every Tuesday."
Mayor Wilkins shook his head. "Kids today, so disrespectful. In my day, young people were civil."
"I agree this young upstart could stand to have some respect beaten into him." The Master said.
"Hey, why you taking his side? He stopped you from opening the Hellmouth!" Warren cried indignant.
"And yet I find you more irritating." The Master said. He looked up at the clock on the wall. "Thirty minutes to go."
"As I was saying, I was all set to have my Ascension but then that Buffy Summers girl stumbled onto my plans." The Mayor said, his brow furrowed at the memory. "Up until that point she was actually helping me out. Keeping the lower class demons at bay and out of my plans. Then she started getting too close. Slayers, boy they're a real monkey wrench, huh? Well, except for my Faith, of course. I have to thank you, Mr. Master and you, Miss Drusilla. If hadn't been for the two of you, I never would've met Faith.
"She was a good girl. But that Buffy Summers, she was a real problem child. She had no respect for authority or law and order. Breaking and entering, stealing, having premarital sex with an older boy. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I still remember the day I achieved Ascension; she recruited the entire student body to fight me. I saw children with swords, axes, flamethrowers, and bows and arrows. She brought weapons to school! And then, she blew up the school with me in it, adding murder and destruction of property to her list off offences. It's a crying shame, by golly."
"How exactly did you achieve ascension?" Adam asked interested.
"Oh, various rituals and spells. I also had to eat several large demonic spiders for power. Didn't taste too bad, but I could've used some whipped cream." The Mayor said.
"It's a shame your body was destroyed, I would have liked to examine the changes. It would be fascinating." Adam said.
"Well, you can thank Miss Summers for that mess." The Mayor replied.
"Yeah, that girl as one monstrous pain in the ass." Glory said bitterly. "All I wanted was to go home, but NOOOOO! Little Miss Muffet had to steal my Key and beat me with a troll hammer."
"So inconsiderate." The Mayor said.
"I know, right?" Glory said, motioning for her minions to stop filing her nails. "I mean, I'm the victim here! My brother and sister kicked me out of my home dimension just because I had some ideas for making the place run better. Then, they stick me into a human body. A god becoming human, how gross is that?"
"Oh I don't know, some people hold onto that idea in regards to another god." Caleb said, throwing the rosary into the air and catching it.
"Please, don't compare me to that upstart from Nazareth." Glory said in disgust. "I spend my whole life stuck with that idiot Ben, forced to suck brains to feed myself. And these little scabby morons here, didn't exactly make it any easier!"
"We are in supreme penitence, Your Lusciousness." Gronx said, cowering.
"Ugh, it's not even worth killing you now." Glory said dismissively. The minions sighed in relief. "All I wanted was my Key! Don't you think Puffy, or whatever her name was, would get mad if somebody stole her keys and kept her from getting home? So, the monks made it into her sister, so what? It's not like she was her real sister or anything! Besides, it's one puny human life verses the needs of a god, hello! It's obvious what takes priority!
"God, she had no idea what I was going through. All she cared about was her stupid sister and her stupid friends and that stupid world! Did she ever once consider my feelings in all this? She's supposed to be the champion of people in pain, well I was in pain! Stupid selfish girl! Selfish! She's so selfish!"
"Oh Lord, I really am in Hell." Caleb groaned. "Listening to this abomination complain is true torture!"
"Hey, shut up, Father Flanagan." Glory sniped.
"Sheesh, you guys are so lame." Warren said, shaking his head. Glory, the Mayor and the Master glared at the young nerd. "I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal about Buffy! She's just a girl!"
"Oh like you could do better." Glory snarled.
"Hey, me and the Trio were the scourge of Sunnydale!" Warren said grandly.
"Interesting. How exactly did you fight the Slayer?" Adam asked.
"Get this, Frankenstein." Warren said, leaning on the table. "See, at first I was kinda into the same thing your mom was into: I made robots!"
"I am not a robot, I'm a kinematically redundant, biomechanical demoniod." Adam deadpanned.
"Whatever." Warren said, waving the comment aside. "Anyway, I was engaging in a mystical competition with two friends when suddenly, it occurred to me: become a super villain! So, the three of us started by hiring an M'Fashnik demon so we could rob a bank, cause, come on, you gotta have money if you want to carry out an evil operation!"
"I never did." Adam said.
"Me neither." Said the Master.
"Well, you do if you're human, OK?" Warren said exasperated. "Anyway, we got our act together and we started our plan against Buffy. First we spent the day messing with her. We made time speed up for her, sent demons after her and got her stuck in a time loop! Haha! Then there was this whole deal with my ex girlfriend and… well, there's no need to get into that.
"See, we finally got the orbs of Nezzla'khan and I got all super strong. It was so cool! I killed a demon without breaking a sweat! I got strength, ladies and money! I was inches aeay from pounding the Slayer into dust… until she smashed my orbs. Damn bitch. I got even with her, though! I got a gun and I shot the bitch right in her back yard! And if that stupid witch hadn't killed me, I would've finished the job! I would've killed that bitch like dog she is!"
"You need to watch your language, young man." The Mayor said sternly.
"Pathetic." The Master groaned. "When you were alive, you may have been old enough for society to consider you an adult, but all you ever were was just a stupid little boy pretending to be an adult. Even as an evildoer, you're nothing special."
"Yeah, I've seen lots of other humans who would mop the floor with you. Time!" Glory ordered. One of her minions brought out a watch for Glory's inspection. "Fifteen minutes. Damn!"
"I'm sorry, O Extravagant One." Jinx whimpered. "I can turn the watch back a few minutes if you wish."
"That won't help, moron." Glory scoffed.
"Well, the boy may be a lowly sinner, but now he's speakin' my language." Caleb said smiling. His opinion of the little geek had taken a different turn. "Women are all evil, but the Slayer? She's the worst. Stupid girl tryin' to be stronger than she should be."
"She doesn't have to try to be stronger, Caleb." The Master said turning to the defrocked priest. "She is stronger than she should be."
"That's my point." Caleb replied. "That's what's wrong here. Women are already dirty as is, but then you got this disgrace of a creature imbued with the heart of darkness to battle in the name of humanity. She's a bad thing made worse. Humanity's weak, that's why I joined the clergy, to connect with somethin' stronger."
"You wanted something stronger and you chose the fool of a deity who let Himself get strung up like a side of beef?" The Master asked.
"I was indeed misguided. I should've known I was on the wrong track to begin with, with all that nonsense about forgiveness and stuff." Caleb said, tossing the rosary away. "And worse, it attracted the unclean things. Creatures with long hair, painted faces and the smell of perfume. They defiled the holy meeting places with their filth."
"You know, that's not very gentlemanly, young man." The Mayor said disapprovingly. "I expected more manners from a man of the cloth."
"My poor misguided friend, these are the words of truth, I'm speakin'." Caleb continued. "Wasted so much time followin' a false god, until I found the truth. Until I found the true Power and began my holy crusade against the Slayer. I destroyed the Council and I killed the heirs to her sullied title.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, Padre, but didn't she kill you in like a week after you got to Sunnydale?" Glory asked smugly.
"I was on the verge of bringing on the end of the old world and the beginning of the new kingdom!" Caleb said indignantly.
"Oh yes, you sure had her on the ropes when you let her get that Scythe." The Master said, grinning.
"A few of your stories seem to leave out several factors." Adam said. "The Slayer's strength and determination are indeed calls for concern, but you seem to idealize her a great deal. If one wishes to win a war, one cannot mythologize the enemy. There are no 'worthy' opponents, merely opponents that must be overcome."
"Exactly." Mayor Wilkins said. "You build up a problem in your head, you're just setting yourself up to get beaten down by it."
"Precisely. Being that we only have fifteen minutes left, I will be brief." Adam continued. "The Slayer was no threat to me during the majority of my previous existence. Her strength was no match for my own and I had no reason to believe it ever would be. Mother built me well. In fact, the Slayer would have been instrumental for my plans to begin the new race. My followers had already gone to the Initiative for the attack, all I needed was the Slayer to make sure enough deaths occurred to provide the materials.
"Spike however told me that if I wanted the plan to succeed, I had to separate the Slayer from her friends. I agreed and told him to accomplish this. Unfortunately, he neglected to wait until these 'friends' finished giving her the keys to allow her to be part of my plan. It almost ruined everything before it began. In the end, they remained together when the war began."
"The Slayer's little friends were always a pain." Glory said. "I still have head aches from what that little witch bitch did to me."
Adam continued, ignoring Glory's statements. "I thought it would not matter, it would just mean extra human parts for the new race. The Slayer herself was no threat to me, what could three normal, untrained humans do? Then she came to face me and something changed. Her power was unlike anything I had ever seen or been programmed with. I was unprepared for the strength with which she pulled my power source from my body. I now know that it was the combined efforts of herself and her friends that destroyed me. I was unprepared."
"Where did the Slayer get that power?" The Master asked.
"Probably the Devil." Caleb guessed.
Suddenly the group's attention turned to the sound of giggling. They looked at Drusilla, who had been silent for most of the conversation, was laughing as she plucked the last petal from the flower. "Hehehehehe. Silly grown ups, so busy with their grown up talk they still can't see the truth."
"What truth?" Adam asked.
"About the Slayer, little tin soldier. You all talk about the Slayer killing you all, but that was not her worst crimes." Drusilla said, an insane grin curling her lips. "Oh no, no, no, no. Slayers kill, that's always been their nature, but the one we've faced is so much crueler. She took everything from us.
"She took my Angel away and my Spike away." Dru looked to the Mayor. "She took your Faith away." Then she turned to Adam. "She took your brother away." She turned to Glory. "She took your Key away." She turned to Warren. "She took your friends away." And finally to Caleb. "And she took your god away. She took something away from all of us and turned it against us.
"She turned Angelus into a hero, who killed my grandmother and tried to hurt me and my Spike. She made the tin soldier who followed Adam kill his mother and forsake his brother. She turned the Key to get the goddess home into a sister and made it love her as if they were true family instead of wishing to take its real purpose in the lock. She turned the other Slayer into Sleeping Beauty and when she awoke, she ran to my Angel, who, already corrupted by that wicked girl, tried to bring her back into the horrid sunshine. She took away your fantasy of being a dark prince and turned your loyal knights into her warriors. She took your power away and cut you down before you could begin your holy mission. And she took my Spike away, made him die for her, made him love her, which is worse. Don't you see, dear friends? The Slayer doesn't just kill her prey. She tempts them, she corrupts them, she robs them of what they had and then destroys them. The kill is merciful because she torments us first. She's a devil for devils. And we'll all face this again in a moment. There's only one minute left."
The assembled evildoers looked at the clock, there was indeed one minute left on the clock before it started again. All they could do was watch as the second hand ticked along, wishing that they had the power to make it stop or go the opposite way. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
The bar faded away, and each of the fiends also faded from each other's sight. Their torment had begun anew. The Master found himself on the roof of Sunnydale High. Glory found herself in the construction site. Adam was in the Initiative's control room. Mayor Wilkins found himself at the graduation ceremony. Warren was running through the woods. Caleb was in the pagan temple. And Drusilla was in a cemetery in Rome. This was their eternal punishment. For twenty hours every day, they'd relive their last moments of life and be killed over and over. And every time it was at the hands of the Slayer and her friends. This was their Hell, and the Devil always wore the face of Buffy Summers.