I woke up with a sore throat and puffy eyes, as usual. I had to force myself to get out of bed and breathe in and out all day, as usual. I stalked gauntly through the chilly house in shorts and a tank top, my pajamas, with goosebumps dotting my pale skin, as usual. I made it to the bathroom and Charlie shuffled into the hallway, as usual. I pulled out the horrible, mocking little orange bottle of pills, as I did every day. Charlie hesitated at the doorway of the bathroom. And then the phone rang. He gave me a stern look, then sighed complacently and headed downstairs to answer the phone. Not normal. I waited for him to come back, to lean on the door frame of the stuffy little room and gesture in an exasperated way. To watch me swallow the pills and check my mouth after. I waited, but he didn't climb the stairs again.
I looked at the little devils I had poured into my hand a moment ago. I felt so weak, so fragile, since I'd been taking them. They dulled my memory of the Cullens, of vampires, and even of every emotion I associated with them or ever experienced with them. I felt more like a robot going through motions than I ever had in my life. Every decision I made was because it was the right move; my heart had been removed from the equation. And it was all thanks to these horrible, unnecessary pills in my palm. They dulled my memories. My emotions. Who I was altogether.
I knew that, so why was flushing today's dose down the toilet such a hard decision to make?
My hands shook. I hadn't had to make a decision in so long....
My eyes welled up, and a soggy lump built up in my chest. My throat constricted slightly. I vaguely identified this feeling as something similar to dread or fear. What I didn't know was why I felt so scared.
I needed help. I felt vulnerable, naive, and small. Like a child. I needed someone to tell me it was alright. I was alright. I didn't need these stupid pills. I needed a hug. I needed Edward. The one I could hardly remember because of these stupid pills.
These pills, were both a blessing and a curse. Did I want to sharpen my emotions and memories? It would only make it worse. And it wouldn't bring Edward back. I...
I cried and smashed my lips together to suppress a sob. I put the pills into my mouth and looked at the weedy pathetic girl in the mirror. They tasted bitter. And as they started break down in my mouth, they were powdery. Another tear made it's way down from my glassy eyes.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to swallow. I spit them into the sink, and watched them slid down the drain and out of my life.
I smiled. I felt better already...
A week has passed since that morning. So much has improved since I stopped taking my medication. My memory is sharpening, I can really breath again. I can feel again.
I still have to pretend I'm only partly alive around Charlie. I'm not sure how I feel toward Charlie. I know he did it because he thought I was... well, crazy. But how could he see what a fraction of a life I was trapped by those pills and think that's okay? I knew with every fiber of my being the Cullens existed, they were out there somewhere. They may even know why this happened... they may even be responsible for it... How could they leave me to deal with this like I was a psycho? Did they think I'd start to believe I was crazy? Did they think they could really pull off this "never really existed" thing? Why would they even try to do this to me?
Still... I missed them. So much.
I was crossing the parking lot, through the pouring rain. I just had to park in the furthest corner of the lot, didn't I? I thought resentfully. I had just finished talking with my teachers about my grades. It didn't go well. Let's just say the medication affected how I thought and my general interest in school. I had to explain to my teachers that the reason my grades suddenly dropped, was that I was on crazy person meds. Pretty hellish. At any rate, I was the last car in the parking lot.
My socks squished in my boot as I trudged through ankle deep puddles. I kept my eyes focused on the floor; this was a high risk situation.
Step, squish, look, step... a cycle that was my journey to the truck. Step, squish, look....boot. Not my boot. I followed the boot upward. My heart stopped for a moment, then took off racing madly.
"I want to slap you so badly right now."
I took Edward into my arms and inhaled. Yep, that was definately Edward's smell... "Start talking."
"I've missed you." He kissed me.
I was blissfully happy, but I could cry... in fact I did cry, but the tears mixed in with the raindrops streaking my face and clinging to my eyelashes.
"They thought I was crazy... Charlie thinks I'm nuts, I had...and... why did you do this?" It sounded so soft, seriously lacking the accusing tone I tried to give it.
"You think I did this?"
I gaped, "You didn't?"
"Of course not."
I smiled. "But you exist, right? I'm not crazy?"
He looked upset, troubled, "Of course you aren't."
I touched his cheek in confirmation. He was here. He existed. I could feel him. Smell him. Hear him. I wasn't able to dream up something like Edward. I felt ridiculous for thinking I could have. He was here. Obviously. And something strange was going on...
"I'm not crazy!" I hugged him as tightly as I could in my jubilation. And now his former words settled...
I pulled away, "But...You didn't do this..."
He shook his head seriously.
I blinked. Too much to process. New question.
"Where is everyone?"
"Alice is with me, at the house, everyone else is--"
"Bella?" The voice came from behind me. Edward pulled away, but I gripped his wrist insistently.
It was Art, our janitor, a sweet guy.
"Hey Art," I offered weakly.
He looked at me with a peculiar look beneath his bushy dark eyebrows, and took a suspicious step toward me. He glanced over at where Edward stood, but is eyes were focused beyond him.
"Are you okay, honey?" He revealed his graying teeth as he spoke.
He meant it kindly, but those words were sort of an insecurity to me lately. "Yeah," I nodded, still teary. Good thing it was raining.
"You sure?" His eyes darted to Edward's general area again. I wondered why he didn't acknowledge Edward. Even if he didn't remember him, it was unlike Art to ignore someone.
"Who were you just talking to?"
Dread pooled up around my stomach... oh no... "Him." I gestured to Edward. I prayed with all my might Art was only being strange.
He stretched his neck up to look further over my shoulder, like someone walked away. "Did he leave?" He asked gently.
My hands began to shake. I snapped my head to look at Edward, he stood there looking astounded.
"Sir..." He said addressing Art.
Art was oblivious.
"Why can't he see you?" I asked almost silently, trying to keep Art from hearing, and even so my voice shook, but he was staring at the crazy girl, like maybe he should call someone...
"I.. don't know."
"But you're here, right?"
"No, I'm here. You aren't crazy, Bella, I swear. I exist. I don't know what's happening... Art." He took a step forward and placed his hand on Art's shoulder. His hand didn't sink through like a ghost. It touched. Art's jacket wrinkled under Edward's hand.
But Art didn't flinch.
I looked at Edward fearfully, "What's happening?'
"Miss Swan, how about you come inside and get some coffee... I'll call the chief..." He gripped my elbow, like he was going to help a cripple walk.
"No," I shook him off, a bit rudely. I felt bad."I mean, thanks. But I'm okay. I'm just really... distracted today," I glanced at Edward accidentally, "I-I'm tired. I think I need to go home and rest. Thank you, Art." I began to turn.
"Miss Swan, I really don't think driving's the best idea right now..."
"Art, I'm fine. I promise. My friend just told me some bad news and drove away, and I didn't realize he left so quickly, that's all. I'm just a little shaken. Thanks, but I promise, I'm fine."
"Alright..." He agreed hesitantly.
I seized the opportunity and turned to walk away, to my truck.
As soon as my back was to him, I whispered. "Edward... You have to tell me what the hell is happening..."
"Bella, I...I don't know."
That in itself was terrifying.
Sorry it's short. But an update's an update, right? Thanks. constructive criticism, first impressions, opinions, predictions and, etc. are appreciated :) random mush is not. Thank you so much for your patience.