Warning – English is not my first language and I have no beta right now, so if you see some mistakes let me know what and where they are. If you don't see them, go find a pair of glasses or some English vocabularies and grammar books, because you're either blind or ignorant. Hell, there are probably some mistakes in this warning! Or maybe in this last sentence… or in this one… or in this one… or in this one… I think you got it.
Disclaimer – If by reading this story, you find elements that are similar and/or about something you wrote, then you are either JKR (who owns the Harry Potter Universe by the way) or another fanfiction author who I chose to compliment, criticize or mock somewhere in here. Enjoy.
Chapter 1: The Dive
"I'm telling you it exists!"
"No, it doesn't!"
"Yes, it does!"
"No, it doesn't!"
The bickering continued that way for a little while at the small table in the Hog's Head. The bartender and the other patrons watched in amusement the young man's and young woman's antics. It was a scene you could stumble upon almost every night at the little pub in Hogsmeade.
A scene that involved one Harry Potter and one Luna Lovegood.
And if you're thinking that it was the latter the one who thought that it exists, then you're soundly mistaken. That serves as a lesson to you not to judge with too little information.
"Luna, it exists!" said Harry vehemently after taking another sip of his butterbeer. An argument with a Lovegood can be quite drying.
"Oh, shush Harry. There's no such thing as this so called G spot," answered the young woman with a dismissing wave of her hand.
"It exists and I'm ready to prove it to you anytime!" retaliated Harry who in the name of science would have done it, and quite gladly to be honest…
Luna stared at him with her gazed and large blue eyes for a moment as if trying to come to a decision. "You had your chance ten years ago, Harry, but-"
"I wasn't ready at the time! I was too young! Now I'm sure I could find it," interrupted the young man with a slightly desperate tone in his voice.
Aberforth Dumbledore just shook his head and sighed, a faint smile playing on his lips. He watched the two twenty-seven years old go on and on about perplexing and foolish stuff with disarming seriousness. It was really amusing. Everyone in the pub stared at them like a sort of entertaining show, and in a way, it was.
From well before the demise of You-Know-Who, Harry Potter had started acting... well, strangely. Someone said it was because of the death of his godfather, Sirius Black, later found innocent of all the charges for which he was previously put in Azkaban. Others said it was because of the possession of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in the Ministry Atrium. Others blamed the pressure when the prophecy was revealed to the Magical World after the fall of the Dark Lord by Harry Potter's hand. But these were just assumptions. The fact remained.
Harry Potter was crazy. Crazy, insane, nuts, bonkers... loony, whatever you want to call him.
The Loony Couple. That's how he and Luna Lovegood were called nowadays, much to his amusement. She... nobody knows if she knows.
"Sprite is better than Coca Cola. Don't you know that, other than its marvellous taste, it has medical properties too?" said Harry in again another apparently meaningless and incomprehensible argument, at least for the wizards and the witches in the pub. "And if you use it on your body after a shower, your magic begins to fizzle and your next shaving charm will be two times more powerful," continued the young man nodding.
Luna pointed her forefinger at his muscular chest and began to tap it. "How many times have I to tell you not to use a shaving charm? Every time you do, a poor innocent Sphinx dies. Not even a clap can save it," said the young woman with a reprimanding tone. She withdraw her finger and took her butterbeer before continuing "And you have yet to tell me what you use that charm for."
"That's none of your business," replied Harry a little defensively. Then he seemed to rethink about what she had previously said and he as well began to tap at her chest, exactly on her left nipple. "And how many times have I to tell you to bring a Sphinx here so we can test this theory of yours? I won't believe it otherwise."
"It's not a theory. It's a fact," answered Luna, expressionless despite Harry's taps on her left nipple hadn't stopped when he had finished speaking. "That's not going to honk, Harry."
Harry didn't seem convinced and kept on touching it with a steady rhythm and a concentrated face. After a while he stopped, puzzled.
"What about the right one?"
Aberforth Dumbledore and many others at the pub just shook their heads.
Harry and Luna apparated in the backyard of her house, the sound of the little stream on the other side welcoming them. The moon shined over the weird rook, making appear its black outer walls less menacing.
Once there, Luna took shaky steps towards the house backdoor. For a moment, Harry thought she was staggering because of Apparition, although it was the first time he had seen her having problems with it, but after a while, she continued swaying like that.
"Luna, what are you doing?"
She turned around on unsteady feet. "I'm acting as if I was drunk," slurred Luna.
"And why is that?" slurred in reply Harry, always ready to jump in whichever game she started. He too took a shaky step forward and swayed slightly.
"It's a game between Daddy and I," answered Luna giggling sillily in a perfect imitation of a drunk girl.
"You are very, very crazy," slurred Harry again, and the sentence would have made snort anyone who could have heard, if there was anyone except Luna in that backyard. The pot, the kettle and all that...
"Do you want to do a very, very crazy thing?" asked the young woman with a silly grin on her face.
"Sex?" asked Harry hopefully.
Harry and Luna were just friends, best friends probably, and they wanted to remain that, but there was this little game between the two. Harry would flirt shamelessly with her and Luna would refuse every time. There had been that one-night sex almost ten years before, but that was it. They were just friends, really. And a certain Auror, best known as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-First-Named, was happy to hear it at every possible occasion. She was a little jealous of Luna and her friendship with Harry, arriving at the point of occasionally be jealous of her... err, let's say 'state of mind'. However, much to Tonks' relief, Harry always joked around saying that one loony in a relationship was more than enough and that with two it couldn't work. Obviously and concerning Harry, fortunately, the Auror doesn't know of this little game between the Man-Who-Vanquished and the Lovegood lady.
"While tempting... and while I'm drunk, I have to say no," was Luna's more or less foretold answer. She staggered towards Harry and reached his shoulders with her hands to steady herself. She grinned again, her large dreamy eyes at not more than two inches from his.
"My great granddaughter told me something," she whispered excited. "She told me:" and here Luna cleared her voice before attempting a deep, supposedly mysterious tone, "The most important moment awaits under the shack."
Harry seemed to not be affected neither by the words nor by her baritonal voice. Instead he asked with an interested, if slightly groggy, expression "When did you meet your great granddaughter?"
"I didn't meet my great granddaughter. That's impossible," she replied clearly perplexed, watching him like he was crazy for asking that question and temporary forgetting her drunkenness.
"Anyway," Luna continued, regaining the slurred speech "I think she was talking about the shed over there." The young woman pointed at a small shack, a little on the right of her house. She then started to make her way towards it, occasionally tripping over something and shushing herself between giggles. Harry followed suit, unsteady as well, glancing often at the speck of blond of Luna's hair.
They reached the wooden door and she gently opened it. Inside, it was really dark. She pulled out her wand and whispered "Lumos." Once she had shushed herself again, she entered the shack and made her way between all the things in there.
Harry walked interested a step behind, looking at everything, but not daring to touch anything. There was the most weird stuff, magical probably, and even some Muggle objects such as pens, an entire bucket of erasers, bicycle wheels, an apparently broken liquidizer, and on top of that, quite literally, there was what Harry recognized through his drunkenness as a dildo, much to his astonishment. He stayed warily away from it and followed Luna closely.
The young woman didn't seem to pay any attention to the things piled up in the small shack. She knew where to go and after a few seconds, she stood in the middle of the shed. Looking down, Harry saw a sort of trapdoor, semi-hidden by a dusty box.
"Under the shack..." murmured the young man fascinated and Luna turned towards him grinning.
They moved the wooden box and had the first good look at the trapdoor. Nothing fancy, really, just a normal hatch on the floor, but their excitement did not falter in the slightest, rather it increased.
Luna snatched the brass looking handle and pulled. The trapdoor opened with little resistance and left in its place a pitch black hole. It was completely lightless, an unsearchable darkness. Not even when Harry added the light of his wand to Luna's one, there was something visible.
Feeling brave, like the good Gryffindor he was, Harry inserted his left hand in the hole. It disappeared immediately in the darkness and he hastily pulled it back, startled. He watched warily the entrance and then Luna's smirk.
"Want to say something?" said the young man with a slight warning tone in his voice as she just snickered.
Harry found himself thinking about the young woman. Grinning, snickering, smirking... those weren't acts the 'old' Luna would have done so naturally in the past. It was like she was a little more round, now. It was a weird thought, reflected Harry who didn't even know where it came from.
"The most important moment..." she said once she was straight-faced again, all the signs of the faked drunkenness gone.
The two of them stared at the darkness on the floor for some minutes. After a while, Harry turned towards Luna, a little mischievous smile playing on his lips.
"A very, very crazy thing you said, hmmm?"
She just smiled. "I'll just watch for now."
"As you wish." Harry bowed in a perfect imitation of a normal House Elf, and not a barmy one who would have hugged her leg and wailed something like 'Miss Luna Lovegood, Miss!' instead, and then dismissed himself with a grave "Madame."
He turned again towards the mysterious entrance of the trapdoor and studied it for just a second, a smile on his lips and a gleam in his eyes.
Luna Lovegood watched him jump quite recklessly inside the pitch black hole and disappear completely, the light from his wand with him.
She sighed softly.
"He's not normal."
Harry Potter found himself in a motionless dive. He couldn't describe it in other ways. It wasn't an unpleasant experience. He wasn't floating and he didn't have the feet solidly on some kind of ground. He was definitely falling, but without moving. Nothing specifically gave him the sensation of a dive. No wind to ruffle his hair and clothes, no oncoming bottom, no reference points whatsoever. It was just that: a sensation. A sensation that didn't involve the senses, if that was even possible. He found it a really hard thing to explain, despite his brilliantly crazy mind... and modesty.
It seemed like falling all right, but not through space. Maybe through time? Well, it made sense considering that the thing that supposedly awaited under the shack was a moment, and the most important one, to be exact.
He had long let the light on the tip of his wand extinguish, because it was of no use. The blackness was impenetrable. All he could see was his body and his holly stick that he held tightly. He somehow knew that if he had let it go, his wand would have not ended up where he was directed to.
Suddenly, the silence that till that moment was almost deafening, broke.
It started a soft hiss, backed by a stronger sound, like a sort of whistle. For a moment he thought of wind, because on top of the noises, he felt his skin. However, he quickly noticed that it was something more.
Harry lifted his right arm in front of his face and saw it changing. It was strange, unsettling in a certain way. First of all, he held no control over this transformation. Secondly, his clothes were changing as well and again without a control whatsoever. And finally and more importantly, it was happening to his magic too.
Awed, he experienced his body shrink and slim, he saw his clothes stretch and reshape, he felt his magic sway and vibrate.
It all lasted for about a minute maybe, and as suddenly as the transformation had started, it ended, leaving him a skinny boy of about ten years. The silence wrapped him again, but just for another second.
The next minute the dive ended and he landed graciously on a ground.
He felt something in his hand, saw lights from his right side, heard soft voices not far away from him, smelt the delicious fragrance of beacon, eggs and some kind of syrup in his nostrils.
'Blueberries' was the first thought that appeared in his mind.
He then looked around the room where he had arrived. It was perfectly ordinate and awfully familiar.
The Dursley's entrance hall.
A puzzled frown made its way on his face, but when he looked into his right hand, it quickly was replaced by a wide smile. Together with his wand, he held a package of letters in his little hand, and on top, a very well-known one addressed to a certain Mr. H. Potter – the Cupboard under the Stairs.
Was this 'the most important moment', his most important moment? Did he really come back in time, almost seventeen years in the past? Had he to redo everything again?
He stashed his wand and the Hogwarts letter in his hand me down clothes' pocket, while the smile on his face widened even more.
After a second, he seemed to think about something and the smile morphed into a frown. He brought his left hand to his lower region and felt it up. His very little fingers closed themselves on a very little thing.
Harry Potter groaned slightly.
"Sorry Tonksy," he said under his breath, but there was a smile on his lips once again.