As Lovers Go

Chapter 1 – I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got.

AN: This story is a sequel to "Don't Confess" but can stand alone as well. If you want to, go to my profile and check out its prequel. It's pretty short, one chapter, and I hope it's worth it.

Recommended song for this chapter: 23 - Jimmy Eat World


"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind."

Emily Bronte


"So I'm gonna ask you one more time…Why you're acting like this with me?"

"Because I'm in love with you."

Then came that delicious oblivion and their lips were pressed together, their tongues caressing each other. Remus's hand was leaning on his chest, his eyes gazing into his…

Sirius woke up with a jolt, as realization dawned on him. He was having one of those dreams again. He shifted his position in bed, refusing to acknowledge his raging hard on and the cold sweat that covered his body.

Must he always return to that fateful night?

"Please, Padfoot…"

"I'm sorry, Remus…"

It was bad enough he and Moony had barely spoken since the incident at James's wedding. It had been three months, and they had only met twice since then. Once had been when James and Lily returned from their honeymoon The second time had been two weeks earlier, when Sirius had accidentally ran into him in Diagon Alley.

And Remus wasn't by himself.

A tall, grey-ish eyed young man, with sleek black hair was window-shopping with Remus and their hands were linked together…with his friend. I made Sirius blood boil with anger and outrage. Moony rarely let anyone else but Sirius touch him like that.

Remus casually introduced the two, cool and collected as always.

"Sirius, this is Damian McDougall. Damian, this is my mate, Sirius Black."

They shook hands and it didn't go unnoticed by Sirius the way that Remus avoided meeting his gaze and failed to tease him like he used to do.

Their friendship used to be easy, now it was plain awkward.

The bloke, who looked like a self-absorbed prat, (granted, he had only exchanged two words with the man), took Remus's hand, muttered a "Pleased to meet you" and took his Remus away before Sirius could utter a "How are you?" or something similar.

Sirius had a feeling that this Damian person wasn't just a friend. He tiptoed around the issue with Lily until she angrily told him off with a "Why don't you just ask him, Black?" and he decided to let the matter rest.

Had Remus moved on from him?

Why he was so bothered by this possibility?

He wasn't into guys. He was pretty sure he liked girls. Merlin, he knew he loved the girls, with their soft legs and round breasts. He loved to kiss them and shag them.

But he missed Moony.

He missed the way Moony snorted when he tried to make fun of his tidying habits. He missed the way his hazel eyes always seem to scan the room to meet his. He missed the way Remus always smelled like cinnamon and coffee. He missed the way he felt when Remus hugged him fiercely, like he wasn't planning on letting go. And he mostly missed the way Moony had a special smile he only smiled to him, to Sirius.

But he couldn't return his friend's feelings.

Right?

He knew he loved Remus, but Sirius was one hundred percent sure he wasn't in love with him.

And he just wished those terrible dreams - the ones that took him right back to when it had all fallen apart – would just stop.


He loved the mornings. Being woken up by the gentle rays of sunlight. The way he felt invigorated after a peaceful night of sleep.

He wasn't sleeping much, though; Damian kept him very busy.

It was quite a comfort for him to have someone like Damian. Someone who never asked questions when he caught him crying in the middle of the night, and just gently pulled him into a hug. Someone that knew about Remus's lycantrophy but never made him feel less because of it.

Someone whom he might love and would love him back.

It wasn't likely that his love for Sirius would fade away, though.

No, he knew for sure, his first love would remain until it faded into a silent ache he only felt occasionally.

Or so he hoped.

But Remus was tired of sleeping alone and waking up to nothing. He was sick of feeling the hopeless despair he felt, of loving someone who never would love him back. He got tired of longing, needing, and never having it.

So Remus adopted a new motto.

"I do not want what I haven't got."

He murmured this to himself every time he woke up and found a mess of black hair sprawled into his favourite pillow and his heart pounded faster until he realized it wasn't Sirius's hair. It wasn't him at all, and would never be.

"Just get over it."

Remus despised himself, for he knew how pathetic he was being. Lily had told him that not so long ago.

"Stop fooling around, Remus. You don't want McDougall, you want Black. It's pointless to be with someone just to kill the pain."

"You should know it, right Lily? Weren't you the girl that gave up her virginity to the Sirius in question when Snape broke your heart?"

He might as well just have slapped her in the face. If he kept this up, he would be friendless by Christmas.


Sirius cursed himself. He was, probably, the stupidest person in the whole wide world, magical and non-magical alike.

What the hell was he doing, standing in front of Moony's doorstep?

What did he want to say to him?

Sorry? He had already said that, and look at how well it had turned out for them.

He stood there, frozen. He should knock. He should run away from that place as fast as possible. He should walk away before he did something stupid.

Suddenly, the door opened up and Sirius almost smiled, relieved.

But, it wasn't Remus that stood there.

It was that what's-his-face bloke, wearing nothing but tight white briefs and holding a mug that said "Moony me!" It was the one Sirius had given Remus for Christmas when they were in their fourth year at Hogwarts.

White as a sheet, Sirius abruptly asked:

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Damian winced.

"I'm picking up the paper. Who are you?"

Sirius was hurt. He liked to think he was unforgettable.

"I'm Remus's friend."

"Oh."

Damian just stared.

"What's taking you so long, love?"

Sirius froze. Was Remus calling this moronic tea-rag love? He never called anyone by pet names, except the Marauders.

So, did that meant this bloke was Remus's lover? Does it meant he was serious about this ogre?

Sirius felt like throwing up.

Then it got worse.

Remus showed up. Nude. As in, starkers. And he gasped when he saw him standing there.

Moony was...big. As in very well endowed. More than Sirius had ever imagined. Not that he imagined much. Right?

"I'm so sorry, Moony. I didn't know you had company." Sirius felt his throat scratching and he felt like punching something. Or someone. Maybe Damian. Mmmm… That wasn't such a bad idea.

"Sirius? Are you listening to me?"

"What?" – He snapped out of his day-dream in which he broke Damian's nose and found a now dressed Remus, tying up his navy-blue robe – "Sorry, Moony, I wasn't."

"I said it was good to see you."

Yeah, right.

"Thanks, I guess."

And he just stood there, staring. Like a complete lunatic. Damian and Remus exchanged glances before he left. Remus was still waiting for Sirius to say something.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything. The way I acted after the wedding. The way I'm acting now. I'm sorry."

"I already knew you're sorry."

"Well, I am."

"What do you want from me Padfoot?" Remus spat. Sirius realized he was rubbing fresh salt into their wounds. "You said you were sorry before. I got it the last time. I'm fine. What more do you want from me?"

"I want us to be friends again. Like before."

Remus stared into his eyes, as if trying to see if he was a lunatic or just a person who hadn't got a clue.

"Sirius… You know it's impossible for me to do that." Sirius nodded. He knew. "And I'm sorry for wrecking things for us, but…I couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. I hope you understand that in order for me to move on, I need to be apart from you." Sirius looked at him, shocked and hurt. "At least for now."

"I don't want you to." Even without looking into Remus's eyes, Sirius felt the astonishment they expressed. "I don't want you to move on, or get over it. And the reason I don't want you to…it's because…" He breathed in and out, hard. This was it. "It's because I think I'm…in love with you."