As Lovers Go - Chapter 4
The Faint Spark Of Forgiveness In Your Eyes
AN: Due some excellent reviews, I've decided to keep on writing for as long as this story takes me. Thank you for all of those who encouraged me to keep posting for this story. And BTW, I'm not JKR and none of these characters belongs to me except for Damian, I just play with them. The lyrics belong to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals, and the title belongs to Snow Patrol.
"Yesterday he looked at me with a tear in his eye and said:
I'll always tell you you're my friend,
I hope I don't have to lie
Cause it's clear you love another man;
I said you're damn right.
And he said…
He said it's crazy how love stays with me
You know it hurts me
That I didn't figure it out before...
And now it's too late for a soliloquy,
It's way too late for dignity...
It's time for apologies."
Recommended song for this chapter: Apologies - Grace Potter and The Nocturnals
And now, on with the story.
Anger suited Sirius Black. Remus Lupin had never seen the man look more dashing than right now, when he sensed Sirius's fury emanating through his body. It made Remus ache with longing and self-loathing, for he was powerless to fight the attraction he felt.
Sirius was sitting at the bar stool, slowly sipping tea, a rather outrageous sight since Remus knew he had only drunk Firewhisky since the ripe old age of fourteen.
"Maybe he's really changed." Remus tried to stop this train of thought. "Why is he here? This is where I take my lunch break, and he knows I don't want to talk to him."
Sirius was there for him, that much was obvious. Eating a rare meat sandwich at the Muggle diner near his job was a habit well known by all of his friends, whether they were close friends like the Marauders or friends like Frank Longbottom or the Prewett's.
"He must have heard about me and Damian." Remus sighed. "Bloody hell! I'll hex the daylights out of Prongs next time I see him."
However, Remus stood his ground. He wasn't one to avoid confrontation, so he did what he had to do to get this over with. He sat in Sirius's booth and looked into his intense grey eyes, his heart soaring with the sight of the man he still loved, but could never have. Traitorous heart, it gave Remus nothing but trouble.
"You're living with that bloke." Remus nodded. It wasn't a question. "Do you love him?"
For a second, Sirius looked like he was a lifetime older and this caused such a constriction in Remus's heart that his throat closed and he failed to answer.
"I deserve the truth, Remus."
"He loves me."
"And that's enough for you? Is it enough for him?"
"You've got no right to do this with me!" Sirius smirked, cruelly. "It's not fair, Sirius, and you know it."
"Fair? Are you honestly trying to lecture me on fair?" Remus could sense the storm coming and braced himself. "You ambushed me with an outburst of love at James' wedding! Then you're extremely hurt when I can't digest it right away! So yes, it took me a while…But I came around! I told you how I felt and you just slammed the door in my face! Literally! I exposed myself to you in ways I never had and you just…you just…"
"Walked away?" Sirius glared at him. "I can't imagine how you must've felt! No wait, I think I already know!" Remus lowered his voice. They were attracting everyone's attention in the diner.
"How did you think I felt when I watched you go at it with that girl at the wedding? How did you think I felt every time I saw you with someone? Knowing that I could never be with you? Don't you know that letting you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do?"
Remus let out a deep sigh. Sirius always managed to make him act not as cool and collected as he wanted to be.
"I can't do it again, Sirius."
He looked away. Tears were threatening to fall and he needed to leave. Soon.
"I won't do it again."
And without looking back, Remus left the coffee shop. Sirius watched him go, without uttering a word.
"Fuck." Sirius thought. "It's really over."
Remus searched for the waves of pleasure crashing deep in Damian's grey eyes, and he shuddered when he saw them. He frowned and closed his amber ones, avoiding looking into the stormy eyes that reminded him so much of the ones that had enthralled his mind ever since he could remember.
He used to love the way Damian looked at him. But now it made him want to howl. Damian's eyes were so similar to Sirius' it was scary.
Damian's hungry lips searched for his, almost drawing blood, pushing all rational thought aside.
"This is bliss."
Damian understood instinctively what Remus wanted when he burst into his office in the Magical Law Enforcement Department, his cheeks red and his eyes bright, as if the werewolf was running out of time.
With one final thrust, Remus came in Damian and it helped him let go too.
"Evans, what brings your delightful presence into my humble household?"
"Cut the crap, Black."
He could tell she was pissed off by the way she kept staring at him with bloody murder written in her eyes.
"When are you going to whisk Remus away and live a happily ever after?"
Sirius always knew Lily wasn't one to beat around the bush, but he had never known how forthright she was up until that moment.
"The subtlety of a Mountain Troll," Sirius thought.
"This is war, Lils. There's no happily ever after." But she just continued to stare at him, unnerved. It was quite annoying. "He doesn't want me to."
At this, she scoffed.
"I tried to, I really did. We met today at the dreadful place he eats lunch. I tried to talk to him." He saw the question forming, and answered right away. "And he walked away. He moved on. Bloody hell, he moved in with that bloke, Lily!"
"And you're just going to accept that? I never took you for a coward," she said calmly. "I guess you were sorted into the wrong House, then."
"I'm not a sodding coward, Evans!" She sent a triumphant smirk his way.
"Fuck," Sirius thought. The bloody woman knew how to push his buttons.
"Then prove it to me. Do the same thing I know that Remus, deep down, expects from you. Not this silent resignation. Nor an offer to make amends and be friends again. Why do you think he slammed the door in your face? He couldn't believe you then, and he won't believe you now if you continue to just stand dispassionately aside. Remus wanted you to fight for him. To tell the world they can take it up their asses because you want him, and only him!"
Sirius considered this for a moment. She might be right, but how was he supposed to know that?
"And how was I supposed to know that?"
"You just were." She sighed. "But then again, you were never the brightest wizard when it comes to feelings."
"It's true, but when it comes to shagging I know you'll agree with me that I'm a bloody genius!"
Lily Potter knew it could be worse. She could recall the days in which he had turned her into a puddle of goo with that talented tongue of his.
This was England.
Of course it was raining.
Not in an it-is-the-end-of-the-world manner, but bad enough to drown Mrs. Phyllis, Remus's elderly neighbour's, flowers patch.
But Sirius could take the rain. He could fight the dreaded cold of early January.
He could fight anything for Remus.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Sirius stared menacingly at what's-his-face McDougall.
"I came here to talk to Remus."
"Well, you can't." Sirius snorted. "I won't let you."
"Bugger off, McDougall."
"No, I won't. Haven't you done enough?" Damian looked like he was trying hard to control the urge to wipe the arrogant smirk off of Sirius's wet face. "He's happy, Black. Leave us alone. He loves me, and I love him. I won't let you hurt him anymore."
"That was quite the speech, McDougall, but we both know you're wrong about something. Remus doesn't love you."
Remus was coming home back from work, cursing the dreadful January weather that drenched and ruined all of his good clothes. When he turned around the corner, the sight of Sirius's back standing in front of his doorstep made him cringe.
Damian was also there, on the front entrance of their flat; his jaw set, and he looked like he was seriously considering the possibility of hexing the daylights out of Padfoot and getting away with it.
What the hell had just happened?
"Sirius! What are you doing here? Something happen to James or…"
"Moony! Nothing is wrong! I came here to…to ask you not to give up on us."
Remus looked at his friend's grey eyes, eyes that looked just like the skies above them. Then he took one good look at Damian and his heart broke. What was he doing? This wasn't fair on either of them.
"There's no us, Sirius."
"And whose fault is that?"
"I meant what I said before Moony. I love you." He got closer, invading Remus's personal space, and Sirius's breath on his face caused goosebumps to spread across his arms, and his tummy to do an awkward flop. "I want to be with you. Only you."
Remus couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. He couldn't tell Sirius to leave and stand by the man that looked at him, gobsmacked, from the doorway of the apartment.
"Sirius, I…" He didn't know how to respond. His heart wanted too much to believe him, to believe in everything he had been dying to hear, but never dared to think he would. But his logical mind screamed Run for your life!
Remus looked at Damian's destroyed and angry face and his heart broke again. It wasn't fair to string along this wonderful man, a man that had done nothing but be kind, supportive, and loving; and whose only mistake was not being able to make his heart stop and beat faster like only Sirius Black could do.
"Damian, I'm so sorry…I…"
Damian shook his head, enraged.
"You better know what you're doing Remus. If I leave, I won't come back."
Remus shot Sirius an irritated glance.
"No." Damian took his wand out and pointed at Sirius. "This isn't over, Black."
And with a blink of the eye, he left the flat he shared with Remus.
"Shall we go inside then, Moony? I think I just lost the feeling in my toes."
It was strange how awkward silence could be between them now there was so much they could say but no words coming.
Sirius had got what he wanted. Remus's lover was gone. He had a chance of rebuilding his friendship with Moony, and becoming something more to him, something he had never thought of as a possibility before.
But he felt that if something were said, he could ruin the whole thing. Yet, he couldn't just stand still.
So Sirius did what he did best.
He took action.
Remus wasn't expecting this sudden assault.
The feeling of Sirius wet tongue harassing his was too much to handle. His brain was on overload, too much had happened in just one day. He'd had a horrible fight with Sirius at a Muggle dinner. Then he'd jumped Damian in his office, and then come home to find his best friend and his boyfriend arguing in the rain. So, his lover of five months left him. And Remus was still wrapping his mind around the fact that, apparently, Sirius Black loved him.
And was now was trying to kiss the life out of him
But this wasn't the kiss he had longed for. This frenzied kiss wasn't like the first one they had shared, filled with passion, thrilling and terrifying. The one that made him feel alive. This kiss, the one that Sirius was giving him right now, was the perfect "come hither" kiss…and it made Remus want to slap him right across the face.
Was this what he had given up on a perfectly promising relationship for?
To become one of Sirius Black conquests? Remus would rather be bitten by a werewolf again before becoming one of Sirius's sexual toys.
So Remus did what he did best.
He pushed Sirius away.
"Because…this wasn't what I wanted."
"You've changed your mind?" Sirius was sporting the most heart-wrenching look on his face and Remus cried out loud.
"No!" He picked his fingernails. "No, I mean…What do you expect from this? From…us? What's this all about?"
Sirius looked at him as if he had just been confounded.
"Sirius, I won't be another…diversion…for you." Remus was almost shaking. "I love…"
Sirius laughed, his bark-like laugh filling Remus's living room with its richness. "You said you had feelings for me!"
"I do." His laughter subsiding, Sirius looked straight into Remus's eyes. "I thought you were the smartest boy in our year, Moony. Can't you tell? Can't you feel? I'm in love with you. And I want us to be together. For real."
What else he was supposed to say?
"So what's stopping you from kissing me again? I thought a make-up snog was kind of mandatory."
Remus chuckled, but looked a little bit startled at the same time. This new side of their relationship would require some getting used to.
"It's just that…you know I trust you with my life right?" Sirius nodded. "And don't go ballistic on me, I do have feelings for you too, but I just…I just don't trust you with my heart." Moony closed his eyes but heard Sirius's sharp intake of breath. "It takes time."
"Moony, I can't begin to say how terribly sorry I am for hurting you, but I was hurt too." Remus sniffled a little, and Sirius searched for his hand and closed his fingers around his. "I don't know why it's easier for me to do this…But I will do it, even if you can't do it right now. I forgive you."
Sirius's eyes were shining with emotion and his voice was throaty as he spoke the words that made Remus fall in love with him all over again. "I'll wait for you, Moons. For as long as it takes."
"It might take a while."
"I don't care." Sirius gently kissed Remus's lips, and his heart tried to rip its way out of his chest. "I'll wait."
"You're mine forever, and I'm yours."
A.N: So here, it is what you've been waiting for! Hit that purple button on the left corner and let me know what you guys thought. Ideas, constructive criticism, gushing about your favorite Marauder and rants about anything (including my tendency of shamelessly writing while listening to OTH's soundtrack) will be welcomed. I need some ideas as how to approach this story from here, and I'm all ears (and eyes). Also, there's a pool going on my profile for "The Blues." If you've read it, please vote it!