Note: I know those of you who were following "The Shot Heard Around the World" are probably pissed at my lack of updating, but college classes are kicking my ass and work is tiring me out. So for now, heres another one shot to hold you over. Part of the "love?" universe.Takes place after The Break up.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kim Possible or any of the associated characters.
The Tribulation of Ron Stoppable
Kim was angry.
No, make that really angry.
Scratch that, she was bordering on becoming a homicidal maniac and going on a killing frenzy.
Why is Kim so pissed?
Ron glanced nervously at the seemingly composed Kim Possible. She was sitting next to him and across the table from their guest at a circular table at an extremely expensive French restaurant, dressed in a long white dress that hugged her figure tightly. If someone at the restaurant were to glance at her, they would see an incredibly beautiful woman with flowing red hair in a stunning white dress, smiling charmingly at the chatting man that was sitting across from her.
But if they would have looked a little closer, they would have noticed that her hands were under the table and that her arms seem to be trembling slightly; they would have seen that her charming smile seemed forced; they would have looked questioningly at the small vein the seemed to be pulsing on her forehead...and a very observant person would notice how the red head would periodically switch her gaze from the man sitting across from her, to the steak knife in front of her, and back.
A certain blond male just happened to be a very observant person at the moment,
Ron gulped silently when Kim's gaze seemed to linger longer than usual on the knife before going back to the man before them who was till clueless of the fact that he was in danger of having a steak knife shoved up his-...well, you get the idea.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU ALWAYS GET INTO THESE SITUATIONS!? Ron screamed internally. Ron stifled a girlish scream when Kim's arm flinched slightly as the man across from them laughed uproariously at his own joke.
The nervous blond let out a shaky breath as sweat started to bead on his forehead.
Shego, even when your not trying, your still putting me into life threatening situations, Ron thought grumpily.
Ron sighed tiredly as he flipped through a wedding catalog. He looked across the living room and glared at Shego, who was sprawled out on the couch dressed in black shorts and a green tank top, and seemed to be fighting to stay awake as she watched some random game show on television while a bowl of chips rested on her stomach.
This is so unfair, Ron mentally whined as Shego yawned and popped another chip into her mouth.
Ever since Shego proposed, Kim had transformed from his best friend into some kind of wedding Nazi.
From the moment Kim had announced her engagement to Shego, she had immediately started giving out orders to everybody. For some reason, Kim had insisted that she and Shego get hitched ASAP and when Ron had asked why she had just mumbled something about putting the "ball and chain" on Shego before she had a chance to change her mind. Apparently the only reason they didn't go to Vegas immediately and get hitched was because Kim knew her mom would probably slay her.
So Kim had assigned tasks to everyone to ensure that the wedding would be completely planned within a month, which meant she was constantly breathing down everyones neck and making sure they weren't slacking. When Ron had pointed out that Kim hadn't given Shego anything to do, Kim had blushed and said that Shego had "negotiated" her way out of doing anything. Judging by the flushed cheeks and the shuffling feet, Ron decided he didn't want to know how Shego did it.
So there Ron sat in Kim and Shego's apartment, going through magazines looking for the things that Kim needed while Shego lived out his lifelong dream of being a couch potato. With a sigh Ron put the magazine away and opened open up yet another one. He glanced up briefly as the phone rang and Shego reached over the couch lazily and grabbed the wireless phone from the side table.
" 'ello," Shego mumbled as she continued to stare at the television, fighting to stay awake.
Suddenly Shego's face brightened and she sat up quickly, knocking the bowl of chips and startling Ron.
"Johnny!" Shego said excitedly as she stood up and began slowly pacing the length of the couch.
Ron's eyebrow raised questioningly at Shego who ignored him.
Shego excited? Over someone named Johnny? Ron continued observing Shego as she continued talking excitedly to the man on the phone.
"So you got my letter? What do ya think?" Shego asked, an underlying note of hopefulness in her voice the made Ron's already raised eyebrow raise even higher.
"Thats great," Shego said with a relieved sigh. " When are you going to be in town?"
Rufus crawled onto the magazine covered table and looked questioningly at Shego and then at Ron who just shrugged his shoulders.
Shego looked off into the distance and frowned.
"I'll be busy tonight..." Shego's face lite up. "Say, why don't I have Pumpkin pick you up? That way you get your ride and you get to meet the bride to be...yea, maybe you two can get some dinner or something...great, I'll see ya later tonight."
Shego hung up the phone and faced Ron, a grin plastered onto her face. Even though there was no scheming look on Shego's face and he knew that she was no longer a threat to him (allegedly), for some reason he got this deep feeling in his gut that was telling him Shego was going to screw him over.
"I need you to do me a favor Stoppable," Shego said while approaching Ron and Rufus.
Ron glanced at Rufus who just shrugged and looked back at Shego.
"Uh...sure, whats the sitch?" Ron asked nervously.
"I promised Kimmie I would have dinner dinner with her parents tonight...you know, 'bond with my in-laws ' ," Shego said, making quotation marks with her fingers and rolling her eyes. " I need you to go pick up Princess from her class and take her to go pick up a friend of mine."
Ron looked carefully at Shego's face. Not seeing anything that would hint that Shego was up to something, Ron nodded.
Shego's brow quirked up at Ron's intent gaze, but brushed it off as him being...well, Ron.
"I'll write down everything you need to know on a note," Shego said as she walked off into the small kitchen.
"You think she's up to something?" Ron whispered to the hairless mole rat.
" 'Dunno," Rufus whispered with a shrug.
Shego walked back in and handed Ron a note with directions, an address, and a the name of one of the most expensive restaurants in Middletown on it.
"That's the hotel my friend is staying at, " Shego said as she walked Ron to the door. "Tell Kimmie to show him around town and to bring him to this restaurant around 6pm, I'll make the reservations and meet you guys there later."
Ron stared at the note blankly and gave Shego the same blank look.
"Uh...who is this person anyways?" Ron asked questioningly.
Shego looked annoyed for second before sighing in frustration.
"His name is Johnny. I met him right after I left Team Go," Shego said, placing a hand on her cocked hip.
Ron suddenly tensed up and gave Shego a look that told her he wanted to ask a question that he didn't want to ask.
Once again, Shego sighed in frustration.
"Don't get your panties in a knot Stoppable. He's an ex-villain like me, so ya don't have to worry about him shooting you with a laser or anything," Shego grumbled.
Ron felt a wave of relief.
"So he's just an old friend?" Ron asked, wanting to be reassured.
Shego got a faraway look in her eyes, like she was remembering her past.
"He's more than an old friend, he's also my ex," Shego said, a smirk appearing on her face..
The wave of relief suddenly turned into a wave of tension as his usually slow uptake of situations went into overdrive.
Picking up Shego's ex...with Kim...when Kim is in wedding Nazi mode...with no Shego around...which means...
Shego resisted the urge to sigh again as Ron's face paled and a look of horror covered his face.
"Look! Just tell Pumpkin that while I spend some alone time with the in-laws, I want her to get to know Johnny. Johnny and I have a lot of history together," Shego said, glaring at Ron.
Ron's already impossibly pale face turned a shade paler as his suddenly active thinking skills continued to make the connections.
Johnny, Shego's old boyfriend and who most likely banged Shego a lot + KP who is insecure and possessive when guys hit on Shego...and who just happens to be in wedding Nazi mode A CRAZY ASS RED HEAD THAT WILL KILL JOHNNY AND SLAUGHTER EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BETWEEN HIM AND HER!! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!
Ron stared at the suddenly closed door as he stood outside and listened to Shego's footsteps as she retreated into the apartment as a feeling of doom creped upon him.
Rufus peeked out of Ron's pocket and looked worriedly at Ron.
"Okay?" Rufus asked the shell shocked Ron.
Ron looked at his pink friend, then at the note, and then back at the closed door continuously with the same stricken look on his face.
Then Ron did something he hadn't done since he accidentally fell onto Kim, found his head buried in her cleavage, and faced a blood thirsty Shego who had who had every intention of sending him to the hospital ...he fell onto his knees, broke into tears, and prayed to God for a divine intervention.
And so there Ron sat, a complete nervous wreck by this point.
Picking up Kim, who was apparently already in a bad mood after having to sit through lectures all day, and informing her of Johnny and that he was apparently Shego's old boyfriend who Shego still kept in touch with only caused Kim to raise her eyebrow, which gave Ron hope the the day wouldn't end in a massacre.
When the finally saw Johnny...tall, dark, and handsome Johnny, Kim raised both eyebrows and clenched her jaw a little, which worried Ron , but he still held some hope.Then as they showed Johnny around town, they find out Johnny use to be a world class thief from France who had 5 PhDs, wrote 3 books that were best sellers, and owned a private tropical island south of Florida. Seeing Kim's eye begin to twitch, Ron had quickly informed Johnny that Kim was a world famous globe trotter, had saved the world hundreds of times, and was a master of 17 different forms of Kung-Fu.
Ron thought the worst was over when Kim had smiled gratefully at him, all signs of her (in Ron's opinion mind you) homicidal thoughts, but thats when Johnny had just smirked and said he was a master of 18 forms of Kung-Fu...and is currently in the process of creating his own form of martial arts. Ron wanted to whimper, and could of sworn he did, when instantly Kim's hands had clenched into fists, her eye started to twitch, her jaw clenched, and a small vein started pulsing on her forehead. And so there Ron sat, a primed and ready to throw down Kim possible next to him and an oblivious fool across from him. Once again, Ron prayed silently for a divine intervention.
"So," Johnny said conversationally. "How did you do it? How in the world did you get Shego to propose? I couldn't even get her to say the word 'love' or 'commitment' when we were together."
Ron watched with relief as Kim's irritation seemed to melt away at hearing that.
"I can't really tell you," Kim began, a small smile on her face as she thought about it. "We just sort of ...click, if you know what I mean." Ron looked upwards and said a silent thank you as Kim stared at her engagement ring, a dreamy look on her face.
"Yeah," Johnny said wistfully as he looked off into space as if trying to remember something from the past. "Me and Shego never really clicked on an emotional level, which is why we never worked out."
Kim smiled comfortingly at Johnny, and Ron smiled at him too. As Ron scooted over and patted him on the back sympathetically as he stared into space, he let out a depressed sigh and committed what Ron would forever consider to be the most effective forms of suicide ever.
"At least we clicked physically. Man, I really do miss being able to pound the shit out of Shego," Johnny said, a wicked smile appearing on his face as he continued to stare into space.
Ron's hand that was patting Johny's back froze in mid air as Ron stared at Johnny, his mouth gaping open in horrid shock.
For some reason, Ron heard this voice in his head that was slowly counting down to zero. Ron slowly looked at Kim and could guess what the countdown was for.
Kim looked at Johnny with suddenly glazed over eyes, and gave him a friendly smile which raised red flags in Ron's mind immediately.
"Oh?" Kim said conversationally. "Is that so?"
"Yeah," Johnny chuckled. "We got pretty rough with each other. We never did hold back when it came down to it. I use to drill the hell out of Shego," he said with a chuckle. " I always made sure she was sore all over after I was done with her..." He trailed off as he smile stupidly as if remembering something.
Kim gave him another friendly smile and Ron's mind was screaming for him to get the hell out of there.
"Well, I'm sure you already know everything there is to know about Shego" Johnny continued, still ignorant of what he was saying. Johnny chuckled. "You know what, if you ever need help getting Shego to scream, I could always give you some pointers."
Ron felt the need to throw up as Kim just giggled and smiled widely at Johnny as her hand disappeared beneath the table.
"Really?" Kim said with a cheerfulness that reminded Ron of psycho killer movies.
"Sure," Johnny said, smiling widely at Kim. "Heck, I know Shego can get pretty wild. If your up for it, I'm sure Shego wouldn't mind a little three way action," Johnny said as he winked at Kim. "If ya want, you can just watch as me and Shego go at it for a few rounds. I'm sure you'll enjoy the show, especially when I whip out my sword." Ron stared at Johny in shock at how stupid and oblivious this man was. Ron felt something tugging on his sleeve and he looked down to see distraught Rufus looking up at him. Ron looked blankly at Rufus as he pointed emphatically at the table. Ron looked over and noticed what Rufus was pointing out. The knife was gone.
With a battle cry that would have made William Wallace 1 proud, Kim quickly raised up the steak knife and launched herself across the table. In less than one second, the once comforting atmosphere of the fancy restaurant was transformed into World War III.
Screaming like a girl and most likely pissing his pants, Johnny scooted back in his chair, the knife stabbing the area where is testicles used to be. Ron, fighting the urge to just run away, decided he better do something before KP did something that might get her thrown in prison.
"KP, calm down!" Ron shouted as he grabbed her from behind. He instantly regretted it as Kim quickly elbowed him in the gut and followed up with a back fist that knocked Ron on his butt. Ron watched dazedly as Johnny scrambled out of his chair and bolted for the door while continuing screaming his lungs out. With a predatory growl, Kim quickly pulled the knife out of the chair and threw it with deadly precision at Johnny. Ron almost screamed in horror when he saw this, but let out a sigh of relief when only the hilt hit Johnny in the back of the knee, making him tumble to the grown.
At least Kim has the sense no to kill hi-
That line of thought came to a halt as he watched Kim slowly advance on Johnny, eyes still glazed over. Johnny whimpered and looked pathetically at a pissed off Kim.
"Listen up Johnny," Kim began dangerously as slowly approached Johnny. "Nobody, and I mean nobody, talks about my Shego like that. "
Johnny paled and stared at Kim with wide, fearful eyes as she neared him.
"Wh-wh-what the hell are you talking about?!" shouted Johnny, trying unsuccessfully to compose himself.
Kim stopped and Ron swore that the vein on Kim's head doubled in size.
"What am I talking about!?" Kim repeated in a voice strained with anger. Suddenly she relaxed and looked neutrally at Johnny. Instead of calming also at seeing this, both Johnny and Ron had the gut feeling that Kim just crossed the line from from being pissed off and into the psycho zone.
"It's a shame you'll die an ignorant fool," Kim said calmly with a straight face as picked up a nearby chair and approached Johnny again, intent of turning him into a pile of mush. Kim raised the chair high in the air and stared down at Johnny mercilessly as he sat their frozen as he faced the very vision of death incarnate.
Ron, Kim, and Johnny looked towards the entrance.
Shego, decked out in a form fitting black dress suit with a jade green dress shirt, stood there with a quirked eye brow as Kim's parents stood behind her while staring at Kim in shock.
Kim blinked at the group, her anger instantly vanishing as she looked at Shego, then at her parents, down at the whimpering Johnny, over to Ron whose eye was starting to swell to an impressive size, then at their table where their ruined dinner laid over the table cloth, then down at her once snow white dress that was now stained all over with sauces and bits of dinner, and then up at the chair she had raised in the air.
Kim chuckled nervously as her face turned a beet red from a mixture of embarrassment and shame.
"Uh, ..hey," Kim said hesitantly as she carefully put the chair down and brushed what she could off her dress.
Ann was the first of the older Possibles to snap out of it as looked sternly at Kim.
"Mind explaining yourself young lady?" Anne said in a no-nonsense tone.
Kim winced as she tried to think of the best way to describe what had happened.
"W-w-well, you see, Shego asked me to take out her ex-boyfriend and show hi-"
Everyone turned to Shego was looking at Kim in confusion before walking up to her, grabbing a napkin from a table. For some reason, the feeling of impending doom came back to Ron.
"Princess, Johnny isn't my ex-boyfriend. He's my ex-partner from when I was just a rookie criminal...who happens to be gay by the way," Shego said consolingly as she gently wiped off the small spot of sauce that had managed to get on Kim's cheek.
Both Ron and Kim gaped at Shego in shock at hearing this. Then, suddenly alarms and red flags went off in Ron's head as he replayed his previous conversation with Shego.
"His name is Johnny. I met him right after I left team go."
"He's also my ex."
"Johnny and I have a lot of...history together."
Not once had Shego said the word boyfriend or lover. Shego caught the look on Ron's face that basically screamed 'I screwed up'. Shego shot him an annoyed look before helping Kim wipe some of the grim off her dress. The alarms grew louder and the red flags were now being waved frantically in Ron's head.
"What the hell made you think he use to be my boyfriend?" Shego asked the stunned Kim curiously while glaring at Ron, and Ron could definitely tell she was trying her hardest to keep from snarling at him. Suddenly, Ron's mind once again fired up as it made the connections and came to a horrifying prediction of what was in his immediate future.
JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
"Ron..." Kim said quietly as she turned slowly to Ron, her eyes narrowing and the vein in her head returning. Ron sat there frozen on the ground as he stared at Kim like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi-truck of death.
WHY AREN"T YOU RUNNING IDIOT!? GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!
But no matter how hard he tried to move, his body refused to budge.
"You told her I was Shego's ex-boyfriend!?" Johnny said, glaring at Ron as he stood up and flexed his hands in irritation.
Ron gaped at both Kim and Johnny, trying to get his voice to work to explain to them that this was somehow Shego's fault.
"Stoppable," Shego growled as she stood next to Kim, her hands glowing faintly, hinting at the deadly plasma that was soon to be released.
Ron started to scoot backwards on his butt slowly and noticed movement from the corner of his eye. It seemed Rufus was smart enough to retreat while he could as he ran over to the Possibles and hid behind Mr. Possible's foot. He looked back at Ron and gave him a look that said 'sorry buddy, but I like living'.
TRAITOR!! Ron screamed internally. The feeling of betrayal quickly disappeared when the sounds of crackling energy hit his ears. He felt his blood turned to ice.
Somehow during his brief observation of Rufus, Kim had regained her steak knife and Johnny had pulled out a katana from seemingly out of nowhere. Ron stared at the sword and realized that Johnny wasn't talking about having sweaty sex with Shego: he was talking about sparring.
"B-b-but it was just a misunderstanding!" Ron rambled, still scooting back as the three ticked of individuals started closing in on him.
"I've dealt with you bullshit for long enough Stoppable," growled Shego, her hands engulfed in green plasma.
"I can't believe I almost lost my life because of your foolishness," Johnny said dangerously, his katana gleaming brightly under the restaurant lights.
"I know your not exactly the brightest person around," Kim began in a low tone, he eyes promising large amounts of pain. "But not even I can excuse you from this, Ron."
Ron tried to scream for help, but it felt like a rock had lodged itself in his throat. When he finally back up to the wall, the three pissed off warriors surrounded him, staring down at him with murderous intent. He looked over to the Possible parents, hoping to find some help, but they only shook their heads in pity.
"Ron," Kim said softly.
Ron looked up pitifully, hoping that Kim would show mercy like she always did. She gave Ron a wide friendly smile, a smile Ron recognized as the one she always gave him. Ron felt himself relax a little at seeing it.
"...It's been nice knowing you."
And with that all three of them struck him as one as he screamed one last time.
Shego fell out of the couch violently, the bowl of chips resting on her stomach spilling all over the floor as the blood curdling scream reached her ears full force. She quickly scrambled to her feet, her hands instantly lighting up as she prepared for whatever caused such a horror filled scream. The battle ready face she had on was instantly replaced by a look that was a mixture of annoyance and pity as she looked at Ron. Apparently he had fallen asleep at the table, his head and arms resting over the pile of wedding magazines. And at some point, he must have started dreaming.
Probably dreaming about monkeys or some other stupid shit, Shego grumbled as she approached the thrashing blond. With a sigh, Shego decided to bring him out of his slumber...while punishing him for disturbing her peaceful afternoon. With quick kick, Shego knocked the chair out from under him, toppling him onto the floor and causing him to jolt awake with another loud scream.
Ron looked wildly around him, his eyes frantic and filled with impending doom. When his eyes finally landed on the annoyed woman standing over him, his face paled to a deathly white. And before a retort could get past Shego's lips, Ron jumped to his feet and bolted out of the apartment with a speed that left Shego speechless.
"The fuck..." whispered Shego, as she stared at the opened door with wide eyes, her mouth slightly opened in wonder.
Kim entered through the open door while looking behind her with a confused and worried look. She had seen Ron running down the hall in the opposite direction of her while screaming his head off. She had tried to call out to him, but it seemed he was too engrossed into being scared to notice her.
"Whats up with Ron?" Kim asked Shego, the worry evident in her voice.
"Dunno, I think he was having a nightmare, then when he woke up and saw me, he ran like a bat of hell," Shego said in wonder, still feeling impressed by how fast Ron had moved in order to escape.
Kim quirked an eyebrow at her.
"For some reason, I have a feeling this is all your fault," Kim said dryly.
Shego came out of her stupor at hearing that and looked at Kim with a quirked eyebrow of her own.
"Oh yeah? How come?"
"Well, I know for a fact that only two things in the world make Ron scream like that: monkeys and snarky women who over react over little things... like him accidentally getting a face full of my cleavage," Kim said while smiling cheekily at Shego.
Shego gave Kim a withering look. "Yea, well nobody but me has any business putting their face in your cleavage and...did you just call me snarky?" Shego looked at Kim with an irked look on her face. Before Kim could respond and most likely launch them into their usual routine, they were interrupted by Ron's return.
"Sorry about that Shego," Ron said, gasping for breath as he entered the apartment. He had made it all the way to his car and just as he was starting it up, he realized that he was no longer in a fancy restaurant and there wasn't a homicidal red head after him. "I was having this crazy dream that..."
Ron trailed off as his face went blank as he stared at Kim.
"I'm glad your okay Ron," Kim said, a wide friendly smile on her face.
Kim and Shego flinched when Ron started screaming like someone was ripping off his toenails as he stared in horror at Kim. Ron stopped screaming when Rufus ran onto his shoulder to look at everyone in confusion. Suddenly Ron grabbed Rufus and yelled "TRAITOR!" and threw him at Kim who quickly caught him while Ron turned around bolted out just as quickly as before. The silence in his wake was deafening.
Shego looked curiously over to the shocked and confused Kim Possible.
"I know for a fact you're not snarky..." Shego said, gaining Kim's attention. Shego smirked at Kim, and seeing the smirk on her face, Kim knew that the plasma wielding woman was going to say something that would piss her off. "I've always wondered why you were so flexible in bed. So, which do you prefer to be called? Curious Kim 2 or Kim the hairless chimp? Maybe I should just start calling you Bananas instead of Pumpkin..." Shego actually seemed to be deep in thought as she thought about it., not noticing Kim who walked over to the open apartment door and closed it softly.
"I'll show you Bananas," Kim muttered as she turned towards Shego, her eye twitching as the pale green woman continued to spout out new nicknames, each one more humiliating then the last. Seeing the look in Kim's eyes, Rufus tried to jump out of Kim's hand, but she was unconsciously squeezing him pretty tight. He squeaked in horror as Kim used the nearby table as a platform to launch herself at the still oblivious woman.
Ron sat in his car while taking deep breathes.
It was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream, Ron repeated the mantra in his head as he felt his heart slow down.
Just as Ron was about to get out his car to go apologize, a familiar looking steak knife came flying threw the air and impaled itself into the hood of his car. Ron stared blankly at the knife that looked like the one from his dream as Rufus stumbled out from behind the wide blade, a dazed look on his face. Ron calmly got out and gathered Rufus in his hands, then walked to a nearby bench and sat down quietly, staring off into the distance.
The two traumatized victims looked towards the apartment with trepidation. In the quiet air outside the apartment, the two could hear the faint sounds of two people in mortal combat. Rufus sighed tiredly and looked up at Ron."Ya know buddy," Ron said as he stroked Rufus's back, calming down the distressed mole rat. "There's a lesson to be learned here."
Ron glanced up as a plasma bolt blasted through the apartment wall and cut large tree outside in half. Ron sighed as he watched the tree go up in a fiery inferno and then glanced at the hole in the apartment where he could see Kim gaping at the giant opening in her apartment wall and Shego standing beside her while nervously glancing at the hole and at Kim, a sheepish look on her face.
Ron stood up and calmly walked down the sidewalk, fully intending on walking all the way home.
"At least I think there's a lesson," Ron muttered as Rufus scurried back into Ron's pocket when he heard Kim scream "SHEGO!!" and the sounds of renewed battle filled the air behind them.
1. William Wallace was a bad ass warrior from the movie Braveheart. Go check it out if you haven't seen it.
2. Shego is refering to Curious George, an annoying little monkey from children books...
AN: Just felt like giving Ron a hard time. Maybe someday I'll give him a break and write something where he doesn't suffer from being around Kim and Shego. You know the drill people, R&R