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The Confusing-Tale Of J/C's Captain Janeway
(A J/C Rudyard Kipling rip-off Seasons 1 thru 6)

Author: kneipho

Beta: Not Today, Unfortunately, I Lost My Nerve.

Rating: M (Some bad language and multiple sexual references)
Fandom: VOY
Character/Pairing Codes: J/C/ 7, Caretaker, Kes and Q.

Notes: Blonds are beautiful, I like all of Voy's cast and catsuits are fine. My most confusing Tale to date. Good Luck reading, you'll need it.

"He was grey and he was woolly, and his pride was inordinate:
he danced on an outcrop in the middle of Australia."

The Sing-Song of Old Man Kangaroo, by Rudyard Kipling


Not always was Kathryn Janeway as now we do behold her, but a Well Balanced Captain with four round pips.

She was brave and she was pretty and her use of protocols sporadic: she chased Maquis Rebels through the Badlands to the Delta Quadrant, and she went to the Dying God, Caretaker. She went to Caretaker during the show's pilot, saying, "Send Voyager home after I become Famous."

Up Jumped Caretaker from his bench in the Holo Barn and shouted, "Save the Ocompa!"

She was brave and she was silly and her use of protocols sporadic: she gathered information to add to a Giant Starfleet Database, and she went to the Goddess: Your-Actor's-Soon-To-Be-Fired. She went to Soon- To- Be- Fired —one day off camera, saying, "Get Voyager home before Mulder leaves the X-Files; make the Serial, also, wildly popular, and, different from other Trek Shows."

Up jumped, Soon-To-Be-Fired —from her place inside the Airponics Bay, and shouted, "Curse the young Male Demographic! "

She was brave and she was crazy and her use of protocols sporadic: she made Alien Races wet their pants in the Delta Quadrant, and she went to the Omnipotent God: Q.

She went to Q sometime before his first appearance, saying, "End Voyager before the 2004 elections, make the Serial as popular as Angel, also, so fraught with romantic tension, it stands apart from other Trek Shows."

Up jumped Q from his boredom in the Continuum and shouted. "Oh Goody, this will be a hoot!"

Q called Chakotay, Vision-Quest Chakotay —always horny, hungry in the Delta and showed him Captain Janeway. Q said, "Chuckles! Wake up Chuckles! Do you see that Chickypoo winking in her ready room? She wants to be part of the Trek Phenomenon and really needs some J/C chemistry to keep the fanfic people happy. Tattoo Man, make it SO!"

Up jumped Chakotay, No-Hair-Dye-Yet Chakotay, and said, "What, that hot little Momma?"

Off ran Chakotay, Sex-machine-Chakotay —always horny, grinning like a chauvinist-pig, ran after Captain Janeway.

Off went proud, Sassy Janeway —her Bun of Steele bouncing like. . .well, a kangaroo.

This, O Trek Fanatic of mine, ends the first part of the divine J/C delusion!

She ran through the Bridge; she sauntered through the hallways; she slid through the upper-decks; she jumped through the lower-decks; she drank through Sanderine's, she bopped through Engineering; she thought of Mark till the viewer's hearts ached.

She had to!

Still ran Chakotay, Aw-C'mon-Babe Chakotay —always horny, grinning like a lecher, never getting nearer, never getting farther, ran after Katie Janeway.

He had to!

Still ran Janeway, Captain-Cutie Janeway. She skipped through colored nebulas; she waltzed past swirling vortexes; she traipsed through chunky star clusters; she blew up many comets: she hung with lot's o spacepeeps; she thought of Mark till the viewer 's minds ached.

She had to!

Still ran Chakotay, Look-At-Me Chakotay —very much bewildered, drooling like a Saint Bernard, never getting nearer, never getting farther; all 'cause Taylor wrote the eppie, Resolutions.

Now, they had no separate love toys, but a shaggin' Team might wreck "The Vision", and TPTB wanted more folks to watch the series; so in Season 3, our Captain pulled out a big gun and hopped.

She had to!

She hopped into a Borg Cube; she hopped into a vague mode; she threw viewers into chaos: Sexy Subtext with a Catsuit? She hopped making JCers Boohoo. . .

First she hopped Chak's way; then she hopped Sev's way; then she hopped both ways; the J/7 groups growing stronger; the J/C fiction growing longer. The fanfic writers hadn't any time for naps or frozen dinners, and they wanted them very much.

Still ran Chakotay, Post-Scorp'n Chakotay —very disconcerted, very much rejected, and wondering what in the galaxy or out of it made Mucho-Hairdos Janeway hop.

. . .Then she swung like a branch, a broken wire in the wind. Like a sharp pendulum 'cross a long marble slab.

She had to!

There was talk of "Risk Factors": so she went with a Photonic; she stuck out her tongue and headed straight for the Hollow-Dick; yes, she swung through the Fairhaven Program.

She had to!

Still ran Chakotay, I-Give-Up Chakotay —irked and unpopular, no longer respected, and wondering when in the Universe or out of it would Vacillating-Janeway stop.

Then came Q from his Boredom in the Continuum, and said, "It time to start the final season. Take a break."

Down sat Chakotay, Wooden-Mute Chakotay —very cranky, victim of T.V. Personality Dementia, flung back his head and howled.

Down sat Janeway, Starfleet-Lovin' Janeway —sat down on protocol like big ugly davenport, and said, "Thank goodness that's almost finished!"

Then Q, who was always disturbingly blunt, said, "Why aren't you grateful to your First Officer Chakotay? Why don't you thank him for sacrificing his characterization for you?"

Then said, Janeway, Not-My-Role-Model Janeway, "He's chased me out of my liasion-avec-Kayshak. He's chased me out of some great 'insane' moments; he erased Michael's program —and I'll never get it back. Hey, he chose that damn Kellin over me!"

Then said Q, "Maybe I misheard you, but didn't you ask me to make your Serial as popular as Angel, as well as different and chock full of romantic tension? And now it's time to end the show."

"Yes" said Janeway. "I wish that I hadn't. I thought you would do it by fixing the Nielsons —so we could concentrate on stable character development. . .this is absurd."

"Absurd!" said Q from his Respite from the Continuum, "Say that again and I'll whistle up Chakotay and run you straight into an amnesia based relationship!"

"No," said Janeway. "I must apologize. Mature romance, or the lack of it, anyway you say it should be, is fine. You needn't adjust anything, so far as I am concerned. I only meant to illustrate to Your Supreme Beingness that I haven't had sex with a humanoid in six years, and I am very eager indeed."

"Yes," said Chakotay, Just-Who-am-I? Chakotay. "But, now let's to talk about my problem. I've helped make this series different from other Trek Shows —so what's being done to save me?"

Then said Q from his Break from the Continuum, "It's not my fault you couldn't work with what you were given. Goodbye, look for my likeness on Andromeda."

So they were left in the middle of an empty set, Maladjusted Janeway and I-Like-Blonds Chakotay , and each said, "That's your fault."

The Confusing Tale of J/C's Captain Janeway, (c) kneipho 2003, 2008

Mutterings and Mentionings:

Fox Mulder and the X-Files - Popular character on another (very popular) scifi t.v. series, Angel -another television show airing on a competing network, Jeri Taylor: Trek behind the scenes/writing goddess, Andromeda – Roddenberry sci fi t.v. show.