A/N: As if I needed to start another story…
"Mr. McMahon, we already have WWE Magazine. Why do we need this WWE Newspaper thing you're coming up with?" Mickie asked, cocking her head to the side in awe at Vince McMahon's request.
"Oh, no, this isn't going out to the fans. This is for our own personal enjoyment. Besides, I don't want Congress thinking that the only people I employ are brainless meat heats," Vince said, chipper with his idea of running an in house newspaper.
"Hey…" Colin Delaney sighed from somewhere in the back row of the conference hall.
Vince did go all out on this endeavor. He rented out an actual conference hall and called the entire WWE roster for the meeting. He thought that this was a brilliant idea and would teach his employees valuable lessons about the journalism business, even though they had nothing to do with it.
"Sorry, Colin," Vince apologized quickly. "Anyways, back to business. You'll have to vote for an Editor in Chief for this to be a proper newspaper production. Then, he or she can decide who writes what."
"I'll do it!" John Cena volunteered, being the ass kisser that he was when it came to Vince McMahon. His offer was greeted by moans and groans from his fellow co-workers.
"Now, John, I appreciate the offer, but I want this to be a proper election. Even if you don't have someone to run against, we still need to vote. Would anyone like to run against Mr. Cena, here?" Vince asked, addressing his wrestling empire.
The Miz went to stand up, but John Morrison quickly tugged on his shirt and pulled him back down. "Sit down, you nutcase," he muttered to his tag team partner.
"Okay, everyone grab a piece of paper," Vince announced. He reached under his podium and took out a stack of small pieces of blank paper. He handed them to the Diva that was sitting closest to him, and that so happened to be Kelly Kelly. "Kels, be a doll and hand one out to everyone." Kelly Kelly obliged. "Okay, so just write John's name down on the paper so we can officially vote him Editor in Chief for the new WWE Newspaper. I'll need a volunteer to tally the votes…"
Of course, John volunteered to count them. "Cena can't count them. The only number he can count up to is five. I'll count them," Edge said, standing up and bobbling his head.
"Why, thank you, Edge!" Vince said appreciatively. "Everybody, cast your votes and hand them to Edge, please."
Ten minutes later, Edge was standing at the podium with the stack of papers. Some were crumpled, some were folded, and some had no writing on them at all. Edge picked up the first piece and read it off. "One vote for John…another for Cena…'Ass kisser?' Definitely a vote for Cena…'God?' I don't want to be Editor in Chief…'Man of two holds'…Seriously, when did John get all of these new nicknames? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Edge went through almost half the stack and decided that John would be Editor in Chief, mainly because he didn't feel like reading anymore.
"Congratulations, Mr. Cena!" Vince said jubilantly. John pranced up to the stage, clearly over satisfied with the fact that he had just won a vote for which he was the only nominee. "I'll leave you to hand out the assignments."
John cleared his throat and addressed his journalism team. "I am very honored to be your Editor in Chief. In the past two minutes that I have held this position, I have thought long and hard about who will report about what." John paused and looked around the room before handing out the assignments. "Randy, I want you to be the fashion reporter."
The assignment that John had just handed out was not well received by his colleagues. Most of them fell into fits of hysterical laughter. John ignored them and carried on.
"Punk, I want you to be the drug reporter."
"What? I don't even do drugs. I can't even spell narcotics!" Punk argued back, smacking his forehead and nearly tossing his Chicago Cubs hat at John.
"Get a dictionary. Jeff, you can be the hair columnist."
"Whatever," Jeff shrugged. He had no interest in writing for this newspaper, and he had even less interest in being under Cena's command.
"Edge…what can we have you do?" John wondered. He knew that Edge was a creative soul and would be a valuable key to this newspaper, no matter how sick and twisted his ways were.
"I'll draw the comics," Edge suggested in a tone that would easily be construed as joking, but he was dead serious.
"Oh…kay…" John stammered, in shock at what Edge had just asked to do. "I guess everyone else can just write whatever they want each month. Now, I want all articles in my hand in a week."
The rest of the WWE roster collectively rolled their eyes and groaned. They could already tell that working with John as their boss would be a living hell.
Little did they know, someone was going to take comic relief a little too far…