Shinra Goes Green

By: Jason Tandro

I had a crazy idea about how Shinra would act upon the concepts of "going green" that have been plaguing an equally evil corporation: The United States Government.


"Okay," began Rufus, who had called the meeting to order. "Public opinion is that we need to be more environmentally friendly here at Shinra Inc. We need to go 'green' as it were."

In attendance was Tseng, Scarlet, Heidegger, Reeve and Hojo. Tseng's interest was in facilitating any changes in staff. Scarlet was there because she would need to take notes on producing more eco-friendly weaponry. Heidegger was there for a similar reason. Reeve was just there to be seen really, although he would have to make some urban changes. Hojo was there to study the science behind the environmental claims.

"So what changes are we making?" asked Reeve. "Are we shutting off the Mako Reactors?"

"Get real," Rufus snapped. "There's no way we'd stop doing that, imagine the money we'd lose! Shinra would go under in 5 years. No we're making other, more realistic changes."

"Such as?" Asked an eager Scarlet.

"First order of business," began Rufus. "Is we're going to cut back on the air-conditioner and heater. We're keeping our tower at 69 degrees year-round."

"Why?" Asked Heidegger who was sweating more than usual today.

"To combat global warming. Don't you know that heating and cooling a building of this size creates so much waste that it can could poison a river a mile long?" Rufus rattled off a meaningless bumper sticker line while Hojo coordinated his data.

"That makes sense, I suppose," Tseng shrugged.

"Furthermore, we've now recalled all Shinra automobiles (except those owned by private collectors and the military) and are outfitting them with a hybrid engine which runs on part gas and part electromotor," Rufus explained.

"Oh, does that cause less emissions?" Reeve asked.

"Not really, but it does save gas, which is good us," Rufus explained.

There was a collective groan of annoyance and Rufus continued on with the list.

"We're replacing a coffee with decaf," Rufus said.

"Why?" Hojo asked.

"Because the process used to make caffeinated coffee kills trees…somehow," Rufus seemed confused himself as he looked over his notes. "Furthermore all vending machines will stop selling Coke products and they'll be replaced with Pepsi products. Don't even ask about that one."

"Where did you get this list from?" Scarlet asked.

"Wikipedia," Rufus said. "I like that website. Anybody can write anything, so you know you're getting the best material possible. Let's see here… not important… stupid… wrong… ah, here we go. All female employees (to save valuable cloths) will be required to wear a skimpy school-girl uniform to work."

"Wait a minute!" Scarlet protested. "I can see about saving cloth, but what about the men?"

Rufus scanned the list. "Oh here it is. Men no longer have to wear pants."

In the same breath Tseng broke a window dropped his slacks and threw them out into the city. "See you in hell you snug bastards!" He then pulled out his gun and unloaded several rounds into the flying fabric. Everyone in the boardroom hit the deck until they heard Tseng's hammer click. The others slowly got back up, staring intently at Tseng, who stood his ground. "The crotch is 2 sizes smaller than the rest of the pants, okay?"

"Let's continue. Hmm… okay we're removing all the toilet seat covers the public restrooms (to save paper), and we're replacing paper towels with those little blowy thingys," Rufus read.

"Oh those blowy thingys… blow." Reeve complained.

"That's what pant legs are for," Rufus replied.

"But we no longer wear pants," Reeve retorted.

"Fine, we'll keep paper towels. But they double as your toilet seat covers," Rufus ordered.

The tension in the air was thick as Rufus continued reading.

"To cut down on methane gas, we're removing all onion, beef and pork products from the cafeteria menu. Be prepared to eat chicken morning, noon and night," Rufus explained. "Also, if you use the condoms dispensed in the restroom, cut a hole in it first."

"Why in God's name would you do that?" Heidegger asked.

"So that when you throw it out, fish don't get caught in it," Rufus explained.

"But that defeats the purpose of the condom!" Reeve shouted, trying to keep his brain in his head.

Rufus read further down the list. "Oh, that's okay because we're no longer selling condoms at all. We need to save plastic."

The boardroom was now filled with thoroughly tired and mindfucked employees of Shinra who wanted nothing more than to go home, have sex on a covered toilet while eating beef and drinking coke.

"Is that it?" Reeve asked.

"There is one last item," Rufus explained. "We're going to put solar panels on to the top of the Shinra building."

The mood lightened somewhat.

"Oh that's good. Solar energy is very reliable and better for the environment. Plus which, we'll save stores of Mako that way," Hojo explained.

"No, you idiots, solar reflective panels. It reflects the sunlight so that the heat doesn't stick in the ground, thereby preventing greenhouse gas build-ups to combat global warming," Rufus babbled.

"That doesn't make any sense!" Scarlet shouted.

"It doesn't matter what makes sense," Rufus conceded. "But as long as enough people believe it, we might as well do it."

"Taking advantage of the ignorant. Sounds good to me," Heidegger laughed.

The mood was far lighter now. They knew that it'd just be business as usual for Shinra now. Not a sad or confused face was in that room anymore, except for Tseng who was desperately afraid that his wallet might have been in his pants.