In Retrospect

By bleached.dragon

Summary: In retrospect, it wasn't such a great idea after all. "Che! There is no way Yullen is a type of soba!" "Of course it isn't, Yu-chan! Now what made you think of that?"

A/N: I got hit with this particular idea while I was ice skating… it struck me as particularly funny, so now I shall subjugate you all to it, although, now that I think of it, pairing parodies aren't that original anymore… please review if you enjoyed it, or have words of advice… or even if you hated it…


Chapter 1: Do it like 007

The hallways of the Black Order, notorious for their echoing emptiness, were, as always, relatively unoccupied, aside from a single figure scurrying stealthily down the marble walkway. Lavi shuffled down the corridor, his back pressed against the wall as he attempted to sneak through the shadows.

The redhead cast a furtive glance down both sides of the hallway and mentally congratulated himself, for the first time, he, Lavi, had successfully evaded receiving any harm at the hands of one, Kanda Yu, after successfully pulling off a prank that involved the said pursuer/attacker. Lavi smirked to himself. He really should do this stealthy ninja thing more often.

The bookman slid quietly down the hallway, turned the corner and made a sprint for the Science Department, diving into the expansive room and somersaulting on paper strewn floor a few times before he sprang up and resumed stealthily sneaking.

"…h-hey look, Tap…" a delirious Johnny Gill peered at Lavi through drooping eyes, "…it's James Bond."

Lavi grinned and continued the task of slowly inching under the tables. His plans were foiled when there was a loud crash overhead as Section Chief Komui landed heavily on the section of table he was about to slide under.

Lavi watched with wide eyes as the segment of table immediately began gaining cracks, which were multiplying at an alarming rate. Komui has gained a lot of weight recently, Lavi mused as he hastily backed up on all fours from underneath the desk.

"EVERYONE!" Komui's added weight was actually courtesy of a machine of some sort he was holding, and the cracks were further widened by the Section Chief's invigorated bunny hops on the table, "LOOK! I HAVE SUCESSFULLY CONNECTED THE BLACK ORDER WITH THE INTERNET!" He twirled and waited for the gathered people to congratulate his genius, "Well?"

"Uh," Lavi scratched his head and wondered how Komui had used a word that was out of the bounds of his own expansive vocabulary, "What's the internet?"

"Ah-ha!" Komui jumped again, "Since you asked so nicely, I'll let you be the first one to use it, Lavi!"

The lucky winner in question was propelled towards Komui by Science Department members, who were all relieved that they had not been singled out for whatever excruciating torture that lay in store for the exorcist, and the redhead fervently wished that he hadn't decided to ditch the ninja charade.

"Come on Lavi," Reever whispered in the exorcist's ear, "You can spare an ear for Komui's self idolization, can't you?"

"Uh, I normally wouldn't," the redhead replied cheekily, "but since you've got a really sharp pen pressed into my side, I see I have no choice but to acquiesce."

"You see—" before Komui could resume stroking his own ego, as predicted, the table gave out and snapped in half, as predicted.


After Komui was extracted from the rubble, he quickly hooked the heavy machine to a few of the floating screens. The Science Department head sat his test subject before the screen and told him to click on an 'e' with a halo around it.

Reever passed by with a stack of files and whispered to Lavi conspiratorially, "If it attacks you or even begins moving, blow it to bits." The Science Department member's jaded expression spoke of untold, probably painful, experiences.

Lavi looked around for rescue, but seeing none, tentatively clicked the mouse, and soon, a screen popped up. On this aforementioned screen, a word began forming. After a few seconds, the word 'Yahoo!' popped up complete with an animation of bunnies. Lavi raised his eyebrows, "Yahoo?"

"It's a homepage," Komui blustered, reveling in the fact that he had a bit of information that the redhead did not possess.

Lavi scanned the rest of the page, which had slowly materialized, "Angelina Jolie is not having twins? Kristy Yamaguchi won Dancing with the Stars? What the heck?" he leveled his single eyed, green gaze at Komui, "You're not screwing with me, are you?"

Komui merely smiled happily and twirled off, "Have fun! I'm going to polish Komurin III now."

Lavi briefly considered just dumping the entire contraption out of the window, when a small rectangular box caught his attention, it was labeled 'Search'.

"Search, eh?" Lavi smiled gleefully and did the thing that all sentient beings do when placed before a search box, he typed in someone's name. The being whom this particular name belonged to happened to be a certain white haired exorcist who was most likely gorging himself in the cafeteria.

"Allen Walker," Lavi muttered as he typed out the name and hit 'Enter'.

The screen changed and he saw a long list of related topics, "Hm…" Lavi scrolled down the list until one caught his attention and he clicked into it.

The redhead bent his face closer to the screen to read the minute letters that sprawled across the monitor. Halfway through the page, he stopped reading and his eyes took on a glazed quality as he attempted to digest the information that he had just taken in. Lavi's mouth opened and closed, for once, speechless. After a few more seconds of shell-shocked silence, Lavi started laughing hysterically.

Johnny Gill's head shot up at the sound of Lavi's laughter and he turned, panicked, towards Reever, "Quick! The bucket! I think that Komui's invention has damaged Lavi's mental stability!"

Without breaking stride, Reever snagged a bucket of water that had been conveniently placed for just this sort of occasion and dumped the icy contents over Lavi's head.

The redhead immediately stopped laughing. "Geh!" he turned towards his attacker, "What the hell was that for?" Lavi attempted to wring out his soppy scarf.

"Oh," Reever was already filling a second bucket, "Your mental health is still stable."

"What?" Lavi turned to look at Reever, before he reconsidered his reaction, "On second thought, I don't want to know." He sighed and turned back to the contraption before him, looked at the page and applied all his will not to keep laughing.

Reever scratched his head bemusedly before shuffling off to deliver another stack of paperwork to Komui.

Lavi re-read the page several times and gradually, his green eye narrowed gleefully as he considered a brilliant new joke to play. The exorcist clicked around the site a couple of times and after collecting all the information possible, Lavi closed shop and arrowed straight for the cafeteria.

The redhead hoped the Jerry was serving the Meatball Special today. Otherwise, he might end up searching the entire Black Order for the elusive Destroyer of Time. Lavi wasn't in a Tomb Raider mood at that particular date.


Despite the lack of meatballs and special, Allen was still perched at a long table and stuffing himself from a huge array of plates at an impossible speed, one that would make dishwashers all over the world want to burn him at the stake.

"Hey, Allen!" Lavi ran lightly over to his fellow exorcist, "Come with me!" He grabbed the Allen by the arm, as it flailed around in the air, drumstick in hand, and began tugging him in the desired direction.

"H-h-hey! What are you doing Lavi?" Allen yanked his hand from Lavi's grasp and stuffed the rest of the drumstick in his mouth, "I'm trying to eat."

"I'm going to show you something better than food," Lavi tried his hardest to form an innocent expression on his face and found that it was unusually hard to create that particular feature on his generally malleable bookman face.

"There is nothing," Allen declared firmly, "better than food."

"Or is there?" Lavi's single eye gleamed.

"No," Allen replied firmly.

"Uh…" Lavi considered possible penchants of the white haired exorcist that could hold a candle to his love for food, "Lenalee's skirt?"

"What about my skirt?" the Chinese exorcist happened to pop in at that exact moment of the conversation, like she was prone to do. She smiled warmly at the two boys, spinning slightly with a light tap of her new shoes.

"It's long," Lavi informed her seriously, "Try wearing something shorter."

Allen unconsciously blushed at the thought and managed to stutter a, "I-I think it's just fine, Lenalee," as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Like hell you do," Lavi piped, draping a friendly arm around the still munching exorcist's shoulder, "If your blushing face is any indication of that."

"L-L-Lavi!" Allen put his hands to his steaming face.

The apprentice bookman grinned and asked innocently, "That aside, how about Yu-chan in a skirt?"

Allen decided that one more comment and he would lose his lunch, "What?!"

"I was saying—" Allen was mercifully rescued from further torment when Lenalee clamped a hand over Lavi's mouth.


"Anyway," Lavi, after removing several dishes, had settled on the bench next to Allen, "I discovered something interesting today."

Lenalee sighed, shaking her head of newly grown curls sadly, "Something tells me that we have different definitions of the word 'interesting'." She stood up and moved gracefully away from the table, calling over her shoulder to Allen, "If he torments you, dump a bucket of water on his head."

Lavi gave an overdramatic sob, "Lenalee!" he cried in a haunting imitation of Komui, "You don't love me anymore, do you?" he continued in a wailing tone, "I thought we had something special!"

Lenalee didn't dignify the comment with a reply.

Lavi immediately reverted to normal, at least, as normal as Lavi could get, after Lenalee's last dark curl cleared the door, "Anyways, come with me!" This time, the redhead refused to take 'no' for an answer and Allen soon found himself being bodily dragged down the hallway to the Science Department.

"W-what are you showing me?" Allen stumbled after the enthused apprentice bookman.

Lavi grinned, "Porn."

Allen stopped in his tracks.

"Just kidding," Lavi smiled, "You're too innocent for that kind of stuff." He zigzagged through the paper-strewn floor of the Science Department and finally dragged Allen to a screen that was hooked up to a strange looking contraption.

"Uh, what's this?" Allen blinked as Lavi made a window pop up on the screen, "Who's Angelina Jolie?"

"That's not the important part," Lavi grinned and his rapidly typed something into the search bar and clicked a few times, "Look."

"What," Allen peered at the screen, "Arekan? Is that the name of an evil overlord?"

"I'm afraid not, Allen," Lavi grinned, "Keep reading."

"Allen and Kanda…" Allen's voice trailed off and he screamed in agony.

"See? Isn't it interesting?" Lavi chirped happily.

The white haired exorcist merely stared blankly at the screen and twitched every few seconds.

Johnny noticed. "THE BUCKET!" the bespectacled science department member screamed. And this time, the bucket wasn't needlessly applied.


A drenched Allen pointed a shaking finger at Lavi, "W-w-what was that?" he demanded, while trembling uncontrollably, and his apparent Parkinson's wasn't due to the fact that he was soaked to the bone.

"Fanfiction," Lavi hummed happily, "The most written about paring of the fan writers, Allen Walker and Kanda Yu."

Allen flinched at the words, his eyes returning to their earlier stupor, and resumed rocking back and forth, singing softly to himself, before another bucketful of water came his way.


A/N: And there ends my first chapter… reviews are greeted with tears of unadulterated joy and I really need to know if you guys enjoyed my pathetic little tale at all. Oh and the next chapter is called "for the fans"… does that clue you in on what's going to happen?