A/N: Damn, this is weird… I wrote the first part of this serial, Mistress, half a year ago, and it wasn't until today that I realized that… Well, that it should be a serial of one-shots that take place right after each other! Anyway, this is the third part… And even if the first two parts weren't the most reviewed things I've ever written… I'm going for it!
Lawrence is already asleep.
Adam looks up at him. That face, that's always been so calm and sensible and so beautiful that it's physically painful to look at, is even calmer now, quiet and resting, like a meadow that a wind has blown through, and that now lays in peaceful affluence.
That's the only word that comes to Adam's mind. Both about him and Lawrence. Because now, it's one of those moments that he's almost started collecting, a moment when he can lay in a cloud of Lawrence's scent and his head on his chest, a moment when he can make himself a little bubble that he can hide in, with Lawrence next to him.
A moment when the memories melt away.
A moment when the reality, that always hovers over him, with fangs and claws, with red, glowing eyes and the words it won't last forever, Adam dribbling off its lips, stays still. Lets him be happy.
This is a moment when the monster is asleep.
And when Adam slowly draws his hand over Lawrence's chest, he actually manages to block out the thought that it won't last forever, that in just a few hours, Lawrence will get up, this warmth will leave him, and then, he'll be alone, and he'll be forced to think, no matter how badly he doesn't want to, no matter how much his thoughts plague him.
(And do you know whom Lawrence will go to?) Adam's headvoice says, because it loves to make him miserable, and now, it won't even be merciful enough to wait until he's prepared to torment him. (He'll go to his wife. Because she's more important to him than you are.)
No. Stop it. Stop it.
(Why? I'm just telling you things you already know, right?)
That's true. Adam knows all this, he's thought it millions of times, when Lawrence has called him and said that he won't be coming over tonight, and Adam's replied, as carefreely as he can, even though his hand goes up to his chest in an attempt to ease the pain that's suddenly come to life there, that it's okay.
Even though the pain is there.
Adam lowers his gaze. His one finger travels up Lawrence's chest, up over his neck, around the contours of his lips.
He loves these moments.
The moments when he's allowed to love him. Without feeling dirty. Without having to think about the fact that it's a love that will never be unconditional.
(I don't get what you're whining about. You keep talking about how you're only together on his terms, but come on. If you look at it objectively, your entire relationship is circling around you.)
Adam almost laughs as his hand is moved up to Lawrence's cheek and his thumb caresses the hints of stubble.
(Well, for starters, you're the clingy one of the two of you, aren't you?)
(Yeah, you are. And he comes here because he knows you want him to. If that's not your terms, then what is?)
He wants to, too…
He does, Adam knows that.
But the scary thing about that voice is that no matter how true something is, it still manages to smudge the lines of what is real and what is Adam's worst nightmares. So right now, it can, even though it's one of those moments, make him believe it.
And that makes Adam cold inside.
(Come on. This isn't about Lawrence, it's about you. It's about you being pathetic, lonely… And you've been lonely all your life. You'd forgotten how it feels to have another person that cares about you.)
(Stop it, Adam. This is another thing you already know. You have been alone all your life. And you wouldn't be able to handle it again after this.)
Adam knows that, too.
That's something he's thought way too many times. He won't ruin this.
He won't let Lawrence go, even though he really wants to sometimes. Because after this, he wouldn't be able to be alone.
He wouldn't bear tasting something so wonderful and then watch it fading away.
Adam nods silently.
(Pathetic and lonely.)
Adam nods again.
(That's what this is really about, isn't it?) The headvoice says, like it's finally seen his evil plan. (He's not the one who uses you. In fact, it's the other way around. Anything is better than being alone, so you're with him. Right?)
For once, the voice actually is wrong.
Or, it's right in one way.
Being alone, too, is like being in a bubble.
It's just that the bubble isn't warm and comforting. It's not like this bubble.
It's cold and harsh, merciless and sharp. You're laying in it, shivering, one half of you, that part that makes you whole, has been torn away, and you're laying there in your bubble, bleed to death slowly.
Adam has spent his entire life in that bubble. And anything, anything is better than that.
Even that ache that creeps out in his chest when Lawrence calls and says that he can't come over.
But that's not why he wants to be with Lawrence.
He wants to be with him because he loves him.
Because he's the only one who understands what he's been through. The only one he dares to talk to.
(You're a little crazy, you know that?) The headvoice scoffs. (People usually call that masochism. That thing about loving your pain.)
That's true. Adam loves his tormenter, since the tormenter sometimes can make him happier than he thought possible, than he thought he could ever hope for.
(That's why you'll never be able to ask him to leave his wife,) the voice says. (And that's why you'll never be able to leave him. No matter what happens, someone will be lonely, and you'll do anything to keep that person from being you.)
He'll never be able to leave Lawrence, no matter how badly he treats him.
Lawrence will never be able to leave his wife.
And Adam will never be able to stop loving him.
Lawrence will be his constant heartache and his constant happiness, his endless misery and his overwhelming joy.
His tormenter. And the love of his life.
No matter how much Adam would've wanted it to be different.
Adam props himself up on his elbows. Then he leans closer to Lawrence, and whisper into his ears, like sweet nothings, the words he always says when Lawrence can't hear him, the words that echo in his head every day, the words that he just wants to scream into Lawrence's face sometimes, but that he'll never be able to say except for when he's sleeping.
"I am going to leave you, Lawrence."
And then, when he puts his head down on Lawrence's chest and finally closes his eyes, he doesn't even care about the fact that that will never be true.
Angst… (Evil laugh) Anyway, I might add some one-shot on this serial, but I'm not sure. We wouldn't want to stop reading about Adam in misery, would we? Anyway, feel free to review!