Fandom: Torchwood

Characters/Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Owen and Tosh.

Disclaimer:I don't own Torchwood all belongs to RTD and the BBC

Warnings: Spoilers for all Torchwood up to and including Meat.

Bad language Jack being Jack

Author's Note: Set S2 During Meat.

I've decided to do a few of these 'Conversations' for Torchwood this is a kind of prequel to How To Fit 6 Fully Grown Adults Into A Banger, so this is Part 3 of 4

Please review. Cheersies :D

There's a A Team quote in there marked by / which I think sums Jack up!

"Come on Owen put your back into it!"

"I don't see you helping Harkness!"

"I'm comforting Gwen."

"I don't need comforting Jack! Go help, Ianto looks like he's about to have a hernia."

"No I can't I'm comforting Tosh."

"Get off me Jack I'm trying to run some calibrations."

"Jack if you don't help right now I think I'm going to put my back out."

"If Ianto puts his back out there'll be no strenuous activity of any kind for 2 weeks."

"Fine fine, we can't have Ianto out of the field now can we?"

/"Don't smile at me like that Jack, that's not even a real smile; it's just a bunch of teeth playing with my mind!"/

"Christ Gwen, what are you feeding this man?"

"Shut up Owen, the sooner you get him in the car the sooner we can get back to the Hub and put this disaster behind us."

"Right he's in. Ianto you're upfront with me. Tosh can you take Rhys' van back to the Hub-"

"Why can't I do that?"

"Well Owen you're the only doctor we have, unfortunately, and anyway you don't have the licence to drive it."

"And Tosh does?"

"Well yes actually."

"Oh well, that's alright then isn't it."

"See you back at the Hub Tosh."

"How is he Owen?"

"He's alive Gwen, he's not bleeding and it only hit his shoulder. Frankly he's a bit of a wuss for passing out."

"Shut up!"

"I'm afraid I have to concur Gwen, when I shot Owen in the shoulder he was still able to jump around and bitch at me and he's only half Rhys' size."

"Well Rhys is just a bit delicate is all."

"I bet he turns into a right girl when he gets the flu."


"Jack you can hardly talk. The last time you were sick you moaned about it for a week and sat wrapped in a duvet for 4 days. Pouting up at me."

"I was sick."

"'Ianto, can I have some chicken soup.'"


"'Ianto can you send the others home and rub my back?'"


"'Ianto can you complete all the yearly budget reports and field all the calls from the P.M.'"


"I must say I'm starting to suspect it was a bit of a ruse Captain."

"How dare you! You impugn my honour sir!"

"Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do with the 2 tonnes of plankton that are arriving tomorrow?"

"Donate it to a charity?"

"Yeah Gwen the Home For Retired Space Whales is always looking for handouts."

"You know Owen on Raxon 5 there was-"

"Jack I'm really not in the mood for one of your anecdotes."

"Don't be stupid Owen everyone loves my anecdotes."

"Tell that to DCI Winthorpe."


"Short policeman, balding, big moustache? I had to retcon him with level 6 after you told him about that prostitute on Galarez who could put her tenta-"

"Ok Ianto, we've all heard that story one too many times."

"I can't believe he got shot on his first mission!"

"Owen I seem to remember that you got held hostage by kittens on your first mission."

"How the hell did you hear about that? Jack!"

"I didn't tell him."

"I'm the archivist Owen. I know everything."

"You're such a twat Owen- kittens!?"

"At least I didn't release a sex gas that shagged blokes to death."

"Shut up."

"Jack that's not the gear stick."

"It isn't?"


"Feels like the gear stick."

"Well it isn't."

"Well if it's not the gear stick then what is it, my dear Ianto?"

"How about you move your hand or I'll do something unfortunate to your gear stick?"

"Sorry Yan."

"What did you just call me!?"

"Yan. It's your new nickname."

"I don't want a nickname Jack."

"Sure you do Yan, everyone loves nicknames."

"I don't."

"Come on, I'm giving everyone a nickname. Toshiko's is Tosh obviously."

"What's mine?"

"Yours is H-Bomb, because your last name is Harper."

"That's rubbish Jack."

"What about me?"

"Yours is G-Dawg."


"Yep, problem?"

"Jack it's not like you put much thought into it is it?"

"The depressing thing is he did Gwen. He was up all last night coming up with them; his office is covered in papers."

"Oh Jack, I'm sorry, please don't huff."

"The Captain never huffs, The Captain broods."

"So that's your nickname is it? the captain?"

"No Owen it has capital letters, so it's not 'the captain'. It's 'The Captain.'"

"I'm not calling you that."

"Yes you are Yan because I will answer to nothing else."

"Start this crap Jack and you'll be on decaf til you stop."

"Fine, no nicknames."

"Hey Ianto!"

"Yes Owen."

"How'd you get out of those ropes anyway?"

"I'm a man of many talents Owen."

"Amen to that."

"I'm thinking there has been some after-hours tutoring going on Gwen. What do you think?"

"I'm inclined to agree Owen."

"Aren't you both just dying to know?"


"Well my lips are sealed."


"Yeah Gwen."

"Are you and Ianto practising kinky sex games in the Hub after hours?"

"Why yes Gwen we are."


"What? What did I say?"

"Gwen where are the silver dragons.."

"Go back to sleep Rhys we'll be home soon."

"Bu the silver dragons need rabbit love to help them fly.."

"That's right love, now you just rest."

"You get the bunny love and I'll get the sprinkles OK?"

"That's fine Rhys. Now go to sleep."

"Your fiancée is a freak."

"You're a freak."

"Great comeback Gwen."

"Shut up Owen."

"And another- you're on fire tonight girl- must be all the rabbit love."

"Leave her alone Owen, it's not like you haven't made a fool of yourself whilst delirious."

"Jack you swore you'd never mention that again."

"Yes Jack we agreed never to mention that unforunate mishap again."

"What happened?"

"Well Gwen, Owen got hit by alien tranquiliser and was delirious when he came to and he told Ianto that his ass was made of fairies and buttercups and asked him to marry him."

"No Way!"



"Unfortunately it is true and it's also on record in the archives so that all Torchwood employees of the future can share in my humiliation."

"Right we're pulling up to the Plass now, you get Rhys and I'll park the SUV."

"Jack why don't you help with Rhys and let Gwen park?"

"I'm not leaving Rhys."

"Don't be simple Ianto, women can't park."

"You can be such a wanker Owen."

"OK you take his legs and I'll get his arms."

"Holy shite! Does anyone know the number of a good fork lift rental place?"


"Gwen if you're so worried give us a hand."

"Gwen holding up one arm doesn't really take much of the weight off us."

So Thoughts?

Any ideas for further conversations?

Cheersies! ;D