Be Your Love

"If I could take you away, Pretend I was queen, What would you say, Would you think I'm unreal, 'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel, Everybody's talking how I can't, can't be your love, But I want, want, want to be your love, Want to be your love, for real, Everybody's talking how I can't, can't be your love, But I want, want, want to be your love, Want to be your love for real, Want to be your everything, Everything… Everything's falling, and I am included in that, Oh, how I try to be just okay, Yeah, but all I ever really wanted, Was a little piece of you…"

Chapter One


Sleep. I wish it were that simple. You see, I can deal with things. I've been through a whole hell of a lot more than most people can say. Not to sound stuck up, but I've seen things that people go their whole lives without seeing. Then again, maybe that's a good thing, maybe people shouldn't have to see the things that I do, do the things that I do. I've spent my whole life sacrificing myself so that those around me can live ordinary lives. I've spent my whole life looking in on other people's lives, wishing that I could be in their place. I wanted to believe that I was happy, that I was fulfilled by the things that I do for humanity but in the end, there are so many times that I just wished that I could be normal, to live a normal life. So many times I wished that I could hang out with my friends, go out and have drinks with them and not have to worry about what was out there, not worry about the people who would be dying at the hands of evil.

Anyways, sleep. I thought that trying to sleep through it was the answer. It seemed anything had to be better than feeling the pain that possesses my body when I'm awake, anything had to be better than crying all the time or when you couldn't cry, it had to be better than sitting there in this catatonic state because you couldn't bring yourself to believe that what happened was reality. However, sleep isn't the answer, if anything it makes things worse. I'm exhausted, body and soul, but I can't let myself sleep. Because sleep brings on dreams and the dreams are in surround sound. I can't close my eye without seeing him there, feeling him there, smelling him there. When people tell you that sleep helps, they're insane! You see, you have a dream, a great dream and it's real to you, the touch of their skin, the feeling of their lips against yours, the sound of their voice, I'd say the beat of their heart but Angel didn't have one… Oh but if he did, you had better believe that I would have heard it or felt it. And then the unbearable happens when you wake up, you realize that it was only a dream, that they aren't there, asleep next to you, their arms aren't wrapped around you keeping you safe, their gone, and their dead. Your heart is ripped out of your chest all over again and the pain comes back all at once. It's the worst form of torture that anyone could ever imagine. It's easier to stay awake and constantly know they aren't there instead of the surprise you feel when you wake up. I hate sleep, it something I never thought I would ever find myself saying.

It's only been three days since he was taken but it seems like those days have been an eternity. I know that they are all worried about me; I hear it from the distance. They talk about me as if I'm some kind of weak, debilitated person, but then again maybe I am, I'm afraid that I'll never be the same person that I once was. I can't find the fight inside of me anymore. Instead, I replay the events of the night over and over again in my mind as a form of personal torture, wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent it, trying to figure out if I could have jumped in front of that arrow. It's my fault, this never would have happened if I hadn't gone to them for help, I'd much rather be dead than have to live without knowing what could have been, what we could have been. Anyways, I 'm rambling again, the lack of sleep causes my mind to constantly wander and my train of thought to become interrupted. I know that they only want to help me but right now, right now, the wounds are too fresh, the band-aid isn't ready to be ripped off and although they aren't pushing, I can see the look of disappointment in their eyes. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, I just feel like I've let them down. Because of me, because of my actions, my inappropriate taste in men, a real champion, a great warrior is dead. They've lost someone who could really do so much good for those around here and instead they get the girl who can't seem to figure out who she is and cant seem to pull herself out of this depression that has taken over her body.

It's not fair. Just as I was on the brink of figuring out exactly what I wanted, just as I was getting everything that I needed from life, it's all taken away. It's just another example of how much I can't seem to make things work with anyone. The last time I tried to make it work, really give myself to someone who felt the exact same way, things went a little crazy there too. Not that I have to go into that again, everyone knows that story. I know, I know, I sound like a pity party but you'd feel the same way. I never thought, well I've thought but I never wanted to believe, that this was going to happen. Watching him die once was hard enough, watching him die twice… Well that's just cruel. It's just, I thought that things were different this time, okay obviously he wasn't human but he was different. I can't explain it, it was like I knew that this time around he wasn't going to love me and leave me like in the past, that maybe for the first time we would have had a solid chance at making it work. For the first time in a while, I was excited to see where things were going, excited to see what was going to come of my life.

It was daytime, finally the summer sun was streaming through the window and it was hotter than hell outside, fitting I think, as I feel as though I'm in hell. The gang had left me here; I think they knew that I just wanted to be alone. It had been three days and I had yet to take a shower. I guess I thought that by washing up, it would be symbolic of moving on and I wasn't ready for that, I wasn't ready to start moving on, all I wanted to do was pretend he was still there. I suppose that it was about time though, to shower, it's just that the energy was just a hard thing to muster. It was much easier to lay there in the bed, wrapped up in his clothes, breathing his scent that still lingered on them, although that familiar and comforting scent was now becoming harder to breathe on the sheets. However, Willow was starting to get annoyed, it was obvious, well they were all getting annoyed but I think Willow was just more obvious about it, she knew that I needed to start moving on but I was clutching hard to the past not wanting to believe that what had happened was reality. She was relentless in trying to get me to talk about it, but I just didn't want to, so she got up and left. Giles must have been down in the office with Spike, I hadn't really seen them, only heard them when I was laying with my back towards the door as Willow updated them on my unrelenting condition. It was a conversation that usually went the same way:

"How is she doing" Spike and/or Giles would say after Willow answered the knock on the door.

"Pretty much the same as yesterday, refuses to talk, to eat, to sleep, to get out of that bed. I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last."

"Well, keep me (or us) updated." With that the door would close and Willow would go back to the couch, pick up the book she had been reading, and resume where she had left off. Occasionally she would wander over, try to get me to talk, but I guess I was too stubborn; pushing everyone away was just kind of what I do. I couldn't really escape this place so instead I just went into myself.

I turned on the shower and just stood there, watching as the water fell from the showerhead. Taking a step back, I sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for the water to heat up. Maybe the shower would make me feel better, maybe getting clean would wash some of this depression away. Looking into the tub all I saw were the ashes, the dust that had been floating in there three nights ago when Spike and so carefully put me in there. I don't remember much, I was catatonic, my mind unable to process the events and now as I looked at the tub for the first time things started to come back. I could feel the tears starting to form again and I cursed myself for it. Bringing up the memories wasn't the brightest idea, even I knew that, so why is it that everything I saw seemed to bring up a different memory. And the memories that I thought of weren't even necessarily ones that were created in the last week, many of them were from the times that we spent together while we were together. I shook my head and for the first time removed his shirt and boxers, feeling as though I was pulling him away from me.

I stepped into the shower, letting the water cascade over me. As I closed my eyes, I felt his presence. It's hard to explain how it feels, it's as though you are wrapped in a blanket of comfort, that for one perfect second you know he is there protecting you, keeping you safe, and your heart goes still for a moment as if to mimic the unbeating heart that took residence in his body. It was as though for the briefest of moments, he possesses your body, letting you know that he was around, that he was watching. I tried to brush it off, to imagine that it was only me, wishing that he were around because nothing was going to bring him back this time, he was lost forever, and we would never have the chance to make it work, the one man that I had ever truly loved, the one man who I knew was my soul mate and we would never have that chance.. I could have stood there for hours if I had the strength, the water felt like a womb, comforting me when I needed it the most. I decided at that moment, that I needed to go back into the world, even if it was only for a short while, I needed to try to rehabilitate myself before I became a crazy mess and before it would become impossible for me to ever drag myself from this funk.

I stepped out of the shower and dried off, before drying my hair. Walking back into the room, I noticed that it was still empty. I don't blame them for not wanting to be around me, I was like a life sucker, I sucked the life out of everything around me because I didn't want to deal with what was happening. It was depressing to be around me and I know I would have done the same if it had been someone else. I reached for my suitcase, it was sitting near the closet, it was the last thing of mine that Angel had touched. 'Stop Buffy, stop thinking about that,' I said, reaching in and pulling out underwear, a black tank top and my favorite shorts, the heat too strong to wear anything that covered my legs completely. I put them all on quickly and walked to the window. Looking out you could see the people walking around, going on with their lives, it was like it didn't matter that he died, that people didn't care. Even though they don't know him, he did more for this city than anyone else and they just walk around, not even seeming to care that their protector had died. Off in the distance there was the faint outline of the ocean, it was where I decided that I would go, it was the only place where I could be around people but still be alone, where I could sit and let the sound of the waves crashing against the shore console me, but more importantly, it was the place where I could go and connect with him, it was the last place that we had been together, alone.

I opened his closet door, his things still hung there. Stepping in I was surrounded by his smell, it was overwhelming. I wished at that moment that there were a way that I could bottle it up, preserve it, that way whenever I needed comfort I could spray it on something and smell him, imagine that he was right there next to me, helping me to cope with whatever problem that I might be facing. Didn't everyone disserve a crutch? Couldn't that be my crutch? Even I disserved something to weaken me right? Well, I guess the last thing I needed was something that my enemies could use against me but it seemed that they had it now whether I liked it or not. It was still warm outside but I wanted to be near him, have something of his with me when I was there , to have something that smelled of him as I sat there on that beach trying to sort my emotions out. I reached into the closet and grabbed one of his long sleeve shirts, folded it up and put it in my bag, before closing the doors again, afraid that if it were open for too long the smell would evaporate and all I would have left were his clothes, void of the scent.

The keys to his Plymouth were still sitting on the nightstand where he had left them. I picked them up and rolled them around in my hands for a few minutes, debating whether I should tell the others that I was leaving. I hated to see them worry more than they already were and either way, if I left without telling them or told them they would be concerned. Willow would offer to come with me thinking that it would be a chance for me to open up, but I wasn't ready, I just needed to be alone away from the building and in a place where had been able to spend time with him. I closed the door behind me and went to seek out Spike.

He wasn't too hard to find. He was there, sitting at his desk looking over some papers. I didn't want to ask what they were, I couldn't be bothered and in many ways, I didn't really care anymore. When he looked up, he jumped. I guess he was surprised to see me out of the room, out of the bed, and I guess more importantly, in normal clothing. I had become somewhat of a ghost the past few days.

"Hey. How are you? Um. How are you feeling?" He asked me with caution.

"I'm… I'm going to leave for a little bit. I'm taking Angel's car. I'll be back later I need to get out of here."

"Where are you going? Buffy let me come with you." I heard Willow's voice from behind me. She must have been walking down the hall as I stopped by Spike's office to let him know I wouldn't be upstairs if they came looking, that way they wouldn't panic thinking that something had gone wrong.

"I just need to get out of here alone. I'm not sure where I'm going." I lied hoping Willow didn't catch it in my voice, I knew exactly where I was going. "I promise that when I'm ready, I'll talk. I'm just not there yet. It's only been a few days, I know that you are all only looking out for me but right now, I feel like I'm dying and I need to get out of here and see if I can make myself feel any better."

"Alright." Willow responded, I could hear in her voice that she was disappointed that I wouldn't talk to her. I just hoped that she knew it had nothing to do with her but with the fact that I just wasn't ready yet. Talking about it would mean that I would have to admit what happened was real and I was ready to accept the reality of it, I was ready to accept that he was gone. Somewhere deep inside of me I was hoping that something would bring him back to me, that it was all just a test, that he would be back.

"I'll see you guys in a bit." I said and left the building, heading to the beach that we spent that last night alone.

Authors Note

Okay, so I know it's really similar to the original but there are differences... It's going to be like that for a little while, where things are similar until I get to the chapters I was really unhappy with. Anyways, I hope that you liked what was added and what not. Let me know what you think! Another chapter is coming soon!