The title is because I'm high. On over-the-counter drugs. I had a bit of a killer headache.
This is probably going to get…pretty gay. Yeah. I mean, don't get offended since it is pretty gay, since the original story of Rapunzel was heterosexual. Sometimes you need a different flavor of the same thing, just to test your boundaries. I mean, it isn't yaoi or anything, but it'll sure seem like it. Thanks for the consideration of reading this, though.
Disclaimer: No thanks, Hoshino the Majestic and the Brothers Grimm.
Once upon a time, in the late nineteenth century Germany, there once was a boy.
Well, not so much a boy. He was eighteen, which meant he could be considered a man. He also had ridiculously long midnight hair, for a purpose not nearly as important in this story as one may think.
This man was also trapped in a tower. A quite tall tower, from the looks of it. It was also fashionably surrounded by a moat, which had some sort of German alligator, if those even existed.
And he was naked, but let's not dwell on that.
"This is some fucking bullshit," he hissed looking down from the small window. "Where the hell is that kid when you actually need him?!"
And he was very irritated. But this is nothing new.
He was quite ready to jump out this small window to the safety that is somewhere in England. The safety that is the Black Order. Why didn't he? Well, that is not so simply answered.
"Hey!" the man yelled through the window. "Somebody! I've been kidnapped by a fucking psycho and I need some fucking help! I don't usually fucking ask for help so you should take this fucking chance while you can!"
A cow mooed in response.
He was not amused.
"Yuu, please be a dear and stop trying to resist your holding here." A deep, particularly evil sounding voice said through the thick wooden door. Yuu Kanda snapped his head in the direction, blue eyes narrowed angrily.
"Let me the fuck out, Mikk!" he roared. "I swear to God I'll fucking kill you!"
The door opened. "Kill me?" a tall, dark-skinned man repeated, a dark eyebrow cocked. "Now why would you do that?" He pulled out a long, thin katana. "Or, better yet, how can you do that? Especially when I've got your precious Innocence."
"Give me back Mugen, sick fuck!" Kanda snapped, crossing his bare arms defiantly.
Tyki Mikk smiled. "I'll give you back 'Mugen' when you wear that." He gestured with a gloved hand towards the beautiful, fluffy dress that was laid out on the deceptively comfortable bed.
Kanda looked at the dress. "You're kidding me right?" he demanded, a small vein ticking on his temple. "You've said the same damn thing for the past SEVEN hours! Why would I change my mind now?"
"Because you want your precious Mugen back."
"True…" the Japanese man looked outside the window. "No."
Tyki tapped his chin in thought. "Doesn't this sword mean a lot to you?" he asked curiously. "It is your Innocence. You can't exactly kill me without it."
"My masculine pride is worth a little more." Kanda replied. He slammed his fist on the windowsill. "Now let me go!"
"Well, if your wear the dress, I might consider giving you your real clothes back…" the Noah bribed, smirking at the basically nude Kanda.
Kanda felt his lip curl back in a sneer. "I have no shame," he growled. He motioned to the ridiculously thin underwear he wore (if you could even call it that. It was basically a thin loincloth, and barely that. It was safe to look at as long as the legs were crossed and no real movement in the lower body was occurring. After that, you were basically unfortunate from a point of view). "This is the traditional undergarment wore by samurai in my country. I'm not going to be ashamed of something so simple."
"Then why are your legs crossed?"
"I don't want to embarrass you."
Tyki leered. "Oh, embarrass me as much as you please." He ran a finger over Mugen slowly. Kanda made a mental note to wash the Satan out of the sheath. "I beg of you."
Kanda jerked back, face disgusted. "Okay," he snapped. "Get the hell out! I need some alone time."
"All you're going to do is try and escape."
"No I'm not."
"And how do I know this?"
"Samurai's honor." Kanda gave him the most serious and not-angry look he could muster.
Tyki pondered a bit. "I suppose I can go out for a moment and prepare some food for thy fair princess."
The exorcist barely jumped out of his seat to attack the smug bastard. "Yeah. You do that."
"I shall." And he did, closing the door quietly behind himself.
Kanda scooted closer to the window.
Tyki opened the door again. "Oh, and the twins are outside this door. They will interfere any suspicious business, Milady."
"Fuck you, Mikk."
"Only if it's Allen."
The door closed before what the older man said set in Kanda's head.
"Only if it's…Allen?" he repeated slowly. He blinked.
"That sick fuck."
In a forest that was also in Germany and that was conveniently near the quite tall tower and that also unsurprisingly held one other exorcist, there was a boy looking for his elusive partner.
"God," he grumbled, trekking through the brush and batting flying bugs away from his face. "I knew he was a jerk, but to leave for seven hours without informing me or Komui…that's a new low for even Kanda."
This boy, who was allowed to be called such as he was still fifteen, was thoroughly lost. As he'd probably never admit it, but his partner for this mission was, as one might say, 'The Map'.
"Maybe I should call out 'Map'," he murmured aloud thoughtfully. "No. It'd never work."
And so, he walked through the forest some more, mistakenly getting closer to the exit and the enemy than expected.
"Why, hello little boy…" a voice filtered through the trees.
The boy whipped his head in the direction of the voice, a smile breaking out on his face.
"Another human?" he exclaimed, moving through the trees.
"Ah, yes. I am quite human." The voice replied. "Believe me. What is your name, little boy?"
The boy, in all of his excitement, forgot the most important rule of never giving your name out to strangers. Especially if you can't see them.
"My name? Oh, Allen Walker!" he answered quite foolishly. It can be blamed on his adolescence.
The voice did not answer for a moment.
"Indeed…" the voice said slowly. "…follow me."
The white-haired boy stopped. "Why?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
"It is a surprise."
"How do I follow someone I can't see?" Allen demanded, frowning. Apparently common sense is a very yes when there's no candy involved. "And how do I know you aren't leading me into a trap?"
"Perhaps you should follow me to discover whether or not I am leading you into a trap." The voice replied, sounding a little irritated.
Allen rolled his eyes. "You must think I am an idiot," he said, crossing his arms. "Do you seriously believe I'm going to skip through the trees just to follow some disembodied voice?"
And he turned around, dead set on ignoring the voice and continuing through the forest to find his elusive partner. Despite the fact that he had passed that same oak tree for the past two hours, he was quite confident that he will find Kanda and they will get the Innocence and everything will return to normal.
Little did he know that all of his wills would be in vain, as a deformed figure in the shape of a toy train from hell launched out the trees, a disgustingly gray grin on it's…engine rail.
"Dear God!" Allen gasped, a cloak billowing on him almost magically. A sword materialized out of nowhere into his hand, and the Level 3 Akuma laughed boisterously.
"You should've followed when I said, Allen Walker!" it exclaimed, its gray metallic skin rippling with each roll closer. "Now I can't take the urge to destroy you anymore! Sir Mikk will be displeased, but I can't say I care!"
The white-haired boy blinked. "When you say Sir Mikk, do you mean…?" he asked carefully, not trying to sigh in exasperation. Not even the sight of the poor soul of this Akuma could stop the frustration that is—
"Tyki Mikk?" the Akuma answered. "Yes, I do."
"Tyki is in Germany right now?" Oh, the irony.
The Akuma grinned even larger. "Yes, but not just Germany! He is in the countryside right now! In fact, he even managed to kidnap your angry-looking friend while the boy was on watch duty of some sort. Ha ha! We shall prevail!"
Allen, who had tuned out after the first 'ha', wielded his sword against the demonic train. "Where did you take Kanda?" he asked with a smile.
"Err…" the Akuma looked respectively nervous. "I wasn't the one who took him, Walker, Sir Mikk—"
"Okay, where did Tyki Mikk take Kanda? I can't exactly complete my mission without my map—I mean, partner. Yes. Partner."
"Well, I do vaguely remember a quite tall tower on the countryside, and I also remember a naked long haired Asian-seeming man hanging from the window…" it replied uncertainly, the grin slipping off its giant, mutated face.
"Hmm…then it mustn't be Kanda…as he would never be seen naked in a tower in Germany." Allen muttered, lowering the sword in thought.
The Akuma blinked at the lost of focus, and he grinned. "Time to die!" it crowed, chugging towards Allen at a dangerously fatal rate.
The sword was wedged between its black eyes, Allen hopping on top of it as well.
"But just in case," he said with a smile. "I want you to take me to this tower."
The gray train-like creature almost fell over in shock, but refrained at the feeling of the sword coming closer to its core. "Are you insane?!" it hissed. "I can't do that, Sir Mikk would destroy me!"
Allen chuckled. "And so would I, if you haven't noticed." He tapped his foot lightly on the sword, making the Akuma flinch.
"If I have no choice…" it resigned.
"You have no choice. Now let's find Kanda."
"Shut the hell up!" Kanda shouted down at the grazing cow.
Simultaneous thumps were heard outside the only door. "You shut up first!" a deep voice shouted.
"If you don't, we'll shoot!" a lighter voice yelled as well.
The Japanese exorcist clenched his jaw angrily. "I wasn't talking to you freaks!" he growled. "Go away!"
The door burst open and two golden gun barrels stared him down, the metal already hot.
A dark-skinned messy-haired man grinned, showing off straight white teeth. "What'd she say, Jasdero?" he asked the blond, gray-skinned man.
Jasdero smiled, despite his lips being sewn together loosely. "I think she told us to go away, Debitto." The guns cocked at the same time. "Appreciated?"
Debitto barked a laugh. "Hell no. Let's shoot 'em!"
"Shut up!" Kanda snapped, resisting the urge to jump out of his seat. "You can't kill me because that sick fuck Mikk will kill you. Go away."
"Stop telling us to go away!" Debitto whined, lowering his gun. "We're trying to keep you from escaping here!"
Jasdero rubbed his brother's shoulder with his gun barrel. "It's okay, he won't escape on our watch!" he muttered, determined.
Kanda snorted. "The hell I won't…" he mumbled.
"What'd you say?"
"I like your moat."
Debitto narrowed his eyes. "By the way, are you aware you're naked?" he asked carefully.
"Yes. Go away."
"Why don't you put on some clothes?" Jasdero wondered.
"What clothes, idiot?"
The twins pointed at the dress. "That."
"Get the fuck out!" Kanda roared, standing up in anger.
The twins immediately jumped back, eyes wide. "Great Earl!" Debitto cried, covering his eyes. "Wear some knickers or something!"
"I'm blind! I'm bliiiiind!" Jasdero cried, covering his eyes as well and falling back.
Kanda felt his jaw twitch in slow rage. He dusted off his loincloth-that-barely-passed-as-an-excuse-for-underwear and sat back down.
"Are you willing to go away now?" he asked, eyes narrowed.
"Yes!" the twins exclaimed, scrambling out the door. The wooden door shut with a loud slam.
The exorcist rolled his eyes, passionately, and returned to looking out the window.
And he saw an odd gray train rushing down the countryside towards him, a familiar white head of hair on top of it.
He was never happy to see Allen before, but there is a first for everything.
"There really is a tower in the countryside…" Allen commented, amazed by the pure height of the building. "Okay, now let's look for Kanda."
The look did not take long, as seconds after he spoke those words, a long-haired Japanese man stuck his torso out the single window, waving his arms wildly.
The young exorcist was shocked. "Is he naked?" he whispered, covering his mouth in surprise.
The Akuma huffed. "I told you so!" it grumbled. The sword jabbed deeper, and murky beads of sweat began to form on it's...face.
"Shhh!" Allen shushed harshly. "I think he's trying to say something!"
Indeed the older exorcist was, as he moved his arms opposite of each other, the fingers curled with his mouth moving rapidly.
But, due to the distance between the two and the altitude of the tower, Allen had not the slightest idea of what was trying to be said.
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he shouted up at Kanda.
The white-haired boy could almost feel the man rolling his eyes.
He opened his mouth. "—DILES!" he yelled.
Allen blinked. "My apologies, but what did you say?"
"Once more, I promise I'll get it this time!"
"DON'T GO IN THE MOAT, THERE ARE FUCKING CROCODILES!" Kanda roared. Then he looked behind himself in annoyance, only to be tackled down by the oddest Noahs of them all.
"…Oh dear." The British boy muttered, tapping his chin. "I wonder how I'm going to get up there."
"Perhaps you should say, 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.' It just might work."
Gray eyes snapped to the side, only to catch sight of one Tyki Mikk leaning against his temporary train.
The Akuma began to babble. "I-I was going to k-kill him and then b-bring you back t-the body b-b-but he stuck a sword in m-me and then f-forced me—"
Tyki took out the sword and practically threw it right back in, just much harder.
The Akuma shrieked as it disintegrated, its gray skin melting into the ground. Allen slowly sunk to the ground with it, a little too shocked to do much else.
The Noah handed him back his large sword, smiling. "I believe this is yours?" he commented, tipping his top hat.
"Why, thank you." Allen replied. "I don't suppose you'd know why my partner is trapped in that ridiculous tower, would you?"
"He can leave whenever he wants to—"
"Really?" the exorcist demanded. "But it looks like he's pretty much trapped and naked and has too much dignity and pride to jump off a building."
"—wear the dress."
Debitto held up a dress triumphantly, as it was seen through the single window, and Kanda had kicked him in the face. A brief scuffle occurred before shots began being fired.
Allen sighed. "And what must I do to get him out of that tower?" he asked, tired.
"Well, you can either—"
"DON'T DO IT." Kanda yelled, leaning out the window. "HE'S GOING TO TOUCH YOU, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE."
Tyki blinked. And he smiled again. "Now, as I was saying—"
"Hey!" Debitto called through the window, trying to restrain the moderately strong exorcist. "Can't we at least give him some knickers?! He's embarrassing us!"
Allen nodded to himself. "So he is naked…" he muttered.
"Not exactly," Tyki replied. "He's in his underwear, but that is the basic article of clothing." The Portuguese man sighed, shrugging. "If he just wore the dress, he could be gone by now."
"Why are you trying to make him wear something he obviously hates?"
"Oh, dearest Allen…" Tyki sighed, leaning closer to the significantly younger man. "You must realize that the suffering face of humankind is what makes me a happy man."
"Is Kanda even giving you a face that isn't angry?"
"Well…" the Noah thought about it. "No, he isn't, but soon he'll look quite unhappy."
"Then you will accomplish nothing, because Kanda will always look unhappy, regardless of the situation."
Allen watched as Tyki's face as it coursed through several emotions, which was quite out-of-character for him.
"Are you okay?" he asked slowly.
"Yes." The Noah said, standing up straight, "I am just fine." He disappeared with a tip of his top hat, and suddenly Allen felt really bad for Kanda for reasons unknown.
"Hey!" Kanda shouted loudly from the tower. "What the hell are you doing here?!"
"How ever did you manage to defeat the twins without your Innocence?" Tyki demanded. Allen walked closer to hear the conversation better.
"Hell if I know, I just did a back flip and they started screeching and fell over, clutching at their eyes. You need better Noahs."
"No, I need to get you in this dress."
Kanda growled. "The hell you will!" he snapped, and a brief tumble occurred on his part, as Tyki Mikk did not do tumbles with naked men.
"Oh yes I will. Remember, Yuu, I have your beloved Innocence."
It was silent for a moment.
"Not anymore, you don't!"
"What in the world—"
Kanda stuck his head out the window. "Hey!" he shouted. "Bean sprout! Are you still there?!"
Allen jumped at the sound of his voice. "Yes!" he replied. "What is going on?!"
"I'm about to jump out the window!"
"Okay? What do I have to do with that?"
"I need you to catch me, idiot!" Kanda looked behind him. "And I need this shit to begin now!"
The young exorcist frowned. "Are you still naked?" he asked, cringing.
"Does it matter?"
"Too late, here I come!" And the Japanese man jumped out the window, heading about eight stories down right into Allen's not-so-waiting arms.
"Wait! I wasn't read—Oof!" Allen blacked out for a moment as Kanda slammed right into him, gravity making the best of the situation.
Kanda stood up, cracking his neck and holding his Innocence and the dress confidently. "Don't be such a wimp, bean sprout," he said, standing haphazardly over the younger exorcist.
"Wha…?" Allen murmured, opening his eyes blearily.
Unfortunately, Kanda's haphazard standing was right over the poor boy's face, which made him scream a bit before passing out.
The taller exorcist frowned, kicking at the boy. "Hey," he said in an irritated tone. "Sprout! Wake up! We've got to get the hell out of here."
He bent down, still over Allen's face, and checked him for a pulse. "Goddammit," he growled. "Now I've got to pick you up too?" He heaved the smaller boy over his shoulder. "I'm going to need several more missions to compensate for this shit."
And he ran in the direction of the nearest town.
"And that is why I am naked." Kanda deadpanned, sitting on the lounge chair in Komui's office, legs crossed. "Can I get a new uniform now? They don't sell clothes to naked men with little boys and dresses on their shoulders in those German towns."
Komui sipped at a cup of tea, trying to dissolve the laughter that threatened to sneak out several times. "And, why exactly did you bring back the dress Tyki Mikk was trying to make you wear?" he asked lightly.
"I thought Lenalee would want it."
"Intriguing." Komui replied with a smile. "Because that dress ended up being the Innocence. Ironic, huh?"
"More like bullshit, but whatever." Kanda crossed his arms. "Can I please get some damn clothes now?"
"You'd have to wait until the tailor can make you a new one. Why don't you borrow an outfit from Lavi?"
Mugen was pointed directly at his forehead. "Why don't you get the tailor to make me one as soon as possible?"
"I suppose that can be done too." Komui waved the sword out his face. "Oh, and you might want to stop by the Infirmary. Allen's stuck in a bit of a coma. He's foaming at the mouth and everything!"
"Sure, why not?"
And when Kanda strolled into the Infirmary naked, a lot of people wondered if the world was going to end soon idly.
"Bean sprout?" he asked gruffly. Allen just stared at the ceiling, breathing steadily. "What the hell is wrong with him?"
The Nurse fixed him with an odd look. "He's going through post-trauma. He must've seen something that horrified him so much to the point where he couldn't even handle it. Do you know what it might've been?"
Allen mumbled "P-penis" underneath his breath.
Kanda shrugged. "I don't have any idea."
"Well, when he comes to, I'll be sure to tell you."
"And I'll be sure to not care."
And the naked man walked away with a confidence unheard of by many.
This was exceedingly fun to write. Hooray for FUCKING UP FAIRY TALES. I'm such an asshole.
I got the idea from reading Rurouni Kenshin again, and they had the segment on Japanese samurai underwear. I thought of Kanda in one of those things. And I lol'd.
I hope you liked this crack. It was a great experience for me.
Tyki can touch the Innocence because he's wearing MAGICAL GLOVES. They can do ANYTHING. Even defy CANON.