My Roommate is a Wraith
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA, or Weir would still be in command (amongst other things, mind you; I'm enough of a pessimist that I've got plenty of complaints, even for the greatest show on Earth.) So there.

Chapter One: Typical

John Sheppard woke up in the middle of the night and stretched out on top of his bedspread, not remembering how he got there. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, glancing around the room. His watch read 11:47 PM; he sighed and stretched his arms above his head. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, grimacing at the uncomfortable feeling of waking up in jeans. He rubbed his eyes and walked out of his room, the floor pleasantly cool beneath his socks.

John walked out onto the nearest balcony and breathed in heavily; he leaned on the rail and sighed contentedly as a light, cool Atlantis breeze ruffled his sweaty hair. He closed his eyes, trying to recall how he ended up in bed before midnight and in one piece...

Hmm...

There was one of those weird uninhabited planets where the Wraith just happened to show up. Laser blasts, dragged to the infirmary, near-death escape, blah blah blah. The usual. He nodded as he remembered taking two stunners; one to the chest, one to the face. Yup. That'd do it. Not that he was really surprised anymore; this kind of stuff happened to him and his team on a pretty regular basis. He remembered going back to sleep in the infirmary after Carson had given him the all-clear. Ronon and Teyla must have carried him to his quarters.

He sighed happily and looked out over the calm ocean waves. This was way better than sitting through a debriefing with Weir and the team. Sure, he loved being around Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon, but he also like to have a little time to himself every once in a while. As the commanding officer of the Atlantis expedition, he vowed to do this more often, but maybe bring some food or something; he was starving.

He mentally went over his agenda for the next day; another off-world excursion to yet another uninhabited planet, this one previously explored. Well, uninhabited as far as they had concluded. He racked his brain for a name and number to put to the face...M6H…491? That was it. Why couldn't they just give them real names, ones that could actually be remembered? If Ford were here—John frowned sadly. Ford isn't here. He told himself firmly. So just...don't think about it.


"M6K-491." Weir lay down her tablet and glanced around Sheppard's team. "Remember it?"

A collective head-shake. "Wasn't it that big grassy place with all the plants?" asked John, just wanting to leave.

"Which one?" asked Ronon, sulking in his chair, as per usual.

Sheppard nodded in agreement as Elizabeth continued with the usual 'come back in one piece', 'try not to change the entire government of a race', and the universal 'try not to kill anyone or be killed.'

"Yup, back before dinner," John agreed, anxious and excited to get off-world again. "Come on team, let's go."

They left the conference room, waited for the Stargate to open up, and stepped through. Despite what Rodney said about it, Sheppard found traveling through the Event Horizon pleasant; he even liked the sound, which McKay described as 'plastic forks on a chalkboard'.

As he stepped out of the EH, Sheppard took in the golden light on the treetops, his team unpacking equipment, and the tall, moist grass. "Not a bad place," he muttered.

"Indeed, it is not." Agreed Teyla, coming to stand next to him. "It is unfortunate that we so often have peaceful moments like this one."

Sheppard nodded. "Yeah. I have a feeling it won't last long, though." Especially not now that you've said it out loud, smart one. He gave Teyla a smile and walked towards the woods, stopping on the border. He turned back to the group, some distance away. He activated his radio; "This is Sheppard; I'm gonna do a border check real fast, make sure there aren't any nasty surprises."

He waited a moment for the reply. "I'll come with you, just in case," he heard Ronon's voice and smiled, knowing that the Satedan was itching to do something useful.

"I'll wait for you," he answered. "Expect us back in fifteen. Sheppard out." He deactivated his radio and put both hands on his P90, waiting for Ronon. As was usual with the ex-Runner, he didn't take long.

"Seen anything yet?" he asked gruffly.

"Negative. Take a walk?" He brusquely walked ahead, reveling in the freedom of it all. No paperwork, no alarms, no Wraith, no Rodney...

"They never shut up, do they?" asked Ronon suddenly. "Is that just a scientist thing?"

Sheppard thought about it for a moment. "Nah, that's just Rodney..." He stopped walking and thought for a moment. "Actually…yeah, that is a scientist thing. Huh." He shook his head and kept walking; Ronon smiled and chuckled.

"So how long are we here?"

"Dunno. Weir wants an analysis of the planet in general, Zelenka and Beckett want plant and mineral samples—" he broke off as something in the grass to his right moved noisily. Ronon's blaster was out and aimed before Sheppard's P90 had even had a chance to come up to his shoulder. But before Ronon could blast a hole in them, three Wraith warriors were out of the bushes and on the offensive.

Sheppard fired off a round on his P90 while Ronon fired his blaster for all it was worth. Sheppard activated his radio; "We've got Wraith! Three of 'em, down, the border about a quarter-mile north." Ronon paused to jump behind the nearest tree, grabbing Sheppard by his collar and hauling him off his feet. John landed with a thud on the ground at Ronon's feet, who was still firing. He looked up, disoriented for a moment.

"Wha' was that for?" he grumbled, sitting up to get aim at the nearest Wraith.

"You were right in the line of fire."

"Oh. Okay, then." Sheppard radio crackled and he answered it. "Yeah."

McKay's panicked voice spilled out. "What do you want us to do?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "Gee, some backup might be nice when you have the time." He fired off another round and the nearest Wraith went down.

"Davies is going to stay to dial the gate but we'll be right there...Uh, just give me a second to find you. McKay out."

"He's no help," Ronon remarked, blasting the second Wraith, who dropped like a stone.

"Tell me about it," Sheppard muttered, his voice lost in the heavy fire, sucking in a breath as a stunner zoomed past his head. "Should we wait for him? Or should we just make a break for the gate. The woods shouldn't be too hard to run through, and the Wraith'll have quite a time trying to hit us through these trees; they're huge."

Ronon took another shot. "McKay's no help anyway," he said tonelessly. "Let's go." He fired off one more shot, and Sheppard let his P90 fire off another round before he followed Ronon into the trees.

"McKay," he yelled into his radio. "Go back to the gate, we'll meet up with you there."

"Idiot."

"Sheppard out." He regretted now saying that running through the underbrush wouldn't be too hard. This was the third time in less than a minute that he'd fallen flat on his face. "Ronon," he sputtered. "Which way to the Gate? I lost track of where we were going." Normally, he would have been humiliated to admit this, but right now he didn't particularly care. There were Wraith (with reinforcements now), they were being shot at, and he was flat on his face again—clearly, humiliation was not an issue at the present time.

"This way." said Ronon, swerving suddenly to the right. Sheppard stumbled as he avoided crashing headlong into a tree, and followed suit. Sure enough, the two of them broke out into the clear, and there was the Gate, not sixty feet ahead.

"DAVIES!" Screamed Sheppard and the top of his lungs. "DIAL THE GATE!" He would have added a few profanities, but he didn't have the breath for it. Sergeant Davies jumped and hastily slammed the runes on the DHD, then slamming his open palm down on the center. The now-familiar wormhole opened and Sheppard jumped as another Wraith stunner skimmed past him, ruffling his hair (much to his displeasure).

McKay and his assorted assistants scrambled through the long grass to Sheppard's right, heading to the gate. Sergeant Davies threw himself into the Event Horizon as a Stunner flew past him. McKay and his group reached the gate, and Sheppard waved them forward. He turned to run backwards for a stretch so he could fire off another round, finishing off the magazine. All three Wraith were up again, and they didn't look too friendly.

"Right behind you," he screamed at Ronon, who nodded and hurled himself through the gate with a few more shots at the approaching life-suckers. Sheppard faced the gate again and ran for all he was worth. He cried out as a Wraith stunner clipped him on the shoulder, and he swerved slightly. He was starting to feel dizzy, and then another blast hit him, squarely on the back. He went sprawling, his face inches from the rippling Event Horizon.

He groaned. "Oh come on." He tried to pull himself forward the last few inches, but a heavy black boot came crashing down on his spine. He struggled.

"None of that," said a mechanical voice filled with annoyance. "You must stay for dinner; I insist."

With the last of his consciousness, Sheppard looked up into the face of his captor. "Well, if you insist." he managed. Then his head fell forward to the ground. Yup, he thought wearily. Typical. Sooo typical.

Original upload date: 6/8/08
Edited chapter upload date: 11/20/12