99.9 Percent Guaranteed

By: xxtarragonxx

Warnings: Innocent!Naru, ManyPeople!Naru, Fem!Naru, cussing, inappropriate humor and actions. Possible character bashing. YAOI AND POSSIBLY YURI! OOC-NESS!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Loveless.

AN: I feel SO horrible right now, 'cause I'm starting a new story, oh well, this story is a high school story that I will write when I have writer's block on my other stories.

So, in this story you have neko ears and a tail and when you lose your virginity they disappear. I know someone (Kativa-chan) already has used this idea (combining the idea of kitty ears and tail with an AU Naruto fan fic), but my story will be different, I promise.

Hello, my name is line, I separate the story.

Naruto's POV

High school. Only two words to summon that place up.

Total hell.

Oh sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, age 17, female. Anyway, as I was saying, high school is total hell.

Well probably only for me. You see, right now about all of the guys (98) in the school are after my ass, you know why? Because I have my ears and tail still. You might think right about now, "Oh that's no big deal!" or, "Who doesn't want to get chased by hot guys?", or even, "Don't give up your innocence too soon Naru-chan!" (Iruka), but anyway let me lay down the basics of virginity loss for you in high school.

One, Freshman, about 1/10 should have their tails and ears gone.

Two, Sophmores, about 1/3 should have the ears and tails gone.

Three, Juniors, about 8/10 should have their virginity gone.

Four, Seniors, ALL should have their tails and ears taken.

These statistics are 99.9 percent guaranteed to be correct.

That 0.1 percent, well that's yours truly. I'm a senior, with her ears and tail. And somehow that makes me more…appealing to the public. But did you know that it wasn't always like this, it's just that someone (you bastard Kiba I shall always hate you for that) pointed out that the person who took my virginity would have like a trophy or something, because they had landed the hardest person to get in the school.

Oh my, what's that look you're giving me? Seriously, I'm not ugly. I play hard to get. I'm petite (NOT SHORT) with a height of 5' 3", I have a slim figure, I'm normally 'developed' (not like Sakura, seriously how did they get so BIG in such a SHORT amount if time?), I have three whisker marks on each cheeks, I have golden blond hair, tan skin, cerulean eyes, and my tail and ears are both a vibrant red-orange with white tips.

See? I'm not ugly. Definitely not, I just refuse to go on a date with a guy, or any guy…at all…OH GOD! Am I homosexual? Think, Naruto, think, have you ever checked out a chick? No. Have you ever felt attracted to a girl? No. Have you ever had inappropriate thoughts about a girl? No, wait does having a thought about stabbing them repeatedly count? Okay, then that identity crisis is over…so I guess I'm just waiting for mister right.

Oh shit, I can't stand the dirty prying eyes all over me as I walk down the hall, they're just all perverts. Damn pervs. Damn porn. Damn JIRAIYA. Wait, how did Jiraiya get dragged into this? Oh yeah, he writes the porn and sells it to perverts.

-Narrator's POV-

Hello, my name is line, I separate the story.

The small blond was suddenly slammed into a wall, she felt a tongue licking and nibbling on her ear. She then heard a husky whisper, "You look delectable today Naru-chan." Naruto narrowed her eyes, there was only one bastard who was bold and had a big enough ego to do that…Uchiha.

She shoved Sasuke back; if she was going to lose her virginity to anyone in this school it certainly wasn't going to be him! "Back off bastard!" She hissed at Sasuke. Her tail had puffed up in annoyance at recognition of the person.

Sasuke Uchiha was the school's heart throb, and the school's biggest player. He lost his virginity at 13 when he just decided to drag a random popular girl into the closet and fuck her senseless. The girl didn't press charges, but begged for more instead. Sasuke never remembered the girl's name and never talked to her again.

Naruto gritted her teeth, that girl, who had lost her pride and was branded a whore by her classmates, was one of her best friends, Ino.


A fourteen-year old Naruto walked down the halls and saw a girl with no ears or tail crying in a corner. Curiosity getting the best of her, she approached the girl and asked in a lulling voice, "Are you okay?" The girl shook her head and cried harder. Naruto placed a hand on the girl's shoulder, however the girl pulled back harshly, "GO AWAY! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH THE SCHOOL SLUT!!" Naruto raised a thin, golden eyebrow, "So you're Ino? I'm Naruto, the girl that could care less about what other people call you because I know it isn't true, pleased to meet you."

Ino's eyes sparkled with hope, "You don't care about your reputation? I mean even my best friend Sakura doesn't like me anymore…" Naruto snorted, "Like I have a reputation, and if this 'Sakura' person you speak of left you for that, she isn't a friend and she doesn't deserve a nice person like you."

Ino smiled widely and threw her arms around Naruto in a hug. Someone accepted her! She smiled; maybe the other people didn't matter.

Hello, my name is line, I separate the story.

Naruto stormed off away from Sasuke, there was absolutely no way she was going to use another word on him! He quickly entered her homeroom class and settled down, at least she didn't have Uchiha until Chemistry.

Sasuke gritted his teeth as he watched Naruto walk away from him; this was not going as planned! He stalked off towards his own homeroom with a deep scowl on his face.

Naruto sighed at her desk; her homeroom teacher was late…AGAIN. Burying her face into her arms she didn't lift her head up until she heard a familiar song. Looking to the front of the class she saw Sakura and the rest of her posse (Tayuya, Karin, Kin) dancing like sluts (and out of beat) To Beyonce's Check Up On It. Naruto rolled her eyes, and then she smirked, this was a perfect opportunity to exact humility onto Sakura.

You see, while the boy's went after Naruto's virginity as a prize, the female population became bitter (Except for TenTen, Hinata, and Ino, her best buddies) and called her many colorful names she could not remember. So standing up and walking to the front of the class she said to the boy that owned the boom box to start it over. Sakura gaped at her, how dare that little virgin bitch try to challenge her?! Naruto saw Sakura's expression and said, "If you think you are as great as you are, you won't mind a little competition, the whole class will judge." Sakura sneered, "Competition? You're hardly anything compared to me!" Sakura puffed out her overly large chest before telling the boy to indeed, start over.

"You need to stop playing around with all the clowns and the wangsters, good girls need to get down with the gangsters."

Sakura bucked her hips in fake ecstasy and out of beat.

Naruto however did a couple of fancy foot work, hand signs, and a body roll all in beat.

"Go 'head girl put some back and some neck up on it, while I'm standing in the back tryin' to check up on it."

Sakura did a couple of unidentifiable moves and a body roll out of beat.

Naruto followed into the body roll that she had done before and started to let the beat take over…

Throughout the rest of the song Naruto let loose completely, it was all a blur, she had let her 'true dancer' free and danced beautifully each move in synch with the beat as if they were old friends.

Sakura however, did moves you would see in a strip club, she looked to be trying really hard to make herself look sexy, but it was doing quite the opposite. All of her moves were out of beat and out of step. She was nothing compared to Naruto.

The decision was clear, Naruto won, although Sakura did not take her defeat lightly,


Naruto looked Sakura straight in the eye, "I did not manipulate anyone Haruno, I don't know how or where you got that idea, but I beat you fair and square, so here's some advice…get some fucking dance lessons or something, because YOU SUCK."

Many people who hated the Haruno girl cheered for Naruto as she walked back to her desk and sat down. Sakura stood there with her mouth wide open before glaring at Naruto and silently accepting her defeat…for now.

"That was great Naruto-chan, the spirit of youth flows deeply within you! I MUST LEARN HOW TO DANCE!" Naruto's friend Rock Lee yelled as he punched his fist into the air, "If I can learn to dance I can offer to teach the lovely and youthful TenTen some moves! Then we will run off to the Carribean where we will do youthful activities!"

"Lee!" TenTen said while punching her boyfriend's arm lovingly, "Are you saying I can't dance?"

Giant chibi tears sprouted up into Lee' eyes, "NOO! I DID NOT MEAN TO IMPLY THAT! I'M SO SORRY MY LOTUS BLOSSOM! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" And with that he flung his arms around TenTen and sprouted chibi tears all over her shoulder.

Hinata, Ino, Naruto, and TenTen sweat dropped at Lee's antics. He was just a giant jumble of many things that some people would find unpleasant.

Kiba who was holding Hinata's hand just rolled his eyes, he knew Lee longer than anyone else there so he was more used to Lee.

So as you might see form this small information here, that Lee and TenTen are together (Lee's a persistent being isn't he?) and from the statement above, you can also tell that Hinata and Kiba are together.

Naruto shook her head as if to clear her mind of that memory, after TenTen had calmed Lee down the door burst open and in came the principal of the school. Her name is Tsunade, she is a woman who's in her 40's to 50's but looks to be in her 20's, she has pretty blond hair and honey brown eyes. As she was about to speak our favorite blue-eyed blond cut in.

"OI OBAACHAN!" Naruto called out, "What are you here for?"

A vein popped on Tsunade's forehead, "I was about to announce that Naruto! And don't call me old! Anyway, as I was about to say, Kakashi-san seems tohave caught a very terrible bug and will be out for at least a month, so there will be a substitute, be nice or I'll kill you, so welcome Mr. Itachi Uchiha!"

The door was once again opened and in walked a tall man with dark onyx eyes and black hair; he also had pale skin just like a bastard that Naruto knew.

So she put one and one together (that equals two!) and yelled before Itachi could get a word out, "NO WAY! YOU'RE THAT BASTARD OF AN UCHIHA'S BROTHER?!"

Gasps elicited from the fan girl population in the room, and all eyes turned to Naruto, including Itachi's…

Hello, my name is line, I separate the story.

There you go, my writer's block story! So as usual there's going to be a poll open for Naruto pairings. And remember, Naruto is a girl.

Ja Ne!

-Tarra, Your Author (That Pwns)