It is a well known fact that, as far as specimens of the male species go, Schneizel El Britannia was perfect nearly to a fault

He was a Duke, the second Prince of Britannia, learned, courteous, charming, handsome, and wealthy; the last two traits being nearly as important as the first two on the bustling marriage market of the Empire's upper crust. He was also famously compassionate, being on the board of the Committee to End Fox Hunting and active in numerous charities benefiting the lower classes and numbered peoples. It was said in hushed tones amongst the landed and leisurely that the young populist statesman was the front runner to the throne, a claim supported by the controlling Emperor's extraordinary lack of oversight over the arrangement of his marriage and other personal decisions, the same of which could not be said for the eldest Prince. His brother Prince Clovis once remarked on a party to a circle of amused listeners that such was his brother's flawlessness, "… even his fart smelled a fresh mixture of pine, sandalwood, and Myrrh; should I collect and market the scent, the world's perfumers would undoubtedly go out of business."

We can infer from the statement that Prince Clovis, never one to employ base diction even during his cruel streaks, was either under the influence of alcohol or brotherly envy, but the validity of his point, so eloquently made, remains.

Lady Hastings, wife of Earl of Hastings, whose daughter of age eighteen stood behind her with a fan shielding her face abashedly, suggested that surely the Chancellor hid a vice or two from the curious public, as no man is complete without them.

Schneizel only smiled.


He came across the idea one afternoon when he chanced upon the Einstein girl, alone in the corner of the science lab that frequently doubled as her bedroom. The girl sat hunched over her desk, fervently at work and unaware of his presence even as he stood behind her. His eyebrows rose delicately when he saw that she was not in fact working on the project for which she was being sponsored, but an artwork of some sort. A few minutes later, sufficiently intrigued, he gently tapped her on the shoulder.

Nina whirled around in her lab chair, eyes wide with fear and hair unkempt from keeping an irregular schedule. It took her several seconds before she realized she was threatening her benefactor with the sharp tip of her fountain pen, from which ink threatened to drip onto the front of his expensive shirt. "My Lord, I'm very sorry! If you would but let me explain…"

Schneizel smiled disarmingly, calming the deranged girl, who had been adjusting poorly to life at the Palace after leaving her old life behind. He picked up the several pages she had drafted and began to go through them as Nina's cheeks turned the color of apples, fidgeting in her seat. A minute later, he turned to her. "… These wouldn't happen to represent the truth, would they?"

"No! It is purely a work of fiction, though many of us like to imagine that it is otherwise, and share our enthusiasm by producing and sharing works of this nature." She didn't mention her ulterior motive; that the work was an outlet for her personal and intense loathing of the subjects involved.

Recognizing that his upbringing in the palace sometimes led him to be less exposed to trends of the outside world, Schneizel considered the discovery he had made, his famously clever mind already thinking multiple moves ahead to the probable outcome of the scheme in the making. Finally, he replaced the drafts on the table and to Nina's great surprise, laid his hand upon her shoulder. "Continue and finish this project of yours, Ms. Einstein."

Expecting admonishment, Nina could only blink in confusion. "But My Lord, what about my present assignment? The ninth generation knightmares…"

"You will be excused from them until the completion of the one to which I'm assigning you." He gave her a reassuring pat on the back before turning to leave. "Your efforts here will contribute much more to the defeat of Zero than your previous work."

And the Great Prince left the lab, satisfied with the knowledge that he could have given no better motivation to the girl than he just did.


Weeks later, as Lelouch Vi Britannia walked down a hallway inside Ashford Academy, he sensed that something was amiss. Girls giggled and blushed and spoke in whispers when he walked by, more than usual perhaps, but that was not what bothered him. What struck him was that the boys were also whispering when they spotted him, often with odd glances or muffled snickers; it was a decidedly uncomfortable feeling.

He entered the student council room to find his colleagues assembled as if waiting for his arrival, adding to his discomfort. "Is something the matter?"

He glanced at Rivalz, who averted his gaze and pretended to look out the window. Kallen sat at the meeting table, turning through pages of a periodical, looking on the verge of tears as her shoulders trembled. Rolo looked homicidal, which was only slightly different from his usual demeanor, but Lelouch could tell the difference. Shirley was merely embarrassed, but Milly's expression was one of mixed disappointment and anger, though at whom he could not tell; she was the one who spoke to him first. "Have a seat, Lelouch."

He did, his old friend's use of his full name slightly unnerving him. She placed a comic before him and then crossed her arms, waiting for him to open it. He did, wondering why he and Suzaku were featured on the violet colored cover, his brows knitting after the first few pages until the look of consternation turned to horror and he made the same noise (in rising volume) as when Arthur made off with his mask with every turn of the page. When he was done, the doujin in his hands was nearly in shreds as he tried to instill calm and nonchalance in his shaking voice. "This is a fabrication, obviously. Someone is out to spoil my reputation."

"But for what purpose? Just because you're popular with the ladies isn't enough reason for someone to portray you in an act of intercourse with Suza…" Rivalz's face turned green at the recollection of the X-rated scene and fled to the bathroom, from where retching sounds were soon heard.

Kallen sniffled, doing an Oscar-worthy impersonation of her sickly school alter-ego without any effort, as her distraught was genuine. Life had not treated Kallen Statdfield kindly, thus she was used to disappointment, but knowing that she had twice fallen in love with an (apparently) gay man was a particularly harsh blow.

Shirley rubbed her back comfortingly. Meanwhile, Rolo was sharpening his knife as though it were a pencil. "I don't believe any of it. This," He held up a copy of the doujin and deftly cut it into confetti, "Is nothing but rubbish that could only come from a demented mind."

"Rolo…" Lelouch smiled, his black heart flooded with gratitude at the one person who appeared to still believe him.

"Brother would never settle for bottom, much less allow himself to be strung up in this delici… I meant, lewd fashion."

All charitable feelings Lelouch had for his fake sibling vanished as he returned to regarding him as no more than a rag. Between dread over Nunally discovering the material (momentarily forgetting that she was blind) and thoughts of setting the world on fire, he found himself folded into a embrace, his senses instantly filled with the sunny smell and soft sensations of warm nubile woman; the black feelings began to recede and he felt himself begin to relax in spite of himself. Milly caressed the back of his head gently, the feeling of her fingers gliding through his hair a great source of comfort to the troubled Prince. "Shh… everything will be alright. I'm sorry about all this."

"It's not your fault, Pres… Milly."

She smiled at the boy's use of her given name and continued her soothing ministrations. "If only I had let go of my inhibitions and reached out to you sooner, none of this would have happened."

"Milly?" He looked up to her. She cupped his face in her hands, and though the infinite tenderness behind her clear blue eyes reassured him, Lelouch could not help the chill down his spine when he saw the tip of her tongue dart out over her bottom lip.

"I am going to teach you the pleasures only a woman could offer."

He tried to protest; he wished to point out to his childhood friend (whom he could never refuse) the inappropriateness of her proposed course of action, how disappointed her parents would be, how he was inexperienced and might they take things just a bit slower, but all that came out was an audible gulp and the stupid-sounding words, "Here? Now?"

Somewhere, he knew C.C. was rolling in pitiless laughter.

Milly smiled brightly, her words a promising purr. "Wherever, for however long it takes."


Back at the party, Schneizel recalled the events that followed with a satisfied smile; through the extensive spy network and monitoring equipment planted throughout Ashford Academy and Area Eleven, he learned that not only had the circulation of Nina's doujins caused the collapse of the morale and subsequent disintegration of the Black Knights, the strategy also had the unforeseen benefit of ushering Lelouch (whom he had always been very fond of) into manhood with help from a very nice girl.

Surely, Lady Marianne can rest in peace now.

Returning his attention to Lady Hastings and her daughter, the brilliant Schneizel took a sip of champagne to congratulate himself once more on his best move yet before replying in perfect honesty that he had an incurable penchant for practical jokes, especially on his younger siblings.

The honorable Lady, unaware of all the facts, only gushed in return over how wonderful it was for the children of the royal family to get along so well.

Author's Notes: The alternate title for this piece was "Lelouch the Uke," but I was afraid that would have driven away some readers (while probably attracting others). I like this story very much, despite being a tried and true formula which I have written for at least two other fandoms. I believe this is about as tasteful as I could make a story involving Yaoi and Lelouch, but then any fic would benefit in the tastefulness category by starring the brilliant Schneizel.

I'm going to return to writing the main story now. In the future, when I want a break from all the ambition and glory and epic nonsense, I will add more one-shots to this title. Until next time.