A/N: Ok, I've been in a HUGE pissy mood today. I've been the WORST bitch you could EVER imagine. DX So I decided to torture something. And since no one is around for me to kick around at the house, I decided to go ahead and write this fic for my own sick, sadistic pleasure. It brings me glee to inflict pain on others. It's the only thing I CAN control in my life. Sorry it's not canon and/or OOC. I don't care. I just want to relieve my stress right now. It's supposed to be a parody. It's supposed to be funny. Please don't make my day worse by whining that it's OOC. I just want to make fun of them right now.
Disclaimer: I do not own GX. I don't own shit, actually. I'm pretty much so impoverished. If my rents kicked me out, I'd die.
Alexis dreaded Sundays with all her heart. Sundays meant that they had the entire day off at Duel Academy. Sundays meant that the students would have more time to hang out, and less time chained to their desks doing homework. Sundays meant hell for her.
It wasn't that she enjoyed school too much. Yes, she did find it to be rewarding to work hard; however, no one liked to be pushed too much, and homework was always a drag. The problem did not lie in the educational system, rather, the student body. She always tried to be patient and tried to endure the torment and annoyance brought about on her by the people that lived around her, particularly her brother.
That Sunday, however, began relatively easy. Her first thought that something was going wrong was when she awoke at nine A.M., yet no one had bothered her. It was strangely quiet. Sitting up in bed, she looked around the room to find she was completely alone. She picked her clothes up as well as a towel, and went into the bathroom for a quick shower, not once letting her guard down. Before she undressed, she pulled the curtain back and checked for hidden cameras. There were none. Next, she checked beneath the cabinet. Still no cameras. Still a bit uneasy, she dropped the blinds and stripped.
Hearing a snicker, she froze and pulled the towel up over her bare figure. Glowering, she looked around, trying to find the culprit. Silence filled the room. Since there was no more laughter, she decided it must have been her imagination and stepped into the shower.
"Damn, that's hot," She heard.
Ripping the shower curtain back a ways, she glared at the air vent near the ceiling, where horny giggles were erupting. She threw her towel around herself, and stepped up on the counter, removing the grill. "ATTICUS!" She shouted, only to be sadly mistaken. She came face to face with none other than Harrington Rosewood. Her eyes widened.
"Hey, Alexis," He greeted as though nothing were unusual about him spying on her in the shower, "How's it going?"
"What do you think you're doing spying on me?" She snapped, smacking him across the face.
"Oh, I was just thinking we could play a little game of singles. Come on, baby, hit my tennis balls. I could use a little service, if you know what I mean." He laughed as though he were funny.
Alexis narrowed her eyes at him. "Harrington! Don't talk to a lady like that!"
"Oh, but you're not just any lady," He replied, grinning, "You're MY lady!"
"Ok, that's definitely it. Get out of my bathroom!" She yelled, shoving him out of the vent.
He fell on his hunkalicious face, which left a large, disgraceful bruise across his cute-as-a-button nose. Not to mention his hair got mussed up in the process.
"NO!" He shouted in horror, his eyes widening as he looked at his reflection in the mirror, "THE HORROR!! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL, SEXY FACE!! It-it's RUINED." He burst into tears, combing his hair furiously and racing out the door wailing for his mommy.
"Pathetic." Alexis seethed, stepping back into the shower.
She hadn't been in for five minutes when there was a knock on the door. Before she could tell them to go away, the door busted down, and whoever it was rudely barged in.
"Lexi! Lexi!" Atticus screamed, ripping the shower curtain from the rod, "You've got to hide me!"
Alexis was too horrified to be angry. She watched in shock as he quickly hung the curtain back up and cowered in the shower with her. Part of her wondered if Atticus had done this on purpose, and if he just was a big pervert who wanted to see his sister naked.
"They're coming…" Atticus muttered in a trembling voice.
"Who?" Alexis asked, glaring at him, "What could be so awful that you'd disrespect me so rashly?!"
Atticus looked at her, biting his lip. His eyes were as wide as U.F.O.s, "The fanboys are coming!"
"Fanboys? YOUR fanboys?" She asked in confusion.
"No, worse…our fanboys!" He replied, shivering, "I can handle the ladies, but these guys are just vicious!"
"Atticus, get out of here," Alexis glared at him, "I'm sure you can handle it."
"NO! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO OUT THERE!!" He shrieked as she threw him out.
A few minutes later, the dorm began to quiver. She wondered if there was an earthquake. A loud rumble soon accompanied the shaking, and bits of plaster began to fall from the ceiling. There was a scream from outside the door as hundreds of voices filled the other room. It sounded like the fanboys had arrived and were violently devouring Atticus. When he began to scream bloodcurlingly like a rabid banshee, she began to wonder if he were being buttraped.
Quickly, she dried off and dressed herself. Did she dare to open the door? Finally gathering her courage, she flung the door open. She gasped. There must've been a hundred fanboys crammed in her room. They were surging and swarming about like bees, crowding and fawning around something. Atticus was nowhere to be found. But there were bloody handprints on the walls. She knew she was in over her head.
"Um…some help here?" She muttered weakly as the fanboys turned to her, salivating heavily.
"I'll save you!" Came a raspy--and unfortunately all too familiar--voice.
She turned slowly to see Chazz bust in through the window, shattering glass all over her floor. She glared at him. In his right hand, he held a camcorder.
"And now, the Chazz must defeat the horde of zombies and save the beautiful damsel in distress…" Chazz moaned into the camera, then, flashed a sickeningly arrogant smirk. "The Chazz to the rescue!"
"Oh, no…" Alexis muttered, watching as he set himself up for an epic fail.
She tried to warn him about the fanboys' power, but it was too late. He jumped on them and plowed them over like an over-eager contractor on a bulldozer trashing farmland before building another pointless shopping center. Horrified, she watched as he beat the snot out of the wimpy fanboys. She'd had no idea that he could've usurped all their power. But alas, his devotion to her was far greater than theirs. Seeing that they were defeated, they all ran away, whimpering like puppies with their tails between their legs.
"How's THAT for you?" Chazz asked, grinning cockily at her.
She gaped at him. Then: "Where's Atticus?"
"Atticus?" His grin faded. "Whoops…I think they already got him…They must be taking him to their tribal religious ceremony…"
"Religious ceremony?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, they have devoted a religion to you guys. They call it Rhodism…"
"How do you know about this?" She asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Uh…got to go," He said quickly, "I just remembered that it's time to make my daily sacrifice, er, I mean, I have a haircut appointment!" He leapt out the window.
Sighing heavily, she gave up and walked out the door. She figured Atticus was faking it and could figure things out for himself. Feeling stressed already, she decided to go for a walk.
As she was walking, she heard a wolf whistle. "DAMN, you look sexy!" A male voice whooped.
Another joined in a moment later. "You look so good with your ass hanging out like that!"
Alexis took a deep breath and turned slowly. "If you know what's good for you, you'd shut up."
The boys laughed. "Will you be my whore?" One asked.
"Hey, babe, if I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?" The other asked rudely.
Alexis glowered at both of them. "That's it. You two are going down." She smacked them both across the faces, hard. "That'll teach you to mess with girls!" She snapped.
"What are you doing to my nephews?!" The Chancellor shrieked, running up.
"Uncle, Uncle!" They cried, whining and wimpering, "This girl just started beating us up for no reason!"
"Well, we'll see what we can do about that!" Chancellor Shepherd said, frowning deeply. "Detention!"
"But it's Sunday!" She protested, "And they were sexually harassing me!"
"Do you want to be suspended?" He asked, glaring down at her.
She shook her head.
"Well, then, go to Crowler's classroom!" He told her pointing towards the school.
Begrudgingly, she walked towards the school. As she walked past the boys, she hissed beneath her breath, "I'll sic Chazz on you guys later." With that, she grumbled and hurried off to detention.
When she arrived, she found Dr. Crowler leaning back in his seat, sound asleep. There was one other student in the classroom. And who else would it be other than Jaden Yuki. Groaning, she took a seat FAR away from the Slifer. She didn't want her crush on him to be apparent. Besides, he'd been a bit annoying as of recent.
A few minutes passed by uneventfully. Jaden hadn't even noticed her existence. He was too busy whispering to his cards and petting them lovingly. She felt slightly angered at this. How dare he not notice her like all the others! All he ever did was duel anyway. Why didn't he just marry his Elemental Heroes?
After a moment though, when she'd begun to think about how bored she was starting to get, a pencil attacked her head. She grimaced as it fell in her lap. There was a note attached to it. Curious, she opened the note and read it.
"alexis com over her and talk to me. Im board and dr crolwer isnt loking. :D"
She frowned at the grammar and spelling mistakes. Perhaps he was just pretending to be that stupid. There was no way he was serious. Maybe he was just trying to cheer her up. Shrugging, she wondered what harm there was in it and moved to a seat near Jaden.
He grinned at her widely. "Hey."
"Hi," She said grimly, sighing heavily.
"What are you in for?" He asked.
She wondered if his innocent mind could handle it. Finally: "Some guys called me a few names so I slapped them…They're the Chancellor's nephews. So of course I got in trouble. You?"
"Dr. Crowler always gives me detention on Sundays," He said, shrugging, "Something about an attitude complex of mine…What do you think he means?" He blinked, clueless.
She smacked herself in the forehead. "Jaden…he means he doesn't like you."
"Because you always put him down in front of the class and you beat him." Alexis explained.
"I don't put him down."
"Yes, you do."
"Hey, are you going out with Zane?" He suddenly asked.
Her face turned red. "Whoever told you that?"
"Everyone says it's true. I don't know. I just couldn't help overhearing it…"
"Jaden," She gasped, grasping him by the shoulders, "Tell me what they're saying about me…"
"I don't know," He whined, trying to push her away, "Something about him banging you, which made no sense because Zane doesn't hit girls."
Alexis stared at him. "Jaden…"
He blinked innocently up at her. She didn't have the heart to tell him.
Jaden looked up at her for a moment, then said, "Want to duel?"
"Not really," She groaned.
He stared at her for a moment, then, reached out and grabbed her boob ever so innocently. Her eyes widened.
"J-Jaden! What are you doing?"
He looked up at her and blinked. "Atticus told me to do it."
"Why?" She demanded to know.
"Because he said that you wanted me to but were too shy to ask me. I don't know why though…I don't know why you'd want me to."
"I didn't want you to!" She snapped, swatting his hands away. "Jaden, that's bad. VERY BAD. Don't grab girls like that!" Nevertheless, her face was burning. However flustered she seemed, she hated to admit that it had been something she'd been hoping for a long time.
"Atticus showed me your journal," He said, scratching his head. "It said something about how you wanted to BLEEP me. Alexis, what's BLEEP mean?"
"AH!" Alexis fell out of her seat, causing her legs to get tangled in Jaden's. He fell on top of her in a most, er, questionable position.
There was the flash of a camera. Alexis shrieked and tried to push Jaden off of her. But he was so stunned by all of the excitement that he kept slipping and faceplanting in her boobs. They squirmed, trying desperately to get up. But they kept getting entangled in each others' flailing limbs, causing the scene to look worse and worse. And that was when Dr. Crowler woke up.
He took one look at the "horny couple" rolling in "passionate love" all over the floor, and screamed. His face turned redder than Jaden's jacket. Immediately, he pulled out a clean, lacy white hanky and chewed on it during a long, dramatic pause.
Atticus, on the other hand, leapt out of nowhere, camera in hand, laughing hysterically. "That was great! Now I can post these pictures up on MySpace!"
"Atticus, NO!" Alexis shouted, "Then all the forty year old perverts with nothing better to do than lurk on the Internet will be bombarding my profile with messages! What would that do to my reputation? To Jaden's? Have you no shame? And weren't you killed by the fanboys?"
Atticus shrugged. "They threatened Bastion into finding a way to revive me. Now I'm their god…"
"You always were…" Alexis groaned, finally managing to get free of Jaden. "Give me the camera."
"No." Atticus' eyes gleamed with evil. "I'm going to put this on a soft-core porn site!"
"But--" She swiped for the camera, almost grabbing it.
Laughing hysterically, he whistled. Chazz popped up from behind the seats like an obedient pet. Atticus threw the camera at him and told him to take it back to his room.
"Don't let Alexis have it no matter what," He cautioned.
Chazz drooled. "Yes, Master!"
"What have you done to him, now?!" Alexis demanded to know, clenching her fists, "He's MY fanboy! You can't have him!"
"I can do what I want," Atticus insisted, "It doesn't matter what I've done with him." An impish smirk spread across his face, as he muttered softly, "All that matters is that the pictures are safe."
Alexis screamed. "Chazz Princeton! You'd better give me that camera right now, or I'll kill you!"
A smirk equal to Atticus' spread across the raven haired boy's delicate features. "You can have it back," He whispered, his beady charcoal eyes gleaming with mischief, "if you kiss me. On the lips."
Alexis stared. "K-kiss you?"
He grinned wickedly. "Do it, or else everyone will think you and Jaden got it on." He threw his head back and laughed a horrible, screeching laugh.
Alexis gritted her teeth. "Why?" She demanded to know, "WHY?!"
"Pucker up, sweetheart," He sneered, holding the camera high above her head and out of reach.
There was no way she could grab it, so she had no choice. Grimacing and squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she leaned forwards. She almost puked in her mouth when he breathed his fishy breath on her face and touched his dry lips to hers. Even worse, he forced his tongue in her mouth, drooling all over her face in the process. His tongue tasted like fried shrimp. She gagged.
Jaden stared with huge eyes. "I can't watch!" He shouted as he jumped out the window, forgetting he was on the 93858476423097542048676024827th floor of the school. Miraculously enough, he didn't die.
"I HATE SUNDAYS!!" Alexis screamed as she tore away from Chazz and dashed out the door to go get some mouthwash. She didn't notice Atticus and Chazz high five.
"The Love Master finally wins!" Atticus cheered.
Chazz nodded. "Too bad we had to use slacker to roll all over her."
Atticus placed an arm around his shoulders. "Hey, don't feel too bad about it. Jaden still doesn't know what happened. And you got what you wanted, so it's all good. I pronounce Plan Worst Day Ever a success!"
"I guess you're right." Chazz agreed, beaming.
They walked off, glowing in luminous pride over their great accomplishment. Next Sunday, they would go on with phase two of their plan. Boy, was Alexis in for a surprise!
A/N: That sucked so epically it's not even funny. I'm losing my touch. I can't write parodies anymore GAH. But I promised this so…here it is…SIGH. I'm not happy with it. It was so random and stupid…maybe some of you will like it a little. / I'm just not funny anymore. It's just forced and overdone. DX I'm sorry, you guys.