Chapter 4: Feeling Aren't My Thing
"Gilt is that way," Blair said as Chuck led her through the lobby of the Palace Hotel and the opposite direction of the restaurant.
"We're not eating at Gilt, Blair, we're going up to my suite."
Blair smiled. She knew he still kept his old suite, forever reserved under his name, just like his father and Lily kept the penthouse even though they'd moved into an actual house outside New York years ago.
1812 held just as many memories for them as the limo did. And it had always been a a place to go when they couldn't make it back to their penthouse in Manhattan or if they wanted to relive old days, which is why her Constance uniform and his St. Jude's uniform were hung up in the closet of the suite.
The ride up was silent, Chuck tense and looking at her out of the corner of his eye while she stared at their reflection in the mirrored elevator doors. He didn't look mad as she thought he would be, he looked… tired. She bit her lip lightly and looked away just as the doors opened.
His hand found the small of her back and led her to the room. He slid the key into the door and let her enter first before following in and making sure the door was locked.
She slipped off the coat she was wearing, leaving her in her coffee-colored silk tieneck blouse and her skinny jeans that was a rarity in and of it self. She preferred skirts to jeans. But since she'd been out with Serena and Serena liked to dress down, she'd decided on a pair of jeans that donned the back of her closet most days. Her feet donned a matching pair of heels that matched the color of her shirt to perfection.
She walked over to the bar where Chuck had already made himself comfortable behind it, fixing himself a drink.
"Water?" he asked.
"Ginger ale," she corrected.
"Did you want to order something from the kitchen?" he asked as he poured her a glass of ginger ale and set it next to her.
"I'm not hungry," she sighed. "It's not supposed to be this tense, Chuck."
"I know," he admitted leaning against the shelves that held the liquor behind the bar.
"Then why is it? We know why we're here to talk, we've been talking about it since I told you I was pregnant. You agreed I could have the baby."
"I know," he groaned. "I know."
"It's still not too late if you decided to change your mind," she whispered.
His eyes snapped to her face which was downcast, staring at her drink as she swirled it in the glass. He gave a sigh and shook his head. "No, I haven't changed my mind, this makes you happy."
"But it doesn't make you happy," she whispered, looking at him this time. "A baby is supposed to be a happy thing with normal couples."
"We're not exactly a normal couple, Blair, I don't think this applies to us."
"You have a choice, Chuck."
He scoffed and stared at her in disbelief. "Sure, Blair, make you get rid of the baby and not only do I lose yet another child, but I lose you too."
"I wouldn't have left you," she denied.
"Maybe not in the legal sense," he told her. "But I know you, Blair. Something like this happens, you'd withdraw into yourself, just like when we lost the first one. I lost so much when that happened."
"Of course we did," she agreed.
"You don't get it, Blair, do you? I didn't just lose a child when we were seventeen!"
She frowned. "I'm confused."
He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, coming out from behind the bar to sit on the couch, burying his face in his hands, his fingers tugging his hair. She went over and sat on the table across from him, pulling his hands away and smoothing out his hair. "Tell me what you mean," she pleaded. "I can't help this situation if you don't talk to me, Chuck."
He swallowed and shook his head hesitating. "I don't know how," he admitted. "I'm not good at the whole… sharing thing."
"Just… talk," she told him in a low voice, afraid if she spoke too loud, the feelings that he kept buried deep inside would recede back in.
She knew when she had started their relationship he was nothing like Nate. And she never expected him to be and had stopped comparing the two immediately. She knew the first time he hesitated in telling her he loved her, that the words would be few and far between. Which made it all the more special when he said them.
He wasn't a sharer and she never expected him to be. She had always been good at reading him. All the emotions he felt were in his eyes, flitting across easily for anyone who looked closely to read.
She'd been one of the brave ones to venture into his mesmerizing whiskey colored eyes. And now looking at them she saw the hesitation in them.
"Just.. talk," she whispered again, placing a hand on his cheek. "You know I won't judge you, Chuck. I would never."
"I'm your wife, one of your best friends. We've done and said a lot worse than the topic of our conversation; we know each other's darkest secrets, we know how to ruin each other, yet we never use that information against each other. You know you can trust me, Chuck. You can tell me anything. Let me help."
They stared at each other before she watched him swallow and look away. He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly as if he was thinking and forming the words, but not allowing them to come out or not being able to get them out.
"After we lost the baby, Blair, you were so… depressed," he whispered, his voice so low she had to strain to catch it. "We'd just found out and not two weeks later, before we even had a chance to even realize just what it meant to be parents at such a young age, to have that kind of responsibility, to admit to ourselves that we were actually ready to make that type of commitment, it all came crashing down."
He turned back to her, his eyes catching hers. Everything he'd kept inside for the past nine years came tumbling from his lips without a thought. A plug had been pulled and there was no putting it back. It was all or nothing at this point.
She stared at him with shocked eyes as he stared back at her with warring emotions flitting across his eyes, from agonizing to fearful. His eyes spoke so much more than what he was saying.
"Then, those three months when we didn't talk to each other? Worst three months of my life, Blair."
"No," he said standing up abruptly, and looking at his with accusing eyes. "No, you don't know. After you got released from the hospital, you became this… this… this robot, going to school, going home, getting everything done before crawling into bed and crying. Do you know how horrible it is to see the person you're falling in love with hurt that way?"
"I wasn't good at cheering people up, I'm still not. You know that. But… God, those three months were hell for me, watching Serena and even Nate do a better job at talking to you and caring for you than the guy that let you down in the end."
"You didn't let me down!" She told him standing up.
"I don't want to see you go through that again, Blair."
"You can't promise that." He shook his head, his voice lowering again, and leaned against the wall in defeat. "I can't watch you self-destruct like last time, I don't think I would survive it if it happened again. Not just losing another child Blair, but I'm afraid I'd lose you completely. It took years for you to finally be yourself again after last time."
She shook her head with a frown.
"You didn't just snap out of it one day. You may not have realized it, but I did. You gradually became yourself, but still, even to this day, you're not the same as before."
"And that makes me a horrible person? Because I still mourn the baby I lost when I was seventeen, because I go to sleep every night hoping and praying that it was all a dream?"
"Of course not, Blair."
"I'm not going to lose this baby, Chuck. I'm not!"
"It's not something you can just promise, Blair. It's not something you fast-forward in that little movie in your head and see the outcome of. It's an unknown. You can't promise that if you do lose the baby, you'll be the same as before. Women can miscarry five times before they're able to actually carry to full term, Blair. Are you willing to lose five babies?"
She glared at him. "Will you allow me five babies?"
Chuck couldn't help the bitter laugh that came from his lips. "Sure, Blair, what's five more breaks in my heart going to do?"
"I don't want this to ruin us, Chuck." She looked up at him, hugging her stomach. "And I don't want to go through this alone."
"It won't ruin us, Blair."
"That's not something you can promise either… is it?" She stared at him a while longer while he stared back, both not quite sure what to say any more. She watched his mouth open with something to say before closing it again and looking away.
She grabbed her jacket and crossed the room to him. "What did you hope to gain from this conversation, Chuck? That I would take your side and get rid of our child? That I would make the decision by myself?"
"Of course not," he whispered.
"Because even if that was why, I wouldn't be able to do it. I've grown attached," she said with a teasing smile, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "And I really hope you do too."
"I don't think I can, Blair."
She nodded. "And now I know why and it's okay." She leaned up and kissed his lips softly. "I'll see you at home, okay? Six thirty," she reminded him before turning around and leaving him alone in his old suite staring after her, then the door after she'd left.
He blinked and pulled his phone out of his pocket, hitting two on his speed dial and putting the phone up to his ear. He gave a sigh of relief when the person at the other end answered.
"Nathaniel, do you have an hour to spare?" He asked. He heard the voice of his worried friend ask if everything was okay, Chuck cut him off, not wanting to stress his friend too much. "Everything's fine, Blair's fine. I'm just in need of some friendly advice. Meet me at my old suite?"
After Nate had agreed, he hung up his phone and sat on his couch again, closing his eyes and trying to rid his body of the tension his wife had created.
The knock on the suite door roused him. He blinked his eyes slowly before rolling off the couch and walking to the door slowly. Opening the door, he smiled weakly at Nate who patted his arm.
"Did you and Blair argue?" Nate asked as he walked in and Chuck closed the door again.
"I'm not sure what we did," Chuck admitted. "We didn't really yell. I just… Do you think I'm too hard on Blair?"
Nate frowned as he sat on the couch, while Chuck grabbed two waters, tossing one to Nate before settling down on the bar stool.
"Hard on Blair, no."
"Am I overreacting over this?" Chuck asked, not used to having to ask for advice. Nate usually came to him, it was rare when he called Nate for advice on anything, let alone his marriage.
"Chuck, man, you've lost a child, it's understandable that you feel the need to protect Blair. Though I do think you taking her to an abortion clinic is taking it too far."
Chuck winced. "You heard about that?"
"Blair told Serena, who told Dan, who told Vanessa, who in turn yelled at me at what a prick you are. Look, Chuck, have you told Blair why you're acting like an asshole?"
"Yeah, we just got done talking about. This whole… sharing your feelings thing? Totally new to me."
"And Blair understands it. I just think you should ease up a bit on her."
"So I am being too hard on her."
"A bit, yeah," Nate said smiling sheepishly. "You know she didn't do this on purpose to spite you, you haven't pissed her off that bad."
"No, I haven't."
"And you also have to realize she didn't get herself pregnant and none of us got her pregnant."
"So I'm to blame?"
"Partially," Nate laughed. "I think one of the biggest fears Blair has is that you're going to close off to this so much and when she does have the baby, you're going to resent it."
"You know she'll be in just as much pain as she was losing the baby as will be having it?" Nate pointed out.
Chuck sighed and gave a short nod, having thought of that. "You know I'm not one to… feel."
"No, you're not. Serena says you're an emotional retard."
"I'll be sure to thank my dear sister next time I see her."
"I'll let her know," Nate laughed.
Chuck looked at Nate seriously as he gave a tired sigh. "I can't lose her, Nate."
"And you won't," Nate said standing and patting his shoulder. "Blair's a tough girl, man, you know that."
"I know, and I think that's what scares me the most," he whispered.
They were getting ready in silence. Blair stared at the mirror in front of her, straightening the lace of her dress while Chuck stood behind her, tying his bow tie. Seeing his fingers get tangled in the fabric, she sighed and turned around to fix it, swatting his hands away when he resisted.
"I…" he opened his mouth, then closed it with a frown.
"What?" She asked.
"I'm…" he sighed and looked down at her as she made the final loop and straightened the bow. "I'm going to try."
She looked up at him with wide eyes. "Really?"
He closed his eyes and leaned his head so their foreheads rested against each other. "I'm still not happy about this and I'm not going to get my hopes up about it. But you're right, you shouldn't go through this alone, so I'll ease up about it."
"So I can talk to you about the nursery?" She asked with a smile.
"Blair!" He whispered in a pained voice.
"Sorry, too fast?"
"Yes, let's just get telling our families over with and then we'll talk, okay?"
"Okay," she nodded eagerly. She pulled away from him to sit on the bed and put on her shoes, then frowned, looking at him as he put on his suit jacket. "You're not just saying this to get back into the bed, are you?"
Chuck laughed and looked at his wife. "As much as I would have loved for that to be the reason, no. That's not why. I really do mean it."
She stood up, her heels securely strapped, and kissed him. "You're getting better at this whole sharing thing," she teased
"If you're lucky, feelings aren't the only thing I'll be sharing tonight," he leered.
"Glad to have you back, Bass," she laughed before leaving the room, just as he heard the first of their families arrive. He stared at himself in the mirror smoothing his hair and taking a deep breath before releasing it and going downstairs to greet his father and stepmother.
"Father." he smiled lightly and his father gave him his signature nod. "Lily, you're looking lovely as always."
Lily laughed and kissed his cheek. "Charles, always a charmer."
"Charles?" Bart asked looking towards the study.
"Yes, father?" Chuck asked looking at his dad as Blair talked to Lily.
"Why is there a blanket and a pillow in your study?" Bart asked, raising an eyebrow at his son. "Have you been sleeping in your office, son?"
"He's been working so hard," Blair laughed as she patted her father-in-law's arm. "I was missing him in bed last night and went to his office to see what he was up to. He fell asleep on the couch with his laptop. I didn't have the heart to wake him up. The maid must have forgotten to put the blankets and pillows back."
Chuck smiled tightly as he shut the office door. No need for his father to see the change of clothes he also had in there for the morning when he'd wanted to avoid Blair at all costs.
"Mom!" Blair smiled as she kissed her mother's cheek.
Slowly, within the next half hour the Van Der Bass -Waldorf family and counterparts had all trickled in and were making their way to the dining room, talking to each other.
Erik had come in shortly after Eleanor, his new boyfriend, Dimitri, trotting behind him, then Serena and Dan ten minutes after them, apologizing profusely for running late.
Blair sat them down, letting Bart Bass take the head of the table while Lily sat on his left side, with Eleanor next to her, then Erik and Dimitri. Chuck sat at his father's right, with Blair sitting next to him, and Serena and Dan next to her.
Dinner was served just as they settled, conversation never breaking. Lily and Eleanor talked fashion lines, Eleanor telling her all about the new line she'd just finished. Serena, Blair and Dan talked to Erik and his new boy toy Dimitri while Chuck talked business with his father.
The twice-a-month dinner for the family was done to get together and catch up on their lives. It had been instilled by Lilly when she'd first married Bart. They would jet off for weeks to some foreign place, leaving the Van Der Bass family to fend on their own. Not that they complained, it just meant Serena spent more time at the Humphrey loft, and Blair spent more time in Chuck's bed than her own.
But Lily wanted dinners together as a family when they arrived home. She wanted to hear everything they'd done or planned on doing. After Blair and Chuck had gotten married, they'd asked Eleanor to join in and every once in a blue moon Vanessa and Nate would join when Chuck was avoiding his father for one reason or another and needed his best friend as a distraction.
Since Blair and Chuck had a permanent residence in New York and their parents' varied, Blair had volunteered to take over the dinners, much to her delight.
The conversation kept up until the plates were cleared and dessert was brought out. Blair turned to Chuck who was looking at her. She tilted her head to the side in question, he gave a nod and clinked his glass softly to get the family's attention.
The chatter died down and Serena squeezed Blair's hand tightly in support as Blair and Chuck stood up.
Chuck cleared his throat as he formed the words that he really didn't want to say out loud. "While Blair and I are always happy to have our families in under the same roof, even if it is for a short time, it wasn't the only reason we asked you here tonight."
"Chuck and I have an announcement," Blair said with a true smile while Chuck's was a bit forced, not that his father would know the difference.
"Blair?" Eleanor said with a smile.
"I'm pregnant!" Blair said with a nod and a wide smile, causing her mother to tear up.
"Oh, oh," Eleanor said, dabbing her eyes, "My baby is having a baby."
Erik looked at her wide eyed, having known about the drama in high school, and looked at his sister. "Is this good?" he whispered.
Serena nodded. "Yeah, it is."
Erik stood and hugged Blair who had come around the table to hug her mother and Lily. He eyed Chuck who was talking to his father and walked over slowly so he could congratulate him.
"Well, congratulations, son."
"Thank you, father."
"Grandfather now, I guess." A slight smile came to Bart's mouth, tilting the frown he always wore upwards.
"Chuck," Erik said patting Chuck's shoulder. "Congratulations," he said as Bart left the two to sit back in his seat and listen to the conversations. "Is this good?"
Chuck shrugged as they stood away from the table, Blair talking to Serena excitedly about the plans she'd already made. "It makes her happy, so it has to be good, right?"
Erik laughed. "Is it my turn to give the brotherly advice?"
Chuck smirked and looked at his little brother, now twenty two years old instead of the fourteen-year-old he remembered him to be. "Of course."
"Don't let what your seventeen-year-old self believed and felt get in the way of what you feel now."
"And what do I feel now?" Chuck asked, amusement lacing his voice.
"Deep down, Chuck, you're happy. Scared shitless, sure, what prospective father wouldn't be, let alone one that's been what you and Blair have been through. But you're looking forward to this, just as much as she is. So… at the risk of sounding lame, go with the flow, Bass. Come nine months, you'll be a father."
He patted Chuck's arm once more before joining in on the planning of the nursery Blair had already envisioned, leaving Chuck staring after the scene with even more warring emotions than he had started with, and to say he didn't like it was an understatement.
"What are you doing?" She asked later that night standing in the doorway of her husband's office.
"Getting ready for bed, what does it look like?" He asked, sarcasm lacing his voice as he pulled the blanket across the couch that had been his bed for the past week.
"The bedroom is upstairs," she said with a raised eyebrow.
He stood up straight and looked at her. "Excuse me?"
She rolled her eyes. "You are welcome back into the bedroom, should you want to sleep with me instead of by yourself." With a shake of her head she left the office and went upstairs to the bedroom.
She took off her white sheer robe and hung it up on the bed, leaving her silk chemise to fall mid-thigh as she settled under the covers, setting her laptop on top and looked at the page she'd been looking at without her husband's knowledge.
The door creaked open. She looked up and smirked as Chuck came into the bedroom, his pillow under one arm while the other held the clothes he'd snuck downstairs. He threw the pillow on his side of the bed and went into the bathroom to throw his dirty laundry in the chute.
"What are you looking at?" He asked as he put on a clean pair of silk pajama bottoms.
"Website," she murmured, handing him the remote for the TV as he settled over the covers.
"I know that," he said scanning the channels before settling on 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' when Blair's eyes lit up. "What website?" He turned and watched as Blair turned to him.
"You don't want to know."
"What to expect when expecting."
Chuck frowned. "There's a website?"
"Hmm," she nodded. "It gives a week by week account on what to expect. It's nice."
Chuck stared at her for a brief second and blinked, suddenly very aware that he had no idea just how far along she was.
"How…" Chuck frowned as he continued to stare at her. She looked away from her screen to look at him.
"How what?" She asked.
"How far along are you?"
She smiled lightly and patted her hand to the space he'd put between them, signaling for him to come closer. "You said you'd try, right?"
With a sigh he scooted forward and rested his chin on her shoulder, looking at the computer screen and frowned at the week she was on. "Really?"
"Hmm," she nodded.
"Six weeks, that's it?"
"What did you expect?" She asked softly.
"I don't know," he shrugged. "I mean I just assumed you were further along. It's a little too early to tell, isn't it?"
"We already know I'm pregnant, Chuck, I have the proof in the dresser," she said referring to the ultrasound. She rubbed his cheek lightly and kissed him softly. "Still scared?"
Chuck shrugged and closed his eyes instead of responding. Blair smiled softly. It was times like these when she was reminded of the small boy she'd met on the playground of the preschool class, shy and withdrawn. It hadn't been until kindergarten that he'd begun to be the Chuck that everyone knew him as, the troublemaker, the heartbreaker.
She liked the shy Chuck better. Her Chuck. She kissed his forehead and went back to the site. "Our baby is the size of a sweet pea, you know."
"And the head is starting to form."
"Hmm," he repeated, skimming his lips over her shoulder.
Curious as to what to expect in her second trimester, she clicked the link and found week fourteen. Smiling, she clicked the article that was in the 'For Dad' section. She giggled causing Chuck to open his eyes.
"You of all people have every reason to look forward to the pregnancy."
He scoffed. "And why is that?"
Blair laughed as she read the article she'd found. "'A lot of women find that pregnancy increases their sexual appetite, leaving them hungry all the time (even when their partners are more than satiated.)'. See, it's when your horniness is welcome as well as that high stamina you're always bragging about."
"Bragging?" He said raising an eyebrow. "I'll show you bragging," he said closing her laptop and tossing it carefully on the floor before wrapping his arms around her back and laying her on the bed.
His lips traced her neck, nipping at the column of her throat as her fingers clenched on his back. One of his hand wandered down her thigh, slowly pushing the chemise up while the other pulled her hair back allowing him more access to her throat. Her legs parted allowing him to fall comfortably between them, their hips rubbing together.
He heard her moan and smirked against her throat as his fingers massaged her thigh.
"Chuck," she groaned. His nose pushed the thin strap off her shoulder as she groaned again, this time pushing at his shoulder. "Chuck, wait."
He pulled away and looked at her. "What?" he asked his breathing ragged, matching hers.
"I don't feel right," she said, her hands rubbing her stomach.
"It's normal, Blair, you should be used to that feeling," he smirked.
"No, it's not-ugh!" she pushed him off and ran to the bathroom, her hand covering her mouth. He winced and fell onto his back as he heard the first of her retching into the toilet.
He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples tiredly before getting up to hold his wife's hair back as she threw up into the toilet. This was going to be long nine months.
I hope you all enjoyed. I know I had fun writing this chapter.
I just want you all to know Chuck isn't doing a full on turn around about the baby. It's more like he's humoring Blair until he can wrap his mind around the whole thing.
I would love to know what you all think! And I'll try to post the next one soon!!