Inspiration- Tomorrowby x-Zebbie-x. The Gospel by havelocke. Growing Upby havelocke.
Songs/Artists-The Beatles, Paramore, Three Days Grace, The Scene Aesthetic, Panic! At the Disco, Evanescence, Cute Is What We Aim For, and the Across the Universe Soundtrack.
People- Bree (scalp!), Brother Shane, Cousin Maddy (married).
Warning- Incest, Yaoi, and suicide implied
ARG! This fanfiction killed me! I'm officially in a writers funk now.
Disclaimer-I don't own Sora, I don't own Roxas, and I don't own With a Little Help from My Friends by the Beatles. Though, I do have the record…. I don't own the song Animal I've Become by Three Days Grace. I don't even have the CD. I don't own any other character mentioned aside from Roxas and Sora's parents. I also don't own the videogames mentioned and blah-blah-blah. You get it.
Animal I've Become
Sora. Sora. Sora. The name repeats over and over in my head, I just wish it would stop. I watch the boy whenever possible and that means all the time.
You see, I love Sora. Well, everyone knows I love Sora. What they don't know is that I'm in love with Sora. But, that can't happen. Wanna know why?
Both of us being guys isn't the problem. His girlfriend, Kairi Hart, isn't the problem. God, I wish those were the only problems, but sadly, they aren't.
Sora is my brother. My twin brother on top of that. I, Roxas Skye, am head-over-heals for my own flesh and blood and no one knows about it. No one can know about it. If they did, I'd be sent away forever and ever. Away from my reason to live. Away from the one that cares for me. Away from the one that I need the most.
That's the reason not even he can know how I feel. God, why do you have to torture me like this?
I sit in bed and stare at the ceiling of our shared room. My ceiling is covered in stars and moons, his side is covered in… well, everything. His side of the room was a complete disaster. You couldn't see the floor, the bed, the walls, nothing. My side had a few stray clothes here and there, but I was going to clean that up later. I was also going to clean up Sora's inevitably. Mom would ground us both until his side was clean. And he paid me. Cash is always nice, but that's not the satisfaction I got from cleaning his side of the room.
My own happiness came from his smile. Damn, the thought made me feel like a hopeless-romantic! I covered my face with my starred pillow and screamed. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to fall for my own brother? Why not Naminè? I wouldn't mind if I fell for a guy either, I mean Hayner and Axel were pretty hot too, but why for my own brother?
To tell you the truth, before I realized my feelings for Sora, I had a thing for Naminè and she had a thing for me. We tried our best at a relationship, but she noticed the spacey emotion that I gave off whenever I was around her. We had a mutual agreement to break it off and we've been best friends ever since.
Shortly after, I did grasp my own intention for that semi-younger brother of mine. I started having these weird fantasies at first. It started as kissing and tight embraces. We exchanged "I love yous" but that was the start of it. Then I started having dreams… about me and Sora really going at it.
Going at it like Sora and Kairi must be doing now.
Yeah, they have sex. They started a few months ago. Mom and Dad know. Her parents know. They have birth control.
Let me tell you, it's not fun walking in on those two. My. Eyes.
See me? I'm still a virgin. And why? Because I have a brother complex. A bad one.
I decide to play video games and I slip off of my bed. Procrastinating on homework wasn't that bad, was it?
I plugged in my Gamecube and put in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Yeah, it's outdated software. Yeah I have a Wii. Yeah, I have Super Smash Bros. Brawl. So what? I like old fashion. Sora liked the new stuff.
I played solo for a while. I don't know how long, but it was long. I got bored and was about to change games and stations to Final Fantasy and the Playstation 2 when Sora came in.
"Wanna play, bro?" I asked without looking at him. He sat on his blue beanbag chair as I removed myself from my green one. I took it as a yes when he grabbed the second controller.
I restarted the system and sat back down. I switched to two-player mode and we started fighting. Me with Zelda, Sora with Kirby.
Yeah, I played a girl. So what? She kicked major ass. She can use magic and turn into Sheik. Kirby wasn't a bad choice for Sora. Kirby could suck up the enemy and gain their power. Not to say he didn't have power of his own.
I TKOed my younger twin, but didn't celebrate. I wasn't the one to even whisper a hissing "Yesss" when I beat someone. I really could care less if I win or lose, as long as I earned new things in the game. When you cover that stupid map-board with those retarded statues, you beat the game. We had two more to go.
Sora didn't whine. Sora didn't groan. Sora didn't pout. Something was wrong with Sora. I faced my twin to look into those blue-blue eyes that held little depth and noticed that they looked almost dead.
"You okay, Sora?" I asked. Sora shook his head. The honest one. Always. I was the liar. A big one at that. I continued my investigation. "What's wrong?"
"Kairi broke up with me today…." His voice was cracking. Oh God, he was going to cry.
"Why?" I asked. If she didn't have a good reason, I was going to freaking scalp that red hair off of her pretty little head.
Sora shook his head once again. Those blue eyes were covered by that spiky brown hair of his. I knew this gesture well. He wanted to hide his tears. "I don't know. She didn't tell me. Well, she did… but it didn't make any sense…. Roxas, I think I did something bad to her. I think I hurt her really bad."
She's the one that broke up with him and he hurt her? What the hell! But, I couldn't do anything now. I smiled softly at my brother and he leaned his head on my shoulder. I embraced the boy warmly. I didn't want him to hurt anymore. I wanted to take away his pain.
I pet Sora's hair comfortingly, shushing him and telling him it'll be alright. He didn't deny my lies and he didn't push me away.
Sora and I were always close. When we were younger we would sleep in the same bed, we would share the same seat at the table, and we would do everything together. Mom even told us of an event that took place when we were about three years old. Brace yourself: We got married. Mom was laughing when she told the two of us this, but Sora and I had looks of horror on our faces. Mom said that many children did that if they were close. They would say they were married and that would be the end.
But, Mom and Dad found it strange how Sora and I got along so well. We barely fought and Sora always found a way to resolve the situation if an issue occurred. Sora was like that. He hated fights (except if it was sparing or video gaming, but that's beside the point).
There was a knock at the door. Dear Mother opened the door without a response from either of us.
"Boys, time for dinner." She announced, but then stopped. "What's wrong Sora?"
"Kairi broke up with him." I replied for him. His hot tears were soaking through my shirt, but did I care? Not if it gave me a chance to hold him.
"Really?" Mom was genuinely concerned. "Why?"
"Search me," I shrugged. Sora grabbed at my shirt and brought me closer. This wasn't awkward at all. It was just a brother comforting a brother. Then why did I feel the need to comfort him with a kiss? Oh God, ugly animal, please stay down! I can't have you showing up just when Mom and Sora are in the room! Didn't we agree that you would come out when I was alone?
I ruffled the brunette's hair and looked up at Mom. "We'll be down in a minute. I promise." She nodded and said something about making cookies after dinner before closing the door. I let out a sigh and buried my head in Sora's spiked hair. I silently brushed my lips against his scalp. There? Is that good enough for you, you ugly incestual animal?
Sora cried for a long time. I wasn't sure when, but Dad told us it was late. I noticed the darkness behind the closed curtains. Damn, I didn't even realize I was hungry until now.
I looked down at the fragile boy in my arms. He had fallen asleep. I sighed in annoyance for Dad's sake. Dad offered to put him in his bed, but I got it. I told him I carried him upstairs after a horror-movie marathon the tube was playing the other weekend. I told him I could manage a few feet. Truth is I didn't want to let go of him. I stood up and picked the brunette up off of the bean-bag. I placed him in his bed, pulled off his shoes, and threw the quilt over him.
"Want something to eat, kiddo?" Dad asked as he ruffled his own blonde hair. That's where I got mine from. His hair was spiky: The two of us inherited that too. Mom had brown hair and a pale complexion. Sora inherited her looks including those soft feature and those pouting lips…. Get a hold of yourself, Roxas.
"Sure," I stretched and followed Dad downstairs. I sat in a chair and dad gave me a meal that was obviously nuked. The steam rose off of the steak and veggies. The plate was hot. I grimaced as the medium-rare goodness turned well-done.
"You boys didn't come down for dinner. This is what you get, Rox." Dad chuckled as he gave me a sharp pat on the back.
"Yeah, Dad. I hear ya." I ate my meal and washed my dishes. Everyone was responsible for their own mess. Except in Sora's case. I'd do anything for him.
I grabbed some of Mom's Feel-Better-Sora cookies, climbed the stairs and went to bed. I wasn't in the mood to do homework. I didn't like seeing Sora as sad as he was.
In the morning, Mom woke us up for school, as usual. I took a shower and went back to our room to change. Sora was still in bed. I rolled my eyes and sat on the edge of his bed.
"Wake up, bozo." He looked at me with dark eyes and shook his head. "Why?"
"Kairi." He said before turning away from me. I rubbed the back of my head in distress.
"Alright, listen up. You skip out today. I'll find out why Kairi dumped you. Okay? If it's a bad reason, I'll convince her to take it back." That hurt. Real bad. I clutched my chest and hid the pain in my face by shaking out my wet hair.
"You'll do that for me?" Sora replied, hopeful. That was the Sora I loved so much.
"Yeah," I gave him an assuring smile, "Duh."
"Thanks Roxas. You're the best." Sora leaned forward and hugged me tightly around the waist. His face was close to a sensitive area. I pushed him off playfully and stood up to dress. I winked and stuck my tongue out at him.
At school, I met up with Naminè. She wore a white blouse and jeans today. Her accessories were innumerable. I had watched her grow through the years from sweet and innocent Blondie to punked out scheming bitch. Life changes somuch in five years. Well, I knew Kairi and Naminè my entire life but Naminè's transformation started just five years ago when she got her ears pierces with skull earrings. They weren't the normal first holes either. Naminè had a third piercing in her ear with that one. Well, now she had earrings going all up and around her pale ears. She even started a gauge in her first holes.
"What's new, chicky?" I asked as we stepped into English class together.
"Look what I got. I finally convinced Mom to let me get it." The girl lifted her white blouse and black camisole to reveal a pierced navel. "Awesome, right?" The decorations were simple. A metal bar going through two holes. The bars had safety catches that were rainbow.
"Yeah, how'd you bribe them?" I asked, curious.
"I told them, 'Well, you guys let Kairi have sex, why won't you let me get my belly-button pierced? Isn't a possible baby worse then a piercing?' Because, you know I'm a virgin and they just sighed. Mom took me to a tattoo parlor that we trusted and the head guy pierced me. Mom said for staying chaste, she's gonna let me get a tattoo for my next birthday. She said whatever I wanted. As long as I didn't 'make-love.'" People get the wrong impression of Naminè. They think she quiet and soft-spoken when really she a big talker. She never shuts up when you get her started.
"What, did you turn gay on me?" I asked, referring to the piercing she got. Of course, I said that in all mockery. I smirked at her, holding back a chuckle.
"No, I'm the same as you." Bi. Naminè had just declared to me that she was bisexual. Well, that's what I told her I was. I could never tell her, even if she was my best friend, that I loved my brother.
"Since I have grown an attraction to Olette," Oh dear God. I slapped my forehead as the teacher started class. I couldn't believe she could say that so straightforward, so outright, so fearless. I think that's the reason I fell for her back then. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind.
I whispered to her, "I have to talk to you about something during lunch." She nodded in agreement to me with a small smile. It was a date.
Of course, I bullshitted my way out of my absent homework to all of my teachers. Lunch took so much longer to come around than I'd hoped. God, school was unbearable. Good thing I had some good friends like Hayner, Pence, Olette, Naminè and Axel. We'd pass notes and play Chinese football in study hall. They helped me get by, like that Beatles song.
At lunch, Naminè was the only friend in that period with me. We wouldn't be interrupted by Axel being an ass or Hayner's video game obsession. Naminè shared a table to ourselves and we sat next to each other. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone got the wrong impression of us. They probably did. I sat next to the small blonde and ate pizza while she ate a salad. She was a vegan. How she ate some of the crap she eats, I'll never know.
"What did you want to talk about?" the girl asked. I chewed my pizza thoughtfully, wondering if she would tell me if I asked her. I knew Kairi wouldn't. We weren't the best of friends. She never liked me.
"Did… did Kairi tell you why she broke up with Sora?" I asked after I swallowed my pizza. She wasn't taken aback. Actually, it seemed she was anticipating it. "I know you don't like gossip, but she really hurt Sora. And he doesn't even know why."
Naminè set her fork down and sat up straight. She wasn't laughing. She wasn't excited. She wasn't upset. She looked… disturbed.
"Well… he hurt her. He can't remember it, but he hurt her badly."
"Why can't he remember?" I asked. I furrowed my brow. Sora hurt Kairi? How?
"Kairi told me… she used to talk about her sex life all the time. And she told me Sora usually doesn't remember what happens after he… you know." Comes. I nodded my head to tell her I understood. I waited for her to continue. "And… um… you know you say the name of the person you fuck, right?" She was so crude…. But, I nodded again. I wanted her to get to the point. "Er… well… uh… he didn't say Kairi's name."
…That's it? "So? He didn't say anything. So what?" I was getting mad. Kairi was going to get hurt… real soon.
"No. He said someone's name alright," She shook her head, almost disgusted.
"He said the name of another girl?" As far as I knew, Sora was straight as a pole. She shook her head. That raised my eyebrows. "A guy?" She shrugged.
"Sorta… he… um…" Naminè obviously didn't want to say, but she made it clear I had to know. She wouldn't tell me about her sister's love-life if it wasn't of any importance to me.
"What did he say, Naminè?" I nearly demanded. My fist was clenched and my temper was rising. If she didn't tell me soon, I was going to blow.
"He… Sora… he…" She took a deep breath and slammed her hand on the table, looking at her food. "He said your name, Roxas."
"W-What?" My heart skipped a beat. He was making-love to Kairi, but he said my name?
"He's got a brother complex, Roxas. It freaked Kairi out and she didn't want it to happen again." Naminè explained, holding back hysterics. "She loves him, but she's scared. She doesn't want that to happen again… I mean, if my lover said their sibling's name, I'd be anxious too. It's not something normal, Roxas!"
I held my head. Not in disgust like most people would think, but in disbelief. "This happened… once?" I asked. I don't know why I asked that, but the question left my lips.
My breath hitched. Sorta cried my name twice? I stood up from the table and told her I was going to the bathroom.
"Don't tell Sora!" She begged, grabbing my hand as I was about to leave.
"You think I'm stupid enough to do that?" I asked. The question wasn't an angry one, but more like a compassionate one. I couldn't get mad at Naminè for something she didn't understand… some I didn't understand.
I entered the bathroom and took out my cell phone. I turned it on and went into the stall farthest from the door. I called my house and head Mom pick up.
"Hello?"she answered in her sing-songish way. That was the way she answered the phone. Lucky me, I got the habit from her (note the sarcasm).
"Hey, Mom, let me talk to Sora."
"Sure thing, sweetie," there was static and a clacking noise. Some noised were quite indescribable as I heard footsteps going up the hard-wood stairs. Mom was a stay-at-home-mom. She worked on the computer at home for some internet company. Sora got her awesome technologic intelligence.
My mother was very different than most moms. My mother would get us the latest video gaming consoles before they even came out. We even had beta-tested a lot of games that weren't even on the market. Mom also was cool about us skipping school. I would have skipped out today too if I didn't have this freaking absentee thing on my record. If I was absent one more time in that school, I'd go to court. Sora was a good-boy. He only skipped out if he needed to or if he was truly sick.
"Sora, Roxas wants to talk to you,"Mom's voice was received again. I heard a groan and bedsprings as Sora grabbed the phone. "What's up?"
"I found out why Kairi deserted you." I said in mock sorrow.
"Really?" That got his attention. He seemed excited.
"It was a good reason."
"What was the reason?"Sora couldn't know… never ever.
"I'll talk to you about it when I get home."
Sora groaned. "Skip your classes and come home!" He whined. I so desperately wanted to give in to his demands. But I couldn't. And I told him that. He whined and begged some more. The cute sonuva bitch.
"No, and that's final! If you call me in class, I'm going to kick your ass!"
"Hey, that rhymed." Why did he point that out? Whatever. "Was Kairi in school today?" Sora then asked.
"No. Good bye." I said curtly and snapped my phone shut. The bastard still had his mind on Kairi. He needs to get over her, quickly.
I exited the bathroom and who's standing outside waiting for me? Naminè, that's who. Her arms were folded over her chest and she was glaring at me. She heard me and was pissed I bet. But, she had the wrong impression.
"I heard you, Roxas." She said pointedly. "I thought you said you weren't going to tell him."
"I'm not. I said I'm going to talk to him about it, not tell him why." I grumbled. She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look her in the eye. My blue eyes into hers. Her glower and my utterly-annoyed scowl.
"I told you that in complete confidence, Roxas. I told you about Sora so that you know what's wrong with him… so that you can help him. Kairi made me swear not to tell anyone, Roxas. Not even you. But…" her eyes were welling with tears. She was really passionate about this… it was tearing her apart. "I told you so that you know what's going on in that head of your oblivious brother. Roxas, I don't want you to tell anyone, promise me?"
"I swear to God, Naminè." I told her, hugging her. "If I had a bible, I'd swear on it. I won't tell a soul." I let go of her and brushed away her tears. She giggled and nodded. She muttered a thanks and that's when we heard the bell. We hurried off to our next class, chuckling all the while.
At home, I threw my backpack in the mud room and ate some rock-hard Feel-Better-Sora cookies. They still tasted excellent, though. I still couldn't believe Mom baked an entire batch of cookies for Sora. He didn't even touch one. I know Dad snuck some last night, even though Mom's trying to keep him on a diet. I ate, like, half of the batch. I stole some more, greeted Mom in her office, and then went back to my room. I closed the door behind me.
"Keep it open," Sora grumbled into his pillow.
"No." I said defiantly. Sora and I were completely opposite in everything. He liked the door open, I liked it closed. He liked his room messy; I was getting close to being a neat-freak. Sora loved new games, I loved old-school. He wore dark colors, I wore bright. He had a sunny outlook on the world, and mine was pitch black. He was an optimist, I was a pessimist.
Twins my ass.
"Okay, then tell me what you found out." Sora sat up. His hair was messy to start with, but this was just ridiculous. His hair was defying gravity now and I was beginning to fear it would stay that way.
"No." I repeated the word in the same way I had said it the first time. I sat on my bed and stared at the boy intently. He gave me the cutest glare he'd ever given to me. I wanted to kiss him—damn! That animal was back! I thought he forgot about me… but he was back. Fuck!
I held down that animal. He wasn't allowed to come out. Ever. I stood my ground against him and Sora.
"Why not?!" Sora stood up and glowered at me the same way that Naminè had, only he was a billion times cuter than her.
Speaking of her… "I promised Naminè." I folded my arms as if that closed the argument. "Just trust me when I say it was an excellent reason. You don't remember it, and Kairi knows that. Don't think about it, you'll hurt yourself."
Sora's face burned. Stay calm, Roxas. It's a natural reaction to anger. But he looked so… STAY OUT OF MY HEAD!
My internal argument must have betrayed itself on my face because Sora softened.
"Alright… if you can't tell me… that's alright. You want to though, don't you Roxas?" He sat next to me.
The truth? YES! I wanted nothing more than to tell my brother the truth. But that wouldn't be moral… not in the least.
"I'd like to, but, no dice." I blew a playful raspberry in his face and shoved my pillow at him. I could see past his offenses. After all, they really weren't that good. He was putting me through the guilt trip.
"Roxas!" He took the pillow I shoved at him and hit me over the head with it. "Tell me, damn it!"
I dodged, darted to his bed, stole his pillow, and WHAM! I hit him across the head. "I can't tell you! If you really want to know, bug Kairi yourself!"
We were acting like ten-year-olds again. Two seventeen-year-olds were acting seven years too young for their age. It was fun, though, I had to admit that. Until Sora tackled me onto my bed and smirked as he loomed over me.
Fuck. This won't end up good—no! I had to let the playing continue. It was nothing more than a ruse for him. He was going to try to pry it out of me from this position and I wasn't going to give in! I was made of iron! I was hard as steel! I'm as unbreakable as a diamond! ...Right?
Sora straddled my stomach with my arms pinned above my head with one of his hands and he smirked evilly. I think I stopped breathing… I was beginning to feel dizzy.
"Ha! Got you!" Sora cackled maliciously. He was dominant. I was wondering how dominant he would be in bed—I told you to stay out! AGH!
"Yeah, you got me. Now what are you going to do with me?" I scowled at him with an annoyed pout. Playing had to continue.
He stopped and thought for a moment. His face fell from scheming into an embarrassed, clueless expression. Damn, he just had to be charming, didn't he?
"To tell you the truth, I don't know." He admitted. He was honest, I'd give him that. He hummed as he thought. I guess my game made him forget about Kairi for now. Hopefully I cheered him up. That was what I was going for. "Maybe I'll try to get into your head. I feel like I don't know you anymore, Roxas."
Oh… shit. "Well of course you don't. You spent all of your time with—" I stopped myself. Couldn't say her name or else Sora would sink back into a depression again. Must keep his mind off of her.
"Kairi, right." Sora looked at me considerately. "I've been neglecting you, isn't it? I don't know much about you. You never talk to me about your problems anymore, Roxas. You talk to Naminè, though, right? Or Axel? I know you and Axel are close."
I turned away from him, scowling at the closed door. "No one can help me with my problem." It was true.
"That's not true!" Sora forced me to face him. I held back the urge to kiss him. "If you tell me, maybe I can help! You've been great for me today, Roxas. I want to help you!"
"No!" I wiggled my hands out of his grip and pushed him back. "No one can help me!" I closed my eyes tightly, trying to concentrate on Sora and on the animal at the same time. The animal was gaining strength. It was getting harder to fight. I bit my lip to keep myself from talking to Sora.
"Is it relationship problems, Roxas?" He was trying to force me to look at him again by grabbing my shoulders. I was shrugging him off each time he touched me. Every place he touched felt like little fires. He was making my body feel hot.
"No, I broke up with Naminè ages ago, remember? I'm a raging single."
"Are you having sexuality problems?"
"No! I'm bisexual, Sora!" I never told him that. I felt him stiffen quickly, but relax just as swiftly.
"That's great that you found that out! I'm happy for you bro! No worries, I won't tell the 'rents." Our parents were homophobic freaks, just so you know. Sora lightened up on the forcing until I just had to open my mouth.
"I found out last year. That's not my problem."
"Then what is it?" He was practically lying on top of me. This wasn't good at all. The animal was starting to overpower me. I turned away from my twin and yelled at him.
"I'm not telling you!" I sounded like a child, but what was I to do? The animal was almost out of the cage. How did this turn from Sora's problem to mine?
"Do you like someone? Are you afraid they won't like you back?" Sora was pressing it. No, not pressing, pushing. He was pushing me, trying to find my limit.
"Yes." Damn it! I clapped my hands over my mouth and turned my back to him. My face was in my mattress, my sheets becoming undone from our horseplay.
"Really?" Sora jumped on me, getting excited. He climbed higher up my body. "Who?"
I shook my head furiously. Yeah, I said "you" but it was muffled by my hands and the mattress.
"Who? Who?" he didn't hear me, thank GOD! "Do I know them? Is it Axel? I bet it's Axel!" He sounded so proud of himself.
I shook my head again. He was going to be the death of me. My heart was beating furiously. The animal had found the lock on the cage and started picking it. He was a good lock-pick too. I could tell.
"Do I know them?"
"Yes!" My head moved away from my mouth as I blurted out the word. Sora took advantage of me and managed to flip me on my back to face him. I gave him a bold glare. He wouldn't get it out of me without a good fight.
"I bet it's Hayner! Am I right?" Why was he only guessing the guys? Was it because of my confession just two minutes ago?
"No, it's not Hayner."
The animal escaped. Sora had kept me distracted long enough that it was able to break free. I closed my eyes tightly and pushed myself up. As he was about to complete a sentence, if he didn't, my lips found his.
My heart was beating wildly. I waited for his reaction. Why wasn't he reacting? My lips were on his for a long time. I finally broke free, not looking at him. My eyes were squeezed shut as I rolled away from him onto the floor.
My face burned. My face never burned. I never blush, flush, or go red. Not even when I first kissed Naminè. Not in my first kiss with anyone. But here I was, red as a tomato.
At that moment, Mom decided to enter. She knocked and entered as usual. She didn't wait for a response, as usual. I guess it was just her way of announcing she was coming in. Like a warning.
She dropped a basket of clean clothing in the middle of the floor, and then looked at the both of us.
"What are you boys doing?" she asked.
"Nothing." I quickly said. "Absolutely nothing."
"Alright… I'm going to the store. Don't get into too much trouble until I come back, alright?"
"Right…" I sighed and looked at the tan carpeting. I pulled at it until she left. I waited for a response from Sora. Never got one. He didn't even tell Mom at that moment that I kissed him. Maybe he was in shock? Yeah, that was it! He was in shock!
"Sorry… Sora… I…" I lost words. That was all I could think to say to my twin. I felt my eyes burning they felt dry, but my vision blurred. I covered my face, ashamed to look at him.
"You like…" His voice was low and husky. It wasn't anything like I've ever heard from him before.
"Yeah Sora… I like you." No. "Actually, that's an understatement. I love you with all of my being, Sora. You can tell Mom and Dad if you want to. They'll send me away." My voice was breaking. "They'll send me away for this disease… this illness." A sob escaped me. When had I started crying? Last time I cried… I can't remember the last time I cried. "This animal inside of me! They'll make sure it dies, Sora. You won't have to see me again… ever… ever…. I promise."
I heard him stand up and I saw him moving towards the door. He opened and closed it behind him as he left me. For all I knew, it could have been the last time I saw him. I ran behind him and hit my body to the door. I locked it and slip to the floor, sobbing. I was crying harder than Sora had last night.
That damn animal… he made me lose it! He's the reason I'm even in this position! I run my hands through my hair and allow myself to break down. I allow myself for show my weakness. Why not? I've already exposed my deepest darkest secret. This was going to be the end of me. This was going to be the end of me being with Sora as a brother.
I'm not sure how long I sat there. Before I knew it, there was knocking on the door, shouting for me to open up and get ready for school from Mom. I felt groggy as I stood up. I get dressed and ready. My back was killing me.
When I was ready, I popped some Advil and made my way to the car. Sora and Mom were already waiting for me. Sora was shotgun while Mom drove. She always drove us to school. I sat in the back seat with my backpack and stared at the ceiling. My mind was in a haze and I felt dead. My brother was… my brother. He was happy and bubbly. Did he already get over Kairi? Didn't he care about yesterday? Maybe he didn't tell Mom yet.
Sora babbled on to our mother as I just stared at the ceiling. It wasn't abnormal for me to be quiet. In fact, if I was talkative, it was weird. That just gave me a good reason to keep my mouth shut.
School was my time to play pretend, like I was a kid again. I pretended I was alright. I pretended nothing happened. I pretended I didn't like my brother in that way. I pretended I didn't have an animal to fight with ever moment of the day. I pretended I was… normal.
No one suspected a thing.
This went on for weeks… I'm not sure how long, actually. It went on for a very long time. Everyday something in me hurt… something got heavier, something was very painful.
My family worried.
Like I care. When Sora finally decides to tell them, they won't worry. They'll send me away.
Everyday, I'd lock myself in my room or our bathroom. Sora and I had a bathroom that connected to our room. During the nights, I'd sleep in the bathtub. Sora would have the room to himself.
I'd stay awake for hours, thinking about what I've done.
Slowly, Sora got over Kairi. The two of them were good friends now.
Slowly, I felt helpless. I needed a way out.
One night, I snuck out of my sanctuary and sat on my bed, staring at Sora who was sleeping in his bed. I glanced at the clock and found it was almost midnight. I shook the boy awake gently. He looked at me with bleary eyes and blinked away the sleep.
"Roxas? What's up?" he asked as he yawned widely. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, looking at the digital clock that glowed so brightly.
"Why… why haven't you told Mom and Dad what I did?" I asked, looking down at my fidgeting hands.
"Hmm?" He seemed to have to recall it. "Oh, that." The brunette leaned against his head post and thought before replying, "I guess I can't blame you for who you love. You can't always choose who you love, y'know?"
How did he get so deep? When did he get so deep?
"Why haven't you talked to me since then, Rox?" I looked at him with watery eyes and hastily wiped away the wet.
"I thought you were afraid of me. I thought you would think I was disgusting. Well, I am… I know I am… loving your brother? Ha, what a joke I am…. Just tell Mom and Dad and get it over with… please?" I hugged my knees and stared at him. I pleaded with him, but he stood his ground.
"No." Stubborn little bitch….
I sighed and unfolded myself. Maybe this was better. A relief. I could talk to someone who may not understand, but won't think of me any less.
"Roxas, understand this. No one can help who they love. It's an emotion tossed around like a hacky-sack but is so rare that it comes once in a life-time. Love is taken too lightly in this day-of-age. But you… Roxas, your love is pure. Because you love your brother, you realize that love is real. You're so lucky." Sora smiled at me. He smiled that smile that I love so much.
I hesitantly stood up.
"Thanks, Sora." Maybe I wasn't hopeless. It felt good to be able to talk to someone about this. Someone who didn't think I was disgusting, but thought I was pure. I wanted to cry with happiness, but I didn't.
"You aren't going back into the bathroom, are you?" I stopped in my tracks and stared at him. He chuckled and opened his arms to me. "C'mere."
I cautiously sat down next to him and embraced him. I breathed in his scent and felt my heart flutter. He didn't care I loved him.
"Roxas, even though I can't return your feelings, just know I'm here, alright? You can talk to me. About anything."
That tore my heart in two, but I couldn't let it ruin this moment. I nodded and snuggled into his chest. He smelled of maple syrup for some reason.
Sora was acting so strange tonight. Maybe because of the time or the method of rousing him. He was very deep, maybe a little too deep. Kairi must have done that to him. Maybe he was only stupid because of Kairi. Who knows?
"Roxas, what would happen if I tell Mom and Dad about what happened?"
Should I tell him or should I not tell him? I'll tell him.
"Sora… a lot of things would happen. First, I'd get 'help' from Mom and Dad. Then I'd be sent away from you, maybe to an institute for mental illnesses. Then… I'd feel very lonely. I'd miss you—"
"I'd miss you too, Roxas." I smiled into his shirt.
"I'd miss you so much… I'd probably die."
We were silent for a while before I sat up and looked him in the eye. I wasn't going to regret what I said next.
"Sora, can I kiss you again?"
He blinked and I saw that naïve brother shine through those eyes. Those eyes that weren't so different from my own. In fact, they were a mirror.
He contemplated the answer before he gave it to me. His response took me by surprise.
I didn't vacillate as I pressed my lips onto his. I was afraid he might reject me as soon as he said it with second thoughts. I supported myself on his headboard with both arms on either side of him. Uh-oh, he was moving. Wait, what? He tilted his head into it? Sora was kissing me back?! Kissing his disgusting brother?!
I needed to breathe. I needed oxygen. I opened my mouth, huffing out onto Sora's lips that were about a centimeter away from my own. I licked my lips, brushing my tongue against Sora's. He tasted like he smelled: Like maple syrup. I chuckled and stated that he had pancakes instead of pizza that night. It was a Friday night, we always ordered pizza.
He confirmed my statement.
I pushed my lips on his once more, this time I ran my tongue along the inside lining of his lips. He gave a pleasurable reply that went by unnoticed by him. A nice… low… moan.
I deepened our kiss as our tongues wrestled for dominance. I straddled his hips and grabbed the back of his hair, forcing myself upon him. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt his want, his need, his desire. He needed me as much as I needed him.
We finally broke apart. We panted into each other's faces, eyes burning with passion. He desire was beautiful.
"What would happen," Pant. Pant. "If Mom and Dad," Pant. Pant. "Found out about this?"
I caught my breath before answering. "They would separate us. We'd be sent to different schools, different cities, different countries maybe. We won't be able to see each other. Ever. We wouldn't be able to talk to each other. We would never be able to hold each other. Our lives would change for the worst… well for me it would anyway."
"You gave this a lot of thought, didn't you?"
I nodded. "That's not all. Sora, I'd suffocate without you. If I couldn't be with you, then I'd die. I would meet you whenever you joined me in hell. I love you, Sora."
"Hell?" Sora repeated.
I confirmed. "Hell. Sora, incest is the worst sin against God. God doesn't approve of homosexuality or incest. We're committing both right now. We'll both go to hell unless we stop this right now and beg for forgiveness."
We were born Catholic, baptized Catholic, and raised Catholic. I had to throw away my religion to feel the love I feel towards Sora.
I searched the boy's eyes, looking for the emotion. He was thinking about what I said and maybe even rejecting the idea of us.
He finally gazed into my eyes and said with obvious defiance. "I love you too, Roxas. I'll meet you in hell, where we will always be together."
I wanted to cry, but I kissed him instead. I kissed him. I rubbed against him. I touched him. He gasped as I grabbed him. He was hard. No one will know the joy I felt that night except for Sora.
I pulled off the cotton shirt he slept in and recaptured his mouth. I explored his body with a single hand as I continued to touch the fabric that held his manhood. His moan of pleasure was cracked as he tried to stay silent.
That right. We had to stay quiet or our dear parents would know what we were up to. That wouldn't be good if they found out.
But I wanted to hear him.
I wanted to hear his moaning.
I wanted to hear his groaning.
I wanted to hear him scream my name.
I wanted to hear his sighing.
I wanted to hear everything that night.
"Sora," I breathed as he pulled off my shirt as well. There were still too many obstacles. Too many clothes.
I threw the quilt off of my brother and tugged at the drawstring on the plaid cotton pants. He responded by unbuttoning my jeans. We were going to go all the way tonight.
With that, our clothes were off. I looked over the body that was growing goose-bumps. I bit my lip as my gaze fell to his member.
Sora and I looked exactly alike. Our only difference was that I had blonde hair. We had the same body shape and size. We could very well be considered twins because we had the same size lengths as well—fully erected. I smiled at my brother before licking my lips and kissing him again.
He managed to break the kiss. I stared at him, curious. He pushed me away and kicked me to the floor. Had he finally come to his senses? No, he jumped on me as soon as I rolled on my back. He claimed my lips. No way, man. I wrestled him and pinned him underneath me. I was stronger. I was dominant. I made that very clear to him.
That's when we heard something moving outside of our door. We stopped breathing and looked up. Shit, the door was unlocked! I grit my teeth, hoping no one would enter. No one should enter. It was almost one o'clock in the fucking morning! Why would anyone come in?!
I saw the light turn off from beneath the door that led to the hallway. Across that hallway was our parents' bedroom. I heard the door open and close. I breathed out a sigh of relief. Sora was sweating, too. Maybe for a different reason.
"That was close," Sora whispered. We were both still terrified someone heard us… or would hear us. I pressed a finger to my lips signaling silence. Another night would have been the perfect time for this…. I wish it was that one night once a month that our parents went out to eat together and party. They usually spend all night out, sometimes not coming home until the crack of dawn. It was their "alone time" they called it. They did need a break from two restless teenage boys.
We weren't going to get any rest tonight.
Sora threw his head back as I grabbed him again. He tried to stifle a moan as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Sora grabbed the quilt that was sprawled next to him and shoved a corner into his mouth to muffle his voice which would have been very loud if he let it out. I held back laughter as I kissed his forehead.
"You look so ridiculous." I told him without sugar-coating my statement. I clambered over him and opened the side table drawer. I furrowed my brow as I searched blindly with my hand. Every time I thought I had it, I would raise my hand, only to have to drop it again. After a while, I found it: Lotion. Sora and I had our own bottles. Puberty was a cruel, cruel thing.
I felt my own pleasure rising in my throat from my lack of attention, but I wasn't in it for me tonight. I bit my lip and stifled my moan. Oh God, this was painful.
I coated my fingers with the lotion and grimaced at him. I asked him if he was really okay with this. His response sent shivers down my spine. I stuck two fingers into him and he hissed into my ear. I promised him everything would be alright. I, myself, wasn't sure if it was truth or lies.
Lies always came second nature to me. I never could tell if it was the truth or a lie.
Finger twist and split. I learned that from Cute Is What We Aim For. It gave me everything I had to prevent myself from coming at that moment… from Sora's reaction. His eyes rolled in their sockets, his eyelashes fluttered, his throat made the most pleasant sound my ears have ever heard. I thought this would be painful… but he seemed to be enjoying this. I grinned at him, surprised at his pleasure. Painful-bliss. This must be what that saying means… painful-bliss for my Sora.
I like the sound of that: My Sora. My Sora. My Sora.
"My Roxas," Sora whispered after removing the quilt from his mouth. He placed a hand on my cheek and repeated himself. "My Roxas."
This is why we were twins. It was almost like we could tap into each other's minds and no one could love us like we loved each other at that moment. Because we were twins, we could love each other like no one else could love each other. But, I could be getting ahead of myself. Maybe I was just allowing myself to dream. Sora might just be humoring me… like he was when he let me kiss him. Humor… funny. No—I couldn't let myself think like that! Not when we both were so close to total completion.
"Sora," I captured his mouth to muffle his moan as I inserted another finger. On my cheek I felt something wet. Sora was crying from the pain. I let go of him and looked into those blurred, streaming eyes. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, just do it." He said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "I want to. I love you, Roxas."
When I thought he was ready, I entered him. His eyes clamped shut and he clenched my hair in his fingers painfully. He croaked and curled his toes. His body was tense. I could see every muscle, every blemish, every contusion and bump. He was perfect. Lightly toned from those Struggle matches and sparring matches with Riku. He was strong, I'd give him that.
As he, in turn, became comfortable with me inside of him I realized something…. That animal? The one I thought was so very evil and was a huge burden? Yeah, that one. I finally saw what it looked like. As I looked into Sora's hazy, lustful eyes I could see my reflection in them. I could also see that animal. The animal had spiky blonde hair and deep blue eyes. His features were slightly paled and flawless. This was the animal I've become. The animal was myself.
The passion between my brother and myself that night was unspeakable. We were careful to stay silent, although it was probably the hardest thing we both had to do. As we finished, I removed myself from him, breathing heavily. We were both sticky and coated with white seed. I chuckled breathlessly and looked into my brother's eyes only to find he was sleeping. My mouth dropped and I climbed off of him.
That must be why he doesn't remember anything after sex! He passes out! Naminè didn't tell me that…. I rolled my eyes at the thought. Naminè wouldn't tell me that. Kairi wouldn't tell Naminè that. I had to hold back laughter and relief to prevent any hints.
I was tired. I went to the bathroom, grabbed a roll of toilet paper, cleaned up our mess, dressed Sora, dragged him to bed, got dressed, and finally dropped into my own bed. For the first time in weeks I slept in my own bed. For the first time in weeks, I felt happy. For the first time in weeks I was proud. Nothing could hurt me anymore.
Sora remembered what we did that night, but he doesn't remember the details. Eventually, I told him the gross particulars. He cringed. I asked him why, we did it three more times, and he just said hearing it out loud was disgusting… more so than actually doing it. I laughed.
I trained Sora to stay up. He trained himself to make as little noise as possible. It was funny watching the process. One day, he ran around screaming his head off until he couldn't make a single sound. We, later, found it unnecessary as our parents informed us they were going out. You should have seen Sora's face.
Hmm… it was one of those nights that we were caught, I remember it so clearly. It still hurts to think back at it. We've been at it for about seven months before our parents found out.
Our parents went out and the two of us sat in the living room, pondering where we should explore that night. Sora made a sleazy suggestion that we go into the kitchen with whip cream. I slapped him upside the head for that and told him we weren't shooting a porno video. Sora got excited at the mention, asking if we could videotape it only to receive another slap. Then, I got an idea. I pulled Sora to his feet and dragged him up the staircase into our parents' bathroom.
Our bathroom was messy, dirty, and far from sensual. Their bathroom was need, clean, spotless, and white. Beautiful. We closed the door, despite our parents' absence and knowledge that they wouldn't return until after three in the morning (they told us so). Soon enough, we were naked, in the shower, covered in scented soaps, laughing, moaning, and crying out each other's names.
Through our sin, we never heard the door open twenty minutes later. We never heard the 'rents calling that they were home and forgot something. We never heard them coming up the stairs, calling our names. We never heard their doubtful pause in front of the bathroom door. We never heard the door slowly creak open. Only then did we see out parents horrified faces, looking at their sons and the sin they were willing to commit together. The twins that were so wrapped in their own passion that they didn't even have an explanation for their doings. No lies, no stories, nothing.
Sora and I felt nothing but fear over the next few days as our parents made arrangements to separate us. Sora even covered for me, saying it was an accident that started everything. He never lied once. He always claimed he loved me, he refused to leave me, and he loved me like he loved no other.
During those days, somehow, at school, word had gotten out about us. Of course, our parents came in with us to school one day, but we didn't even accompany them into the principle's office. We went straight to class. Well, someone overheard it and the leak was so huge… Sora and I were shunned. Naminè… Axel… Hayner… none of them would talk to me. Naminè would give me a look of disgust at the sight of me. Sora had to deal with Riku, his best friend since kindergarten. Riku almost begged that it wasn't true, but Sora, the angel, told him it was. Because… it was. The hottest twins in school… the hottest brothers in school that were only juniors, but seniors looked up to, were fucking each other. The harassment was agonizing.
The night before we were to separate, we made love. It wasn't like the love we made on any other occasion; it was a love that was loud and harsh. This was the punishment for our parents. This is what they were doing to us. It was their fault we had to pain their ears and dig into their very soul with the sounds and motions that we emitted and let ring throughout the house or possibly the whole neighborhood.
The next day, Sora and I threw tantrums; Sora more than myself. We couldn't be separated, not now! Not after everything we've been through! We shouted lies to each other and we screamed our love. Father didn't care as he dragged Sora out the door and into the car. I was stuck with Mother. I rounded her with a snarl with half a mind to punch her before I stormed up to my room and destroyed everything.
My predictions were true. Sora now lived in Maine as I lived in California. I was going to therapists. I told them nothing was wrong with me for loving my brother and they just continued to pry, looking for underlying emotions and shit like that. No.
One day, I e-mailed Sora.
I love you.
I can't bear to be without you.
I can't stand it here.
I can't live anymore.
I'll meet you in hell someday, Sora.
I love you, no matter what they say….
I'll wait for a reply, to just imagine your voice one more time…. I'm going to die.
He replied an hour later with four words.
I'll meet you there.