Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto nor do I want to. Currently am crushing big time with Hidan so I wouldn't mind owning him though he is also not my mine. Sob…
Author's Note: Don't flame me. If you don't like it then don't review me. But if you do like it then by all means, drop me some sugar, baby! :D
The idea of this has been floating around in my mind for a while now. I wanted to write it before I go off to Uni. Anyway, if somebody else has already a fic similar to this, I can assure you that I did not copy it. The idea popped in my head all on its own. Hee…
Hidan and Kakuzu were walking side by side to the place where Kakuzu could collect their bounty. They had been off bounty hunting again (in Hidan's case; sacrificing-hunting) and had earned quite a sum of money. Kakuzu was quite pleased about this but he couldn't help feel irritated with Hidan's whining again. Honestly, that bastard never could shut up!
"Why is that we have to wear these darn cloaks anyway!?" Hidan complained, "It's fucking hot as it is, seriously! I doubt that walking naked would do any difference in this fucking hot weather!"
Kakuzu said nothing to this but inside, he was practically cursing bloody murder for the damn priest to shut the hell up!
"And why the fuck is the cloak black anyway? Don't they know that black absorbs the sun rays like a fucking leech!?" Hidan went on.
"You also realize that we have to walk for miles just to get back to the head quarters!" Hidan muttered; taking off his cloak and tying the sleeves around his waist.
"I just can't figure out why they paired me with a heathen like you," Hidan continued as he wiped a trickle of sweat off his forehead.
"I fucking hate you…You suck like hell, Kakuzu…"
Patience…Ignore him…Be cool and composed like Itachi…Take a deep breath…Keep ignoring him…
"All you ever go on about is money, money, money and stupid shit like jinchuuriki…It's god damn boring!"
Calm down…It's not so hard…Don't listen to the bastard…
"And those creepy tentacles you've got? What's up with that, huh? You know what? You're sick, Kakuzu!"
That's it!! The bastard religious psycho was going to die now! He was just asking for it!
"Hidan, shut the fuck up!!" Kakuzu yelled at the religious man. He brought out his arm and one of his long black tentacles came out and stabbed through the Jashinist's head and went right through.
"Ouch! Shit! That hurts, Kakuzu, god dammit!" Hidan cried out, rubbing his hands at the hole in the side of his head.
"You deserved it, you useless sack of cow shit!" Kakuzu said triumphantly. Sure the religious zealot couldn't die but at least it hurts.
"What the hell was that for, seriously?" Hidan barked. He bent over to look for the salve he had in his pockets. Being a Jashinist means you've got to be prepared for major injuries like mutilation and stuff. Hidan never went anywhere without his trusty jar of healing salve. It helped speed up the healing process at least.
"Oh, this isn't over just yet, you ass!" Kakuzu chuckled evilly, "When we get back at head quarters you're going to wish you were never born!"
"Ewww! Fuck, Kakuzu. I don't swing that way!"
Kakuzu said nothing to this but responded by stabbing Hidan again in the head--this time with two tentacles.
"Owww! Fuck you, Kakuzu!"
Oo OO oO
Back at the Akatsuki head quarters…
"Oh, Jashin-sama, please accept my forgiveness. I promise to rape and kill more virgins to satisfy your thirst for blood, Jashin-sama…"
Hidan was praying at the moment and he had already stabbed himself with the long pike he used during rituals. He was already drenched in his own blood and the whole floor was covered in a pool of the red liquid.
Hidan pushed his upper body in a sitting position and groaned as he felt the pike shift in his chest.
With a grunt he pulled it out of his rib cage. The ritual had gone smoothly. This time he didn't have anyone to sacrifice so he used a fat rat he caught in the kitchen. Sometimes when Hidan got bored, he would also grab an unfortunate servant somewhere in the kitchens and use them as a sacrifice. This usually earned him some disapproving glares from Leader-sama but Zetsu was always happy to eat up the corpse later.
Hidan cleaned himself up from his own blood and put on some pants before he headed once again to the kitchen.
'Time for some sugar now,' Hidan thought happily as he walked out of his room.
He had forgotten everything Kakuzu had done and said earlier that day. You see, Hidan is a simple person. He's not at all difficult to understand. And one of his traits that prove he's a simple man is that he doesn't think much. Hidan sees and hears things but he doesn't linger on it. The only thing he ever really thought about was becoming a Jashinist.
Hidan peered into the refrigerator for his stash of candies. Most people don't know this, but Hidan actually has a fetish for sweet stuff. Something about the loss of blood he experienced after rituals made him crave for sweet stuff. And boy, did Hidan really love the sweet stuff.
"Eh, where the fuck's all my candy?" Hidan asked quietly, pushing a couple of cans of bear out of his way.
"It's…GONE!! NoooooooooOoooo!!" Hidan cried out in despair.
Unbeknownst to the silver haired man, Kakuzu was snickering silently as he watched Hidan trying desperately to look for his bag of sweets.
Strike #1: Hidan's sweets were now taken away.
Ha! Let that stupid asshole suffer from his lack of sugar! That'll teach him not to whine so much!
But it didn't teach Hidan anything. The sweet-deprived, silver-haired priest went on looking for his sweets for hours afterwards.
He never stopped looking for his bag of sweets even after he had questioned just about every single Akatsuki member.
"Have you seen my bag of candies, Itachi?" Hidan asked in worried tones. Where could his sweets have gone to?
Itachi didn't say anything at first but instead raised a perfectly arched eyebrow up.
Hidan turned away from the Sharingan user swiftly and continued his search for his sweets.
"Deidara-chan, you know where my secret stash of sweets are?" Hidan asked the blond bomber as soon as he saw him.
"No, un. Sweets, Hidan?" Deidara grinned mischievously "I didn't even know you ate them, Hidan, un!"
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with eating sweets, ya faggot!"
With that he stomped off in another direction to keep looking for his sweets.
"Did you know Hidan had a stash of sweets hidden, un?" Deidara asked curiously to Itachi.
Hidan went on searching for the object of his desire. His body was already trembling from being deprived of sugar for so long. He always ate something sweet after losing a lot of blood.
Where could it be?
"Need…….some…….chocolate…" Hidan muttered tiredly. His eyes felt so heavy and he was beginning to see everything in a blur…Oh, Jashin-sama, not again….!
Oo OO oO
20 minutes later…
"Hidan, get up, un!" Deidara called.
Hidan groaned and felt his eyes flutter open unwillingly.
"Deidara-chan, where am I?" he croaked.
"Akatsuki head quarters, un! Don't worry, you'll be fine now."
Hidan got up and stared at Deidara. To his shock and embarrassment, the blond was actually shirtless!
"Deidara-chan! Put some clothes on, please!" Hidan screeched loudly, blushing furiously.
"Put on a shirt, Deidara-chan," Hidan cried, both hands covering his face, "You're making me blush!"
"NANI!!" Deidara shouted, "What's wrong with you, Hidan, un? Do you have a fever or something?"
Hidan had his eyes shut tightly and was shaking his head vigorously.
"No, no, no! Don't you know it's not proper to go about without clothes on?"
This proved too much for Deidara to bear. Maybe the blond could have accepted the fact that Hidan had actually used the word 'please' but saying going shirtless was "not proper"?? Now that was just flipping weird!
"Sasori no danna, Itachi, Kisame, everybody!!" Deidara called out as he scurried after his partner.
"Something weird is going on with Hidan here!!"
Reluctantly, every single one of the members of the Akatsuki entered the living room. Sasori looked mildly annoyed at Deidara.
"What is it, brat?" he hissed.
"H-H-Hidan!" Deidara sputtered, "He's not acting himself!"
Everyone looked around the room impatiently.
"Hidan's not here," Itachi stated coldly.
"Eh? Oh, shit! Where did he go, un?"
Suddenly, Kisame's jaw dropped as he stared out the window in shocking disbelief.
"Um, I think I've found him…!"
All of them turned and looked out the window and if it wasn't for the fact that they were all cold, unfeeling, criminals; they would've fainted in shock.
There outside the head quarters, was Hidan, ushering a few of the servants away.
"There, there now, you poor dears!" he said sympathetically to a few old maids, "Don't worry. You are all free to go now! I promise none of us will ever abuse you again!"
The old crones looked at each other briefly and back at Hidan. Then, in less than a second, both ran off as fast as they could.
"Bye bye, my friends!" Hidan cried, waving his arm as they disappeared into the horizon.
"Oh. My. God," Leader whispered, "He just freed two of our servants…Hidan is truly not himself!"
"You said it, Leader-sama," Kisame nodded slowly, still staring at Hidan from out the window.
"What the-? Shit, look, you guys!" Sasori yelped.
"Come here you cute little kittens!" Hidan cooed shamelessly to a bunch of kittens that suddenly came strolling by.
"Tch, tch, tch...there you are, you sweet little balls of fluff!" Hidan smiled as he cuddled a kitten in his arms.
Within less than a second almost every good little things happened to Hidan. A rainbow popped out of nowhere, puppies came scuttling at his feet, and bits of glitters flew about him as if it was some sort holy aura.
"Ack! I can't watch this any more!" Deidara blanched, "Somebody do something, un!"
Kakuzu got up and volunteered.
"I'll go grab that bastard and knock some sense back into him!"
Marching over to a happy, sparkly Hidan, Kakuzu grabbed the once crazy priest by the ear and dragged him back into the building.
"What's wrong with you?" Kakuzu seethed in disgust as Hidan batted his eyelashes at the older man.
"You used to be a sickening, foul-mouthed, blood thirsty freak. What the hell happened to you, man?"
Hidan bowed his head in shame and pouted cutely.
"Those days are over, Kakuzu-san. Now all I want to do is save lots and lots of furry creatures, protect poor defenseless virgins and dance ballet all day long!"
Tobi squealed in delight when he heard the bit about furry creatures. Clapping his hands excitedly, he hugged Hidan tightly.
"Tobi has a friend who cares about cute furry animals!" the masked boy said cheerily, "Tobi is a good boy!"
"Yes, you are, Tobi-chan!" Hidan said softly and he nuzzled his face into the masked boy's hair.
Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Zetsu and Pein shuddered from the sight of Hidan's nuzzling.
"You've gone nuts in the head, Hidan!' Sasori protested, "You hate furry animals and you rape virgins and you most definitely despise ballet!"
Deidara was crying and banging his head on the hard walls by now.
"There's something wrong with him, un!" Deidara wailed, "Something must've happened to him to make him be this way, un!"
Itachi narrowed his eyes as he studied Hidan's smiling features.
"Deidara is right. Something has happened to him to make him behave this way," he said, dead pan.
"Hey, old man, what the fuck did you do to him, huh?" Kisame growled at Kakuzu.
"I only took away his bag of hidden candies…Surely, that couldn't have turned him into a freaking nutcase?"
"You idiot!" Konan screamed, baring her fangs (yes, fangs) at a surprised Kakuzu.
"Hidan needs to eat sweet things or else he snaps and turns into his split personality! It's one of the side effects of being an immortal Jashinist!"
Deidara sniffed at Konan and wiped his tears with the back of his hand.
"How come you know this, un?"
"I…um, well…I just do, okay!?" Konan cried, blushing into her Akatsuki cloak.
Pein/Leader-sama turned and presented Kakuzu with a death glare.
"Return him his sweets, Kakuzu, or you'll find yourself watching six rows of scary movies that are very bad for your hearts!"
Kakuzu paled slightly.
"I err, well, actually, sir…" he mumbled, "I threw them away!"
"You did WHAT!!"
Kakuzu laughed nervously as he pretended to scratch an itch at the back of his head. Shit! How the hell was he supposed to know Hidan had a split personality that only came out when he was being denied sweets?
"Well, you better go buy him some new ones quickly, Kakuzu," Pein said through gritted teeth, "Because if he's not back to the way he was before, I'll kill you!"
Nodding and sighing in relief at being given a chance, Kakuzu rushed out to the nearest candy store, all the while grumbling at having to pay for a bunch of measly sugary stuff.
"There ya go; you pile of pathetic sick shit!" Kakuzu grumbled as he threw Hidan the bag of sweets he had bought.
"Eat the shit already and be done with it! It cost me a quarter for all that candy!"
Hidan eyed Kakuzu disapprovingly.
"Kakuzu, can you please refrain from cursing at people? You are being very rude to me and my pom poms, you know?" Hidan shook his purple and silver pom poms.
"Whatever, you sissy! Just eat the damn sweets already!"
"Okay, okay! No need to get a heart attack there, Kakuzu-san!"
Hidan unwrapped a toffee and popped it in his mouth.
Everyone in the Akatsuki watched in anticipation as Hidan began chewing the sweet in his mouth slowly. Each and every single one of them were holding their breaths in wonder of what might happen next. Was Hidan going to turn back into his normal self?
"Eh?" Hidan said in a tone of surprise. His eyes widened until they resembled saucers.
And then, quick as lightning, Hidan was up; tearing off his cheerleader outfit and was chanting steadily in some kind of weird language.
"Oh ta ta ka, oh ta ta ka, oh ta ta ka…" he went while circling the whole group of speechless Akatsuki members.
And then he leaped up into the air and began screaming at the top of his lungs like a savage.
"Well, that's almost like his usual self, un," Deidara spoke, "But not quite."
Hidan was in the middle of putting war paint on his face when Konan picked up the wrapper of the toffee Hidan had eaten.
"This toffee is sugar-free…" Konan whispered her voice barely audible, "Sugar-free things turns Jashinists into Red-Indian-like people…"
"Y-Y-You got him sugar-free sweets!!" Pein croaked out pathetically.
"Hey, the god damn stuff was the cheapest in the shop, okay!?" Kakuzu said defensively, "They were selling it cheap coz' it was already expired!"
"Y-Y-You…expired…ch-cheap…" Pein said slowly and his face grew redder and redder.
"Darling, calm down," Konan began but Pein didn't listen. He let out something akin to a battle cry and charged at Kakuzu like a battering ram.
As the Akatsuki members watch Pein as he strangled Kakuzu with both hands; they couldn't help but think back on the real issue here.
Hidan was dancing around a small fire in the middle of the living room. Every once in a while he would scream something that sounded like "Choclaires!" and punch a fist in the air.
"So what about Hidan, un?" Deidara asked in a bored voice, "Will he ever be normal again?"