A/N: So this is pretty much the result of boredom

A/N: So this is pretty much the result of boredom. I was listening to "I Kissed a Girl" and I kept thinking about that line about the cherry chapstick and decided to write this little one-shot. It's funny in a crappy sort of way but if you want to read it, you are more than welcome to. Of course, I don't own Life With Derek or cherry chapstick. Oh yeah, Derek does curse and there are some suggestive stuff in here so that's why it's rated "T" - just to be safe. Enjoy!

Cherry Chapstick

I couldn't believe this was happening to me. This couldn't be happening and even if it was happening, it wasn't my fault. It was Casey's fault, Casey's and her damn cherry chapstick. I suppose I should start from the beginning. Yeah, that'd probably be best. Okay, let's rewind to this afternoon, shall we?

Okay, so here we are. It is four in the afternoon and Casey and I just got in from school. I probably shouldn't have made that comment about her not singing along to the radio, but I did. I always say things like that. But anyways, back to what happened.

So Casey storms through the front door, slamming the door nearly in my face without even looking back at me. I barge through the door and toss my leather jacket on one of the coat pegs. She is starting towards the stairs when I stop her.

"Casey!" I shout, "Come on, I didn't mean that."

"Then why'd you say it, Derek?" She demands.

Okay, the chick did have a point. I mean, why had I said that? She hadn't even really been signing, just sort of sighing the words to herself. Me and my stupid mouth! I just had to yell at her to shut up and say that no one wants to hear her sing. It was a lie, of course. She was a great singer. But don't tell anyone I said that, okay.

"Well?" She snaps, interrupting my thoughts.

"Well what?" I ask.

"Well, why'd you say it?"

"Because," I shrug. Yeah, nice going Venturi. Real nice answer.

"A 'because' and a shrug is not an answer!" She shouts.

"Look, I don't know why I said it."

"I know why," she comes towards me and stands on her tiptoes so that her lips are at the level of mine, "Because you are a jerk and I hate you!" And on that note, she turns and hurries upstairs.

So anyways, there I am standing in the middle of the living room in total and utter shock. I know, I know, Derek Venturi, in shock? Yeah, it happens. Just don't let it get around. Anyways, when she was up close to me, I could almost taste her cherry chapstick and damn did it smell good.

Cherry chapstick.

I know what you are probably thinking: Derek Venturi's weakness is cherry chapstick? Well I have just one thing to say to you: Yes it is and it'd be yours too if you were that close to Casey McDonald.

Okay, we can fast-forward to where we were when I first introduced you to my little predicament. So here we are, in my room, and I am slumped over on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands thinking: Get yourself together, Venturi, it's just cherry chapstick. But that smell…

You know those Swedish Fish candies?

Yeah, that's how her lips smelled. Oh my God, it was so…irresistible. Now, I can't stop thinking about crushing my lips against hers just to get a taste.

"Edwin!" I find myself shouting. Dutifully, Edwin comes into my room.

"You rang, master?" He asks, making me smirk.

"Don't get smart," I say, "I need your help."

"Okay. Shoot," Edwin says as he sits down at my computer chair.

"Okay, so this girl and I were arguing at school and we were so close I could almost taste her cherry chapstick."

"Okay?" Edwin gives me a look.

"So, now I can't stop thinking about that cherry chapstick. All I want to do is thrust my lips to hers just to get a taste."

"Derek," Edwin looks up at me, "I think I know what your issue is. I think the cherry chapstick is a cover-up for what you really want. You tell yourself you want to kiss her for the chapstick but I think that's just your mind making up an excuse. You want to kiss her for the sake of kissing her."

"Ew, Ed, I don't want to kiss her to kiss her. She's…"

"She's what?" Edwin cocks an eyebrow.

"She's stupid."

"That's mature," Edwin gives me a look, "I'll be in my room. Give me a call when you get your freakishly weird issues sorted out."

And with that he leaves me.

Damn that Edwin and his stupid psychological mumbo-jumbo. What the hell was he talking about? But now he has my mind thinking that maybe he has a point. Maybe I do want to kiss her.

But that's stupid.

And gross.

I mean, it's Casey. Who'd want to kiss Casey?

Oh, that's right. Me.

I feel like such a freak. Like one of those perverted people they do documentaries about on those Life Crime shows. Like a stalker. But I'm not. I just have a thing for her cherry chapstick.

Oh. My. God.

I am a freak.

Who invented cherry chapstick anyways? Probably one of those whack jobs that believes in submission and girls dominating guys. She probably loves to see guys grovel and suffer at the hands of cherry chapstick.

Okay, so maybe I am overreacting. I mean, it's chapstick. What kind of person gets this worked up over chapstick. Chapstick. It is red wax in a little tube that smells like cherries. Deliciously delectable cherries…

Okay, you're losing it Venturi. It's just chapstick. Chapstick!


Damn it, it's Casey.

"What do you want?" I call towards my door.

"Dinner's ready," she says.


"Can I come in?"


Of course, she does anyways.

"Haven't you heard of knocking?" I demand.

"Haven't you?"

Okay, so the girl does have a point there.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"I…I wanted to ask you once again why'd you say that to me."

"I don't know, Case," I sigh, "I just say things. It's what I do. I like to make you mad and get you worked up. It's funny."

"So you watched me suffer for your own entertainment."

"Yeah," I say, "I guess."

"You are a jerk. What's wrong with you?"

"I dunno, I just say things without thinking too much and…"

"Not about that. You look so worked up about something. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lie.

How could I tell her about the chapstick thing? She'd think I was more of a freak than she already does.


"You…you're wearing cherry chapstick," I say plainly.

"Yeah," she gives me a look, "Why?"

"It smells nice."

"Thank you."

Then without thinking, I grab her in my arms and thrust my lips upon hers and kiss her with more passion and heat than I've ever kissed with before. When we pull away, we both suddenly take interest in the fine craftsmanship of the carpet.

"It tastes good too," I say.


"Casey, all day I've been wondering what it'd taste like."

"The chapstick or the kiss?" She asks.

"Both," I say truthfully.

"Next time just kiss me and save yourself the worry," she smirks and leaves.

I watch her go and I mentally curse her. I just kissed her with all I've got and that's all she can say? It could be worse I suppose. She could have slapped me, called me a pig, or worse…told Nora and my dad. Now that would be trouble.

I shake it off and head downstairs. Everyone else is already at the table. Casey looks at me as if nothings happened. I take a seat next to Edwin.

"Pass the chicken," I order.


"What?" I ask.

"Do…do you have cherry chapstick on?"

I look at my reflection in a spoon. Damn it!

I have a red mark above my upper and lover lip.

"Pass the chicken, Ed," I say.

"Smerek's wearing lipstick!" Marti sings.

"It's not lipstick," I say, "It's chapstick. Cherry chapstick."

I see Casey silently giggle from behind her napkin. Stupid Casey and her damn cherry chapstick!

A/N: So what'd you think? Reviews would be nice.