I don't own. You silly twilligers should know that by now.

Tuesday Night Girlfriend

Bruce stood at the top of the steps, just between the grandfather clock and the entrance to the cave. He listened to the voices of his boys echoing below.

"Timmy's gotta girlfriend, Timmy's gotta girlfriend..."

"Dick, did you come here for my help, or did you come here to torment me."

"Equal parts torment and legitimate request for help."

"Get your girlfriend to help you, man."

"Alright. I'll be good."

There was silence as their echoes died away. It was good to see Tim in the cave again. He'd been afraid their relationship was irreparable after certain recent... turns of events. Of course, Tim was here to see Dick, not him. He held back a sigh.

A few seconds later. "Timmy and Wendy, sitting in a tree..."

WENDY? What about Spoiler, and his professed love for her?

"Dick, shut up."

"Aww, baby bird is touchy. What'dja say last night about her perfect breastesis? Think Spoiler'll mind if I tell her you wanna reach out and--"

Bruce tensed. Had he been responsible for this?

"Find yer own damned drug dealer, Dick."

"Nice use of alliteration. Come on, I'll be good."

"You keep saying that."

"I really mean it this time."

"Ok. Look, give me like two minutes of peace to track down the contents of their text pages. Ok?"


More silence. Maybe Bruce should make himself known? But he couldn't bring himself to do that. He was afraid of in inevitable argument between himself and Timothy. He also had a strong desire to find out about this Wendy girl his son seemed intent on torturing his partner about.

"Timmy wants ta make babies with Wendy, neener neener--"

There was the sound of a hand smacking a head.

"OUCH! You little RUNT!"

"Gotcha that time! Now shut up, or I'm not decoding your text pages!"

"There's nothing wrong with having a thing for older women. I got one of my own..."

"Dick, what did I tell you?"

Whoever this girl was, Tim was serious about her. He'd only got this defensive over Stephanie. Suddenly Bruce worried that it had been his own actions that had killed what the boy felt for Spoiler. He wasn't exactly the master at relationships, but he'd certainly rather have Tim involved with someone his own age instead of an older woman. Bruce wasn't a man used to feeling guilty for his actions. Right now, he was feeling incredibly guilty.

"You done yet?" Dick asked. He thought his son had more patience than that.

"Man, what's your issue?"

"Nothing. Just contemplating how we both have a thing for chicks with cross-bows that like to kill things."

"Look, I didn't tell you to screw Huntress."

Ok. Now THAT was something Bruce didn't know. He was also now incredibly worried about his youngest protégé with this talk of women who liked to kill things. He wasn't exactly pleased that Dick had had a relationship with a known killer, but it was incredibly alarming that someone as young and tender as Tim could be falling so hard and fast for a similar woman.

"Ok, it was just once, THANK YOU. And I wasn't talking about Helena. Babs has a new method of mouse population control in the tower."

"NORMAL people put up mouse traps."

"Yeah, well my girl uses the little furies for target practice."

He was getting a LOT of interesting information by this eves dropping. All kinds of things that Bruce never wanted to know, but was finding it necessary to know, now.

"Ok. Look. Me and my relationship with Wendy and her crossbow are none of your business. Why don't you go torment Kon. His is a long standing love-affair with Wendy, her boyfriend AND that witch friend of Wendy's. You think I am messed up for thinking Wendy is the greatest thing since sliced bread? Kon's practically stalking her. And Bart worships the ground she walks on. He keeps asking why she can't join Young Justice. YOU explain it to him."

The more he listened, the more Bruce felt the situation grow desperate. There were apparently SEVERAL young heros involved with this Wendy person, and Wendy's friends. This would bare more investigation. A woman who seduced young male heroes couldn't possibly be a benign force. Perhaps she was like White Lightening, and used her powers to seduce men to her will. Any way he sliced it, Bruce didn't like it.

"See, that's the difference between us. I have standards. I don't hang out with complete freaks like Superboy, who cuts out pictures of Wendy and schlacks them to the wall."

"No, you hang out with ROY, who's just a complete freak, period. He told Flash who told Impulse that he'd give up on Cheshire if Wendy'd run away with him."

"Ok, that's just wrong."

"See, I'm not the only guy in the whole world who wants Wendy for more than her mind. And I think her mind is OK too."

"What the hell is it with you people?"

"Oh come on, you know you want her."

"I have a cute little red head who'd sever my nards from the rest of me if I admitted to that."

"But you want her."

"Aren't you done yet? How long does it take to decode those things. You wanna get outta here before Bruce gets back."

"Dick and Wendy sitting in a tree..."

There was the sound of a hand hitting flesh.

"OUCH. Ok, man, that's it. You're on your own..."

"Aww, I'm sorry Robin... Just like... Just don't tell my girlfriend, ok?"

Oh no. Who was this Wendy and why did she have such a hold over both of his charges?

Tim chuckled evilly. "How much is it worth to you?"

"Shit man. You're a real creep, you know that?"

"I learned from the best, oh wise sage."

"Ten bucks and I'll sign ya out of Brentwood Penitentiary for the weekend."


"And no telling Oracle either."

"You know me too well."

"I know how you like to compartmentalize alter egos and stuff. You can't just wait till Babs is in Oracle mode and then go blurting out that Wendy is a fine piece of ass that I'd be jumping on in a minute if I weren't hopelessly in love with a cute red-head."

"YES!" Tim declared.



"You rat."

"All I have to do is edit the last bit about the red-head, and you're gonna be Nightwing-burgers."

"You're the deadest person in the entire world. Maybe I should tell Mr. Drake that his beloved but wayward son has escaped yet again from Brentwood Pen."

"Screw you, man. I was kidding."

"God. Scare the crap out of me."

"By the way, I've decoded all hundred and seventy two text pages, thank you very much. We're back to reason fifty-seven as to why I rule and you suck."

"Bite me, Wendy-lover."

"You love Wendy too."

"Aww, shut up." Dick let out a little moan. "Ok, fine. She's hot. She's REALLY hot."

"I know," Tim responded consciously. "Dude, we gotta stop going on about her. Cause, like it's about time for Bruce to come down here, and then I'll just get pissed off again, and we'll ruin a perfectly good conversation about Wendy's tits."

"Dude, we haven't even broached that subject in a proper fashion. Last night, she was wearing that little sweater..."

"Geeze, shut up, or we're never gonna get outta here."

"Timmy has a stiffy."

"Dick, shut up."

Bruce decided to have a talk with his youngest student. "Dick, leave us," he ordered.

"Hey, the twip and I were just leaving..."

"Dick. You and I will talk later."

Dick looked at his little brother. First of all, he didn't cherish the idea of talking to Bruce. Second of all, he didn't cherish the idea of leaving Tim alone with Bruce... It had the potential to get very very bad... like every conversation Dick and Bruce had had when he'd been eighteen until like six months ago. "Ok, look, I'll catch up with you after I go bust these guys' heads. We'll do pizza or something."

"I'm not eating anything that comes out of your fridge."

"We'll order new, I swear." He turned back to his mentor. "You two behave, ok?" he said it jokingly, but he really meant it. He really didn't want to see Tim's relationship with Bruce go down the toilet for four to six years because Bruce was being a big fat jerk.

Grudgingly, he took himself off.

"Tim, I think we need to have a talk."

"Nothing to talk about. I'm clearing out. I was just helping Nightwing."

"Actually... I wanted to talk to you about that."

"I'm being kicked out of the cave, aren't I?"

"No. I want to talk to you about Spoiler." Bruce sat down next to his partner. It was probably he had this conversation Bruce to Tim as opposed to Batman and Robin.

"You did what you did. The end."

"Tim... I'm sorry."

Tim blinked. Did Batman just apologize for something? "Ok. Who're you and what did you do with the real Bruce?"

"I mean it. I never meant to cause you problems."

"Well, ya did," Tim said bitterly. Bruce wasn't going to squeeze some sort of bonding moment out of him. He was tricky and manipulative above all things-Batman would NEVER apologize unless he was benefiting from it somehow. Tim just had to find the catch.

"I'm... concerned." Bruce watched Tim roll his eyes. "For you. I would like to talk about Wendy. I think you should put away this obsession."

Tim leapt to his feet. "Oh my god! I'm in freaking LOCK DOWN at Brentwood over Robin stuff. My relationship with my girlfriend may be irreparably damaged. I have ONE thing in my life that I like, that I ENJOY, and you're trying to take THAT away from me? You're sick, Bruce."

"Tim, I really think it's for your own good. Nothing good can come of this."

"Can't a guy have an obsession?"

"Not an unhealthy one."

"Says WHO? You run around dressed like a Bat. I pine over Wendy."

"Tim, we need to talk about this." Yes, something was seriously wrong with this situation, if Tim was this defensive towards him. There were definitely outside influences controlling his protégé. "This isn't good for you. We've had our problems. I've created a good deal of them. But right now, I'm talking to you as your friend. Son, I want to help you."

Tim slammed his fist down on the computer console. "I'm not your SON. I have my OWN dad. And he HATES ME. And you can't understand that. The only one who understands is Wendy!"

Bruce watched as Robin stormed off. Though he felt the boy was in danger, he let him go. He couldn't further deal with this situation without data, which he was sorely lacking at this juncture.

He pulled his chair to the Crays and connected to Oracle. "Oracle, I'm worried for Robin. Please give me any information you can about this Wendy he's so interested in."

Barbara Gordon appeared on his screen. "What do you want to know? I don't think there's anything to worry about, really."

"Barbara, he has an unnatural obsession. Anything you can give me."

"Unnatural obsession? Dick thinks I don't know, but I think he dreams of us having a threesom."

Why did Barbara seem so amused by this?

"Should we be considering her a threat?"

"Naw, I don't. It gives Robin something to obsess over, instead of how rotten his life is."

Bruce had a feeling he was at the root of Robin's susceptibility to this force. He also wasn't sure he could trust Oracle's judgment about this Wendy NOT being a threat. She was obviously taking Dick's own infatuation far too calmly. He knew her well enough that if Dick even glanced at another woman, she'd probably kill him.

"Ok. Well, indulge my interest, here. I'm concerned for my partner. What can you tell me about her? Anything at all."

"Well, there're websites... I'll e-mail ya some links. Anyways. You know about the whole werewolf stalking thing, right? She has a friend who's a witch. I think Robin has a thing for her too. I think that's HIS threesome fantasy. Of course, it turned out a couple years ago that the witch-girl's a lesbian. THAT is what really got Superboy's interest. He couldn't have cared less before then. All that information did was confuse Impulse and Flash, though, because she'd previously been dating a vampire. Anyways, I'm getting off track. So, Wendy was in love with this werewolf guy named Cherub. They did the nasty, he went all evil, killed some people, killed some goldfish, she sent him to hell, he came back..."

"Should Cherub also be seen as a potential threat?"

"The guys dig lesbians, not other guys. Ever notice Superboy started wearing a leather jacket after Cherub came back from hell? Honestly, the guys just dig his hair and his fashion sense. And he has a cute secretary. So, that's the only reason they watch Cherub. Dick has four 6-hour video tapes of what he calls 'surveillance'. So, I'd really talk to him if you wanna know what has yer Boy Wonder's knickers in a twist. Dick's got hours and hours of tapes of Wendy and Cherub."

Bruce was extremely worried. His son, playing voyeur? And Oracle not minding? He vowed that as soon as he got off the line with Barbara, he was calling an emergency meeting with the only people he could trust-Superman, Wonder Woman and the Manhunter. THEY could get to the bottom of this.

"And you don't mind that he does that?"

"Naw, I even tape it for them. I give them a hard time, but I figured if I'm going to watch too, I might as well tape it." He heard her tapping on her key board. "Ok, I just sent off some links to the better sites. Do a web search, you'll return tons of hits. Oh yeah... you'll definitely want to catch Wendy and Cherub next Tuesday. Starts at eight." Boy, did that sound like a challenge-or a trap. "If you're really worried about your Boy Wonder, you'll want to see what it's all about first hand. I'm sure you can spare two hours out of your busy life for him. I mean, you've screwed with the kid enough as it is. This'll give you something to bond over." Barbara shrugged. "Anyways... I'm sure you don't own a TV guide. It's channel 9. Reruns are on channel 45 at six o'clock every week day. I give 'em a hard time, but Wendy's good stuff. Best writing on TV in a long time."

She grinned. "Oh, and Bruce... Its ok if you look at her tits too. The girl was hired by the network for her rack, not her fighting skills."

Bruce didn't know whether to be relieved, embarrassed or disgusted.

"Batman out." He terminated the connection and shook his head. Those boys were dead.