A/N: I feel like I should go over this one more time, but I really want to give you guys an update and there should be minimal mistakes. Sp, here you go.
Orochimaru was starting to have doubts. Actually that was a lie. He'd been having doubts about this meeting since some weird guy in a mask wielding nothing but a stick had appeared in the middle of his hideout and handed him a piece of paper with nothing but a date and a location on it. Seriously, a stick. That was all the guy carried! Sure it was magical, but even a magical stick paled in comparison to his super awesome ninja powers! And the location, don't even get him started on the location! A strange dingy little pub that served oddly named drinks and was situated in the middle of a country that must be made up. Seriously, what the fuck was Switzerland? The only reason he was even here was because the weird guy with the stick had mentioned Itachi, which meant Naruto, which meant Sasuke. Delicious, sexy new body here I come!
But he was getting ahead of himself. In order to find Sasuke he had to first meet with whoever had sent the weird guy with the stick. So far the mysterious man had yet to show.
"I apologize for keeping you waiting," a voice rasped. Orochimaru leveled the flat-faced, slit-eyed being taking a seat across from him with a blank stare. Was this guy trying to steal his thunder or something? Seriously, Orochimaru so had dibs on the whole evil snake villain thing first. "Let us get down to business."
Orochimaru listened patiently to the man's proposition. He interrupted only once to ask, "So you want Itachi to join you?" To which he received an affirmative reply. How disappointing. Orochimaru was really looking forward to possibly killing the son of bitch. After all, the brat had cut off his hand. At one point the other snake man handed Orochimaru a map of what he was told was a school and how to get to it. The sannin studied it briefly. Didn't look too hard to find. In fact, he probably didn't need his copy cat's help, but it was always good to have a back up plan. Plus, this Voldemort guy would be a nice way to keep the Akatsuki pair busy while he kidnapped Sasuke and killed Naruto. Yes, this should work out quite nicely.
"So, do we have a deal?" Voldemort asked. Orochimaru took the offered hand and shook it firmly, an evil smirk twisting his features.
"Yes, I believe we do."
Sasuke was beginning to wonder why he'd decided to come back to Konoha. If he hadn't, if he'd just stayed in Oto and trained with Orochimaru rather than let common sense take over for once in his life, then he would have never been partnered with Naruto in ANBU, which meant he would have never been sent on this ridiculous mission, with meant the entire Herbology debacle would have never happened. Quite honestly Sasuke was surprised he had managed to make it through the rest of the day with his dignity still in tact. Beaten and bloody, yes, but in tact. Between Naruto's constant teasing, eyebrow waggling, and pervy grins and Itachi and Kisame's freakish tendency to randomly pop up around corners (thankfully fully clothed) the young Uchiha was honestly relieved to find that you couldn't actually die of embarrassment. He was sure his relatives would have been ashamed if he'd shown up in the afterlife, not because he died in an attempt to restore their honor via intense ninja battle with Itachi, but because of his idiot friend's stupidly inaccurate conclusion and his brother's sudden urge to run screaming across a school campus in the nude. For the love of God! He was a teenager! Naruto should understand! Sometimes boners happened!
...God he was never going to live this down.
Thankfully that night was Harry's, and therefore Naruto's, first detention. This would leave Sasuke blissfully free of utter humiliation for the next hour or two. So it was with great (but secret) glee that Sasuke saw Naruto off to his first night of detention with Dolores Jane Umbitch...Umbridge. He eyed a group of passing first years, a slightly sadistic glint in his eyes. He really needed a stress reliever...
Itachi brushed a few strands of loose hair aside, mouth twisting into an irritated scowl. Kisame was doing an absolutely brilliant job of avoiding him. Normally Itachi wouldn't be too bothered by this, but tonight was different. For one, he had yet to successfully demannify his partner. But the main reason for Itachi's annoyance was that shortly after dinner he had noticed the presence of a scouting party lurking in the Forbidden Forest. Tracking down multiple enemy ninja wasn't hard, per say, but Itachi had a lot of shit to do and tracking always went faster with two people. He briefly entertained returning to his room and dragging Kisame out to the forest with him by the ear. However in the next moment that idea was tossed out he window, as one of the enemy ninja had noticed that Itachi had noticed them and had so gone to notify his teammates that they had been noted. But that was okay. Itachi needed to relieve some stress anyway.
Now, Itachi could admit that there was something a little creepy about the forbidden forest. It had unicorns, for crying out loud. No place that fostered unicorns could be considered good (Itachi refused to believe their innocence was nothing more than a ruse to lure in potential human victims). That being said, it still didn't really hold a candle to the sprawling foliage of Fire Country. This could possibly be due to the distinct lack of leaches the size of fat toddlers and tigers the size of small houses. But it did have trees. Granted, they weren't the freakishly gigantic trees that received natural steroids from Fire Country's natural steroid soil, but they were trees, nonetheless. Itachi liked trees. He'd grown up around trees and was therefore very good at using them to his advantage.
He moved swiftly and silently from branch to branch, Sharingan eyes observing the scouting team, which was just beginning to flee. Scenarios played through his mind. Deciding on an appropriate plan of action he reached into his weapons pouch and withdrew a kunai. It flew through the air with frightening precision and embedded itself in the back of an unfortunate ninja's head. Before the remaining scouts had a chance to process how utterly screwed they were Itachi unleashed a fire jutsu. It engulfed two of the ninja, burning them to ash. The remaining two picked up their pace in an attempt to outrun him. Itachi smirked. Not even Might Guy, the self-proclaimed Green Beast of Konoha, could outrun the sexiest and most powerful ninja in the Five Nations. Hell, in all the nations.
Itachi became nothing more than a blur, disappearing from sight. He appeared right behind one of the remaining shinobi. Quickly he tackled him to the ground where he snapped his neck and left him to be devoured by some ungodly creature or another. Like a unicorn. Within seconds he'd caught up to the final shinobi.
"NOOOOO!" the man screamed, putting on one final burst of speed out of pure desperation. Rather than putting forth the energy to catch up to his prey again Itachi withdrew a few shuriken from his holster. Four very sharp and highly dangerous projectiles shot through the air, uncanny in their accuracy. Two embedded themselves in the backs of the unfortunate man's knees. The other two buried themselves in his Achilles. He went down, slamming hard into the forest floor below. Itachi landed beside him with unmatched grace.
"P-please don't kill me!" the shinobi wailed. Itachi merely raised an eyebrow.
"Who sent you?" the Uchiha demanded. The shinobi whimpered, but gave nothing away. Honestly, that was about as much as Itachi had expected. Besides, it was more fun when they tried to be brave. "You leave me no choice then." He hauled the ninja up by the collar of his shirt and forced eye contact. "Tsukuyomi." Immediately the ninja fell limp in Itachi's arms. This was when the Uchiha prodigy thought that maybe he should have waited to use his awesomely powerful genjutsu until he was back in the room, as he was now trying his damn hardest to avoid being crushed by dead weight. Seriously, this guy was fatter than he looked. Itachi blamed Kisame, as he was the one who usually carried the unconscious victims. As he slung the limp body over his shoulder, mentally groaning about his delicate structure and how there was a reason he was a genjutsu specialist, not a taijutsu specialist, Itachi vowed Kisame would pay dearly for this.
Just you wait, asshole, you are so fucking dead.
I think Sasuke would like this quill, Naruto thought as he inspected the evil-looking feather. On the back of his hand the words I will not pants the teacher quickly healed over again. Being emo and prone to masochistic tendencies Sasuke would most definitely like a writing utensil that carved into your skin and produced ink made from your own blood. Not to mention if you were ever in a situation where a jutsu was needed that required the use of human blood, rather than having to slice your arm open and risk bleeding to death for the sake of painting a few scribbles, you could simply whip out the Quill of Doom. Simple and effective. And of course, the fact that it was a feather meant it could be used for tickle torture. Sasuke could use some tickle torture.
As he continued to write lines Naruto speculated on the happenings of that day. Honestly, if Naruto had known Itachi was so hot under that cloak he probably would have let Akatsuki capture him. Just for a little while. Heck, he could still do that. But, Sasuke would undoubtedly be upset if Naruto were to be captured. Sasuke didn't realize it, but Naruto was well aware that his best friend had the biggest crush on him. Naruto liked Sasuke a lot too, but being a prankster by nature it was a lot more fun to play dumb, watch the Uchiha squirm and make awkward incestuous jokes when Sasuke's hormones chose a terrible time to remind them all that yes, they do exist. Naruto stopped writing and smothered a laugh as he recalled the look on Sasuke's face earlier.
"Mr. Uzumaki!" Umbridge's shrill girly voice pierced his eardrums. "You. Are. Not. Working!" Naruto rolled his eyes and returned to writing. A quick glance at Harry showed the other boy's face scrunching up in a pained grimace as words appeared on the back of his hand once more. Naruto practically couldn't even feel it. Yet another reason why being the Kyuubi's host was awesome. Harry would probably leave tonight with an ugly scar while Naruto's skin would be smooth as a baby's. Being a wizard sucked.
When Itachi suddenly appeared via super awesome ninja powers Kisame did not scream like a little girl. He didn't. And he had most certainly not made a rather pathetic attempt to escape, just in case his partner was still in the mood to chop that which was most precious to the shark-man into itty-bitty pieces and feed it to that giant ass squid in the lake. Nope. Kisame did none of those things and anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar!
"Kisame cease this foolish behavior, we have more imperative concerns than your balls," Itachi said. Kisame stopped scrabbling pitifully at the stonewall and finally took note of the unconscious ninja slung over the Uchiha's shoulder.
"Who's that?" Kisame asked.
"That is what we must figure out."
Then, much to Kisame's horror, Itachi flung the bound and injured enemy ninja down on the bed.
"Nooooo!" the shark-man wailed. "Why our love nest!" Itachi leveled him with a flat look until Kisame wisely chose to fall silent and keep his complaints to himself. Then they both turned their attention to their prisoner. He didn't look like much. Just your average garden-variety minion used for menial purposes or spying on an enemy you didn't feel like spying on yourself. Kisame was about to ask what his partner had in store for the unfortunate man when the ninja twitched violently and whimpered something about cannibal donuts. Kisame raised an eyebrow at his partner, receiving a shrug from the shorter shinobi.
"I do not control that which a person fears most," the Uchiha said carelessly. Kisame decided he didn't care.
After a few more minutes of watching the twitching and whimpering Itachi decided the prisoner had had enough time to wallow in his warped nightmares. Not to mention he was getting quite bored. It was about time to wake the poor sap up. "Kisame, slap him," Itachi demanded. After eight years of partnership Kisame had learned not to question even the strangest of Itachi's orders. He walked up to the unconscious ninja, raised one giant blue hand, and bitch slapped him hard across the face. The ninja woke up screaming. "Very good Kisame. Perhaps I will reconsider mutilating your balls later."
A hopeful look. "Really?"
Kisame's face fell. "Is it really worth giving up sex for the rest of your life all because I accidentally woke you up from a nap? I already told you I tripped!"
"That does absolutely nothing to explain why we were both naked and you had a boner. And you assume you are the only person I sleep with."
A minute of shocked silence in which Kisame stared. "You cheat on me?"
"No," Itachi replied, accompanied with a perfectly executed eye roll. Under his breath he muttered, "Not that I haven't considered it..."
"What was that?"
"Kisame, why is this man not screaming in agony from torture?"
"Damn it! Don't change the subject–"
"Kisame! Torture, now!"
Naruto entered the common room like an overexcited puppy that got into his master's supply of illegal drugs. He spotted Sasuke and bounded over to the Uchiha's claimed corner of Emoness and Despair. Harry sulked off towards Hermione and Ron, no doubt to whine about the evilness of lines and do angsty wizard things.
"How was detention?" Sasuke asked.
"It was awesome!" the blond exclaimed. "Well, at first it was kind of creepy, 'cause frog lady's office was all dark and stuff and she had all these cats all over the place–not real ones, but they moved and shit–and there was tons of lace–" Here Sasuke cringed in disgust. "–and I thought it was going to be really boring 'cause all she wanted us to do was lines, you know? I was all, "Iruka's detentions are waaaaaay more interesting" but lines turned out to be really cool 'cause we got to use these quills that carve words into your skin and use your own blood as ink! You would have really liked it Sasuke! Oh, and Harry can't go to his broomstick tryout thingy."
Hm, perhaps these mysterious quills warrant investigation. After all, they could endanger the students. Which would be bad. …Maybe I should get one for Itachi. Nah, he'd like it. "That's nice Naruto. Now do your homework."
"But Sasuke!" Naruto whined. "Homework suuuuuuucks!" Besides, he'd just spent the last hour doing lines! He didn't want to do more boring stuff; he wanted to do something fun!
"One of the requirements for our mission is blending in," Sasuke said, putting the finishing touches on a completely made up dream involving blood, death, and Itachi for his dream diary. No way in hell was he telling that bug-eyed psychotic weirdo about the rainbows and gay weasels. And no, he absolutely was not in denial! "That means doing homework."
Naruto cast about for an excuse. "But I'm tired!"
"That's what soldier pills are for."
Grumbling, Naruto pulled out a roll of parchment and a normal (boring) quill and started in on some of his homework. Stupid slave driver Sasuke. I will get him back, somehow.
This torture session was extremely lame. Barely five minutes of Kisame waving Samehada around threatening to cut off limbs and their prisoner was babbling his secrets through terrified sobs and pleas to spare his life. It was useful, as they now knew Orochimaru was lurking about, waiting for the perfect moment to foil their plans and defile Sasuke. Still, Itachi couldn't help but be highly disappointed. Not only was he deprived of a much-needed nap that morning, but now he couldn't even relieve his stress on the screams of agony. Kisame didn't even cut of a measly finger!
...He should probably consider taking a vacation soon. A long one. After all, being a psychotic criminal was only supposed to be a cover. Though, maybe being a legit psycho wouldn't be so bad. They certainly lived interesting lives. Not to mention, he probably would spent a lot less time (none) plagued by the guilt of murdering his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandparents, great aunts, cousins twelve times removed, second cousins eight times removed, etc. Then again, being a legit psycho might lead him to examine the exact rational behind allowing Sasuke to live, leading him to deem it a stupid decision on his part, and resulting in the destruction of eight years of hard work through killing Sasuke. Yeah, when this was over he was definitely going on a nice long vacation.
"So what do we do with him now?" Kisame asked. He nudged the quivering mass of sniveling shinobi with Samehada a few times.
"Hm..." Itachi considered for a moment. "Leave him in the forest. Maybe the centaurs will take him captive or a unicorn will eat him."
"First off, Itachi-san, unicorns are pure innocent creatures. They don't eat people!" Itachi scoffed. "Second, I think he's kind of cute." Itachi had a feeling he knew where this was going. "Can we keep him Itachi-san? Just while we're here?"
He should say no. He really should. Itachi stared at the quaking ninja. "Whatever," he mumbled, then turned away to go take a shower.
"Yay!" Kisame cheered. He crouched down in front of the captive turned pet. "I'll call you...Steve!" Itachi heaved an irritated sigh.
"You need to stop spending so much time on the Internet, it rots your brain," the Uchiha muttered, closing the bathroom door behind him. Kisame grinned down at Steve, revealing his sharp pointy teeth. Steve whimpered.
The next morning Harry skipped first period in a frantic bid to finish at least some of his homework on time. The young wizard was annoyed to note that despite having been in detention with him Naruto had somehow managed to finish all his homework the previous night. The damn blond not only got to have a nice relaxing breakfast, but also didn't have to worry about what he would miss first period. At least Ron was there to keep him company. Although what had kept the redhead from doing his homework the previous night was a mystery to Harry.
"How come you didn't do it all last night?" the boy who lived enquired. There was a mess of ensuing mumbling from which Harry managed to get "doing other stuff" and nothing more. He decided he didn't have time to worry.
With dreams scribbled haphazardly in their diaries the boys rushed off to North Tower. Following along behind them, unbeknownst to the boys, was an irritated Sasuke clone, secretly proud that his presence was necessary precisely because he'd gotten Naruto to do all of his homework the previous night.
During the mad dash there was a bit of discussion about detention with Umbridge. Harry decided against revealing that he had been forced to write in his own blood using some type of strange demonic quill, diverting all uncomfortable questions with, "Lines."
It was no surprise to Harry when the rest of his day only went downhill from there. Having not done anything but what little he could accomplish during first period that day (almost nothing) classes were awful. Adding to the suckiness of the entire situation was that even more homework was assigned, homework that wasn't going to get done due to round two with Umbridge's quill of doom. To top it all off, Angelina ambushed him at dinner, to the sniggers of Naruto, angry that he wasn't going to be at tryouts on Friday.
Yeah, this was definitely not his day.
"So," Kisame began slowly, "what are we going to do about Orochimaru?" From his place behind his desk where he was absentmindedly grading papers Itachi shrugged. Abilene. What kind of name was that? It sounded stupid. Just for that, an F. No, he would be nice. D. "Should I take your silence to mean nothing?"
"Yet," Itachi muttered. He penned in an A at the top of a paper labeled "Why Professor Uchiha Would Beat Professor Snape in a Fight" and called out in a louder voice, "Steve, I hunger. Fetch me nourishment." Steve fled from the room in the blink of an eye, eager to get away from his captors, if only for a little bit. He had no idea where the kitchens were, but he didn't care. He'd figure it out.
"Whatever," Kisame muttered, turning back to his previous activity: sewing up the hole in his Akatsuki cloak. Itachi couldn't sew worth shit. The last time the prodigy had tried to mend anything Kisame had gotten it back with more rips than before and Itachi had been forced to take a week off to give his hands time to heal. Thankfully, Kisame had found he was quite adept in this particular area.
Itachi put an F at the top of a paper entitled "Why Professor Uchiha is a Psycho" before falling into thoughts of Orochimaru. Undoubtedly he was there for Sasuke's body. Nevertheless he would prove troublesome. Ever since Itachi had cut off his hand and made an utter fool out of him Orochimaru had held a grudge. Because Itachi was a part of Akatsuki the grudge extended to the organization. This had led Orochimaru, on various occasions, to attempting to foil Akatsuki's plans. Yeah, sure Itachi was trying to do the same thing, but he was pretty sure Orochimaru's plans involved Naruto's untimely death and seeing as how the blond was the savior of the ninja world Itachi couldn't let that happen. That left only one option.
Orochimaru would have to be eliminated.
Orochimaru was irritated. He sent five marginally competent ninja on a simple scouting mission to investigate the terrain of Hogwarts and take covert picture of Sasuke in the shower. None of them returned. He had no doubt Itachi and Kisame had captured at least one of the fools and that the rest were lying dead somewhere. Not good, not good at all. Now the Akatsuki duo was undoubtedly alerted to his presence in the area. No matter. He would simply have to be more cautious in order to avoid losing another hand to Itachi. Easy. Kind of. Not really. Shit.
How the hell was he supposed to get his hands on Sasuke now?
A/N: I apologize. Another year gone by and no updates. I blame senior year. It was crazy. And then there was the six months or so where I lost the will to write. I don't mean I had writer's block, where you sit down to write and just can't think of anything. I mean I actually had no motivation to write anything. It was only about June or so that I got it back and then a realized something amazing. I actually give a crap about this story! It started out as something to just pass the time, but when I finished the first draft of chapter 5 I realized I hated it and that I actually wanted to put as much effort into it as I do with everything else I write. This means I'm also gonna go back and rewrite chapters 1-4 at some point. I mean, it's been two years since I first started writing it.