Disclaimer: Sadly, Neji's more likely to cut his magnificent hair than for me to own Naruto.

A.N. Even though from the beginning this story was meant to be a light hearted crack fic, I must say that I out did myself with this chapter. And I hope you enjoy it my crack-loving friends. Oh yeah, there's some colorful language by the way.


Family

They stared at each other, unblinking.

Finally Ino broke off and threw herself against the chair. "Why out of all the people in this school did it have to be you?" She complained, then slumped against her chair in resignation.

Neji bristled.

Aside from his daily skirmishes with Uchiha no one was stupid or reckless enough to pick a fight with him. Maybe this girl was both, though maybe she was more of the former since she was here.

"I'm sure Kakashi had his reasons," Neji countered coolly, though inwardly he was wondering the same thing. Tutoring was for someone who liked ... people.

"Right because you're such a people person," Ino drawled sarcastically.

Neji was beginning to lose his patience.

Partially because here he was, offering her help again damn it (was it divine intervention from Kami to be more social?) and she was throwing it back in his face. Again. Though admittedly the other reason he was irritated was because she echoed what he was thinking. Being on the same page with this bipolar failing loony was not something Neji wanted.

"And that bubbly aura of your's just radiates helpfulness," Ino continued, oblivious to his silent frustration. Neji finally snarled back at her.

"Blame yourself for this, the only reason your stuck with me," he reminded her harshly, "Is because you're the one who's failing. I wouldn't be that picky about help. Beggars can't be choosers."

"I'm not failing," she snapped, almost leaping from her chair in all the indignation a scorned woman could possess. "We can't all be academic whores like you Hyuuga."

Briefly he mused on that insult, it was an... interesting reprieve from "bastard" and "asshole."

Let it never be said he did not appreciate originality.

"What's that?" Neji feigned deafness and pretended to recall. "The last thing I heard was "I'm not failing." Huh, I wonder why you're here then. I guess our school counselor must have mistaken you for another shrewish girl who's named after a boar."

"I'm not failing you mongrel son of a sucker!" Ino raised her balled fists and Neji had an unwilling flashback to their last meeting. Warily he watched for any attempts to his groin and he raised an eyebrow at her protests.

"Me think the lady doth protest much.' In case you don't know, that's Shakespeare."

"I know Shakespeare you pole sodomized bastard!"

Hmm. Maybe she was a sailor in her past life?

"I wouldn't have guessed since your because your, you know, failing." Nothing like the simple fall back of repeatedly throwing something back in someone face during a verbal argument. "Of course I'm sure there's plenty of other reasons why people would be assigned a tutor besides failing."

"Ugh!" Ino glared at him before falling into her chair. "What the hell are you doing here? Lose a bet?"

His pride stung, Neji murmured to himself more than her. "More like win a fight."

"You got into a fight," Ino remarked incredulously and then laughed to herself. Neji scowled in irritation, but at least she wasn't descending on him with the fury of a woman scorned anymore.

"Who'd you fight with?" Ino asked with interest after her giggles died down.

"Uchiha." To his immense disgust, Ino perked up at his metro sexual rival's name.

"Uchiha," Ino repeated slowly, a grin spreading on her face. Neji frowned at her. If anything Ino sounded almost ... perversely intrigued. She was unnerving the hell out of him too, her eyes had glazed over and she was smiling to herself like a kid on Christmas morning, eager and enticed.

"Aren't you a fangirl?" Neji questioned, squashing his automatic regret. God knows he didn't want her started squealing (it was bound to be far more annoying than her rage), but Neji could handle fangirls. Ino was something alien. Unknown territory.

"Shouldn't you be hissing?"

"Nah," Ino shrugged and shook herself out of her dream world. "I'm more mad I wasn't there. Who'd want to miss out on two hot guys fighting?"

"A guy," Neji pointed out, mildly amused at her boldness (or weirdness.)

"Not if he's gay," Ino objected. Then added wickedly, "Not all of your fans are girls you know."

Pause. "Thank you for that unnecessary scarring information."

"Your welcome," Ino chirped, her good mood restored. A disturbed Neji could only assume she was in her happy place, a weird fantasy cult world of Uchiha.


"Are you sure we won't be seen? " Neji hissed in an undertone as she dragged him down a new and creepy hallway.

How was it this girl kept getting him to do things he didn't want to?

Kakashi had left them to "get familiar and bond" or in Ino's crude words, "go jerk off." They argued, fought for a while. It was pretty much a repeat of their first encounter, minus the tears, which Neji was glad for. Then less than 5 suspicious minutes later Kakashi came back, kicked them out and Ino had pulled him in an abandoned corridor to avoid being seen by Kakashi's fangirls.

Apparently, according to Ino, girls had this strange system. What one fangirl knows, all fangirls came to know. From the specialist fangirls, who were loyal to one, or the jack-of-all fangirls who played the field. What next, taint the boarding school with spyware?

"Relax," Ino answered breezily. "I've skipped out on curfew dozens of times using this hallway to get away from my room and I've never gotten caught. You're more likely to get haunted by a dead janitor or something," She tugged him down several doorways.

"That's reassuring," he remarked dryly.

Ino huffed quietly, jerking him harder than before. "Relax Hyuuga, we won't caught," Ino whispered confidently.

"Then why, pray tell, are we whispering?" Neji muttered back.

Ino stopped suddenly and shrugged. "Because it adds to the intrigue," Ino mused before pulling him by the wrist. She turned back to him when he refused to move. "Look, almost none of your fangirls would be caught dead here," she pointed out. "They don't have the balls."

"I should hope not."

Ino grinned that wicked grin again. "Of course not, those are you fanboys."


"Ta-Dah!" Ino gave a slight twirl. "Welcome to Ino-sama's Tau Ma Hall!"

He snorted. This place was anything, but Taj Mahal. The trashed and abandoned tourist shop maybe.

The floor was littered with papers and clothes (no undergarments thankfully), her walls were covered with posters of foreign city skylines and bands he'd never even heard of. Who was Mana? Neji wondered. A floor length mirror was face down. Her small desk was piled with lip gloss, magazines and to his surprise, books. She even had a small book case that was organized from girly shoujo manga to Aristotle. That was the only thing that wasn't in disorganized anarchy. Her bed was unmade, with the purple sheets dragging to the floor. And her colorful pillows were on the floor by her lab top which showed a picture of a happy looking bunny saying in a speech bubble "When life gives you lemons, squirt juice in your enemy's eyes."

"I see your name precedes you," Neji observed mockingly.

"What are you my maid?" Ino snorted then flopped onto her bed and stared at Neji until he reluctantly sat down. She rummaged around in her book bag before giving up and spilling the contents to the floor. She gave an 'Aha! There you are you sneaky bastard' and snatched up her math book, pens and a notebook from the floor.

She plopped back down and smiled brightly. "Let's learn," Ino said enthusiastically. Like she hadn't cussed him out like a sailor, for just being there less than an hour ago.

"Are you bipolar?" Neji asked finally. "Or high?" He added.

"Nope," Ino said cheerfully, "I'm naturally this way."

Was that a good thing or bad thing, he wondered?


"To find out the length of a side when dealing with a scalene triangle that only tells you one measured side you simply follow-"

"INO-CHAN!" A boy's loud voice rang through the door.

Startled Neji stopped and looked over at Ino. She shook her head frantically and mouthed 'Don't say anything.' Neji's body still tensed, alert and ready for a fight. Ino seemed more exasperated at the banging of her door than anything else.

"Don't pretend you're not there Ino! I HEAR you breathing!"

How the hell could mystery boy know that Neji wondered. The door, he noticed with a bodyguard's trained eye, was three inches thick and well fitted to the door frame. Ino didn't seem surprised at all, instead she mouthed 'Ignore him.'

"Don't ignore me!" Then mystery boy gasped. "INO, IS THERE A BOY IN THERE?!"

What the freak?!

"ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING PERVERTED?!"

Ino smacked her forehead and muttered something crass under her breath.

"OH MY JEBUS, YOU'RE CUSSING ME OUT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! OH KAMI, CLEANSE INO-CHAN!"

Ino yanked open the door and a blond haired boy stumbled in. She grabbed his ear and managed to get out a "OWW! INO-" before she smacked him on the head. Then, Ino paused and smacked him again.

"What was THAT for?" mystery boy yelped.

"Shut up," Ino snapped then turned to a still stunned Neji.

"Hyuuga, meet my extraordinarily moronic foster brother." The pinned boy managed a wave from his position. "Uzumaki Naruto."


x0x


A.N. Gods this was pure crack to write. Buddha, Jesus, Kami, all know I needed it after reading Breaking Dawn. I'm still purging my mind from that book.

Anyways I hope you enjoyed it and thanks Strife3, Never-chan, WolfFlowerz, and thatdamnhorizon for putting me on your story alert list.

Special thanks to Coco-Minu (nice new chapter in Honey by the way), TheLextacyBlossom (glad you liked the crack), Ame No Megami (I'm looking forward to the next chapter of Urban Decay), Sakimono (You should check out Wanting and Crash for some more Neji/Ino goodness), Clay Mason (Neji just did karma a favor) deathrosekitty (Sasuke sure is an ass), sad little monkey (destiny seems to love fudging with Neji in any universe it seems, even in mine) DarkSmile (who indeed? Though after this chapter I think it's safe to say Neji's the one who's screwed) and finally to ... (you are one loyal reviewer). I really appreciated all of your feedback.

Review!