Fun With Lovecraft

Chapter 1


Idd-Ya waved a rugose tentacle in her husband's slimy face, "Wake up, you lazy lout!" But, of course, Cthulhu didn't move, He's doing that whole Dead But Dreaming schtick again. "I should've listened to my mother, she said to marry that Yeb, but no, I had to pick Mr. Comatose!" Cthulhu still slept, snoring loudly, "I swear it's all an act, this whole, 'I'm going to reclaim the earth for the Great Old Ones' is bull!" She kicked her lazy husband, but he didn't stir. "His own grandmother said he was no good, and Shub-Niggurath knows men." She waddled into the other room and sat in front of the television, "Ah well, how about some entertainment." She clicked the remote, "Me Amore Maricia, No comprehende mala dispsitione..." Click, "Oh, John. I can't, because I'm already married... To your twin brother..." Click "Act now and you'll receive Buns of Steel for the low, everyday price of..." Click. "This city-state was the center of the Cthuloid Empire." "What is R'yleh." Idd-Ya yawned, "What is... Atlantis?" The stupid woman on screen stated, wrongly, bringing her total to -100 dollars. Click. "How many eons has it been since Cthulhu actually got off of his lazy fins and did something? What is, never?" She answered her own question. She picked up a magazine in a crablike claw, "Hmmmm... Modern Parenting... This is a few eons too late, even Cthylla is out on her own now... Just like Cthulhu to keep everyone waiting." She turned to a page of recipies, "Ah, so Shub finally shared her top-secret sugar cookie recipe!"

The cookies were baking in the oven, filling the house with a nice, homey scent. "If that fool ever does wake up, he'll be starving... Idd-Ya! Get me some fresh souls! Idd-Ya! where's my orange juice! Idd-Ya!... Awww... Screw it!" Idd-Ya pulled the cookies from the oven and put them in a paper bag for the thousand young that overran the complex, "Honestly, has that woman ever heard of birth control?" She shook her flabby, gelatinous head in consternation. "Okay, Lazy Cartilage, I'm leaving you if you don't wake up in five minutes!" One... Two... Snoring... Three... More snoring... "I'm not joking!" Four... Five... Idd-Ya grabbed her things, picked up her little cultists, and left. "I'm a lady, I need attention!""Ia! Idd-Ya! Ia! Idd-Ya!!! The cultists chanted from their people carrier...

Five eons later. Cthulhu opened his eyes and squinted in the bright sunshine, "What? I must have been really drunk! Idd-Ya, get me my breakfast!" He paused for a moment, "Idd-Ya?" He stumbled out of bed, "Where is that woman?"

To Be Continued...