Fun With Lovecraft


The Most Evil of The Great Old Ones

In an age of hideous blasphemies and monstrous, unthinkable terrors, one vile creature rose to new heights of depravity and evil. This hateful abomination, an unthinkably horrid blend of man and animal, with his monstrous grin and diseased breath, led many unfortunate wretches to a horrid fate. I shudder even now as I think of that atrocious image, that soul-shattering horror, the most evil of all the Great Old Ones who lurk behind the veil of polite society! A horror more sickening than headless, daemonic Y'Golonac, god of vile perversion, more terrible than Dread Cthulhu, lord of insanity! That twisted blasphemy of corruption, that unspeakable beast of preternatural horror, Joe Camel, The Smooth Character!

Born of a vile, unnatural union between Shub-Niggurath and a camel in a tobacco field in some God-forsaken corner of eldritch North Carolina, The Smooth Character quickly took to his heinous mission. Donning hypnotic cool shades and an enchanted leather jacket, this foul thing picked up a handful of tobacco leaves, soaked them in horrid chemicals, wrapped them in paper, and began to smoke his hideous concoction.

The blasphemy quickly launched an all out attack on humanity. His face was everywhere, leering, a cigarette held between his thick, squamous lips! Through terrible cunning born in a damnably evil mind, Joe positioned himself to destroy mankind with his foul, unspeakable poison. His preferred targets were innocent children, he grew stronger with each young mind he corrupted, every young set of lungs that sucked down that godless evil! He flaunted this evil proudly, posters, billboards, commercials, cheap merchandise, the blasphemy knew no shame. Parents, greatly fearing for their children's safety, sought to end his reign of corruption, but they were no match for his mystical Shades of Coolness and his terrible Smooth Leather Jacket. Preachers condemned him, but the blasphemy served no god but foul Mammon, Lord of Greed, the media and politicians railed against him, but he laughed cruelly, blowing thick, viscous smoke in the faces of his enemies. It was feared that the whole earth would fall beneath his tobacco-stained paws!

Then, just as all seemed loss, a miracle! Joe Camel had peddled his venom to innocent children, but he had also partaken of his own foul poison! His lungs blackened beneath his alluring Smooth Leather Jacket, his eyes yellowed behind his Shades of Coolness, his teeth blackened and rotted away. The Smooth Character's illusions fell away as his rank breath began to come in hideous coughs and hacks. His enemies gained ground, his worship was banned, his idols removed and destroyed. Joe Camel was imprisoned within his mansion of death. He died of slow emphysema, dreaming of his glory days as The Smooth Character.

Sadly, his legacy lives on, most of those children he corrupted became addicted to his poison, dying much as their lord and master. And other beings, foul human collaborators, still sell that vile witch's brew of smoke and venom. I urge you, do not partake of such filth! For Joe Camel may not be truly dead, but merely awaiting the day when his evil is forgotten by an ignorant, unsuspecting mankind, awaiting a horrible rebirth amidst daemoniac smoke and flame!

The End.

I assume the monstrosity is copyrighted by the Camel Cigarette company. I really don't much care...

Y'Golonac, The Defiler, belongs to Ramsey Campbell

My grandfather and several of my aunts have died due to smoking, so I hold no love for tobacco or those who peddle it. Despite the comical tone of this story, I really do hate smoking.

This is an intentional attempt at spoofing Lovecraft's hysterical style. It always amused me how Lovecraft used terms like 'blasphemy', I'm not sure he knew what it meant. And his characters always overreacted to even mildly disturbing sights, such as Richard Upton Pickman's paintings (Even before finding out they were depicting real creatures) or vague carvings of monstrous beasts. He did have some truly terrible creations which could conceivably drive a man mad, but come on, a painting of a man making an 'evil' face at a dinner table?