The Three Words that Changed Dora's Life
By: 1000th Ghost
(This story is dedicated to poor little Charlie because he's poor and little. Oh, and sick.)
One fine Sunday afternoon at exactly 4:29 pm, the author of this story (let's just call her "1000th Ghost") decided that she felt sorry for Charlie. Charlie is poor and little and sick. If you were smart enough to read the dedication, you already knew that. If you weren't smart enough to read the dedication, then you still know it by this point. If you're actually still reading this, then you're not smart at all. However, you're the only audience this story has, so it will try to please you.
Anyway, 1000th Ghost decided that her poor, little baby brother must be bored out of his head. So, she decided to cheer him up by doing what she did best…writing random, pointless nothingness! Yay!
1000th Ghost realized that before she could begin her story she needed to find some characters. She glanced around, and her eyes fell on Trisha's red and blue sippy cup. Eh, it'll do. She began to write.
Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup was strolling down the street. Suddenly from out in front of it loomed-
At this point 1000th Ghost was struck with a case of writer's block and decided to ask Bobby for help.
-Purple Flurp! Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup was so excited. It had always wanted to be full of Purple Flurp! So it filled itself with the delicious Purple Flurp, and…that was it. The end.
1000th Ghost glanced at her story and realized with a shock that it was absolutely lacking a plot. And when a story lacks a plot, what more can you do than…add a romantic subplot?
Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup was feeling very contented. He thought that his life was absolutely perfect. He thought that nothing could possibly ever happen that would make it any better. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when he ran into the girl of his dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. He'd never forget the very first thing she said to him. She said, "Hey. You've got weasels on your face."
He wasn't exactly sure why she said this but realized that it didn't really matter. They were simply meant to be. He walked up to her and kissed her passionately.
1000th Ghost then momentarily stopped the story to ask if everyone would just take some time out of their busy schedule, close their eyes, and imagine a sippy cup passionately kissing a girl named Zelda. If everyone in the world could only picture things like this, then the world would be a better place. Perhaps slightly more disturbing, but better all the same.
After Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup and Zelda had stopped swapping spit, they decided to take a romantic stroll. So they began to walk through the Field of Words. Within the Field of Words lies every word that has ever been written. Ever. In like, the history of the world. The world has a big history, folks. Filled with words. Lots of words. (insert long-blood-chilling-death-by-woodchopper-oh-my-gosh-I-just-broke-a-nail-type scream) Ahem. Yes. Lots of words. It was rather crowded.
Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup and Zelda were walking along, holding hands, reading words, drinking coffee, watching the sunset, doing the finances, solving world hunger, killing the man on the oatmeal box, asking people if they had seen B.O.B. at Kroger, and singing Elvis Presley's "All Shook Up". Suddenly, and without warning, they found themselves caught by the fiendish and just plain gross-
Bobby's eating sweet cereal. And he's sick. Ooh! I'm gonna telllll! He's gonna be in troooouble!
-Gelitor, who promptly let them go, explaining that he was looking for something to eat and got confused by Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup's Purple Flurp interior and Zelda's strained-peach colored hair. Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup and Zelda said that it was fine, no problemo, don't sweat it, and continued on their merry way. Or…so they thought. Zelda happened to glance down, and the words at her feet made her stop her elaborate reenactment of "All Shook Up". They said: "The Three Words that Changed Dora's Life By: 1000th Ghost".
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait," Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup said, "let me get this straight. This story is supposed to be about Dora?"
"Er…yes?" 1000th Ghost said uneasily.
"Then…why are we in it?"
"Um…" 1000th Ghost shrugged her shoulders. "Cuz I felt like it?"
"Now just a minute, young lady," Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup scolded, wagging his finger at her, "You have no right to put us in a story that has nothing to do with us."
"You have no right to wag your finger at me!" 1000th Ghost shouted. "You don't even HAVE a finger to WAG! You're a freakin' CUP!"
"Don't you be shouting at my man!" Zelda exclaimed.
"He's not a man! He's a cup!"
"You're ruining our romantic evening. I order you to leave immediately."
1000th Ghost stood stock still, absolutely stunned by what she had just heard. It was quite degrading to have a character from her own story order her to leave. It was an interesting experience. It also really ticked her off.
"Oh, yeah? Well…well…um…I order you to die!" she shouted in fury.
Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup promptly died.
1000th Ghost stared at him in shock. "Um…you die too," she said uncertainly, pointing to Zelda.
"Oh…I get it!" 1000th Ghost exclaimed. "Since this is my story in my world, I control what happens! What I say is law!"
She then went a bit psychotic and mad with power and ended up killing half the people in the world. Of course, there weren't a lot of people in her world at the moment, but she did manage to kill Lila, Raoul, Madame Leota, Wendy, Belle Watling (and Anne and Melanie, who were both already dead, but that's okay), and Quanitra. Well, actually, 1000th Ghost's father said the name "Quanitra", so she wrote it. She didn't kill her. Yet. But then she did. Why not?
Unfortunately, Quanitra's friends were not too happy about this.
"She dead!" one of them shouted.
"Butts rule!" shouted another.
1000th Ghost then interrupted the story to say that she has officially been working on it for an hour, with only one five minute break to check if "Desperate Housewives" was on, go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, and tape a page of a coloring book back together for her mother (?).
Suddenly, out jumped a bunch of black girls! Se llaman Sheniqua, Lafonda, Lavandaria, Bashiba, y the late Quanitra. 1000th Ghost wondered why black names always end in an 'A'. (actually, she later found out that "Lafonda" was actually spelled "Lafawnduh", but is anyone out there actually caring? Didn't think so.)
"Ooh! You don and killed her!"
"Ooh! We is gonna whoop your butt!"
"We're the Butt Sisters!"
"I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!"
Everyone stopped and stared at her.
"What? Ain't Is allowed to join this heah club of stereotypical negro girlz?"
"Eh, what the heck, Prissy. Go ahead," 1000th Ghost agreed.
Prissy ran over to join the others.
"Now then, we is gonna whoop your-"
1000th Ghost decided that this was as good a time as any to have Pecklebob (sp?) come charging out of the conveniently placed forest. Then she got a better idea, made him run back into the forest, erased the forest, and put him in the sky.
"Hmm…" she thought, "but for it to be "men", I've got to make it plural."
She then placed Pecklebob (sp?)'s good friends kentuckyfriedcruelty . com and ( ) with him.
"Tallyeth hoeth, oldeth chumseth," said Pecklebob (sp?). "Howeth arteth thoueth doingeth?"
"Oh, same old same old," ( )replied. "People getting on my case because my name is the lack of a name. I mean sure, it makes it hard to sign stuff, but can you honestly think of a better name than ( )?"
"Noeth, Ieth can'teth sayeth thateth Ieth caneth," said Pecklebob (sp?). "Caneth youeth, kentuckyfriedcruelty . cometh?"
"SAVE THE CHICKENS! SAVE THE CHICKENS! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"And…" 1000th Ghost snapped her fingers. "Down you go!"
The three men fell screaming from the sky.
The black girls looked up in surprise, then gasped.
"IT'S RAININ' MEN! HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAININ' MEN! HALLELUJAH-"
"Yeah…my work here's done."
1000th Ghost turned around and was about to go off to who knows where, when she happened to glance down. "Awe, shoot! I forgot about the whole Dora thing, didn't I? Sorry, loyal readers!"
The loyal readers grumbled that they were not loyal and were in fact planning her assassination, but she was too busy to hear them.
"Now then…" 1000th Ghost snapped her fingers, and everything (except for her, of course) blew up. "Can't have a good story without a random explosion." She snapped her fingers again, and the oh-so-unfortunately-famous jungle from the oh-so-unfortunately-famous Dora the Explorer show appeared.
1000th Ghost then realized that she was about to run out of paper, which was quite sad considering she was on page fourteen and still hadn't reached the real story, but whatever.
After acquiring some fresh paper, taking out the trash, and finding her lost pencil (which, by the way, has dolphins on it), 1000th Ghost was ready to start her story.
Once upon a time, Dora the Explorer was happily running/skipping/cart-wheeling/whatever-it-is-that-she-does-ing down the hill with her best friend, Boots the monkey.
1000th Ghost suddenly made the revolutionary discovery that cart-wheeling is called cart-wheeling because the person's arms and legs look like the spokes of a cartwheel that's rolling! And the symbol for Target is a target! And Kanga and Roo are kangaroos! And doghouses are houses for dogs! And now she'll shut up!
"Bread, cheese, Pablo's mountain! Bread, cheese, Pablo's mountain!" Dora and Boots chanted, over and over. And over. And over. And over. And over. Half of the viewers killed themselves over the agony. But that was nothing compared to what came next. Oh, yes, they started to sing.
"Come on, vamanos! Everybody, let's go!" Dora sang in her extremely-annoying-happy-go-lucky-sunshine-and-rainbows-why-don't-you-go-hook-up-with-Lila-and-cover-the-world-in-a-cloud-of-big-headed-anime-minus-the-anime-goodness-already? voice.
"Come on, let's get to it!" Boots sang, wondering how he ever got stuck on this stupid show when he could be making millions being a talking monkey.
"I know that we can do it!"
Suddenly, from out of the oh-so-unfortunately-famous jungle, stepped a figure. She was dressed head to toe in a strange, black outfit that put goths everywhere to shame. Her pale face was decomposing on one side. The other side was bright red from the dripping blood that fell from the open wound on her forehead. She looked Dora straight in the eyes and spoke the three words that changed Dora's life.
"No, you can't."
The entire oh-so-unfortunately-famous jungle seemed to grow silent. Everyone was waiting to see Dora's reaction.
The change that came over her face was shocking. Her overly-big-glowing-happy eyes seemed to literally grow dimmer. Her let's-all-smile-isn't-life-wonderful? mouth transformed itself into a surprised circle. Then, slowly, very slowly, the corners of said mouth turned down until Dora, yes, Dora the Explorer, was frowning.
"NOOOOOOO!" she bellowed.
Darth Vader walked up to her and handed her his "Best Overly-Dramatic No" award.
"Here, you take it," he said, in between his heavy breathing.
1000th Ghost then paused and wondered if Darth Vader and Brainy could possibly be distantly related.
"You deserve it," Darth Vader continued, "your "no" was utterly inspiring."
Dora looked up into his heavily-masked face and saw nothing but cruelness, hatred, and, above all, a deep, profound evil. She fell madly in love. They kissed passionately.
"Hmm…" 1000th Ghost wondered, "what's weirder: Trisha's Red and Blue Sippy Cup and Zelda's passionate kiss or Darth Vader and Dora's? Eh, leave it for the reader to decide."
Dora then ripped off Boot's head, threw it to those instrument playing bug things that always come whenever they've completed a task, and watched while they hungrily devoured his flesh. Then she and Darth Vader blasted off to Star Wars World to begin their new life together.
1000th Ghost snapped her fingers and her corpse-like appearance melted away.
"Ah, the power of writing," she sighed, "speaking of which…" She snapped her fingers again, and Dora, wherever she was at the moment, promptly blew up. "Yeah…couldn't have the story end without that."
1000th Ghost suddenly realized that her story was twenty pages. She really has no life. She also was cramping up her hand. So she decided to stop. But first she had a surprise for Charlie.
1000th Ghost snapped her fingers…and Charlie was better! Yay! Okay…so it was just in a story…but at least in one world he was well again!
After all, in 1000th Ghost's perfect world where the sun is green, you can eat all you want without gaining a pound, and Teletubbies run wild and wreck havoc, anything is possible.
Oh, and 1000th Ghost used that "Sailor Moon" book for something to press down on while writing this entire story. So, you've got that going for you.