Ash and the Father's Day Smackdown
Longest oneshot I've made. Hehehe...(made Dawn's dad Crasher Wake)
Anyway, I only own Stephen and Joe. Not Pokemon.
A sunny day it was in Pallet Town. Fourteen year old Ash Ketchum sighed as he looked at the flyer that said, " Father's Day Smackdown - June 15th. " The hyperactive boy knew that Gary, Tracey, Brock, Misty, Dawn, Paul and their dads (or in Tracey's case, Professor Oak) would be at the competition, while Ash stood at home because his dad was a total douchebag. He had asked James, Lance, Spencer Hale, the mailman, and even Lt. Surge to be his temporary dad, but every one of them refused.
So, even though his mom , Delia, was thrilled, Ash still wanted to compete. On the day before the F- Day, Ash managed to get ahold of his father's number by MapQuest hacking.
" Okay, Pikachu. I'm pretty sure my dad's going to bitch me out like he did on St. Patrick's Day, but we have a good reason, right ? "
Pikachu shook his head. Ash glared at him, holding the phone. " Some friend you are, " he muttered, dialing the phone.
The phone rang for a few seconds before someone finally answered it. " Uh, hello ? " he said in a tenor voice.
Ash grinned. " Hi, Dad ! Are your world domination schemes destroyed yet ?! "
" Huh ? Uh, I'm not Giovanni. He went on vacation. "
" THAT SON OF A BITCH ! I KNEW HE WAS AN UNRELIABLE FATHER ! STUPID DOUCHEBAG EATI- "
O.o " Okay, then. Do you want to leave a message ? "
" No. You're a dude, though...right ? "
" Uh, yeah... "
" Can you do me a favor so I won't have to go joyriding in my dad's car again ? "
" Yeah...I guess so. I'm Sebastian. "
" All right. Can you tell him that Delia is having an affair with Professor Samuel Oak, and that they're going to do it at two in the morning tonight ? "
" ...sure. "
" Okay. And don't tell him you heard it from me. He won't believe you, then. "
" Fine. Bye. "
" Okay. Bye-bye. "
Ash hung up the phone and grinned evilly. " It's the only way. I've reassured myself. "
(2 : 00 a.m.)
" SAMUEL OAK, YOU GET OUT OF THAT GOTDAMN HOUSE RIGHT NOW ! I'M KICKING YOUR ASS ! I DIDN'T SAIL IN FROM SEAFOAM FOR NOTHING ! "
Ash got up from his bed and grinned. " I knew it. "
He went downstairs and opened the door to an enraged Giovanni, who held a sword in his hand. " Okay, where is that son of a bitch professor that you like so much ? "
" Oh. No, he's not here. "
" What do you mean ? "
" Oh, right. Yeah, I lied to your guy secretary. "
" You mea- "
" Yeah. In fact, Mom just turned him down again last Wednesday. So...hi, Dad. I'm sorry, but this was the only way to get you here. "
" I knew it ! So you made me come here at two in the morning for nothing, then ?! " Giovanni asked.
" No. It wasn't for nothing. I now know that you have a thing for Mom. "
" YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT ! "
" Well, I can, but if you don't want me telling her... "
-.- " I better have a damn good coffee. "
" Deal ! "
The two men walked inside the house where Ash grinned. " Okay. I'll be right back. Make sure not to destroy anything with your evil glare of doom. "
" I strongly despise you, Ash. "
" I strongly despise you, too, Dad. "
Ash went upstairs and pounded on his mother's door. " Yo, Mom. I was wondering if you can make some coffee. "
" I'M NOT MAKING COFFEE AT TWO IN THE MORNING ! NOW, GO TO BED ! "
The black haired boy shrugged. " Okay. Just asking. "
He went back downstairs and grabbed the coffee pot. Giovanni sweatdropped. " You sure you want to do this ? "
" Of course, Dad ! I don't have a problem with doing it ! "
" Okay, then... "
Five minutes later, Giovanni sniffed the air. " Uh, Ash ? What's burning ? "
" You don't want to know. Just be less...douchebaggy. "
" It's burning badly. What the hell did you do ?! "
" I didn't do anything. I'm telling the truth. "
Suddenly, the smoke alarms went off and running. Delia rushed downstairs with a fire extinguisher in her hands and started to douse the coffee pot. The burning machine sputtered and then died. She glared at Ash. " This is the fourth coffee pot you've destroyed this month. It's coming out of your money ! "
" It's not my fault that I hurt every culinary machine that I touch, Mom. It's natural. "
" YOU JUST HAD TO WAKE ME UP ! YOU NEED TO GO TO BED ! "
Ash shrugged. " Fine. "
Giovanni stifled a laugh. " Hehehe...you got in trouble. "
Delia whacked her ex - husband in the head with her rolled up newspaper. "And you ! I don't care how the hell you got here, but quit making fun of our son ! "
" He started it, though ! " Giovanni hissed, pointing to Ash.
" Well, if you wouldn't have been on vacation, I wouldn't have had to use extreme measures ! "
" You little ba- "
WHACK ! WHACK !
" I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT ! " Delia roared. " You two better stop it right now, or I will get Ash's Pikachu on both of you ! Do you understand ! "
" Yes, ma'am, " both men muttered.
Delia smiled sweetly. " Okay. Now go to bed, you two. Or you'll face the wrath of my mallet. "
" Uh, Mom ? I didn't know you had a mallet... " Ash trailed off.
" Mm-hm. I bought it at K-Mart last week. It was on sale ! "
Giovanni facefaulted. Delia giggled as she went back to her room. Ash pointed his finger at his dad. " Hehehe...you got yelled by Mom. "
" You got yelled by her first. "
" Yeah, but I'm her son. "
" You're such a pest. Now leave me alone. "
" Okay, Dad. Make sure you don't hurt yourself. "
Ash snickered as he went upstairs. Giovanni pounded the nearest couch cushion. " I hate my life, " he muttered.
The next morning, Ash woke up, grinning. Instead of bugging his Pikachu, he crept downstairs where his dad was passed out on the floor. " Yo, Dad, " he whispered. " Daaad. It's time to get up, nooby. Daaaaaad ! "
He poked Giovanni, who swatted the air with a hand. Ash rolled his eyes as he grabbed a pillow and whacked Giovanni's head with it very hardly. The man immediately woke up and glared at Ash. " What the hell do you want ! It's 5 A.M. ! "
" Well, you wake around this time, anyway. "
" And I usually don't stay up until two o' clock in the morning, either ! "
Ash shrugged. " Eh. Anyway, now that you're up, I can tell you about the event today that's made for dads ! "
" God, if it's that gay paintball competition, it's a flat - out no. "
" There's a paintball competition on Father's Day ? "
" Uh...just forget about it. "
" Oh. No, I meant the competition in Viridian, " Ash said, handing Giovanni the flyer. "
" ' June 15th, where kiddy and daddy compete for the mac-daddy of all prizes, the Donut Grammy ?! ' You get a doughnut for winning ?! That is screwed up ! How the hell is a doughnut a prize ?! "
" Lack of resource. Oh, and they're trying their business to kids instead of fat people now. "
" I'm not going. "
" WHAT ?! "
" I'm not competiting for a gotdamn doughnut, Ash ! "
" Yeah, but I guess that Gary will rub it in my face. "
Giovanni gave a shifty look and then turned to Ash. " What the hell do you mean ? "
" Only that Gary and his dad will be competiting. But, I guess if you don't want to do it, Dad, we can alwa..."
" I've got the car started ! " Giovanni yelled. " You get the waffles out of the freezer ! "
Ash sweatdropped. " Well, at least it worked. "
A few hours later in Viridian City, kids and fathers alike were all standing talking to people. Ash was talking to his friends.
" So, guys ! Did you bring your dads (and the Professor) ? " Ash teased.
Brock grinned. " Yeah. In fact, they're all over at the tree. "
He pointed to an oak tree, where Stephen Oak, Professor Oak, Flint, Misty's dad, Joe, Crasher Wake, and Cyrus of Team Galactic were all chatting. Gary snickered. " So, where's your dad, Ash ? "
" Uh, he's throwing stones at that package of coconuts. "
Misty sweatdropped. " Ash, we all know that your dad is mentally insane, but why is he smashing coconuts ? "
" I think he's allergic. "
Paul shrugged. " Eh. My dad sings songs from Aqua when no one is around. Drives Reiji insane, which gives me feelings of sadistic glee. "
Dawn smacked Paul. " You need anger control classes. Anyway, Ash, are you sure that's your dad ? I mean, I know my dad's a fat Lucha Libre dude, but...are you positive that's your dad ? "
Ash blushed. " I made him take seven D.N.A. tests. They were all positive, and I still didn't believe him. Then, I heard thumping in Mom's bedroom, which , not only scarred me in my dreams, but it sadly proved the truth. "
Everyone sweatdropped. Tracey choked on his sandwich. " Whoa. Ash - why is your dad arguing with that guy ?! "
Ash turned around to see Giovanni trying to grab a chicken leg from the announcer in charge of the games. " NOOOOO ! MY CHICKEN ! GIVE IT BAAAACK ! "
The black haired man blushed furiously. " Son of a b- Dad ! Don't do that ! He's the announcer ! "
Giovanni glared at Ash. " I don't care if he's Frank Sinatra - he's a stupid retard that has a Charlie Brown hairstyle ! "
Ash groaned. The announcer huffed. " Well, just for that, you're banned for the first five competitions ! "
" You've got to be kidding me ! " Ash exclaimed. " Punish my dad, not me ! He did it ! Let him be the target for darts ! "
" Don't you dare sell me out, Red ! " Giovanni hissed. " I'll tell your mother that it was you that ate the entire chocolate cake that one day ! "
Ash stomped his foot. " Damn it, Dad, you're so gay ! "
The announcer cleared his throat. " Okay. Both of you just shut up. "
" Fine, " Ash muttered.
As the competitions went on, Ash kept glaring at Giovanni. " Why do you ruin my life ?! "
" Why do you act as immature as a three year old ? " Giovanni retorted.
" ' Cause I want to. "
" Well, hand me some of that popcorn. "
" No way. I bought it. "
Giovanni scowled. " Damn it, respect your elders for once and give me some freakin' popcorn ! "
" Never ! "
The older man tackled Ash, and soon enough father and son were attacking each other with pieces of popcorn. A crowd soon gathered. The announcer's jaw dropped. " Good gravy, quit acting like you're Sasuke and Itachi ! "
" He won't give me his popcorn ! " Giovanni whined.
" And he won't shut the hell up about it ! " Ash added.
" Don't make me call security ! " the announcer roared.
" Eh. I'll take that risk, " Giovanni muttered.
Ash grinned. " Hey, dude ! You can call my mom ! She'll take care of i- "
" Okay, we'll stop, " Giovanni said, giving a nervous chuckle as he clamped his hand over Ash's mouth.
" Fine. One more strike and both of you are eliminated. "
The announcer stepped away and Ash glared at his dad. " Ge ur han' uff of me rie noo ! " he mumbled.
" Fine. I'm glad I got that tetanus shot just last week. "
Finally, the last event was underway, which was the most points and would enable anybody to grab first place. Ash and his dad's score was - 2, having smacked Crasher Wake with a tennis racket in the head and spilling blood over Professor Oak's t-shirt.
The event was called the Father's Day Smackdown. All the dads that were still conscious would compete in a fighting arena. Since only seven dads were still in that state , everyone had decided against the preliminaries.
So, in the arena, Stephen, Samuel (the Professor), Flint, Joe, Crasher Wake, Cyrus, and Giovanni had all survived. All the dads were grinning (even Cyrus, who was a bit demented), except Giovanni, who still kept his sour scowl. Ash and his friends sweatdropped. Misty sighed. " Ash, your dad has got to be the most fury-filled dad I have ever met. "
" Yeah, I know. Not even Paul's dad can cut the cake. "
Paul gave an emo glare. " Thanks for reminding me, Ketchum. "
Gary snickered. " Eh. My dad will still kick your dad's ass ! "
" No way ! Like Misty said, my dad is the most fury-filled. "
" And the most stupid, " Gary muttered.
" Hey ! That incident with the Sudowoodo was planned ! "
Dawn tapped the two boys' shoulders. " Quiet ! It's starting ! "
The announcer smiled. " Okay ! The final competition will let anybody win this thing (even Mr. Ketchum) ! Anything goes ! "
He tapped a bell. Immediately Giovanni waved to Ash. " Hey ! Come on and give me a hand ! Let's show these dumb - asses who has the reckless streak ! "
" Sure, Pops ! "
Ash raced down to the field. Everyone sweatdropped. Tracey's eyes bulged. " Uh, is that legal ? "
" Anything goes, " Gary muttered.
The six kids sighed just as Delia came with a picnic basket and Pikachu. " Hi, kids ! What's going on ? " she asked.
" Uh, Ash and Mr. Ketchum are about to wreak havoc, " Brock replied.
" Oh...did Ash just hit the Professor in the head with a wiffle ball bat ?! "
" No, Miss Ketchum, that was a baseball bat, " Gary said.
Delia sweatdropped. " Yeah...I knew I should have stayed at home. Or lied to Ash that his dad was killed by the military for stealing frozen yogurt. "
Back in the field, Ash and Giovanni were having a good time beating the crap out of everyone else (except Stephen, who reluctantly forfeited the match and saved his life from head injury). Ash had managed to knock out Professor Oak, Cyrus, Joe, and Crasher Wake, while Giovanni was dealing with Flint, who was the only other person to damage people. " Come on, already ! Injure ! " Giovanni shouted, hitting Flint with a giant sword again.
The mulitracial father shook his head. " No ! I have fourteen kids to support ! I won't back of- "
Flint went back a bit, accidentally stabbing himself in the chest with the sword, and died. As all fourteen kids started bawling, including Brock, Ash and Giovanni were declared the winners.
" Okay, I hate to say it, but...the Ketchum group wins, " the announcer angrily muttered.
Ash grinned. " Yay ! I'm sooooo smartical ! And everything turned out coolio ! "
Brock whimpered. " My dad died, " he moaned, bawling his eyes out again.
" Oh, don't act like such a whimp, Brock. Flint died in battle. "
Brock, rejected by society, left the scene.
Meanwhile, Giovanni was in a chipper mood for the first time that day. He grinned as he practically held the box of doughnuts in Delia's face . " Wow. Who knew that a competition would improve my self - esteem ? " he asked Delia.
" Eh. Your fondness of hurting people, I guess, " Delia muttered, rolling her eyes.
" Yeah, that's what attracts the ladies, " Giovanni said, winking.
" You mean me and Blondie. "
" I guess so... "
Delia sighed. " So, now that the madness has escaped your system (temporarily) , maybe we can go out for din-
Ash walked towards his parents. " Hey, Mom. Hi, Cassanova. "
Giovanni put a hand to his forehead. " Uh, hi, Ash. "
" Are you glad we won ? "
" I am not glad at anythi - (glare)...except that we...bonded...and that your mother and I were about to plan a dinner date..."
" Oh. Does this interfere with your emodouche title ? "
-.- " No. Now excuse me while I eat this doughnut. "
Ash shrugged. " Fine with me. "
No sooner had Giovanni taken a bite out of the tasty treat when he started scratching his arm. " Oh, son of a bitch. That was coconu- ITCHY ! ITCHYYYYY ! "
Ash grinned. " Hehehe...I forgot to mention that I told the announcer that you were allergic to coconuts. That's for blackmailing me. "
The boy grinned and ran away from his father's impending wrath. Giovanni fell to the ground, scratching himself crazily. Delia sighed. " Um, we're going to have dinner late. I'll get the lotion. "
" So...we're back to hating each other ? " Ash asked.
" GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME ! " the itchy Giovanni roared.
" No problem. Have fun with Mom, Itchy. "
As Ash left the room, he grinned. " Hehehe...I switched the lasagna with coconut shrimp. "
" NOOOOO ! NOT AGAIN ! ITCHYYYYYYYY ! "
" Yeah...I better go now. "
And so as Ash left his house, he smiled to himself. It was the best Father's Day to date.