There was a terror found in seeing reality bare and stripped of colors. Pigments easily blurred and rubbed to fade into the background. It was always hard to see when one depended on the temper of the sun. Now it was night, the colors had quieted down, and the screams of the day had lost its cause.
Night was always so comforting. It was a time for sleep, a time to temporarily die until the light came back again. At night my legs were merely attached to my body, having no purpose but to rest. The blanket rolled in small bundles and I wrapped the other half over my body. It was a somber summer night so it was not too cold. The warm air welcomed exposed skin but I refused its offer.
My mind wanted rest but my body complained over little discomforts. The blanket was too hot; the air was too bare. My pillow was too high or too hard. My back needed a new position every thirty seconds and my legs writhed with pain from the long mission I just came back from.
Strong blinds were placed over the windows to block the moon from glaring its light into the room. At night my room was a solid black. But still I could not stop the few light from creeping into through the slits of the blinds. White lines clashed with the blind and refused to blend in.
I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to pass over my eyes. But always an unknown force kept getting them to open; they glazed vaguely over the surface of my blanket under my cheek and the black wall as a backdrop. I had been like this for an hour.
There were things keeping me awake and I was caught in a trap where there were at least two exits. One was to force myself into a deep asleep and forget everything that happened today, or to sort through the memories and form the rough shape of a solution.
I chose to try to go to sleep, but the memories sifted through anyway.
The training ground was a circular field with tall, full trees, impenetrable from sight from the outside, surrounding the circumference. The training ground had two dirt openings; one to the north which lead back to the village, and the other to the south, which lead to the forest. At the center of the large field was pure dirt, a simple piece of land for any form of training needed. This was where he confronted me.
Let me help you, he said. Here was Naruto, trying once again to convince me to see things his way.
There's nothing you could do.
Come on now, he said. Stop being stupid. You have friends that care about you. You don't need to live in the past..
He said, your parents wouldn't want you to throw your life away. They would want you to live your life.
And where did you get this piece of information? I wanted to ask him but didn't.
He said , I know what happened hurt and it was wrong. But I learned to live through the pain, Neiji and Gaara – and then he said something about them. But I wasn't Neiji and Gaara so there was no point in listening.
He told me to listen to him.
No, I said forcefully and turned away from him. It was time I headed back.
He yelled out for me to stop. I remembered this clearly. I had sighed, my shoulders sagging, already as heavy as lead, as I turned my head over my shoulder to get one last good look at him. I looked closely, and to my disbelief, I saw that his eyes were rimmed with tears. They were tears yearning for a different sort of dream, I liked to imagine, but still he could not wake up from this one. He bared his fangs out in self defense, feeling all too well his vulnerability. One foot stepped forward, but I gave him a glare that ordered him to stand still. He was not going to come after me. He stayed in his place, but his one foot forward did not move back. It was trembling.
I wanted to feel bad for hurting him but couldn't. A stab of resentment took its place, mixing with any sort of pity I could feel for him. He should have seen that there was nothing he could do. Consoling him was a frivolous wish in which he was part of the problem. It was better just to leave him. He would realize his mistakes soon enough.
Naruto was the quintessential light that everyone expected to see. A runt rising from the ashes to become equal to a fellow human being. He smiled through all the cuts and burns on his skin to show that he had overcome adversity. A beautiful sight, everyone had played along with it.
If I had let him into my life. No, that was not possible. His vision of light and darkness was better left in a fairy tale. He was the sort of beauty that could never suit my own way of life. His form could not weld into my own.
Death was not always met with rebirth, but he seemed to think so.
I was rambling. That was not good. I rolled over to my side and closed my eyes hard. The tension and stress made it painful keeping them closed. For the past month I've had trouble sleeping. There was always something on my mind.
I was sick and tired of old thoughts, always wearing me away. It was time for rest, a moment of escape I could appreciate only when my eyes opened and it had ended.
But the nights were never complete without a reminder of him, drifting into my consciousness, boring a hole into my subconscious. His image wherever I go, in the mirror, a perfect replication looking back at me with sordid eyes and a mouth that was dragged down by the heaviness of the days and nights. The mystery of his actions repeated over and over again in a tiring circle. I looked at it from every angle; I looked at it from the same angle at least three times. But still I could not figure it out; it always eluded me.
Those eyes that could pierce through any mind, haunted me day and night, always. He would never leave me alone, and I was not sure if I wanted him to. But I had already decided to give my whole life to his purpose. So give me some time to rest, please. There would be time tomorrow to figure out where you were and why you were there.
A sudden draft swept over the room and it was cold. The air outside cooled the stagnation in the small room. It was easier to breath now. I wrapped the blanket more closely around me to balance out its warmth with the cool breeze outside, and sleep came easier for me.
Blackness. It came without notice.
Blue sky blue, so perfect. I looked up round and round me and expected to see wholeness in a light simple thing. Completeness. Wholeness. I did not feel it. Instead my circle was disrupted by a dark bleeding purple that tinted the edges of the sky.
I was at the center of Konoha village. Walking forward, I tried to get closer to the dark and malignant purple, moving with my eyes always on the sky.
I was now standing on the outskirt of town, at the borderline between light blue and heavy purple. I looked farther off to the purple sky and saw that its domain expanded farther than the simple blue. At the boundary line, blue and red was separating and mixing, forming shades of purple that swarmed the sky, like plasma waiting to consume us. The purple ink wandered outside the village and never trespassed the boundary line to pass over the village. Blue sky blue. Perfect blue, but it paled in comparison to the vivid colors mixing and changing just outside the boundary line.
I looked out at the vast expanse and saw that the land beyond was dry and cracked, with dead cactus sinking into the fissures. The land in the village, however, had rich grass and little yellow flowers peaking up from the green. Another strange contrast.
Further off I saw a white nimbus shining with a golden light form in the gloomy purple sky. Black clouds were shrouding it, trying to envelop it. A black hurricane was churning right under it, sucking in the air and taking all of life with it. But the gold light remained strong, penetrating the eye of the storm, perhaps even the ground itself. But this did not stop it from killing. The hurricane was violating the land, engulfing the dust and bits of life into its violent storm.
Then I noticed that in front of the hurricane was a hill, slightly lower than the roofs of the towns and shops, uncomfortably close to the border of the village, uncomfortably close to me. I suddenly realized with horror. It seemed to impose authority on me, and the thought of backing away came to mind. But I remained firm and took a deep breath to calm myself down. When I looked again at the hill, I saw that on top of the hill was a man, silhouetted in black with red crimson eyes watching me. For a long time I remained fixed by him, this man who was glaring at me. It was as if he wanted something from me. He wanted me to come with him, I remembered then, somehow from a past dream or memory.
I knew then that on the other side of the village was this same boundary line, complete in a circle, and outside that line was this same purple sky, taking control of the world. I could sneak away from the village and go anywhere but here. I knew then that the village was small, the vast amounts of dry, cracked land was endless. This was an option. But I never looked at the western border, because I was now at the east, and east was where I wanted to go. North, south, they were on the same category to me as the west. It was not where I was supposed to go. East. Forever east. He wanted to take me there.
My thoughts were interrupted when a tumble of voices called for me to return.
I turned around and felt my lower body sink into the ground. I did not bother to look down, instead I focused on the
sparse white clouds that were floating on that peaceful sky where below the villagers were gathered to stop me. Every villager was there, every runny nosed kid, every white haired fool, every bouncing girl, every school teacher, business owner, parent, aunt and uncle was there to tell me that I was important. They were crowded together, watching me with their famished eyes.
"Sasuke - kun, please stay. We baked some bread for you," a woman in her mid fourties, dressed in rags, raised a silver platter with bread on it for me.
"Sasuke - kun, there are some new jutsus I wanted to show you," Iruka smiled at me. His scar across his nose seemed wider and thicker.
"Sasuke, you and I are best friends. Friends are the most important thing in the world. You can't give that up." Naruto had emerged from the center crowd and was in battle stance, prepared to stop me if I tried to run away.
"Sasuke - kun, at night we always dream of you. Please don't go." Sakura was trying to look and small and cute, her shoulders were hunched to her body and her hands were balled in little fists under her chin. A group of girls behind her did the same thing.
I looked back over my shoulder to see the man on the hill. He looked down at me with his red burning eyes. His eyebrows were arched upwards in anger and impatience. I looked at him and hoped that he could understand my message: "Be patient. I'm waiting to come to you."
He nodded his head once and continued to look at me. A wave of relief came over me. He understood.
I looked over the hill and straight towards the hurricane, looking carefully at the swarm of black and gray churning round the center. I could not see the beam of light anymore. It had disappeared into the storm; and the golden nimbus was mixing with the ash and smoke. Still, what was left of the white cloud remained strong. Only, only there was so little of it left.
Lightning erupted from the black clouds and cracked more fissures on the ground. Death was coming closer.
I turned around and faced the village again. These people, I could not just ignore them. I had to stop them one way or another. I stepped forward to them, no longer afraid. I was going to do what I should have done from the beginning.
My eyes opened out to the world and it was just a dark ceiling. I sat up, shocked that I was now in an empty room when before...I should go back to sleep now. It was night and there were still many hours left. The minutes passed by in unbearable silence.
Another hour passed.
The quiet ended when a storm began to rage outside. The storm had come suddenly, with no transition of soft rain as a warning. The single window that was open poured water and wind into my room, causing the screen to flutter heavily.
Rain pounded onto the earth and wind pushed past the walls of buildings as a challenge to its strength. A draft forced its way into my room and shook the blinds up and down, slamming it repeatedly against the window sill.
Half asleep and half awake, I thought about how the blanket could not keep my warm. There was not enough heat trapped inside. The storm outside was worse than the strange quiet. And sleep seemed once again impossible. But I had to put myself into the right mindset. I must pretend that the air was now a welcoming presence, that the light air was caressing my neck and shoulders, cooling the hot tensity that grabbed hold of my body, and letting gravity to slowly bring me down again to a dreamless sleep.
If I could, I would stay in this stage of life forever. Forever asleep; nothing could hurt me.
I felt a living presence by me in the darkness. It felt warm like an old companion I never had. Obeying my whims like a dream, I edged nearer to that phantom presence and placed a leg over him and nestled my head onto his chest. I sensed his breath, louder than mine, but much calmer. It lulled me in my sleep.
My eyes ached with the need for rest and they refused to open up to see the presence near me. But I knew it had to be a figment of my imagination, a wish - fulfillment for a man I badly wanted but couldn't have. So I welcomed his body over mine, smothering me, as I opened up my thighs and arms for him, enjoying the course of this sweet dream.
And he would whisper sweet words into my ear, offering me words I had thought I knew the meanings of. And it all felt so real that I began to beg, with a few abrupt sighs, hissing small words. Immediately, I latched my arms and legs around him. Give me more...I was begging him, and I wasn't going to accept no without a struggle. I imagined that the strong legs of this man was just the rustling of the blanket between my legs. His soft lips were mere silk gliding over my face.
He touched me as if he owned me, every part of my body was his by right. My whole body and mind gave up to him so that the smoldering passion between us could ignite, a communion between the secret sinners that remembered why they had given up on the light. He was a companion I had long wanted, and he had finally come, from what dark recess in my mind I did not know. Our thoughts were flowing in an enticing stream, taking shape in the passage of time.
It was getting too hot, so I took off my robe and threw it onto the ground, not caring where it landed. I could feel his eyes penetrating the darkness to see every part of me. Immediately I went back to embracing him and continuing our dark ritual. Bare flesh met the cloth of rough skin and created friction. It felt so good to feel so much. Our bodies moved in a slow rhythm, a motion that drew breaths and pants from our lips.
I wanted more of him. I wanted to feel every intensity of this passing dream. His hot tongue so enticing, it made me forget every rational thought, and he easily beguiled his way into my mouth. The moisture, that enraptured me so, forcing me to tremble, was so sharp to my senses that I realized that the silk wrapped around me was alive. It had moisture and heat slipping through my whole body and taking me away from where I had long hid. It was reality shared with another human being. It was a man in my bedroom and that draft earlier was his entrance.
My heart began to beat louder and heavier, because this was not a harmless passion. I thought of escape and he reacted by grabbing hold of my wrists and slamming them down on the bed over my head.
"Shh. Shh. There's nothing to be afraid of."
"Who are you?" I demanded in a hoarse whisper. I had expected my voice to be louder.
A ghastly smirk dawned his lips and his grasp on my wrists grew tighter. Then he sank down into me and ate me alive.
The sheets rustled beneath us. Hot lust was on our lips as we caressed each other's wet tongue, riding in and out of each other's mouths. I could not believe this. This was by definition rape. A man was forcing me to submit to him. And I was not struggling enough to stop him.
I opened up my eyes and by then he was already on top of me. He kissed me hungrily on the lips as he grinded into me, pressing his member against my own. Even then I wanted to explode. His sweetness, his amorous lust. I never knew such a thing existed before.
I placed my palm over his smooth chest and glided it down, slowly, down to his mid - abdomen and stopped. It was lean and smooth; it both yielded and remained firm.
He explored my whole body. Licking the edge of my ear, nibbling on the small of my neck, biting and suckling the tip of my nipple, making me squirm for more. He stroked my long torso up and down as he kissed me, going slow and deep, making me ache for a wicked pleasure that was controlling my mind.
I wanted to feel his hard neck. I felt the long strands of his hair, like silk or soft water flowing down between my fingers. I saw his hair, strewn over his shoulders, wild and unkempt. I liked seeing how it was slick with oil and sweat, dirty yet beautiful. I pressed his hair between the tip of my index and thumb, just enough so that I could feel the sensation of his hair, sleek and oily, wild with sex.
I was licking every piece of flesh I could have, tasting the salt and warmth of his neck. The musky smell of sweat and dirt lingering in the air, permeating in our own breaths, warming me and burning me inside.
He came from afar, for he smelled of exotic soil intertwined with the sting of morning grass. His skin tasted bitter, but it was a taste that soon turned salty and sweet on the tip of my tongue. His arms were taut and thick, perfected in the form of a soldier. This man, what was he doing here? There was not a battlefield nearby; the war raged elsewhere - and then the smell made sense.
He was from the desert.
He had just journeyed to Konoha, and I was probably one of his first visits.
His exotic taste was spice to my senses. With just a few taste and touches I created his story. I knew nothing about him, but his world was merging into my own.
I was awakening to a new height where every touch mattered, every thought, every act of cowardice. Nothing was left outside of this scope. Nothing could escape this cycle where the center was connected to everything. We were melting the barriers that kept our bodies apart, pressing against each other as if this act alone could save us from ourselves.
Who was this man? Who could embody my whole vision of perfection in a vague shadow? His body felt so familiar against mine that it was painful.
I looked sharply at his face - his face I wanted to see it. I squinted my eyes to see more sharply and found that he wore a mask. Only his lips were exposed, lush and shining white from the moonlight. Disappointment weighed down on my chest before leaving as soon as it came. I had to accept this, I told myself, I had wanted to know him, be intimate with him, but now I must accept this without question.
He sat up and looked down at me, thinking about something I could not guess. I looked up at him, my neck slightly arched up to get a good view of his mask. The desire to see his face was so strong now that I thought of ripping the mask off myself. But I remained still, watching him, waiting for him to make his next move. His eyes, they were dark and penetrating me.
A cold draft pounded into my room and flew the papers on my desk away, causing them to flutter in a frantic motion before collapsing on the ground,
"Take off your pants." he ordered me in harsh breaths.
I froze for a few seconds, remembering the nagging voice that said reality had rules that dreams often ignored. This man was real. This bed, the quick stomps of my fearful heart, the eyes stripping me of all my barriers, they were real.
I slipped the pants off slowly, watching as it rode down my legs, as it inched away from revealing myself whole to him. I stopped then, hesitating to move on. Perhaps there was enough time to stop this, change the course. But then he grabbed my hand and pulled it down himself. Before I could pull it back up he engulfed my whole length into his mouth and started licking and sucking lavishly.
I groaned from the sudden rush of physical pleasure and my hand dropped to the side. My body was limp and open, like a white canvas, for any experiment he might try on me. Deep colors of red splashed over my eyes as they were closed shut, trying my best to pretend that this was the surreal.
His tongue moved up and down, licking the side before going up the tip to plant it a kiss. Then he went back down, wrapping his tongue to the side. His eyes were always on me, looking at me as if he was the devil sent with a purpose. And I knew exactly what he wanted, but was I willing to give up myself just like that? I was needing, crying for him to suck on me harder. And he was watching me, my every action, wanting to see.
Perfect submission perhaps.
His face was becoming more and more flushed with sweat as he heard me groan louder. He gave out sweet moans as he sucked and pumped the length deeper and harder into his mouth. I felt my pre – cum dripping inside of him, mixing with his warm saliva. He was becoming enamored over how hard I was getting. It became an irresistible treat. He had to suck and lick harder and hear me scream out with all the power he had over me. It was a form of ecstasy for him; it was a drug that gave him a natural high.
I grabbed onto my own soaking hair to stop myself from breaking apart. I slicked the strands through my fingers, letting the heat and oil intoxicate me.
He cupped my balls in one hand and placed his face between them, licking the sides and center and sending me in spasms of pleasure, as he pumped my erection with another hand. The double pleasure was too much and I had to suppress myself from exploding. I tried to push back the pleasure but it came back and attacked harder, erupting my whole body. I knew I was going to come soon and I closed my eyes to give in to the moment, even though I didn't want it to end.
Then he stopped.
"It's my turn now."
He kneeled between my legs and began to remove his clothes. His shirt and pants easily came off and I was stunned with his beauty. He revealed himself to me with no trace of shame or embarrassment. Instead his body was taut with pride, like a young Apollo facing the battlefield with a calm demeanor, his sword ready to draw blood, his bow and arrow ready to slice through the heart of any opponent. My mouth watered with saliva and I had to gulp it down before moving closer to him.
He forced me to kneel down on all fours as he pulled my head forward to take in his whole length in my mouth. I almost choked when his tip pushed against the back of my throat.
And with that one word, I obeyed him and sucked as hard as I could while pumping his erection in and out, going faster as I got more used to the process. His erection slipping in and out made me groan and burn for more of this sinfulness. I enjoyed every part of this new sensation, the way he at times gently caressed my hair and at other times he would grab a fistful of it and massaged it across my scalp, groaning as he pulled me closer. There were times when he was so violent he made me want to scream, and at other times he was so kind and soothing, just the way I imagined a perfect brother would be.
His hands guided me and told me what he wanted. I followed the orders of his hands, when they wanted to go faster, slower, rougher, softer. It all felt too good.
When he had had enough, he pulled my head away gently and let his erection slide out easily. Then he tipped my chin and gave me a warm, smothering kiss, like a dismal lullaby beckoning me to close my eyes and dream of nightmares.
I laid on the bed as if waiting for sleep to come. But sleep was impossible while he was kissing me all over my forehead down to my eyelids. I would turn my head from side to side and he would simply follow. Every inch of my face he would take in my scent and exhale a breath of hot air before moving on. At my cheeks he began to lick me all over, sliding down to my neck and further to my shoulders, where he caressed the joints lovingly with his hands. It made my body shiver with aching desire.
His hands began to roam, everywhere it wanted to go. They slipped under my back and over my stomach, moving at its own unsteady pace, until finally one of the hands went down between my thighs and started to caress me rougher than usual, until finally I could not keep quiet anymore.
"That's a good boy. I like hearing you moan and pant for my touch. I want to hear more of you."
"Don't worry. I won't keep you waiting for long. I just need you to endure a little pain."
He began by moving my legs wide apart and placing my ankles over his shoulder.
I liked having my legs apart, with the cool air pressing against my hot member. I felt exposed but unafraid as he slicked two of his fingers with his tongue and slid them into my hole. My head was then hit by a dizzying spell. The pain was enough to make me want to lose consciousness. He was thrusting into me faster and faster, with no worry over hurting me. And I craved for it so much it became an addiction, this pain that was throbbing in me. I've never been this intimate with a person before, and if this was what intimacy was, it tore me open, piercing me and demanding me to be exposed. It was like a knife cutting open an old wound.
He told me then that his erection was now swollen with blood and dripping with pre – cum. He was getting excited. He wanted to fuck me so bad it was hard to wait.
My member ached painfully for a pleasure I did not know yet.
At some point he removed his fingers and I was able to breath again. He drew in as much oxygen into my lungs as possible. It was as though he had choked me, suppressing any air from going through, and now I could relax again, live calmly again, but only for a few seconds.
I bit on my bottom lip softly at first, then harder as I felt his hard, swollen erection entering me, piercing me, breaking me open. Deeper and harder, it grew painful, penetrating me. But I wanted him, so much so that my heart began to ache. This secret I could never tell him.
It was all so primitive. We were animals going after our basest instincts. We had forgotten what it meant to be human. Circumstances, situations, what did these empty words mean to us? So we rolled and wrestled with our own desires on a confined bed, tracing the lines on our bodies and counting the ways we could find sustenance in each other.
My face was flushed with blood and sweat. Please...I wished you could read my mind so I wouldn't have to speak. But it was no use. Uhh...more...I'm begging...the pleasure drowned out my sinking voice and only moans and small cries could be heard. It stole most of my breath away and left little for words.
Please! And he began to understand my plea. He started thrusting his erection harder and harder against my walls, hitting that sweet, intimate spot over and over again.
Uhh...it was too much.
I was left gasping for air, my own hair hot and damp. The pleasure was blinding me to everything I knew before. Nothing mattered but this moment. I wrapped my hands over my hair, entwining the strands around my fingers.
"I want to... see your face..." I whispered in short gasps between the rush for pleasure and the rush for an end.
He stopped thrusting then. His body grew rigid, as if in hard thinking, and finally he made a decision. He lifted his left hand from my thigh and swiped the mask off.
Lightning flashed white and seared through the room with a striking vision. My brother's face was looking down at me with no emotions, his body on top of mine, dominating me, taking control of me.
Illusions were always twisting into fine lines between reality and dreams. But I knew my eyes had not betrayed me from afar. The image was too striking to be my imagination. And even if this was just a sick dream, I did not want to be a part of it. So I moved my arms to push my upper body back and was met with hard resistance. He would not let me go. Instead he kept a tight grip on my legs and kept me in place.
"Itachi..." I cried in my blindness, my legs were still clasped tightly onto him.
"Shh. Shh. Keep pretending that I'm a dream. Then you won't know that I was always here, waiting for you."
The exotic, the strange, he had become my brother. My own blood coursing through his veins was the stranger I had wanted.
Blackness came again and so I was left in the dark with an enlightened vision. But it was the sort of knowledge I didn't want. I placed my hands over his face as he continued to penetrate me and felt his hard features, his jaws, nose, eyes, cheekbones, feeling with a crushing desire how much I had wanted this man, knowing yet refusing to know that this was my brother, Itachi. I tried to block out the name from my head but couldn't. It was better when his face was unknown to me, at least then it would truly feel like a dream, and not a sordid reality that I had to either seize or die under its pressure.
I was never allowed to touch him like this before. No amount of hatred every got me this close to him. And because of my weakness, I was not going to stop him; I didn't want to. There was no light to show us our own act. We could feel and feel and never know that we have sinned. This was the lie I told myself.
And he would not listen to me even if I begged him. He had only one goal in mind, like a machine, he refused to be distracted by anything that took him away from his goal. His arms held firmly onto my thighs, keeping them wide apart. He knew that I was not going to resist, but still he kept a tight hold.
I raised my neck slightly up and saw his abdomen, tight and strong, a mold of perfection. Sweat trickled down onto his abs, reminding me of the wetness that was slicking inside of me.
I took in a deep breath and let my head fall back onto the pillow.
And so we writhed on top of the sheets, the blanket pushed aside; my shame shielded by his own naked body. We twisted and turned, locking and unlocking our cruel secrets to one another. Our thighs glided onto the other's; our sweat became one, melting and dripping between us, our heat smoldering and becoming one dull flame.
The sounds of the outside world was becoming inaudible to me. Our breaths, the movements of our body on my single bed became all the sound in the world.
Time moved to whatever pace we wanted. The intensity was all that mattered. I knew of no other purpose, but to feel. But to touch and to know for the first time what it meant to live without rules or boundaries. Any boundaries set between us were now broken.
I gripped onto his arms and felt his firm muscles. The touch of his strong arms excited me despite my shame. There were the arms of a man who had the whole world in fear of him. It was only at this moment did I dare to admire him for his perfect cruelty. This was a man who wanted to control all of the forces of the world, and he had already pulled me into his plan, forcing me to follow his rules. And I only wanted to live in this world with him. Nothing else mattered to me anymore.
Had I said this before? It felt so familiar.
He was still squeezing onto my thighs tightly as he thrusted harder and harder into me, so I knew that no escape was possible. But I didn't want to run away. I was tired of running, always in a circle, in the wrong direction, forever and ever on a paved road leading nowhere.
And once again. He stopped. These moments were now agony to me. Let us complete what we have done. These endings will leave me incomplete if we don't. Like missing fragments I can never find. I wanted to yell at him.
But instead I stayed quiet as he repositioned both of us on the bed. This time he laid on the bed, and I was left sitting by his side. He leaned against my pillow and bed frame and beckoned me with his finger to come to him. I crawled over on top of him and straddled onto his lap. Our bodies were now locked into a single entity, and our eyes saw clearly the other's passion, waiting to be unleashed in the motion of our body. We kissed each other lustfully then, embracing each other in hopes that the turmoil within us would find some form of peace.
Then he stopped me from kissing him and looked at me straight in the eyes.
"Sasuke, it's your turn now."
He kissed me tenderly once more on the lips. I was a bit confused. What did he expect from me?
"I trust you."
Trust, that was something I was incapable of giving to Naruto. I was going to trust the one man I truly hated? But I had already allowed myself to go this far.
when I gazed hard at his face, I saw the tearing of ages, the constant alertness for danger, the hourglass that was waiting for a death that was looming in the corner, waiting always for the mask to rip off, and only the nakedness would remain.
I knew then what sort of task he had set out for me. I got up and went between his legs. I began to suck and his lick his hard erection in my mouth. My brother tilted his head back in elation and groaned deeply under his breath. I imagined that his eyes were closed now, but I kept mine open, always fixed on him. The wind that blew my shutters gave me just a bit of light to see the outline of his arms and torso, the fine line of his neck and jaw, and the contours of his long, beautiful hair.
When he was hard enough, I stood up and crouched over his erection, holding it in place with my hand as I sank deep into it, building up the pressure slowly as it entered me.
"Good," he groaned and gasped at the same time and slid his hand through my hair. "Now go slowly and build up to whatever pace you want." He rested his head on the bed frame, his eyes half – glazed as he watched me pleasing him.
I followed his advice and went slowly, savoring the power of being in control of our bittersweet love. When I got used to the slow pressure building and releasing within me, I began to go faster, letting the sensation hit harder and harder into me. And I kept hitting and stroking that sweet spot within me with rougher intensity, letting the pleasure leak out like precious water.
It was like a sword stabbing into me, tearing me apart and leaving me open and exposed. But I was not vulnerable, I felt a surge of power overcoming me, giving me a say in how I wanted to control these urges and desires within me. The weapon I now held knew of no regret as it shattered my sense of reality, dislocating my body from the known world in order to get me to pick up the old pieces and draw my own world with my own blood.
But his power was not ignored. Every once in a while he would spank my buttocks and grab them to remind me that he was still in power. When I began to thrust faster, he would squeeze onto them together and force me down harder and deeper into him. It was pure elation, and it was clear that we were both in control.
We were both clinging onto life, remembering and flooding ourselves in old and new memories, forming and streaming in an instant.
He grabbed onto of my hands and moved them over to my member. He began to caress them, massage them in a circular motion with his hand over mine, touching me and teaching me how to please myself. With time the hunger grew prouder, and I stopped listening to his hands and followed my own whims, squeezing them where I wanted pressure, rubbing them where I wanted to be teased. I was now the teacher; and he was the passenger following the orders of my desires.
My need for him now had grown impatient. I wrapped my arms around his neck and smoldered myself into his kisses. My erection groaned for pleasure as I savored the blood from biting his lips and licking them soothingly afterwards. I enjoyed every second I had with him, breathing harshly into his mouth, latching onto the heat and tenderness of his lips. The sides of our nose at times slid past each other as we drew our face close. The heat drawing us near. We were wrapped in our own cocoon. And the world was waiting for us outside but it could wait. Time belonged to us now.
"Itachi..." I cried in desperation. My voice so small.
He thrusted harder and faster, determined to reach his goal, not allowing anything to stop him from claiming what was his to own. And his pleasure was my own. We were both following the same frantic pace, fantasizing about that internal climax we would share together. He squeezed my ass tighter as we kissed harder, violently, wanting our whole selves to erupt. We were almost cruel to each other, bruising the other's body with our impatience. Our lips swollen and numb from our violence.
We always had to find new ways to satisfy our hunger. It grew larger and greedier. I had to grind against his member as he thrusted deeper into me. I had to kiss him as a lion ravaged its prey. My body falling apart, I imagined every part of my body being torn away from me, to be consumed by the wolf inside of me.
Itachi do you ever wonder why power is defined by what you can destroy? Have you ever questioned this definition?
My hands eventually moved up from his back to his hair. They held a burning desire to grab it, pull it, tangle it around in a horrible mess. I groveled before him in my madness; and he in turn urged me to use his claws.
I was pulled in by him like gravity, holding me in place against the ground and the boundless sky, the planet tipping to a slant and nothing was straight anymore.
"Itachi!" I moaned out his name, wanting him to hear me and know that it was not a mistake.
In the battle for power and expression, pleasure and pain intertwined and became all I knew. Each thrust was an attack to me, demanding me to accept that life was both pain and pleasure, wrapped and fused as one. They could not be separated.
"Itachi!" I cried and cried, no longer ashamed and afraid. I wanted this; I was ready. I was willing to face any consequence or any form of regret I would have to take in order to have this moment of pure ecstasy. Just please, please, please! Give me this one moment to die and live again.
Pleading with every ounce of pride I could rip away.
Pleading with a desperation that equaled the call for death.
Nearing an ecstasy that would kill our past selves in an instant.
I felt our bodies dying in the pressure of our lust, and I knew that there was no going back; this sweetness that will always be ours. It demanded to be felt, wholly and complete; it demanded our whole existence. My body tightened up and felt small as a sweet climax stormed through my body, flooding me whole and drowning me. I felt my body pull up and cling more desperately to the man I loved, wanting to strengthen or preserve this sweet pleasure. And I didn't want this moment to pass, or for him to leave. But the rush of joy soon drained away and all I had left in my arms was the aftermath of our deed.
Itachi, what we have done, this is not called power.
We looked at each other for a moment of eternity, and it was broken only by our need to touch and connect with each other again. We kissed and caressed our bodies once more, no longer with the passion of lust, but for the joy of something gone.
We held each other for a long time, in some ways like the way forbidden lovers are thought to hold, but more like the way brothers would hold if they were allowed to. I laid with my head on his chest, my arms wrapped between us. His head was tilted over mine and he had an arm wrapped under my back to keep me close. The other arm laid relaxed at his side. We slept like this till morning, when the sun rose slowly and the birds chirped its bright song.
The outside world was knocking impatiently on the windowpanes. It had time counting the minutes and seconds like a steady mantra.
My eyes opened out to the world and it was him I saw. He had woken up before I did. His face was gazing on mine, his ears ignoring the streaming of water, listening instead to the ticking of time.
"I must go soon."
"No," I pulled his head closer down to me, refusing to hear the rapping on the windowpane, and kissed him once more like we did throughout the night in our sleep. He did not respond the same way. "Once more," I said to him, I could tell as I spoke that he knew what I meant, but refused to acknowledge it, "I want to know for sure that this is real."
"No," he pulled away from our embrace, a stab of pain went through my chest, "I must go. And you must come to me."
I sat up on the bed as he stood up at at the bedside to put on his clothes.
"You're already here. And you still have time. Stay -"
"I can't stay here, you know that."
He was right, and I hated that I understood. I would have to listen to him once again. I was becoming more awake, and he was going to leave me soon. It was a quiet good bye and he just left. All I had left to see were the the blinds wavering to and fro as the wind flowed through to freeze an empty room.
The chilling air sent shivers down my arms and legs. They quivered pathetically as I wrapped the blanket tighter over my body, wrapping myself into a tiny ball. Missing him was an emptiness I did not expect, and the loneliness in my soul grew and opened a large hole in my chest. And I knew it could only be filled by him. Any other substitute would just fall through to the other end. The weakness in my soul was too much to bear, so I crawled into my own hole and fell asleep.
Outside the consequences of last nights delirium was apparent. The rain was hateful and feverish. From the waters of the earth it stormed on the ground with its own message to deliver.
The morning was fresh with the smell of rain. About three yards away was a nymph tree, snapped in half with its body crashed on the sludge. Far off on the horizon, where brilliant green clashed against the gray of the sky, remained the old pine trees with rain water shimmering on its boughs, like gold under the sun. But the sun was not quite out yet; I had looked up and saw only clouds.
Today I was going to face my best friend one last time. It was the least I owed him.
It was evening when I finally took the step to meet him.
This boy said my name more in one day than my brother did in his whole life time.
The weariness was returning, the desire for rest was coming too soon.
"You will be fine without me. You don't need me around you your whole life. And don't tell me that I need your help, because I don't."
He stood stunned, like he was about to say something but couldn't. There was nothing else to say, I thought bitterly. Anything left unsaid was buried deep inside and impossible to uncover without fumbling around in dirt.
"I want to help you," he said again, like a broken record.
"What can you do?" I asked.
"We could help you find him."
I sighed. It was only morning and I was already so tired.
"I already found him, I don't need your help."
He thought for a second before trying again.
"A hokage would never leave a friend," he said.
"A hokage would know when to make friends and when to let them go."
He did not know what to say to this.
"Sometimes they need you to let go, because they don't want to go wherever you're going."
"Sasuke we can -"
"No we can't, Naruto. You don't have the right to."
"Sasuke you idiot! I'm your friend!"
I didn't bother to reply right away. I glanced up to the sky, wanting to pretend for a while that I was not here. The transition from last night's dream to this solid yet unreal reality disturbed me. The objects around asserted it's existence, which suited me just fine. It was the situation I was placed in that made me feel alienated from this solid world, so strong to the senses. It's scope too overbearing to handle. It made me want to crawl back into myself and go back to the dream, insubstantial yet more real somehow.
And then there was this stranger in front of me, wanting to connect to me somehow but didn't even know how to start. The world was a stranger to both of us, and I felt sorry for both of us, but more for me, because while he was also alone with his dreams, he would find a place for himself in some nook in this world. I would never have that nook; I had refused it many times over and knew that one day there wouldn't be a second chance. I had wanted all of these dead end options to go away.
I wanted to make him understand, but the cavern between us was too wide. Any leap of faith would most likely lead to a fall, or at least a trip that would leave a bruise. Either way, no one was willing to hurt their ego.
I could only take a few steps through his door, into his domain, give him a few words in his language, and walk back outside. That was the only option I knew, the only one that could fill in the gap between friendship and abandonment.
My break over, I looked at him again.
He was lost in a standstill. He did not know how to move further. Then with his last ounce of fuel:
You remember that time we thought you had died? he said this with hope, as if this might be his outlet to success.
Yeah, I remember, I said. What of it?
I thought my heart was ripped out of me, just for laughs. It was the worst experience I ever had.
I'm sorry, I told him, and didn't know what else to say.
If you leave us it would be the same. A piece of our heart squished into a little piece of nothing.
I didn't know you could be so poetic.
I'm dead serious, he said.
I will wait for the day you are hokage.
We could help you. You don't have to be alone.
Full of words he had used over and over again. Naruto. What were you trying to tell me? It was not his words that struck, it was what he did not say. Even someone as blunt as him had thoughts and feelings he was too ashamed to share. He was not just a broken record. His lips were always tugging and twisting to say more, but the sounds did not come, and the sound of the brushing wind was all I heard.
I'm going, I said. Breaking the cold gap between us, only to push us farther.
He didn't bother to follow me like last time. He stood his ground and I walked away from it.
The light sky above was white with soft hues of blue complementing the dark blue of his wide, open eyes. The blue of the sky was concentrating in the center gap between him and I and becoming redder, creating a range that became a deep purple over the mountain ranges. The dark rocky clouds stormed over the horizon.
The sun was already under the horizon, letting its remaining light shine and scatter, dashing farther and casting a heavenly pink and purple across the horizon. It was a glimpse of heaven before the pure darkness envelop the sky. And for some inexplicable reason, in that simple, awkward moment, I had the urge to share it with someone. Naruto, I almost turned back when I realized that we were already sharing this view, though we stood on different parts of the land, our eyes would see the pink clouds and dark purple highlighting the ground and see that it was beautiful.
I felt comforted by this thought, as if it solved all of the problems we had between us.
The sky grew darker and the wind harsher. We would have to go home soon, for either dinner or a lonely night sitting against the wall, looking at nothing.
I never expected this good bye to be so painful. I didn't want to admit that leaving Naruto meant leaving a part of me behind. But that was nonsense; I took in a breath of relief and sighed. Wherever I was going, I was going to take my whole being with me. I didn't really believe that though. No matter. It shouldn't matter so much anyway.
I stepped forward and the sound of lightning could be heard ahead of me.