Gituku enters with a grin
Heya nerds—I-I mean internet users! So, here's the thing—my mom's officially become legal, and she's doing a sucky job at it. And I mean sucky: won't even take up smoking! Instead, as she was stocking up on powerful firearms, she decided to waltz down here, grab a few vids of TLK, and scrape up the next chapter. So in other words, even though it's her birthday, YOU GUYS are getting the present. Don't you feel lucky you ungrateful-
T suddenly pushes him off camera
Sorry about that. Here's an announcer.
The screen goes black and a paragraphs rolls up-screen as a narrator at mind-boggling speed, reads it aloud
Let the record show this fic is solely for humor and enjoyment purposes, and is not meant to promote or encourage any moral/immoral or ethic/unethical convictions. Any statements made by Gituku do not necessarily portray the views of the writer or the other OC's. If you are offended by Gituku's thoughts, sayings, or actions please stop reading this fic. If you are offended please do not write a half-thought-out review about how he is a bad image for the children. In the event you find Gituku offensive he has composed a verbal response in these exact words: "[censored]." And now to stop talking in a fast-forward narrator voice…
We see Shenzi and T in T's room and where T is sitting in front of a mirror, and Shenzi has a straight iron in her hand
T: What is the point of picture day?
Shenzi: Some say it's the school's way of givin' somethin' back to the parents…although in your case it's a little too late.
T: OWCH! pulls away and grips her right ear Shenzi, you're burning my ear.
Shenzi: moves her head into its former position Just hold still.
T: as her head is bent down Why do you care so much about my pictures anyway?
Shenzi: Forsaking my last two years of high school in favor of the career of a professional hitwoman, I never had a school picture and I wanna make sure yours…ain't too hideous.
T: Is this your way of being sweet? leans up as Shenzi leaves the room
Shenzi: Shut up while I go get the staple gun!
T: …Staple gun? hears a noise downstairs Shenzi, somebody's at the door.
Shenzi: heard from the next room Oh that's probably just the serial killer. Don't answer it.
T: …laughs lightly Sorry, I musta misheard. I thought you said it was a-
Shenzi: Serial killer. returns with a staple gun in hand The one who strikes every rainy season. looks at T, surprised to see her dumbstruck …The one who took out that family of jackals 3 blocks from us. continues to stare The only thang they been broadcastin' more on the news between that pain-in-tail blooper reel. same amount of stunned and horrified Oh for Pete's sake, stop lookin' at me like that, ya look like a half-dead fish! You mean to tell me you ain't never heard of… trails off at seeing T's expression has not changed …And what rock were you under in the last 3 weeks?
T: shakily I-I haven't watched the news in awhile, ever since school let in…there's really a serial killer out there besides you three?
Shenzi: rolls her eyes You at least remembered to lock the door when ya came home, right?
T: Uh… The two freeze once they hear a noise again downstairs, T looks at Shenzi weakly You wouldn't happen to have your gun?
Shenzi: glances down at the first floor Don't wet your pants, probably just Banzai or Ed.
T: How do we know it's not-
Shenzi: in an obvious tone Each time he struck he'd burn the place down from the bottom up to ditch any evidence. a louder bang is heard, before they see smoke pouring out of the living room; a hooded figure appears at the bottom of the stairs, a pack of matches in one hand and through the smoke it seems a firearm-like object is in the other; Shenzi and T stare…before Shenzi slowly reaches over and closes her door, locking it Only way this could get more cliché is if the power went out. thunder outside And that. lightning strikes, causing a power outage
T: fearfully What if he comes after us?
Shenzi: scoffing Did you see that guy? I've maimed lions bigger than him. the two quickly glance at the door as the knob starts to jiggle violently
T: Can he get in?
Shenzi: Right after we moved in T I had that cheap plywood door replaced with class-A oak. You think my room would get any less? a creaking sound is heard What the-? …Holy crow, he's unscrewin' the bolts!
T: Just get your gun!
Shenzi: Even if it wasn't downstairs, think it'd save us from that bazooka he had on his arm? thunder booms a second time as a large pounding sounds on her door, both scream and clasp onto each other
T: Sh-Shenzi, I-I never got to tell you this, but I can't thank you enough for taking me in instead of killing me when I wondered into the graveyard.
Shenzi: I never planned on sayin' this, but since we're about to die I guess it really don't matter now. …T you're the first real gal-pal I've ever had, as far as friendship goes…you ain't so bad. the door falls, smoke pouring into the room as both scream again and a figure looms inside; Shenzi glances at T…before throwing her into the intruder and bailing out
T: H-hey! I thought you said we were friends!
Shenzi: Yeah n' I'm really gonna miss you girl! She bolts past the intruder, who doesn't even seem to acknowledge her and instead closes in on T, inching ever the closer, T backs away fearfully and clenches her eyes shut, waiting for it to be over…
Nuka: pulls his hood off Tana!
T: quickly glances up Nuka? gets angry You scared the living heck out of me!
Nuka: Oh, sorry. It was rainy outside so I wore my only jacket. T sighs, partially in relief Wow, you look beat. What happened?
T: still angry What happened! You broke into my house!
Nuka: The door was open. Well…unlocked.
T: And you terrified me and Shenzi!
Nuka: …Really? That's usually the other way-
T: coughing from the smoke, then pointing And what's that you're carrying on your arm?
Nuka: looks at his shoulder This? takes it off, revealing a cube-shaped bulky backpack mistakenly thought to be a bazooka Ok, so it's not vintage, but mother promised there were no fleas this time!
T: …And the fire?
Nuka: we see him lighting a pack of matches and giggling at the flames, before realizing she's still there and throws them away I have a problem… the two look in the direction of downstairs as they hear Shenzi shouting, right before cutting to a view of her using an extinguisher on the whole living room, cut back to T and Nuka You know, you oughtta lock your door right when you get back home—there's a serial killer on the loose y'know.
view of Banzai and Ed, Banzai none-too-happily cleaning his car while Ed stands off, distracted and at the same time fully attentive—his usual self
Banzai: What did I say about eating in the car, Ed? Ed giggles for no particular reason and goes about his business, chewing on the porch's railing; T comes out with her hands in her pockets just as Banzai drags out about 20 year's worth of fast-food packaging, the skeleton of some dead animal…and a bloody tire iron which he quickly puts back, then sees T exiting the house What's eatin' you?
T: shrug Nuka dressed like a serial killer and nearly burned the house down.
Banzai: trying to pull something else from under the seat That's nice. grunts and heaves out something meat-ish and moldy, T grimaces and Ed stares with a tongue hanging out I was wonderin' where that was.
T: What is it?
Banzai: My last wildebeest haunch, been missin' since last week. devours it without hesitation
T: That's edible?
Voice offscreen: And that's a burn mark! zoom out to see Gituku smirking and pointing at T's ear.
T: When'd you get here?
Gituku: Around 23 years ago. So what's the deal? Banzai get a little overexcited with the jumper cables?
T: stroking her singed ear Shenzi did this. Banzai and Ed look stunned, even Gituku looks surprised, T tries to explain until Banzai starts to talk
Banzai: You musta ticked her off big-time if- All look off as a scream is heard, followed by several thumps and crashes, until Shenzi appears at the door holding Nuka by his shirt and the back of his pants, and slings him into the street; he crashes into a pair of trashcans, which clang painfully as they drop on him, one of them falling against a nearby tree, which spooks an orange cat that was stuck up there, and falls to the earth with a yowl, panicking on Nuka in a blaze of fur, claws, and girlish screaming, after a minute it scurries away as he pants for breath. When it's over he picks himself up, then slips on a half-melted ice cream cone, he falls on his back, and grunts in pain as several cyclists run over his stomach, and then a street-cleaner drives by and nearly sucks him in, he claws at the pavement, but is pulled under, muffled screaming and mild gadgetry distress is heard; Shenzi turns her aggravated attention to the others
Shenzi: points to Ed You, stop droolin' on the porch swing! at T You, get inside and fix dinner! at Banzai You, stop whining and fix the dang car!
Banzai: It just needs cleaned!
Shenzi: I said stop whining! points to Gituku And YOU, get outta my neighborhood and go bug somebody else!
Gituku: smiling As you wish almighty sadist! Shenzi rolls her eyes
Shenzi: Little pain in the- closes door
Banzai: grumbling as he goes back to pulling junk out of the car Only reason it stopped moving is because it was weighed down with so much junk…
T: Don't take it personally, Banzai. You'd be stressed too if you thought a murderer almost set fire to your home. Banzai says nothing but gives her a look, and points to Ed …Point taken.
Gituku: He can't help it T—he suffers from a severe complex.
T: Unresolved anger?
Banzai: glares, pulling out that bloody tire iron Gituku…
Gituku: grins Symptoms include, but aren't limited to: spontaneous fits of anger, pretending you're cooler than everybody else, thinking you're cooler than everybody else, unhealthy love of spicy foods, the hots for a chick way out of your league- Banzai takes a swing at him, he ducks just in time
And thinking you know SQUAT about fighting! smirks; Banzai swings at him again, misses as Gituku seeks cover behind a tree, poking his head out Para Español, presione dos!
Banzai: glances at Ed And he calls her sadistic… Ed nods
T: What're you doing here anyway?
Gituku: Came ta finish what the walking crack-baby ad interrupted yesterday. opens car's passenger door
Banzai: Paws off my car! Lunges at him, Gituku side-steps him and pops the trunk; Banzai's head collides with the raised part of said trunk, and once getting up Gituku dangles the keys in front of him
Gituku: Well that explains the smell. And why it was unlocked; only a complete idiot would do that in this neighborhood. …On second thought, I don't think this is it: was expectin' somethin' with 3 wheels and pink streamers.
Banzai: GITUKU I'M GONNA- runs directly into the hood again, and stumbles dizzily into the trunk; Gituku slams it as a painful "GONG!" is heard, to ensure that Banzai will be nursing a large bump on his head in the near future; Ed quickly protests and is about to give Gituku a lesson in manners-
Shenzi: from inside ED! DID YOU EAT THE TV REMOTE AGAIN? Ed pauses, then speeds off in a puff of smoke, Gituku smirks and holds the door open for T again
Gituku: After you.
Gituku is seen at the wheel, an unsure T in the passenger side, some thumping and angry noises are heard from the back of the car
Gituku: fiddles with the radio a moment, glancing back to the trunk And just for the trouble you gave me yesterday, I'm gonna blare Ricky Martin the whole way there. Banzai can be heard shouting furiously, Gituku ignores him and turns up the radio, then looks back again with a smirk Missed your boyfriend, Banzai?
Banzai: view of inside of the trunk I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MY BOYFRIEND WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE!
T: You're going to let him out soon, right?
Gituku: Eh, dunno. I got a meeting with my supplier after this and I never know when I'll need ta outrun the cops. He might just have to get comfy. laughs again, only to see T does not find it funny Sheesh, it's a joke lady. What, Ice-Queen rubbing off on you already?
T: sigh Can we do this another time?
Gituku: You promised me a date, and I am gonna get it. pulls her over to his side Take the wheel for a sec.
Banzai: muffled WHAT? Gituku leans back and starts digging around in the back seat
T: Gituku what the heck are you doing!
Gituku: Thought I saw a tire iron back here, could use that when I see my suppliers too.
T: gasps as she yanks the wheel to the left, a large horn is heard, then echoes into the background I don't even have a license yet! jerks it again as some mild screaming is heard, and an angry troop of girl scouts shaking their fists is seen in the back windshield
Gituku: I never had one. still digging Jeez, lotta junk back here.
Gituku: One minute. T looks up ahead and sees a bunch of girls in the middle of the street, dressed in black and glitter, with a purple banner with numerous screen grabs and logos printed off and glue around the lettering, reading "We Love Twilight" being held by three in the middle, the "o" is a red, bloody heart…T keeps the car steady Dang, they oughtta do some repairs on this stretch, it's gettin' kinda bumpy. T sighs in relief, glad that no one was hurt, until she sees a crosswalk, and the screen zooms-in dramatically to reveal it's currently occupied by a pedestrian
Gituku: Yeah. I need one one of these days…
T: an old pedestrian Brake!
Gituku: It healed up pretty good, but Banzai broke my leg two years ago. Don't think you were around yet.
T: an old, blind pedestrian Brake!
Gituku: Speaking of which, hope Banzai kept his good n' lubed, otherwise we're in for one heck of a ride. Knowing the idiot it's probably just an accident waiting to happen. Aw well, can't be any uglier than he is.
T: an old, blind pedestrian with a child leading him holding a box of puppies GITUKU, HIT THE BRAKE!
Gituku: Hit the brake what?
Gituku: This whole "manners" thing is a one-way street, huh? lowers his foot, stopping just inches from the still-crossing pedestrian and child, T breathes heavily, panting a moment as she calms down HERE it is! comes back up with the tire iron, then looks outside Whoa, now that's close! T looks like she's about to speak, until he points out the window That sign says we're 10 miles away! Great! Ok, I got the wheel again. T gives him a look; in the background, a screaming street-sweeper goes by
2 agonizing blocks later…
Gituku: sees she's unhappy Yeah yeah I know; I didn't wanna go through the only neighborhood poorer than mine either, but it's the quickest way to get there. Here, this oughtta appease 'em. cranks up the volume, a very loud Ricky Martin song blares through the windows, Banzai is heard erupting in the back of the trunk Just try not to make eye contact with the locals and we'll be fine.
T: glaring It's not the locals I have to wo- they hit a large bump and the radio shorts out as the car slams back to the road afterward
Voice: Ay! Mi bebé!
Gituku: Hey, they should know better than to let kids play in the street! Something dangerous could happen.
T: as Banzai is heard screaming even angrier and louder Like you running over them?
Gituku: Exactly! Guys like me don't care about safety, all we wanna do is get where we're goin', and we don't give two snots about anything else on the road. So sue me if some immigrants can't afford to put little Pedro in the hospital. They shoulda thought 'a that befo- a second large bump
Gituku: Now that time, he ran into us. the car begins to bounce slightly
T: What's happening!
Gituku: looks out the window Aw crap. comes back in There's a fat Mexican kid caught under the tire! Got a hacksaw? Maybe I can get him off.
Meanwhile, a few blocks up…
view of street-cleaner as Nuka is thrown from the spiraling underside, he flies into a street pole, but is otherwise ok, he gets up wobbly and examines himself
Nuka: throwing his fists in the air I'M OKA- the car smashes into him, leaving him in a painful heap on the street as a bloody Hispanic child twitches on top of him
Gituku: Oh, never mind, we lost 'em.
T: irate Gituku, I want you to stop RIGHT… it suddenly slows to a halt
Gituku: rolls eyes Shoulda seen that coming. glances to the rear Hey Banzai, your hunk-a-junk broke down on us!
T: glances at the indicators above the wheel What's that light mean?
Gituku: shrugs I dunno. T opens the glove compartment and gets a manual Whoa, this ain't stolen? Guess Banzai's gettin' too fancy for us now. She ignores him, reads the pamphlet, and her eyes widen with horror
T: Gituku! That says the temperature's too hot!
Banzai: viewed inside the trunk …Ya mean there really was somethin' wrong with it?
T: You were driving too fast! It's probably the reason we're broke down in the middle of the street.
Gituku: You always this fun? glances out the window Hey, we're here! T gets out to see a restaurant one block ahead Nice place, huh?
T: We can let Banzai out now, right? the car spontaneously combusts, T gasps
Gituku: looking up At least the abandoned building we parked next to didn't fall on 'im. the abandoned building they parked next to falls down on him, T quickly runs forward to pull the debris away, but Gituku has her by the hand
T: He needs help!
Gituku: glancing off Huh, it's right next to the drive-in. Bet this place gets a lot more business since that opened up.
T: trying to pull away Gituku we have to see if Banzai's ok!
Gituku: He's fine, the guy lives with pain T; walking, talking, man-hating pain. He's used to it. as if to prove his point, at that moment Banzai gasps as he heaves himself from the wreckage; Gituku smirks, and leads her towards the restaurant
Banzai: glaring at Gituku as he claws his way from underneath the rubble Oh sure, nobody help me! stumbles head-first into asphalt, he curses and shakes it off I'm just fine!
Gituku: not glancing back but smirking again If you say so.
Writer: Sir we're ready to start filming again. Glances around studio …Sir? Cut to view of employee lounge, which is actually a small concrete room of an old couch, a microwave, and a coffee maker, it is filled with several employees Anybody seen the director?
Several stagehands: No. the writer makes his way back to the studio where several cast members are amusing themselves while they wait for the filming to start; Simba and Nala are toying playfully with one of the boiling geysers; the camera cuts to Timon and Pumbaa but that scene is quickly shot out, as if cut from the reel; Mufasa, Sarabi and Sarafina are chatting amongst themselves; the trio are about to eat Zazu until they see him coming; everyone halts in their activities as they see him approach
Writer: Has anybody seen the director?
Cast: No. the writer sighs and goes back the way he came, the cast exchange glances before going about their business
Cut to view outside studio, we see the director slouched against the wall, a dull look on his face, a lit cigarette in one hand, the writer comes out the studio door, and sees him
Writer: Sir, there you are! Runs up to him We're ready to begin filming again.
Director: takes a puff long enough to get any die-hard anti-smokers incensed, keeping his gaze unchanged and away What for? My career's sinking into the gutter because I happened to hire some demanding cast members, half my stage crew was eaten, and I'm up to my ears in debt and lawsuits. And off set, my house is still in ruin, my marriage is falling apart-
Writer: Your marriage is affected by this?
Director: Turns out the wife was having an affair with the pool-boy who came only on Friday nights, I was wondering why the schedule was so odd… takes another awkward puff You know while I was passed out last night in a drunken depression over the slow bombing of my career and the destruction of my house I had an unfavorable dream about the future. …I don't know what a 'Belieber' is, I just really don't want to be one when it happens. Worst of all: my Disney lawyer has died. stamps out cigarette and sighs, the writer looks off awkwardly, unsure for words…suddenly the director's beeper goes off, he glances at it unenthusiastically Disney wants me to call them… goes to a payphone and dials It's me…the man directing your 32nd full-length animated feature film…the one Mr. Mouse checked up on awhile back…the one with the all-animal cast…sighs the one you said to call at 9:40 a.m. …Yes that one. Sure, I'll h-…what? …Yeah my lawyer died recently. …Compensation? What the heck is that?
A few minutes later…
The director bursts through the door happily, the writer right behind him
Director: Good news everyone! Disney's provided me with a new lawyer; so once again I can take charge of this studio with an iron fist!
Writer: What about Mittens?
Director: What's a mittens? Claps hands Ok, places people! Or I'll have you all converted into 'Belieber's' when this is over! Everyone in the studio gives him a funny look
Writer: Just go with it.
Director: with newfound confidence and gusto I need wildebeests, where are those wildebeests?
Female stagehand: pointing off-screen There they are, sir. they see a large trailer being backed into the studio, with several heads poking out
Director: surprised That's it? How're we supposed to make it seem like a huge stampede if they only sent in one cartful of- the lock on the gate suddenly breaks and hundreds of cramped wildebeests come gushing out, straight into the director, about 10 straight seconds go by of nothing but a gray blur and the sounds of hoofs hitting the floor, before all goes quiet, and the director is found pummeled into the concrete with dozens of hooveprints on him
Writer: immediately picking him up Are you ok, sir?
Director: surprisingly still in a good mood 'Course not! But who would be after 15 tons of grazing animal has just been unleashed on them? That's why the evil plan in this scene works so well. Now, where is Scar?
Director: Yes, Scar, where is he?
Writer: reluctantly Um…the background painter?
Director: That's Lars.
Writer: The plumbing repairman?
Director: No, that's Carlos.
Writer: Oh, you mean the tattoo parlor down the street.
Director: No, that's "Scars N' Stripes Forever"!
Writer: The janitor?
Director: Oh c'mon! His name is Steven! I'm talking about Scar! Y'know—big ego, dark mane, can't control his fits of vanity or malevolence.
Shenzi: Oh for Pete's sake—he's late! He's not here. There, somebody had to say it…
Director: …He's late.
Writer: U-um, sir, I know how you're feeling, and there's no reason we can't-
Director: He's late when he knows we're well behind schedule…
Writer: Sir, listen, um, maybe we can just round up the wildebeest until he gets here.
Director: He's LATE, AND FOR ONE OF THIS OWN SCENES! DOES HE THINK WE CAN AFFORD TO LAY AROUND ALL DAY, WHAT IS HE DOING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT ANYWAY?
Shenzi: Said somethin' about meeting up with Hades and Jafar for a malt.
Director: …HE'S A LION! LIONS ARE CARNIVOROUS!
Shenzi: Yeah, weird ain't it? the director looks as though he's going to burst a vein
Cut to view of Scar aside Jafar and Hades at a local eatery
Iago: What is this? picks up a soggy lettuce leaf dripping with some kind of sauce I asked for no dressing, extra croutons and they give me this slop! flings it away…direct into Jafar's face I swear! What's a guy gotta do to get a little service around here, huh? without remorse Jafar zaps him with his staff, he falls to the ground naked and burned to a crisp
Jafar: It's bad enough I had to endure an entire film with the nuisance lifts a mug to his lips now they want a sequel all about him.
Hades: groans Just wait'll they grab you with the TV series. I can see that happening after the film release.
Scar: Shame the lengths they'll go to make a small profit. A pity we're forced to demean ourselves by associating with their like.
Hades: grunts in annoyance You shoulda seen the pair I got stuck with—I could skew a marshmallow on one and roast it over the other. torches his own mug They can never make it hot enough for me…
Jafar: examining his staff If not for this luxury I might've not been able to keep my sanity throughout the whole experience. It's saved me many a night of rehearsing with that feathered fiasco.
Hades: Always good to get away from the ball and chain. To get mine off my back I made 'em get a day job.
Jafar: Surprised you've managed to elude yours this afternoon Scar.
Scar: smirking Surprised? You insult me. I'm the lead villain, I can do whatever I want.
Hades: A loose cannon with class, I like that. all three turn abruptly as the roof completely blows off from the Lion King's studio
A few minutes later…
Scar is seen entering the set
Scar: Couldn't help but observe the explosion. Did Ed get into the janitor's closet again?
Director: YOU! we see the studio is a mess around him—everything within a 2-foot radius is either charred, stunned, both, or very close; the director is seething So help me if you don't get up on that set RIGHT NOW I will send you to a dark and cruel place where only evil and dial-up internet can thrive!
Scar: taking his place Temper, temper…
Director: Quiet on the set!
Employee: You're the only one making noise.
Director: I said QUIET!
Stagehand: holding up a marker, labeling reads: Hollywood Production: Awful; Director: Iz uh Doophus; Camera: Badly in need of repairs; Date: 7 on Friday sound nice?; Scene: Expected to be emotionally painful; Take: Whatever you can get, we recommend the coconut shrimp… Stampede, take-
Director: getting up from his chair Wait a minute, grabs marker, what's this?
Stagehand: A marker?
Director: Read the print!
Stagehand: It says Stam…oh…oh my, I-I-I'm sorry, I don't know how that happened.
Director: Just fix it and let's get this over with. It's a scene involving all our main villains so you know there's gonna be trouble!
Another stagehand: Here's a replacement!
Director: Great. Trash the tampered one.
Stagehand: Too bad, I bet this'll be worth a mint someday on the internet… throws it away and walks back on set Stampede, take 1! claps marker
Cut to view overlooking gorge, slowly zooming in
Writer: Uh, sir?
Director: hushed voice Not now, we're rolling!
Writer: But, it's about the staff.
Director: What about 'em?
Writer: Well…they were eaten.
Director: scoffs I knew that.
Writer: No, I mean they were all eaten.
Director: starts Everybody?
Writer: Down to just you, me, a stage manager, and the marker guy.
Director: HOW? I just saw-
Writer: Yeah, eaten the minute you turned your back. They just finished picking off the scraps left over. A good portion of them were devoured whilst you were in your office at the time and I tried to get you out to deal with the situation, but you were too immersed in your online role pl-
Director: So that's it!
Writer: It was awful, Ed attacked me with a chainsaw…
Director: All my staff, crew and stagehands have been eaten?
Writer: Pretty much.
Director: tears the script in anger First Scar puts us even further behind schedule and now this! I'm surprised Bambi even made it to theatres!
Writer: Well, a couple of the cast did have guns. glances back to see the only two employees left getting dangerously close to the hyena section of the catering table
Stage Manager: Be careful now, ya don't wanna anger our only villainess cast member.
Marker Guy: Wow, is she really that scary?
Banzai: Scary? She'll rip your heart out with her bare claws, eat it, then say she did it 'cause the caterer kept 'er waiting!
Scar: I don't find her a lethal threat, though I do recommend against anyone rousing her anger—that is unless you're a suicidal masochist who enjoys the sensation of having one's legs torn off and skewered through their small intestine.
Random lioness: scoffs That's more exaggerative than- Shenzi shows up and tears her heart out with her claws, the lioness collapses, dead and bleeding severely from the chest region, Shenzi tosses her heart into her mouth and gulps it down. One of the lionesses' co-stars rushes to her side, then looks at Shenzi
Second lioness: Why would you do this?
Shenzi: Her liver was out of reach.
Director: And YOU: your little posse devoured my entire stage crew! Well no more! No more excessive budget-spending over cosmetics! No more bribing witnesses to keep quiet after a civilian dies! No more unneeded song numbers!
Shenzi: Song numbers are needed?
Director: Remember when I mentioned for somebody to remind me to lock up the villains when we're not using them?
Writer: I think so.
Director: Well, bolts up from his chair NOBODY REMINDED ME! So now I'm doing what I should've done, and from now on this is a solely-protagonist movie!
Writer: Don't we kind of um, need the antagonists for this scene?
Director: It's starting a stampede, how difficult can it be?
Writer: But won't they be upset?
Director: oblivious to Ed and a few other hyenas in the background, cornering the frightened stage manager then pouncing on and devouring him They're villains—they're about as feeling as a wet turnip.
Scar: melodramatically Yet if you prick us, do we not bleed? And yet if you prick us, do you not bleed all the more?
Director: LOCK 'EM UP!
A few minutes later…
Cut to view overlooking gorge, slowly zoom in to view of Simba, walking up to a rock loomed over by a small tree
Simba: glances at camera Now?
Director: Now! Yes, now!
Simba: looks at rock Oh, look, a rock. This looks like a good place to sit while I wait for my father to arrive with whatever surprise he has in store for me today. I will sit on it now. sits…and waits awkwardly
Director: hissing What're you waiting for? Get up there and start that stampede. The writer stumbles and runs to the back of the set
Simba: puts a paw to his ear Oh, I think I hear a rumbling noise. I sure hope it's not a stampede… a few more awkward moments of nothing
Director: …What's taking him so long? the only stagehand left comes up
Marker Guy: Um, sir, the writer had a little difficulty getting the stampede started…
Director: Difficulty how?
Marker Guy: Well instead of running away from him they're taking turns stomping their names into him…
Director: sigh Ok, go to plan B.
We flash-forward to the scene where Mufasa's dead body is shown and Simba is sobbing over it…actually it's painfully obvious he's not feeling it at all
Simba: Oh no, I have killed my father. What will my mother think? Sarabi awkwardly walks on set
Sarabi: Simba, what happened? Why is your father immobilized on the ground?
Simba: I can't bring myself to tell you I killed him by accident. begins to walk off-screen
Sarabi: Where are you going? Who will Nala annoy Zazu with?
Simba: Out of tremendous guilt I will forever leave the Pridelands to meander the wilderness as an outcast, a deserving fate for a murderer like me…
Director: Oh my gosh… WE'RE AT A LOSS WITHOUT THE VILLAINS!
Simba: It is pretty weird to try and act this scene without them.
Sarabi: I'm afraid to wonder what you were thinking when you thought this could work.
Director: gets hysterical Oh somebody, bring them out! We need our antags! Without them there's no story! Why, why did I ever lock them up in the first place? Someone taps him on the shoulder; he looks back and starts at seeing Shenzi, Banzai, Scar and Ed grinning
Scar: holding his paw out to Shenzi I believe you owe me a sum of 20 dollars, now.
Shenzi: ACTUALLY, you bet that he would cave for us in the first five minutes. I bet that he would cave in the first 4 ½. You owe me. smirks as Scar begrudgingly hands her a bill
Director: OH THANK DISNEY YOU'RE BACK! Please, please, on the set! cackling the 4 take their places, the director sighs in relief
Simba: This kinda reminds me of an episode of the Simpsons.
Timon: Hey, aren't you too young to watch that kind of programming?
Simba: Not if the V-chip doesn't stop me.
Timon: grins I'm gonna like working with this kid.
Nala: …When did the Simpsons cut out the entire cast of their villains?
Director: Ok everybody, problem solved!
Simba: Getting our bad guys back?
Director: No, I just discovered a new method of legal torture: takes out a cassette popular boy bands. Now unless you want me to put on this tape of Boyz II Men, I suggest everybody-
Stagehand: Stampede, take 2! claps marker
Cut to view overlooking gorge, slowly zoom in to view of Scar with Simba, they're walking up to a rock loomed over by a small tree
Scar: Now you wait here, your father has a marvelous surprise for you.
Simba: Ooh, what is it?
Scar: smirking It's whatever you want it to be if you stay on this rock long enough.
Simba: Is it food?
Simba: Is it a party?
Simba: Well those are the only two things I like that I can think of.
Scar: Ah, and that's the craftiness of it Simba—this surprise is so good you'll never see it coming.
Scar: grins Now, you stay put and-
Scar: Oh alright, alright. frowns
Stagehand: Stampede, take 3! claps marker
Scar: Now you wait here, your father has a marvelous surprise for you.
Simba: Ooh, what is it?
Scar: It's whatever you want it to be if you stay on this rock long enough—you're a good cub, Heaven will have something to occupy you…
Director: I'm not playing games here!
Scar: Neither am I, death is a very serious matter sir, and given your current situation, I'd expect you'd be more sensitive about it. Have you spoken to the man upstairs lately?
Director: Your henchmen ate him. Next take!
Stagehand: Stampede, take 4! claps marker
Simba: Ooh, what is it?
Scar: as Simba gets on the rock If I told you my evil plan wouldn't work, now would-
Director: looking around Where'd we put those dart guns?
Scar: Such a pity the villains are the only ones here with a sense of humor as well.
Stagehand: Stampede, take 5! claps marker
Simba: Ooh, what is it?
Scar: as Simba gets on the rock If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?
Simba: If you tell me, I promise dad won't know.
Shenzi: I think he'll be the next to find out.
Director: Wrong lines, kid. Shenzi, you're not in this scene…in this part of the scene. Next take!
Stagehand: Stampede, take 6! claps marker
Simba: If you tell me, I'll ask the director to give you an extra 10 during lunch break.
Director: Wrong lines, and not even if my life depended on it.
Zazu: From the way those hyenas are staring at you it just might…
Director: That's what you're for, birdie-boy.
Director: Next take!
Stagehand: Take 7! claps marker
Simba: If you tell me, then I won't tell dad it was you and the hyenas who snuck that dye-bomb in his lunch.
Banzai: I toldja he saw us!
Shenzi: An' no use making bribery out of it now—you just announced it to the whole studio.
Scar: That was no dye-bomb. Are you color blind? That was clearly liquid ni- sees Mufasa glowering at him I believe it would be best to go onward.
Simba: Sorry about all the mistakes Uncle Scar.
Scar: Oh, quite alright. In fact if you make any more I'll arrange a private rehearsal for you and Ed while all those pesky security officers are off premises.
Stagehand: Stampede, take 8! claps marker
Simba: If you tell me, I'll still act surprised.
Scar: Ho-ho-ho, you are such a naughty boy!
Director: rolling his eyes This is why some people think you're a pedophile.
Scar: as if he were still acting No, no, no, no, no, no, no; that was in the script.
Director: Yeah ri- glances at script Uh… Scar smirks, the director sighs Just don't botch it up with something we'll be getting angry letters about.
Writer: Couldn't we just put them in everybody's food like we always do?
Director: Next take!
Stagehand: Take 11! claps marker
Scar: Ho-ho-ho, you are such a naughty boy! But I'm sure it can't hold a wet candle to the director's juvenile years.
Director: Scar, I'm going to-
Scar: This is the 90's sir, dial-up internet won't be considered "evil" for quite some time. For now, it's merely a speed bump on the information s-
Director: Yeah, yeah, yeah, save the puns for the meerkat and get on with the scene.
Stagehand: Take 12! claps marker
Scar: Ho-ho-ho, you are such a naughty boy!
Director: bolting from his chair THAT'S…what I wanted. clears throat As you were.
Simba: pouts and starts to push on his chest C'mon Uncle Scar, you said if I was quiet about that human leg I saw in Ed's mouth you'd make it up to me.
Director: taking out a pencil and notepad In whose mouth now?
Scar: covering Simba's head on purpose as he pretends to ruffle his fur Oh never mind him, you know cubs, always making the worst of situations.
Director: You're thinking of lawyers, and mine will be happy to-
Scar: I forgot to mention Jafar sent all the security guards into a temporarily paralysis until this scene is over. It's a favor he owed me from concealing that beetle-thing in my dressing room until he could pick it up.
Director: …Next take. pulls out cell phone Hello Disney, how much would it cost to hire a professional body guard against potentially violent cast members? …Dangit. puts phone away
Stagehand: Take 13! claps marker
Simba: pouts and starts to push on his chest C'mon Uncle Scar…
Scar: looks away No, no, no, no, no, no, no looks back this is just for you and your daddy. looks disinterested Y'know, always easier to clean up one mess than two.
Simba: The hyenas ate the cleaning crew too?
Director: They DID? THAT DOES IT! All of 'em: fi-!
Shenzi: Yup, a bunch of starving hyenas who'd be happy to make a meal out of anybody in sight.
Director: …Just get on with it. looks around And where's the writer?
Marker Guy: Last I saw him he was getting scraped off the set.
Director: Oh, perfect, that guy finds this all a big joke, doesn't he? He just lazes around getting scraped off of things like he owns the place! Well remind me to dock his health insurance once he comes back.
Marker Guy: What health insurance? We didn't even get real contracts.
Director: Just clap the thing!
Stagehand: Take 14! claps the thing
Scar: looks away No, no, no, no, no, no, no looks back this is just for you and your daddy. looks disinterested Y'know, a sort of father-son…thing. gets cheerful again and starts to walk off Well, I better go get him.
Simba: gets off the rock and follows I'll go with you!
Scar: turns around and stops him N-! they bonk heads loudly, everybody off-camera erupts in laughter as Scar roars in pain and Simba is thrown to the other side of the set
Director: Well that was a head-on collision waiting to happen.
Simba: rubbing his head as his head pops up from behind the rock, a small chameleon climbing onto it from a branch Then why'd you put it in!
Director: smirk Let's just say the enjoyment Scar gets from seeing me in pain is completely mutu- sees lizard as it walks up to his chair …Hey little guy, where'd you come from?
Writer: showing up with many a hoof-mark on his person Oh, he must've been in with the extras. I'll send him back.
Director: ignoring him I shall call him Norman! And sadly he might be the most interesting character on screen.
Writer: This scene doesn't call for any reptiles.
Director: letting Norman climb along his arm Maybe it could; I'm positive we can fit him in somewhere. Oh and, by the way, your health coverage is docked.
Writer: …I just got trampled.
Director: And while you were doing that we were busy not engaging in risky activity.
Writer: Seriously, I think I have a concussion.
Director: Next take!
Writer: grumbling Hundreds of names Indian-burned on me…
Stagehand: Take 15! claps marker
Scar: turns around and stops him NO! Hehehe, no. backs Simba back onto the rock Just, stay on this rock. falsely concerned You wouldn't want to end up in another mess like you did with the hyenas…
Simba: surprised You know about that?
Scar: somewhat patronizing Simba, everybody knows about that.
Simba: sinking down out of embarrassment Really?
Scar: Oh yes. smirks Lucky for you there were plenty of staff members in between you, eh?
Director: Sc-…wait, what?
Writer: sigh That was another incident that happened while you were in your office. Only this time when I tried to retrieve you, you said you were having a moment and exploded for me to get out.
Director: appears horrified U-um, next take!
Simba: But what-
Director: NEXT TAKE!
Stagehand: Take 16! claps marker
Scar: Oh yes. smirks Lucky daddy was there to save you, eh? Oh, and just between us, pulls his nephew close…and whispers inaudibly
Director: I never thought I'd say this, but you're not loud enough Scar. …Scar, did you hear me? …Are you even saying your lines?
Simba: Oh, ok… Scar smirks as he walks off, Simba glances at the director Hey director guy, how'd you find my mom's missing copy of "My Girl"?
Director: What? I don't-! It was- …Go to next take! can be seen wiping a tear from his eye
Stagehand: Take 17! claps marker
Simba: sinking down out of embarrassment Really?
Scar: Oh yes. smirks Lucky daddy was there to save you, eh? Oh, and just between us, pulls his nephew close…and whispers inaudibly
Director: I'm in no mood Scar-
Marker Guy: You look like you're in one to me.
Simba: Hey director guy!
Director: turning away from the Marker Guy What?
Simba: excited Guess what just happened!
Director: confused …Whatever it is, if it has anything to do wi- dozens of wildebeests are seen headed his way, he leaps to safety, but unfortunately somebody else isn't so lucky…
Writer: coming out of the copier room Sir, I just finished printing up the script for the next- he is trampled a second time
Director: sighs I'm having horrible writer's block today. looks off-screen Hey, somebody get the paramedics on duty!
Marker Guy: There are no paramedics, the hyenas ate them too.
Director: Great…you mean I have to patch this guy up myself?
Marker Guy: I wouldn't recommend it.
Director: You're right. glances back to the cast on the hamster wheel Where's that monkey?
One…holistic medical experience later…
Director: So, how'dya feel? view of Writer standing awkwardly in numerous splints and covered in scuffs and bruises—his face has red berry juice markings on it
Writer: Like I-
Director: That's nice. On with the show!
Stagehand: Take 18! claps marker
Scar: Oh yes. smirks Lucky daddy was there to save you, eh? Oh, and just between us, pulls his nephew close you might want to work on that little roar of yours, hmm?
Simba: Oh. Ok… still smiling, Scar lets go of his nephew and starts to walk off, until Simba gets a look of anticipation on his face Hey Uncle Scar! Scar stops Will I like the surprise?
Scar: turns around NO! …Hehehe, no. …Uh, wait a minute.
Director: sigh A really good time to run out of Amitryptiline…
Stagehand: Take 19! claps marker
Scar: looking back with an "excited" grin Simba, it's to die for. we see a part of the film flicker unexpectedly for a second time, but it sorts itself to reveal an overhead view of Scar walking off; a bird calls in the distance as the camera slowly scales up the tall, steep cliff edge to finally overlook a massive body of grazing wildebeests; cut to close up of one of the herbivores, slowly zoom in to see hyena trio…absent; the director gapes
Director: WHERE THE HECK ARE THOSE HYENAS?
View of a fast-food restaurant, inside, a certain henchman is seen operating the drive-thru and another at the deep-fryer
Pain: Welcome to Burger Korp., where you pay us to clog your arteries, how may I take your order? presses several buttons So that's two Sappy Meals, a large Thunder-Thigh Fry, one medium Neck-meat Nachos and a small Ed You Moron Get Us Back To The Studio. looks at his companion Didja get all that, Panic?
Panic: gives a thumbs up I'm on it!
Pain: glances back Anything else? inquisitive laughter is heard over static, along with two irate voices repeatedly yelling for someone to get them back to the studio now We have Love-Handles Lemonade, Diabetes Diet Soda, Mumbo Jumbo Dentistry Bill Milkshake, Stick-to-my-teeth Smoothies and Sick-to-my-stomach Slurries. listens One large Mumbo Jumbo Dentistry Bill Milkshake coming up.
Back at the studio-
Writer: Riiiiight. Well, when you're ready to come back to sanity-
Director: I don't need no stinking sanity, I'VE GOT POWER! POWER I WILL USE TO EUTHANIZE THOSE HYENAS IF THEY'RE NOT BACK IN-! car crashes through studio door, Ed guffaws as he gets out of the driver's seat, drooling over a brown paper bag he holds in his mouth; Shenzi woozily gets out of the passenger's side while Banzai rushes to the nearest trashcan and pukes WHERE'VE YOU THREE BEEN? YOU PUT US 15 MORE MINUTES BEHIND SCHEDULE!
Writer: Um, they just crashed through one of the studio doors.
Director: I don't care so long as it's not my car! Ed cackles cynically
Stagehand: Take 20! claps marker
Scar: looking back with an "excited" grin Simba, it's to die for. Overhead view of Scar walking off, a bird calls in the distance, slowly scale up the tall, steep cliff edge to finally overlook a massive body of grazing wildebeests; cut to close up of one of the herbivores just as a stomach gurgles, slowly zoom in to see hyena trio
Shenzi: Shut up!
Banzai: whining slightly Can't help it. I'm so hungry, bolts to all fours I gotta have a wildebeest! One of the wildebeests immediately looks up
Wildebeest #1: What was that! wildebeest beside it looks around, its gaze lands directly on where the trio are standing
Wildebeest #2: gasps Hyenas! the wildebeests immediately go into a panic, knocking each other over, trampling some elderly as well as staff, and go into a premature stampede
Director: bolting upright CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUT! surprisingly, the wildebeest come to a halt, right before the director can call the men with the dart guns on set You're supposed to start the stampede AFTER the hyenas show themselves; you don't look for them! You're completely oblivious that they're there!
Wildebeest #3: If we don't run they'll eat us!
Director: Not in this scene they won't, they're paid to simply nip at your heels.
Random hyena: to the one beside him The temptation must be INTENSE. he nods
Director: Any other scene, I can't be held responsible for what happens. Besides it's the fall you all have to worry about.
Wildebeest: #2: We're gonna fall?
Director: Not if you do it right. Places everyone!
Stagehand: Take 21! claps marker
Banzai: whining slightly Can't help it. I'm so hungry, bolts to all fours I gotta have a wildebeest!
Shenzi: firmly Stay put.
Banzai: But…can't I just pick off one 'a the little sick ones?
Shenzi: gives him a look The little sick ones? glances at Ed 'Scuse me fo' puttin' it this way Ed glances back at Banzai but are you crazy? they see a shaky juvenile wildebeest, clearly emaciated, making a sound of distress, clumsily walking across the screen You wanna eat that, when we got catering comin' here in not a half hour? What, ya can't wait 5 seconds for some of the non-little-sick-ones ta crash at the bottom n' break a few legs?
Director: SHE WAS JUST KIDDING EVERYBODY! laughs nervously You know how those hyenas love their dark humor… glares at her and clenches his teeth The only way this scene can progress is if those wildebeest muster up the guts to get over that cliff. And if they can't do that you and the walking stomach over there-
Shenzi: Yeah, yeah, I know how tranquilizing works.
Shenzi: No! the two cringe back slightly before she looks around We wait for the signal from Scar.
Director: I didn't say 'action'!
Shenzi: Does anybody care at this point? general agreement from the rest of the studio; the director grumbles petulantly
Director: Should've directed Pocahontas; 'No' I said, 'it's a girls' movie' I said, 'Working will lions will be so much cooler' I said. I didn't sign up to be a ringleader!
Shenzi: Is that right? Looks like you've got the waistband of one.
Director: And in this corner… red in the face OUR NEXT TAKE!
Shenzi: No! the two cringe back slightly before she looks around We wait for the signal from Scar. Banzai groans and fidgets, paces, and even knocks Ed a few times to pass the time—Ed of course bouncing back unscathed…finally Banzai can't take it anymore
Banzai: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! lunges into the herd, on the verge of starting a panic, unfortunately he rams into Scar who was just making it up the hillside and the two each go falling off the cliff, of the set, and into the back of the props truck
Driver: That the last of it?
Stagehand: Yup, thumbs up that's all. Driver tips his hat and takes the truck elsewhere, had he looked in his rearview mirror he would've seen the writer calling for him to come back and the director having a meltdown, strangling the stagehand that let him get away as a few random animals pull him off
2 days later…
A search party is seen scouting near a local landfill area, on the very perimeter an unconscious Banzai and Scar are seen lying on a heap of badly-damaged and unsanitary-looking aluminum cans
Search Party Scout #1: Hey, it's those 2 missing cast members.
Search Party Scout #2: Think we should take 'em to the boss?
Search party scout #1: Eh, they prob'ly just wants the white guy. they drag Scar off and leave Banzai
Two more days later…
Banzai and Scar are seen in a hospital room, confined to two beds alongside each other
Banzai: At least they got you! I had to wonder 2 more days before anybody saw me!
Scar: Oh yes, being dragged face-first through the gravel—how delightful!
Director: I can't tell who's more annoying; the Mexican or the British.
Banzai and Scar: I heard that!
Director: Well, hope you enjoy your stay because you're both due back on set first thing tomorrow! glances at their trays, before swiping a carton off Banzai's
Director: Oh pipe down, they'll just bring you a new one. he and the writer exit the room
Writer: You do know that's meant for guys like him, don't you?
Director: So? opens carton A guy has to break his leg to get a decent meal around here?
Writer: No, I mean- the director pours it in his mouth…before pausing, and spewing it onto his shoes
Director: Aw perfect! These were brand-new!
Writer: puzzled You moan about budget cuts and pay docks and you go out and buy new shoes?
Director: What the heck is this? glances at the label: "Carbs for Carnivores—a nutritious mix that ensures a speedy recovery"
Writer: Told you.
Voice off-screen: YOU MONSTER! they glance off screen to see an angry man pushing an angry woman in a hospital gown in a wheelchair
Director: Uh…pardon me?
Mother: Do you have any idea where you're standing! the director and writer glance back and see a sign above them marked "Maternity Ward", below that is a large window showing a room full of newborns I was about to take a picture of my beautiful baby boy, but instead I got a photograph of you puking on your shoes! shows photograph of the director bent-over with some revolting substance on his shoes How's THIS going to look in his baby book?
Director: A whole lot better if you did something about the red-eye. Writer starts to pull him away
Writer: I'm sorry m'am, we were just leaving now.
Another voice: Not so fast! they glance away to see two wildebeests marching in their direction
Wildebeest #1: MY son was one of the stampeders in your movie, but he fell off a cliff and broke his ankle!
Wildebeest #2: What kind of a studio director has his stampeders go downhill?
Wildebeest: #1: They say they'll have to shoot him!
Director: Uh, contracts state we are not responsible for any acci-
Wildebeest #1: And it was all because he tripped over YOU! points at writer; he and the director gaze off awkwardly
Director: Caught between a post-partum aggression rock and a horned hard place…only when working for Disney. glancing at writer So…see ya at work tomorrow?
Writer: Right… each run off-screen
Cut to the next day on set, everybody's looking well-exhausted, even the cast that weren't in the scene yesterday
Shenzi: whacks Banzai That's in case you get anymore ideas.
Shenzi: firmly Stay put.
Banzai: But…can't I just pick off one 'a the little sick ones?
Shenzi: No! the two cringe back slightly before she looks around We wait for the signal from Scar.
view of Scar looming over cliff with a menacing smile There he is. cut back to trio Let's go.
Shenzi: irritated WHAT?
Director: Question…what's with the face?
Shenzi: What face?
Director: The one you just made 5 seconds ago.
Shenzi: I didn't make any face—I talked like I always do.
Director: So, every time you say "Let's go", you look like you have indigestion?
Shenzi: You might be havin' indigestion once I stuff that megaphone down your neck!
Director: Eh-heh…how 'bout we just keep rolling and forget I even butted in?
Shenzi: Good boy.
Director: Next take!
Meanwhile, view of Simba sulking on the rock
Simba: Little roar, puh! a chameleon is seen climbing off a plant and onto the rock, Simba sees it and tries to scare it with a cubbish growl…it doesn't work so he tries again, and again, finally sneaks up behind the chameleon, and lets out a large growl that sends it fleeing, the minute roar echoing in the distance; he listens to it, proudly…until he hears a strange "click"-ing sound, he looks around, confused, until he sees the clattering pebbles at his feet; he hears a bird calling off in the distance, and looks that way—revealing a large flock over the cliff…and that's all, everything else is quiet
Director: CUT! looks up to the cliff Hello! That was your cue!
Wildebeest #1: head poking from over the edge This is insane if you think we can actually run down a 90-degree angle!
Director: You're being chased by hyenas, you're all thrown into a frenzy, and the only way to escape death is to charge straight down into the gorge!
Wildebeest #2: Escape death? I'd take my chances with the hyenas! And by the way I read the script: they don't even follow us down!
Director: Why would they? Their job is done. You're all an ocean of panic charging right for the endangered prince. Besides it'd ruin the plan if Mufasa saw them while he and Scar were running towards the gorge. Didn't I say you'd have nothing to worry about if you did it right?
Wildebeest #2: How do you run off a cliff right?
Director: You live. Now back to your positions!
Writer: Y'know what's interesting?
Director: That we've practically dug our graves and we're still going at it?
Writer: The wildebeest is sometimes called a gnu.
Writer: I know, it's really-
Director: That wasn't interesting at all. In the least. Why get our hopes up, Writer? C'mon. Don't be a killjoy. That's Zazu's job.
Zazu: Now see here!
Director: Next take!
Simba sneaks up behind the chameleon, and lets out a large growl that sends it fleeing, the minute roar echoes in the distance; he listens to it, proudly…until he hears a strange "click"-ing sound, he looks around, confused, until he sees the clattering pebbles at his feet; he hears a bird calling off in the distance, and looks that way—revealing a large flock over the cliff and a herd of stampeding wildebeest who…all come to a screeching halt right at the edge
the director sighs Ok, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I'm giving you two choices: one, you can either have those 3 chase you off the cliff where you will safely, providing you do it right, trample your way to the bottom of the gorge. Two: I can hold you all at gunpoint. Or-
Wildebeest: That's 3 options.
Director: You can do a Christmas movie with AirBud. the wildebeest gasp
Wildebeest: No! No please, we'll do anything but that!
Wildebeest #2: Just let us do the scene once more! they all head back to their positions, the trio sigh in exasperation
Director: smirks Now that's more like it. Action!
Simba looks up from the clattering pebbles as he hears a bird call in the distance, he looks that way—revealing a large flock fleeing the cliff as the ledge of the gorge is being FLOODED with hundreds of stampeding wildebeest; close-up on Simba, horrified; rear-view of him, the screen rumbles as the herd gains distance, he turns around and tries to flee…but ends up slipping and landing flat on his chin
One near-death experience later…
View of a mad Simba and an infuriated Mufasa
Director: who sounds muffled Look on the bright side, now you can truly express the pure grief that's needed for the end of this scene.
Mufasa: If you 'truly' believe that, why have you encased yourself in a bulletproof glass cage?
view of director in a bulletproof glass cage encasing him and his chair, a few air holes are at the top
Director: Have I? Oh, well ain't that quirky? I suppose we'll just have to go on with the scene. And don't worry about that Jell-O on the floor, we got it all taken care of. view of several flies crawling on the lime jell-o, Norman approaches from the right and laps up a few of the insects Next take!
Simba looks up from the clattering pebbles as he hears a bird call in the distance, he looks that way—revealing a large flock fleeing the cliff as the ledge of the gorge is being FLOODED with hundreds of stampeding wildebeest; close-up on Simba, horrified; rear-view of him, the screen rumbles as the herd gains distance, he turns around and flees just as they reach where he'd been standing; view of the plain at the top of the ledge—the wildebeest continue to charge, pouring down the cliff and into the gorge; front-view of Simba fleeing again, perhaps thousands of wildebeest are trampling right behind him; overview of the field they had once been grazing in, to show the trio right at their heels, close-up of Shenzi right as she snaps at one's flank, the remainder of them head over the cliff and into the gorge, upscale view of the cliff as the last of the herd stampedes over it, and the trio are shown at the top…
Shenzi: BANZAI YOU IDIOT, STOP! Banzai is hungrily chasing the last wildebeest with full intent on eating it, however it side-steps him at the ledge…and he goes tumbling, Shenzi paws her face and sighs
Director: looking off as Banzai's scream is heard in the background If he dies we're still good, right? There's gotta be 20 other hyenas that look just like him!
Writer: The fans will notice.
Director: scoff The hyenas having fans, that's rich.
A few minutes later…
Director: And this time, no goofing off! Comprende?
Shenzi: Since when is falling off a cliff goofing off?
Director: Since we work for Disney, and since we now have to do the stampede a 2nd time—great job, Banzai! huffs and moves back to his chair And will somebody please put that kid out of his misery? view of 'the little sick one' whining pathetically…it would look pitiful…if it weren't so annoying; fed up, Banzai lunges for the calf, and the director bolts to turn the camera away just as a loud cry is heard, followed by bones crunching Good to see everybody's happy.
Writer: What about the calf's parent?
Director: He fell and broke his ankle. Remember?
Writer: Oh yeah.
view of the plain at the top of the ledge—the wildebeest continue to charge, pouring down the cliff and into the gorge; front-view of Simba fleeing again, perhaps thousands of wildebeest are trampling right behind him; overview of the field they had once been grazing in, to show the trio right at their heels, close-up of Shenzi right as she snaps at one's flank, the remainder of them head over the cliff and into the gorge, upscale view of the cliff as the last of the herd stampedes over it, and the trio are shown at the top, looking on proudly at their work; one last view of Simba running for his life, the wildebeest covering ground at a deadly rate, before cutting to Mufasa and Zazu
Zazu: perched on his king's shoulder Oh look sire; the herd is on the move.
Mufasa: brow furrows Odd… Scar quickly runs up
Scar: pretending to be out of breath Mufasa! Quick! Stampede, in the gorge, SIMBA'S DOWN THERE!
Mufasa: horrified Si- record scratching noise; dramatic music stops
Zazu: Wouldn't it be just as easy to save him yourself if you can make the trip to run all the way over here?
Scar: It would also be as easy for you to disappear just in the nick of time for lunch.
Zazu: groaning Please, do me that favor. Every bird rendezvous at the same-
Director: Zazu, we're a little pressed for time here; save your melodrama for the later part of this scene.
Zazu: YOU say that after going what I've been through!
Director: Oh c'mon, it's not like you're sharing a table with someone obnoxious.
flashback to view of Zazu trying to eat from a bowl of purple berries with a certain parrot across from him
Iago: mouth full And so I say "And I stuff the crackers down his throat!" laughs and slaps Zazu on the back, he falls into the bowl of berries, and comes up none too cheerfully…
cut back to studio
Director: He wasn't supposed to be there anyhow, I heard from the straight-to-video production team he was ditching rehearsal.
Zazu: face lights up So should he come back another time I have full liberty to-
Director: To shut up and let us finish the scene? Definitely!
Other cast members: Ouch.
Director: Get on with it!
Mufasa: horrified Simba…
cut back to Simba trying to avoid death, he looks back as the herd begins to catch up
Director: Well, apart from the rocky start, this is going pretty well.
Writer: Not quite.
Director: Whaddya mean?
Writer: Well remember that tree he was supposed to latch onto to buy him some time?
Writer: …He just passed it.
Writer: Yeah and that stampede isn't getting any weaker. He on the other hand…
view of Simba panting for breath
Director: biting nails Mufasa's gonna have me on a platter when this is over!
Writer: He'd have quite a long line to wait in, sir.
Director: bolting from his chair CUT!
One avoided disaster later…
Director: Ok, so you can see the tree alright kid? we see Simba in the heart of a bunch of standing wildebeest, who are just waiting for their cue to continue stampeding
Simba: nods Yeah.
Director: sigh Good. Let's hurry it up, we're off schedule and this cage is starting to fog up. Action!
the stampede continues, cut to Simba trying to avoid death, he looks back as the herd begins to catch up
Simba: horrified Whoa. soon he is caught right in the midst of them until he climbs onto a dead tree and hangs on for dear life, the herd rushing like an ocean below him; cut to Mufasa, Zazu, and Scar all speeding to the gorge, Zazu flies ahead, scouts the area, and horrifically sees something Zazu help-! the hornbill flies past him Me…?
Director: Cut! glances around for Zazu Where'd he go now!
Scar: Frankly I'm surprised—it's usually me-
Director: Yeah, yeah, you earned our hatred. Now somebody find that bird!
Voice off-screen: HELP!
camera shifts to view Zazu trying his darndest to fly away from a large fan
Zazu: I was caught in the air current! Quickly, it's going to massacre me unless someone turns it off!
Director: That'd be unfortunate, we don't get stunt-doubles until next week. glances at writer …Ahem?
Writer: Oh! quickly runs over and flips the switch on the giant fan
Simba: Why's there a giant fan in the middle of the studio anyway?
Director: Loose lips sink ships! And pesky cubs don't get to frolic in the pyro field between scenes! sits back in chair as Zazu lands on the ground with a heave You'll treat every day like a gift after this, won't you?
Zazu: I'd rather get my deposit back. flies back to Mufasa and Scar
cut to Mufasa, Zazu, and Scar all running to the gorge, Zazu flies ahead, scouts the area, and horrifically sees Simba clinging to a branch
Simba: Zazu, help me!
Zazu: Your father is on the way, hold on! Quickly flies off
Simba: now dangling Hurry!
Director: sighing Well, we've had Simba nearly die twice, the hyena trio go missing in action, and Zazu almost chopped into a million pieces. …Wow, this stampede thing is going better than expected!
Writer: Um, not exactly, sir… Some of the wildebeest strayed off-course and are now actually trampling equipment in the studio. You never really said what specific direction to run in; the bulk of them are going straight but-
Director: waves it off Hyenas 1, 2, and 3 can take care of that.
Writer: …No…they're behind the set devouring our lighting director. through a window in the background, 3 anonymous hyenas can be seen mauling a stagehand
Director: buries his face in his hands Why me?
Mufasa and Scar skid down to a ledge overlooking the gorge, both distraughtly searching the area for Simba; Zazu soon flies up to the two of them
Zazu: pointing There! There, on that tree! view from the ledge of Simba still trying to cling to the branch; view of Mufasa looking horrified
Mufasa: Hold on Simba! right after he says that a wildebeest collides with the tree, nearly causing Simba to lose his grip, he cries in horror, and his father immediately sets into the sea of wildebeest after him
Zazu: Oh Scar this is awful! view of Zazu panicking and Scar just pleasingly taking it all in
Scar: Much like your acting. Zazu halts in mid-flight
Zazu: I beg your-
Scar: Don't apologize to me, apologize to the director for wasting his trivial time.
Zazu: very offended If anyone's to do some apologizing it's-
Director: Oh just shut him up!
Scar: With pleasure. knocks him into a wall
Director: sigh If only we could do that with you… Ok, revive him so we can do this right. the writer and marker man give him silent glances …Right, nobody's here but us three. Ok, CPR time.
Marker Guy and Director: NOT IT!
Writer: Not-! …I should've worked for Pixar…
A disturbing situation later…
Director: Next take!
view of Zazu panicking and Scar just pleasingly taking it all in, until Zazu starts panicking
Zazu: What'll we do, what'll we DO! he looks at the bird neutrally until he says Oh, I'll go back for help! Scar's lip curls That's what I'll do, I'll go back for-
Scar eats him
Director and Writer: NO!
Director: Bad lion! Spit 'im out!
Scar pretends to be oblivious to what the director wants and smirks
Scar: full mouth Mmmph?
Director: Right now Scar! Or I'll have your pay docked tenfold! Scar chuckles, motioning to the Writer …What?
Writer: Apparently he has stock with a lot of other non-Disney companies.
Director: You traitor!
Zazu: beak poking out He's just attempted to kill his brother and nephew and you merely brand him as "traitorous"…AND FAIL TO SAVE ME YET!
Director: sighs I hate having to use this thing. brings out large gun; Scar's eyes widen and he spits Zazu out; the director doesn't notice and shoots it anyway…out the window: a large projectile heads up toward the sky, and explodes to reveal a strange symbol
Nala: The Nala signal!
Director: Right. Say do your mutant powers include super strength or laser vision? 'Cause Scar here could use-
Nala: Actually all that radioactivity finally deluded out.
Director: Drat. …Aw well, looks like he spit out Zazu without the need for any pre-teen-supergirl-justice. Back to the scene!
Zazu: What'll we do, what'll we DO! he looks at the bird neutrally until he says Oh, I'll go back for help! Scar's lip curls That's what I'll do, I'll go back for- "Oomph"'s as Scar whacks him into a ledge, Zazu falls, out cold
Meanwhile Mufasa is still navigating his way through the wildebeest, trying to save his son while at the same time trying not to die himself, view of Mufasa within the herd of wildebeest, and Simba dangling onto life above it, Mufasa does a highly-impressive sliding maneuver under a wildebeest just inches before being trampled, and heads toward the tree, a passing wildebeest knocks him down, and he looks up in time to see another one break the tree, sending Simba flying with a cry, Mufasa leaps up to catch him and…misses by a hair. Simba goes rolling into the stampede.
Mufasa: Simba! dives in after him
Scar: grins This is going better than expected.
Banzai: Says you! I'm still hungry! the film cuts out yet another time, before going back to the scene
Director: Next take!
Mufasa leaps up and catches him in his mouth in the nick of time; cut to view of Scar skulking on a small ledge, carefully watching it all unfold; as he is running a wildebeest crashes into Mufasa and with a surprised roar he drops Simba, who quickly gets up, dodging wildebeest while frantically looking for his dad, who shows up ahead and grabs him just before another wildebeest trips and skids up fullscreen…the camera angle quickly tilts backward
Director: GRAB THE CAMERA! several employees rush forward and try to clutch it, but they fail and the lens cracks as it hits the ground; however, through the cracks, it reveals some employees emerging from a closet
Stagehand #1: Phew! I thought we'd never get away from those hyenas!
Stagehand #2: Yeah, lucky thing we- the surviving stagehands are crushed by the still-stampeding wildebeest
Director: …You gotta admit, they really are committed to the role.
Writer: What about the last stagehand who died?
Director: waves it off That's what life insurance is for. On with the scene! We'll just cut from when the camera starts to fall back.
Mufasa finally finds a cliff and leaps to it, settling his son down to safety…just before he is caught by another wildebeest and roars as he is dragged back into the herd
Simba: Daaaad! Mufasa hits the ground hard; Simba fearfully looks on from the cliff, searching the body of wildebeests for his dad, for a moment he sees only stampede, and the camera zooms closer with every cut back from the herd to him still seeking out his father; finally, after a few agonizing seconds, Mufasa leaps from the herd with a roar and latches onto the cliff beside his son; it is steep, so he uses every bit of his strength to grip on and climb up
Writer: Uh, director, was this part of the scene?
Director: No, um, actually. It ended with him getting trampled to death—this guy is good! they see Scar on the top of the ledge
Writer: Looks like he has an excellent counterpart…
Simba, relieved to see his father is ok, heads up the cliff to meet him at the top, meanwhile, Mufasa has nearly reached the top of the cliff, he digs in his claws as he barely holds on, he looks up in desperation
Mufasa: Scar! view of Scar looking over him impassively, Mufasa nearly falls as he digs his claws in again, his terrified gaze moves upward Brother, back view of him dangling off the cliff and his brother standing there without emotion help me! Scar gazes at him without pity…unaware to the mouse riding Norman atop the cliff behind him in the background; they sit down and the mouse happily nibbles some cheese as Norman catches another fly next to him
Director: HEY! …Hey, mousey! they look back
Mouse: My name's Timothy.
Director: You're in the shot! This takes the dramatics out of everything!
Timothy: What dramatics? There's a mattress on a landing right there—Mufasa's in no real danger.
Director: That's not what the audience will think! we catch a small glimpse of Scar chortling to himself And what's so funny?
Scar: Oh, just your piteous, delusional grip on reality; same as always.
Director: We're almost done people, let's try to make this dramatic! Ac…wait, glances up at the cliff, Scar looks back curiously as well, and upon seeing him, Timothy shrieks and scampers out of the way, Norman scuttles after him Action!
Mufasa: Scar! view of Scar looking over him impassively, Mufasa nearly falls as he digs his claws in again, his terrified gaze moves upward Brother, back view of him dangling off the cliff and his brother standing there without emotion help me! Scar gazes at him without pity, Mufasa's legs scrape the cliff underneath him, and in one swift move Scar digs his claws into Mufasa's paws, Mufasa roars in pain and looks up at his brother, confused and horrified; Scar looms and grins evilly
Scar: a set effect making his voice echo Long live the king… he releases him
Mufasa falls with a scream which is mingled with his son's who has just reached the top of the cliff, seeing his father plummet to the earth and the raging stampede
Simba: NOOOOOOOOOO! zooming out as Simba cries, then cut to him leaping down the gorge wall again as the very last of the herd finally stampedes into the distance
Random stagehand: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MATTRESS WE PUT DOWN?
Timon: standing in front of a vending machine backstage and rubbing his chin Hmm…should I get the Beetle Truffle, or the Caterpillar Crunch? glances over his shoulder Hey Pumbaa what do y-…Pumbaa? sees his warthog friend is upset Pumbaa! What's the matter, buddy?
Pumbaa: It's just sniffles, blowing into a blue hankey this next scene…it always tears me up.
Timon: Oh, yeah… Hey, I know what could make you feel better!
Pumbaa: looking up in hope Really?
Timon: Do I! Why don'tcha lend your ol' pal Timon 5 bucks? …sees Pumbaa giving him a look What? I know, it's a rip-off, but I NEED a June-bug candy bar! …Well if you know a better way for me to get 5 dollars I'd like to hear it!
Pumbaa: What about all that money you've been making off this drive-in scheme?
Timon: Well…a good chunk of it kinda went to this vending machine. Oh, and my brand-new helicopter! pulls a remote from behind his back and pushes a button; a large crate collapses to reveal an even bigger chopper…in the shape of the meerkat's head Not too shabby, huh? Might even make a great escape just in case you know who get wind of the situation.
view of Gituku and T looking at menus in a semi-casual restaurant
Gituku: Would you relax? You saw him climb out of that rubble.
T: That would've took a lot of energy. What if Banzai collapsed?
Gituku: He lived a good life. …He lived a life. …He lived. Banzai suddenly bursts through the doorway, badly roughed up, but alive There, he's fine. T warily watches as he drags himself to their table, Gituku could care less NOW can you chill out? Banzai cuts in front of his vision, breathing heavily in what could be rage or exhaustion Nice of you to join us Ban-Ban, but this is kind of a private-
Banzai: on the brink of eruption Gituku, I am gonna f-
Waitress: walks up Hello, my name is Tammy, I'll be your server for this evening. Can I start you off with some drinks?
T: noticing Banzai has the tire iron behind his back Uh…
Gituku: This place serves alcohol, right?
Waitress: Awww, it's so nice of you to take your little sister out. Banzai suddenly cools down as Gituku gawks
Banzai: pointing Ha!
…Sorry if it sucked, I've been away for too long. Thanks to Jagabor and Kovukono for the comedic help once again. And sorry about the…yeah, no more year-over marks for me. And if there are you may flame me contemptuously.