101 Things I Must Not Do in Erik's Lair
1. I will not use Erik's mask as a Frisbee.
2. I will not remove Erik's mask without his permission.
3. I will not remove Erik's mask with his permission.
4. I will not touch Erik's mask, period. I will not even think about touching the mask, period, especially if I am a young, beautiful soprano with talent.
5. I will not bring mirrors that aren't already there into Erik's lair. He will not appreciate it.
6. I will not play with Erik's Christine dolls… again.
7. I will not bring my stuffed animals, dolls, or action figures into the lair to play with Erik's dolls… more than once.
8. The Punjab Lasso is not a toy.
9. The torture chamber is not a toy.
10. I am not allowed to use the noose in said torture chamber as a swing.
11. The iron tree in said torture chamber is not there for me to climb on. Doing so will result in Erik shutting me in said torture chamber for the rest of my life, which will probably not be very long once the torture begins...
12. Erik does not appreciate it when I use the trap doors without his permission, especially to get into his lair.
13. The underground lake is not a swimming pool. I am therefore not allowed to swim in it, have a pool party in it, throw pool toys in it, or install a diving board or slide near it.
14. Erik's name is Erik. It is not OG, despite him constantly signing his notes to the managers "O.G.", and I may not call him such.
15. I am not allowed to drop chandeliers on Raoul without Erik's permission.
16. I cannot sneak up on Erik. Not even a little bit.
17. Erik does not like it when I use the insult 'your face'. He does not like the insult 'your mom', either.
18. Erik does not want a hug. I therefore will never attempt to hug Erik.
19. I am not Christine. Erik does not love me. I will therefore stop trying to seduce him.
20. Neither Ayesha nor Erik appreciates it when I bring my pet dog into the lair.
21. I will stop referring to Erik's lair as "The Bat cave", and Erik himself as "The Dungeon Bat".
22. Erik does not want to read Harry Potter. I will therefore stop asking him if he does.
23. If I bring anything mint-flavored into Erik's lair, Erik will eat it before I get the chance to.
24. Erik does not like it when I sit on top of his organ while he's playing.
25. Playing Erik's organ with my feet is not a good way to impress him.
26. Erik does not want make-up, and he will personally strangle me if I ever use the 'M word' again.
27. Erik hates it when I use the word 'like' as a filler word, and he is prepared to remind me of this painfully at any time...
28. Getting Erik angry is not as good of an idea as it sounds, and will result in my very painful death.
29. I will not spray-paint Erik's mask glow-in-the-dark, pink, yellow, or any other color or pattern other than the color it originally was.
30. I will not put thumbtacks on Erik's chairs or benches… again.
31. I will stop comparing Erik to Severus Snape, Gríma Wormtongue, or any other lurk-happy, creepy guy from any other novel.
32. I will stop asking Erik if he has the One Ring in his lair or knows where Mount Doom is.
33. If I draw on Erik's mask while he's sleeping, I will die in my sleep that same night.
34. I will not egg and TP Erik's lair and surrounding territory, then laugh and run away… more than once.
35. If I must listen to music other than Erik's, I will bring an iPod, MP3 player, or CD player. Bringing anything that blasts music into the entire room will end very, very badly.
36. I must never put a large sign on Erik's back that reads "Trademark to Gaston Leroux, re-trademarked to Andrew Lloyd Webber." He will not appreciate it – plus, it's extremely difficult to hide in the shadows when you have a large white piece of paper stuck to your predominantly black outfit.
37. If I am a phangirl or if I am dealing with Gerik, I will not attempt to get Erik drunk until he passes out. When he wakes up and discovers me within his personal space or beyond, he will throttle me, torture me to death, and then kill me - though not necessarily in that order.
38. If Erik (and especially Gerik) starts beating himself, up about his deformity, I will not say, "Well, that's what you get for sunbathing on the roof of the opera house." Erik's response to this will not be in my favor.
39. I will not call Erik 'Mr. Twirly-cloak-O-Doom', 'Mr. Dramatic-Exit-O-Doom', or 'Mr. Loom-O-Doom'. I may not call him 'Mr. Falling-Chandelier-O-Doom', either.
40. Making stupid faces at Erik will not make him laugh.
41. Erik does not want a facial. I will not offer him one. I will not speak about it.
42. I will not keep following Erik around whilst humming his theme music. Contrary to popular belief, it does get very annoying after a while.
43. I may not use the torture chamber as a tanning booth.
44. I will not ask Erik to disco, tango, or break dance.
45. Contrary to popular belief, running around in a mask and cape and claiming that my face is horribly scarred will not endear me to Erik.
46. Constantly referring to both Erik and me in the third person is not funny.
47. I will not ask Erik if he wants pie. He doesn't.
48. I will not ask Erik if he wants 'pie'. Unless I am Christine, he doesn't.
49. I will not ask Erik what he would do.
50. I will not put pickles in Erik's coffin, as this is not a nice thing to do.
51. I will not pour tons of lemonade mix into the underground lake in order to make it taste good if I fall in and get water in my mouth.
52. I am not allowed to wear Erik's Fedora. Ever.
53. I am not allowed to wear Erik's mask. Ever.
54. I am not allowed to wear any other article of Erik's clothing. Ever.
55. Taking a bag of manure, setting it at the entrance to Erik's lair, and setting said bag on fire is not a nice prank, and Erik will not appreciate it. Rather, he will find and skin me alive, then kill me.
56. I must never dive off the gondola while Erik is paddling it.
57. I must never, ever run and do a cannonball into the lake in an attempt to splash Erik.
58. I must never, at any time, glomp Erik.
59. I will not ask Erik if he wants a coke.
60. I will not sing the Dr. Pepper jingle, asking Erik if he "would like to be a Pepper, too."
61. I will not storm up to Erik and ask in a demanding tone, "Where's the BEEF?!"
62. I will not sing the Free Credit Report Pirates song.
63. I will not sing The Emo Song.
64. I will not sing The Fun Song or anything else from Spongebob Squarepants.
65. I will not sing any song I find amusing. Ever.
66. I will not use his Don Juan Triumphant score for funny doodles of Christine and Raoul with goatees and glasses. As much as he might like the Raoul ones, he will certainly not appreciate the fact that I used his prized composition for paper. He'll probably also kill me for the Christine ones.
67. I will not flop over on the floor and whine for Erik to help me because "I've fallen and I can't get up."
68. Erik is not a banana, and he does not particularly care if "my spoon is too big."
69. I will not purposefully wait for dramatic pauses in Erik's singing or speech and yell "SPOON!"
70. Similarly, I will not purposefully wait for dramatic moments before I fart. Better yet, I will not fart if Erik is in the room, period.
71. I will not give Erik a pink, sparkly mask for his birthday.
72. I will not blast Hannah Montana or Jonas Brothers in, near, or around the lair. Doing so will get me Punjabbed.
73. I will not replace Erik's Punjab lasso with a different one made of bright yellow rope, as this will get me strangled with both the rope and the Punjab lasso.
74. Yelling "PUNJABB'D!" whenever Erik strangles someone is not helpful and will not endear me to Erik.
75. 'Gerik', 'Phan', 'Raoul', and 'Schumacher' are swearwords, and I must not use them anywhere in the lair.
76. If Erik is stalking me, a safety pin will not save me.
77. Allowing my fellow phans into the Lair is strictly prohibited.
78. I must never, under any circumstances, attempt to hide under/in/behind Erik's cape, pipe organ, coffin, swan bed, torture chamber, fedora, underground lake, gondola, or room.
79. I must not use the swan bed as a flotation device.
80. I must not use the pipe organ as a flotation device.
81. I must not use the coffin as a flotation device.
82. I must not use Erik as a flotation device.
83. As hard as I may try, I simply cannot fit inside the largest pipe on the organ in an attempt to spy on Erik for the following reasons: A) I cannot spy on Erik without the threat of immediate death hanging on my head. B) I am not small enough to fit in the pipe. C) I cannot get back out should I manage to get in, as organ pipes are not made for me to hide in. D) Organ pipes enhance sound, and therefore my immature giggling will echo throughout the room. E) Should I ever find myself inside the pipe organ whilst Erik is playing it, I will immediately go deaf from the volume of the note echoing in said pipe.
84. Erik will do anything, but not for a Klondike bar and certainly not for me.
85. I will not replace Erik's mask with a Hockey mask and play the theme from Halloween.
86. I will not put a Chucky doll amongst Erik's Christine dolls, especially in a ludicrous position with one of them, and see if he notices. He will.
87. I will not purposefully squish a spider in front of Erik.
88. I will not mistakenly squish a spider in front of Erik.
89. No matter how arachnophobic I am, I must never go through Erik's lair with a can of Raid in an attempt to eliminate all the spiders.
90. I will not run around in Erik's Red Death costume.
91. Trick or treating at Erik's doorstep, especially if I am dressed as Erik or any other PotO character, will not win me any brownie points.
92. Erik does not care about my facial blemishes, scars, or unibrow and whining about how I'm "soooo ugly" because of these things will not go over well.
93. I must never poke Erik.
94. I must never hum the Jeopardy theme whilst Erik is thinking.
95. Leetspeak and chatspeak is strictly prohibited in Erik's lair.
96. Pretending to 'hang' Ayesha is a cruel prank, and I must never play this prank on Erik under any circumstances, lest I wind up hanging from the rafters of the opera house the next morning.
97. Playing 'Got-Your-Nose' does not amuse Erik.
98. Making references to Lon Cheney will not amuse Erik.
99. Making Erik watch the 2004 movie with Gerard Butler will not go over well.
100. Erik does not appreciate it when I pick my nose in front of him, as he finds it very offensive, although for different reasons than the traditional ones.
101. Comparing Erik to Freddy Krueger is not a good idea, as they have next to nothing in common and Erik is more likely to be angered than amused.