Hum ho...a bleach fic! erm...i dunno how it's gonna go... I love reading these kinds of things, it's hilarious, but um, as for writing them... the only thing hiliarious is how hard i tried and how it still turned out so stupid. sigh. well. here goes. -dies- Enjoy.

Rukia takes a Saturday afternoon nap and wakes up to an awkward...conversation between Ichigo and Renji...T for sexual innuendo and language.

xXx Beyond The Closet Door xXx


It was Saturday, a day to have fun. That was how Rukia spent it with her two guy buddies, Ichigo and Renji. The three of them went out window shopping (well there were some actual purchases) and had lunch at the new restaurant that opened in Karakura just a week ago. Then they went back home to Ichigo's house.

Renji lay on Ichigo's bed, listening to the radio. Ichigo sat at his desk reading the new manga volume he bought. Rukia sat in the closet with the door open, playing with her new Chappy keychains. She got twelve of them, six per pack. First she'd seen one pack that cost ten dollars and cooed over them and was going to buy them, when Renji offered to buy them for her. But then Ichigo said he'd pay for them if she'd like. Renji got pissed, and Ichigo did too, of course, so the two started arguing in the store, attracting the attentions of a few passersby, and it was embarrassing for Rukia. So she picked out another pack of Chappy keychains that were version two, held it up in Ichigo's face, and told him he could pay ten dollars for those if he really wanted to. So that was how she came to have two ten dollar packs of Chappy keychains. After playing with them for a while, though, she got tired and decided to take an afternoon nap. She closed the door of the closet and went to sleep, and visions of Chappy ducks or bunnies or whatnot danced in her head.

When she woke up she didn't know what time it was. Rukia didn't keep a clock in the closet, she just opened the door and looked at Ichigo's if she ever needed to know the hour. It happened to be one of those times. But when she got closer to the door, she realized there were voices.

"Dammit, Ichigo!" Renji cried. "I...I can't do it."

Rukia heard Ichigo groan. "Come on, for God's sake. I thought you, of all people, would have done this before."

"W-well, I haven't! And it's nothing to be ashamed of, so don't tease me."

What could they be talking about, wondered Rukia.

"Just push it in, that's all you have to do," said Ichigo.

"You make it sound so easy. Have YOU done it before?"

It? IT? What's it? Not THAT it?! Big eyes grew even bigger, and a blush tinged her cheeks.

"All the time, Renji."

There was no reply to that that Rukia heard. She couldn't think of a reply to that either. Is Ichigo a whore?

"Are you going to do it or not?" Ichigo demanded.

Renji sighed. "Alright, let me get comfortable. This is big for me."

Ichigo snorted. "Don't get all sappy."

"Here I go..."

Rukia's ear was plastered against the closet door. She heard a grunt that must have been from Renji, because then she heard Ichigo moan, "OH MY GOD" very loudly. But not in that way. In a frustrated way, as in the redhead still hadn't done whatever it was Ichigo wanted him to do.

Ichigo sighed heavily. "IT GOES IN THE GODDAMN HOLE!"

"What hole?!"

"That one."

"...Oh. I knew that! Really," the redhead insisted. "But... it's ...I'm having ...difficulties..."

"I hadn't noticed," Ichigo spoke with sarcasm stuffed in a box and wrapped in a bow. "Word of advice, dumbass, it won't go in easily if it's not stiff and rigid."

If what's not stiff and rigid...? The blush on Rukia's face burned.

"Give me a minute," said Renji.

"Do I need to help you with that?" she heard Ichigo offer. "Uh, er, never mind, I guess you've got that taken care of... Now slide it in gent-GENTLY! AHH!" Ichigo hissed. "Renji! Damn you."

"My bad."

"I think I'm bleeding."

"Like I care. Should I do it harder?"

Heat continued to radiate off of Rukia's face. She was still leaning against the door, though since they were kind of loud now she didn't need to be plastered against it. She debated whether or not she should open the door yet to stop whatever strange or awkward activity might be happening between the two men.

"No," her roommate said.

"I'm doing it anyway."

"RENJI!" Ichigo screamed.

At that moment the closet door chose to give way. Rukia realized she wasn't leaning against anything solid anymore, and then she connected with the hard floor of Ichigo's room with an "oof!" Remembering the situation, she quickly scrambled off the floor and sat up.


"Er..." said Renji.

She looked up to meet the stares of her two buds, one of which was holding a juice pack, while the other was poised with his arms still in his shirtsleeves, apparently halfway through taking his shirt off. But Renji still had his shirt on, and both had their pants on.

"Um...Ichigo! I think you need to replace your closet door! Haha...ha..." Rukia chuckled nervously.

"Why...would we need to make ourselves decent?" Ichigo asked.

Renji smacked him. "Put your shirt back on!"

"Oh, right, well, I can't because a certain idiot doesn't know how to drink grape juice and stained it!" Ichigo snarled.

"Huh?" Rukia was quite confused. Apparently things hadn't happened the way she was imagining them.

"I'm sorry they don't have goddamn juice packs in Soul Society!" Renji yelled back in his face. "They're stupid anyway! Why put juice in a freaking complicated bag when bottles with a cap have already been invented?"

"All you have to do is poke the straw through the hole! And you can't even do that right. Now my thumb's bleeding because you missed and stabbed me with the straw."

"I could have done it myself. You put yourself in danger," Renji retorted.

Ichigo looked skeptical. "You'd been going at it for half an hour. Even Rukia didn't take that long to figure out how to drink from a juice box, and I mean, you know Rukia." He earned a painful, throbbing lump on the side of his head.

"Well, now that I know that you two aren't having gay sex with each other, I'm going out for some ice cream. Don't do anything that could corrupt Chappy!" she said as she headed for the door. Then she backtracked and picked up the pack of keychains. "On second thought, I'll play it safe and take them with me." With that, and Chappy, she left.

Ichigo and Renji were stunned.

"Gay? Sex? Us? How?" spluttered the redhead, not understanding how Rukia had been able to think of such a thing.

Ichigo shuddered and shook his head. "Girls. Their minds have been corrupted by yaoi..."


Ichigo's still shirtless...i quite like the sight. now just to imagine another shirtless somebody on top of Ichigo...tee hee.. Owwie. -earned a few painful throbbing lumps on my head- wasn't that great I know, but it's better than the original one I wrote a few months ago. I have it posted on DeviantArt. my friends are really perverted already anyway, and they already thought the wrong thing (which was actually the right thing if you get what i mean). It was between Ichigo and Rukia and she had a juice box, and...yeah it really sucked. So they must be extremely perverted. I think this is a better version that I improvised on. I guess I think it turned out pretty well.

Hope you enjoyed, I'd really like to read any reviews with comments or questions or constructive criticism. Which I only got a few times... I really don't mind if you say "THIS SUCKED KUROTSUCHI'S BALLZ" (or perhaps lack of them? i'm gonna get myself killed/poisoned/tortured or something...) as long as you say why because just saying "THIS SUCKED KUROTSUCHI'S BALLZ" (or lack of them) and not telling me why doesn't help me stop writing crap that STILL SUCKS KUROTSUCHI'S BALLZ (or lack of them). I wonder, if he does have them, if he made them extendable and whatnot like his hands...oh god disturbing image disturbing image disturbing image...