A/N: Alright, so here we go: Just a quick one-shot that needed to be written almost immediately after I thought of it; you know how it goes sometimes. Anyway, in the episode, "My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu," (The episode right after, "My Fallen Idol") Dr. Cox rants to a patient in the beginning and reveals the honest truth: that he had been attempting to drink himself to death to be reunited with his patients. While it was that comment that lead me to this one-shot, don't let the time line fool you. This little number takes place the night of the party at the bar at the end of, "My Fallen Idol," that was held for Perry's full recovery. Well, it's after the party, but you get me. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own a very large nothing.
His New Mantra
I watch on quietly as Jack continues to sleep in his bed. The kid has a lot of energy, that's for sure, but when he sleeps like this, just looking at him makes me feel calm. His hair is framed by that blonde mop of his, and I can't help but wonder when it's going to begin to curl. The corners of my lips begin to curve into a small smile, until I realize what I spent the last few days trying to accomplish. What I would have accomplished if it weren't for…if it weren't for, you know…all of them. Those peons I have to go to work with every single day, and God, the number one peon of them all, well he…I guess he…
I guess he really saved my ass.
But that's not the point I'm trying to make here. What I'm remembering, what my damn conscious won't stop reminding me of, is what I was all set and ready to give up. My kid. My son.
My logic seemed so absolute at the time: Drink till your liver calls it quits. Die and be reunited with those whose lives were taken by your mistake; your very, very stupid mistake. Drink till every last drop has settled into the pit of your stomach and finally, finally get the well deserved rest you've been waiting for.
And Jordan? She'll be fine. She's tough; real tough. She'll make it. She'll be okay.
And Jack? Jack's only three. He won't remember having a dad, and what he won't remember he won't miss. The she-devil is strong enough to be both parents, so Jack? Well, Jack would be just fine.
That was my plan; my so called, "logic." Though in reality, it was simply this: Selfishness, cowardness, a shit load of guilt, and complete idiocy.
There. I acknowledged it. I had been a complete coward; selfish and stupid to the very last drop.
But I never got to the last drop. I never got to the bottom of the bottle because he came in, Mr. Sensitive, but…but I'm not complaining. I'm…
"You okay, sweetie?"
Jordan's arms snake around my middle and fold across my front. She's being awfully affectionate tonight. She was being nice at the "party" too, and not just to me, but to everybody.
I think she's thankful as well. Thankful that they were able to do what she could not. But I'm not mad at Jordan's inability to pour out her emotions in my – ugh, I hate to think of it like this, but – in my, "Time of need." I'm not mad at her because there's nothing she could've said that would have pulled me out of it. She knows that, and so do I. Yet the mere fact that she didn't run away, didn't scoop up Jack in her arms and drive him over to her mothers house, well…that was a lot from Jordan.
From Jordan, I…from Jordan, that was love.
But now I'm back to square one: The people I would've given up on. This tiny person before me: Jack.
I repeat his name over and over again in my mind. Jack. My son. My kid. Don't you ever let yourself forget that, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, my mind scolds. But it's a good kind of scolding, one that I need. And I'm savoring this – my son's name set on repeat – because this amazing new mantra of mine is a reminder of one of the rare but beautiful things I've been allowed in this life.
And Jordan, God – how could I have been so stupid? Hell yeah, she's strong. But the last time I waved her off as the hard ass woman who could take a good hit, look what happened then? I had no idea she'd been grieving over Ben, so really, I just need to stop it with all the damn assuming.
Oh right. I haven't answered her yet.
"Yeah, I'm okay."
And the crazy thing about it is this: I really am. I'm okay. And I know work in the morning is going to be difficult, and I know Newbie won't be able to contain that ridiculous, over exaggerated excitement of his, but I think I can let that one slide this time around, because let's face it - I owe the kid a lot…
But besides all that, the answer is yes. I'm okay. I'm more than okay. I'm –
Jordan peers over my shoulder in surprise as I look down at my son, slightly taken aback myself. Damn it, I didn't mean to wake him up, but now that he is… "Hey, Jack-O."
He suddenly points to my face and smiles. "All gone!" he says happily, albeit still a little sleepily.
I frown in confusion, though I can hear Jordan snicker against my ear. What don't I get that she does, and what exactly is Jack talking about? "What's all gone?"
He begins to rub at his own face, and I suddenly understand. "No more beard," he finally replies, and I really can't help but laugh.
"Yup. I shaved it off."
"Don't worry, kiddo, you won't have to worry about that for a long time."
He blinks at me drowsily before his eye lids finally give in to exhaustion and shut. I smile down at him, only vaguely aware of the studious look Jordan is giving me. I think she's a little surprised when I pull her in, pressing my lips to her temple like a life line, but she leans into me so beautifully and I just…
We don't really say anything after that. There's no need. She just follows me into the bedroom as we leave our words at the door, because I know she knows, and she knows I know too.
Sleep tonight will be bliss.
A/N: Short, sweet and to the point, yes? Well, I hope so anyway. Okay, guys, I'm off. Until next time!
P.S. – For those reading, "My Hypnotism" no worries. I'm working on it, I assure you. lol