The bird explodes with a bang. Thousands of tiny clay pieces are shot into the midnight air by the pressure, disappearing in the dark.
"Aren't you afraid you could wake up your neighbors?", Sasori asks.
We're in my bedroom again. Of course I didn't run out of chakra. The bird didn't crash but brought us back to the open window safely.
I've never thought about them before. My house is surrounded by a big garden with a lot of trees, the other houses are far away. Well, not that far away, actually. Sasori is probably right. My neighbors are likely to hear the noise of my birds being blown up by me every night.
I curse myself for being that ignorant. I always complain that people don't care about others, but I'm just the same. Not giving a damn about anyone else.
"Let's go back to bed", Sasori says and yawns.
He takes my hand, slowly dragging me along. I close the window and follow him. He lies down on the right this time, obviously too tired to noitce we have changed sides. I don't mind, though. The bathroom is on the right, but I'm sure I won't have to go there again tonight.
Sasori falls asleep immediately, but I can't. I'm fully awake, maybe because of the fresh air in here. I start to think about my neighbors again, although it's not important at all. I always think about things like that. Unnecessary thoughts. Like nearly all of my thoughts. I bend my head and stare at Sasori, who is smiling in his sleep. I wish I could close my eyes and dream something nice and peaceful, just like him. But instead I'm wondering how many people I have woken up a few minutes ago. Six, at least.
Sasori… I still can't believe he's lying in my bed. I keep staring at him. Even though it's dark in here, I can see every detail of his face. His incredibly long eye lashes. His cute little nose, making him appear much younger than he is. His soft red lips. I want to kiss them again. I just want to bend down and kiss them. But for some reason, I don't.
I must have fallen asleep in the end. When I open my eyes, the room is already flooded with light. I can't believe how messy it actually is. It looks as if my whole life took place in here. Oh well. It actually does. I'm not using the other rooms very much, only the kitchen and the bathrooms, one downstairs and one upstairs. Everything else I do in here. Working, a little bit of my training, sleeping, eating, drinking. Drinking, yes. I drink a lot. Not too much. Just a lot.
I suddenly get aware of Sasori's hands, which are wrapped around me tightly from behind, his body close to mine. They must have been there all night, but I only notice now. I can tell that he's awake, he's not snoring anymore. I don't say anything, though. At the moment, I don't want to talk. I just want to lie there and be held by him. He moves closer to me, his face almost touching mine.
"Dei-chan", he whispers, "are you awake?"
I don't turn around to look at him. It's stupid, but somehow I'm afraid he could look different than yesterday. Less beautiful, maybe.
"Dei-chan", he repeats, voice still quiet, "may I touch you?"
What a silly question. He already is touching me. His hands have moved to my face, carefully brushing my hair out of it.
"Of course, hn."
A shiver runs down my spine when his hand starts to crawl down my neck. I really, really like being touched there.
"May I kiss you, Dei-chan?", he continues, "There, I mean."
His fingers stop at my shoulder blade, slowly drawing circles.
"You don't have to ask my permission, hn."
I don't have the faintest idea why he keeps asking me. He kissed me several times yesterday. Why shouldn't he be allowed to do it now? It doesn't make much difference whether he kisses me on my mouth or my neck. His lips feel good on my body, no matter where. He doesn't press them down, though. He just brushes them slightly against my skin. I close my eyes. It's nice to start the day like that. I almost forgot how good it feels to wake up next to somebody else.
"You're still beautiful", he says, "for some reason I was afraid you could look different today."
His fingers keep moving, gently stroking me. I can't believe how careful he is. As if he was afraid to break me or something. Well, he could. Easily. He could simply get out of bed and leave the house without a word. But he doesn't. He stays here, in my bed. He slowly uncovers my shoulder, pulling my shirt away just a little bit, then brings his lips down once again. I lie still under his touch.
"Is this okay with you?", Sasori asks.
Hell yes, it is. I can't remember when I was treated like this before. With so much care. So much love. He's so different from them. The people that touched me before. I was afraid he could be like them at first, but he isn't at all. He doesn't pull my hair, doesn't dig his fingernails into my flesh, doesn't cover my mouth with his hand to keep me from screaming.
"Is this okay with you?", Sasori repeats, "Or am I going too far?
He stops kissing me, but his hand keeps moving, slowly caressing my neck. A wave of excitement starts to roll through my body, making me feel hot all over. Oh God, I'll get all horny if he doesn't stop touching me there.
I can't help that. I get turned on easily. My body is weak, just like back then.
"Deidara, please say something."
Sasori's voice is shaky. Great. Once again, I've succeeded to make him worry.
"I need a shower, hn."
Yes, there are a lot of things I could have said instead of this. But the words just slip out of my mouth, like they always do.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?", Sasori asks.
I turn around and give him a kiss. Just a little one on the cheek. He understands what I'm trying to tell him by that, and smiles at me.
"You were lying there without any motion", he says, "I didn't know how to interpret that."
I don't know how to interpret that, either. I just know that I'm all hot and sweaty now, and I'm sure I smell of sex, even though nothing happened yet.
"I just need a shower, hn."
It's cold in the bathroom. I forgot to close the window when I was in here tonight. I turn on the water and start to undress. I hope Sasori is still lying in the bed and doesn't try to follow me. I've locked the door, like I always do, even when I'm alone. I don't feel comfortable with my doors unlocked. The thought of a sexy red head in my shower gives me a thrill, but for some reason I don't want him to join me. I'm not ready for that yet.
I take a look in the mirror, a thing I haven't done in a while. The only thing I care about is my hair. All the other features of my body I don't like very much. Although people keep telling me I look good, I can't stand looking at myself. Yes, my eyes are of a pretty blue, but they look so sad, so empty I want to gouge them out from time to time. Especially the left one. It reminds me of so much pain, of my unability to handle life.
I realize that my face is flushed, and for some reason I like it. I don't look that absent-minded today, but much better, healthier, and – happy. I smile, and find myself to like it as well. Maybe this day will be different. Maybe things are changing. Maybe the dark thoughts and feelings won't be there from now on.
I step into the shower and start to wash my hair. The smile is still on my face, I can't see it but feel it. Feels good. I feel good.
Oh my God, did I really use the words feel and good to describe myself?
I can still feel Sasori's lips on mine, and on my neck, and my shoulder. For a short moment, I imagine him standing behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my shoulder, whispering into my ear. Those words, the three words I haven't heard from anyone in a while.
He loves me… This guy loves me… Me…
All of a sudden, the voices in my head start talking again, drowning all the positive thoughts I've had a minute ago.
He's lied to you… He's just said it to torture you… He just wants your body… He doesn't love you… He's a liar… liar… liar…
I almost scream out loud.
The liquid running down my arms isn't clear anymore. It's red. Deep red.
Shit. What monster have I become? I don't even notice it anymore when I hurt myself…
My heart starts racing. I'm covered in blood, thick streams flowing down my arms, my chest, my legs, collecting at the bottom of the shower in a brownish puddle.
It doesn't even hurt. I don't feel myself. I don't feel anything at all. I just hear myself pant like from far away, breath coming quick and hasty. I'm hyperventilating. Again. Without reason.
Why… Why does this always have to happen? This isn't real… can't be real… I felt so good today…
This. Is. Not. Real.
I turn down the temperature as far as it will go. The only thing I can think of right now. The cold water on my back makes me gasp, and finally I succeed to catch my breath again. I don't move, I just remain standing under the shower, the ice cold water painfully hitting my body.
I don't know how many minutes pass by until I turn off the water. The blood has vanished completely. There's just water. Clear, fresh water.
I get out of the shower and start to examine my body. No cuts. No single scratch on my arms, apart from the scars. So it was just my imagination, my sick mind playing a nasty trick on me, flooding my vision with pictures that scare the shit out of me. I don't know if I should feel sad or happy about that.
Which is worse? Cutting yourself without noticing or seeing something that isn't real but fucking feels like it?
I start to brush my hair, untangling the strands without care. I don't give a damn if it hurts. I feel numb, anyway.
Two blue eyes are staring at me from the mirror, not showing any emotion. I raise my hand and slap myself. Hard. Right across my face. Why do I have to be that way? Why can't they just go away, the pictures, the thoughts, the memories, the voices? You're no good… You're not worth anything… You… better… kill… yourself…
Shut the fuck up.