Title: Don't Jump
Summary: Warning: lots and lots of angst. Dark theme. A song fic based on the Tokio Hotel song: Don't Jump ONESHOT
Disclaimer: don't own them, blah, blah, blah…
Author's note: I'm not a Tokio Hotel fan, but they have two songs I love and one of them is Spring Nicht. The lyrics are from the English version of this song, Don't Jump. Hope you'll like it!
"Sammy, get down now" Dean's voice sounds so calm, yet it's a bit shaky, like he's worried.
I don't even turn around to face him "You're not there" I say.
On top of the roof
The air is so cold and so calm
I say your name in silence
You don't wanna hear it right now
He sighs. Even if I can't see him I know there's worry written all over his face. I can hear him fidgeting and I smile a little. He never could stay still for long.
I look down into the night. It would be so simple. One step. One step is all it would take to make it all go away. Dean, the pain, and even that rooftop I'm standing on. Only one little step and I would be free. It sounded so simple, and yet my legs are trembling badly.
The eyes of the city
Are counting the tears falling down
Each one a promise
Of everything you never found
"Believe what you want" he finally says "But if you jump, you'll go to Hell" I finally turn to give him a quizzical look "Didn't think about it, did you?" he says, smirking "Suicide is a sin. You'll end up rotting in Hell for this"
I can barely see him through the tears in my eyes "Better be in Hell with you than on the earth alone" I choke out.
He looks like I punched him. Now, there's no worry on his face anymore. Just hurt. "Sammy" he says brokenly and I mentally curse myself for hurting him again "Get down. Please."
I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you
I look away, because I just can't stand looking at him anymore. He's not there, I know that. It's just my imagination making me see him. My brother's dead. I burned his body (just like he wanted) then dispersed his ashes on mom's grave. And right now his soul is suffering the torments of Hell.
Because of me.
Because I couldn't save him. He's spend his entire life watching out for me, making sure I was okay. He always said it was his job. He never hesitated to sell his soul to save my life. He made a stupid deal, and I promised I would get him out of it.
I wonder what he would say if he knew that I'd spent an entire night with a gun in my hands, wanting to put a bullet through my brain and set my brother free. I wanted to do it, so badly, yet I couldn't bring myself to even put the gun to my head. I ended up putting the gun back in our duffel, telling myself it would hurt Dean too much.
But now, I wish I had done it. Because a life without Dean isn't worth living and I'd give anything, anything to have my brother back. Hell, I've been sticking up with him my whole life, how could he expect me to get over it so easily?
Don't let memories go
Of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump
"I tried" I whisper "I tried so hard to save you. But I couldn't… I couldn't… I'm so sorry…" I end up sobbing like a child.
"I know" he answers, and I can tell he's crying too "But it's not you fault, Sammy. You've done your best"
"Then my best wasn't good enough"
You open your eyes
But you can't remember what for
The snow falls quietly
You just can't feel it no more
I can hear him shift behind me. "Bobby's coming" he says "Sammy please, get down"
I hear him give a quiet sob and I hate myself even more. God, why can't I just take that final step and finish it all once and for all? Why are my legs shaking so much?
"I'm going to do it, Dean. And then I'll join you"
"And make my death mean nothing" he says bitterly.
I turn around, shocked. His gaze is cold and angry "Do you think I saved your life to see you step off a rooftop?! I didn't die in vain, Samuel Winchester!" he yells.
"You shouldn't have died at all!" I yell back, now turning completely to face him "What happened to 'what's dead should stay dead'?! Was it a lie, or did it just apply to you?!" he looks at me with a shattered look upon his face, which just makes me even angrier "How could you do such a thing, Dean? What made you think my life is worth more than yours?!"
He looks down as tears escape his eyes "It was my…"
"Don't even dare say it was your damn job!" I bark "Tell me Dean, did you even think about what it would do to me? To live knowing exactly when I was gonna lose you? To hear you make jokes about your last days on earth? And then to see you get torn up and ripped apart by the Hell Hounds? Tell me, big brother, how did you think I would feel?!"
Somewhere out there
You lost yourself in your pain
You dream of the end
To start all over again
His shoulders slump as he starts to cry openly. For a moment I almost forget that I'm about to let go and jump into eternity. "How dare you leaving me alone, Dean?" I say, barely above a whisper "Now look what came out of it. You're in Hell and I'm talking to some product of my imagination"
He looks up and I suddenly want to hug him tight and never let go. Like these nights when I was a kid when I'd wake up from a nightmare and Dean would come up to me and hold me tight until I went back to sleep.
"It's not your imagination" he finally says "I'm really here. I don't know how long I'll be able to stay here, but this is real. I am real"
"So you climbed out of Hell? You're really back?" I'm aware of how childish I sound, but I feel to numb to care.
He gives me a sad smile "No Sammy" he says softly.
I don't know how long
I can hold you so strong
I don't know how long
I look down at my feet as a sob shakes my body. I should have known.
"Then if you would excuse me" I say, turning back to face my fate "I've got something to do"
"No!" Dean shouts "Please Sam, don't do this" his voice breaks as he starts to sob "Don't do this, I'm begging you. Watching you kill yourself would be a lot worse than anything they do to me"
A third voice just echoed in the air. Bobby. "Sam, get down here!" he says, sounding worried.
Just take my hand
Give it a chance
I feel a hand gently grabbing my arm and I turn, expecting to see Bobby. But all I can see are my brother's eyes looking into mine, smiling softly through his tears "Do it Sammy. Get down"
I look at his hand on my arm and it's too much for me. I turn completely and get down on the ground, but my legs buckled and I land on my butt, sobbing. Dean kneels beside me and hugs me tight as I cry "It's gonna be okay Sammy" he whispers "I promise. I'll watch over you. You just keep fighting for me, okay? "
I give him a tiny nod. Dean gives me one last of his trademark smirks "That's my boy" he says before disappearing into thin air. I can feel strong hands grabbing me by my shoulders and gently getting me on my feet.
"Easy there son" Bobby says soothingly "You kinda scared me here"
"Sorry" I say "Won't happen again"
"You promise?" Bobby asks, his face deadly serious.
Somehow I manage to smile at him "I promise"
Bobby gives me a pat on the back "Come on, let's get home" he says.
As we get back to the Impala, I look up to the sky, whispering the last promise I made my brother.
"I'll keep fighting Dean. For you"
Please don't jump
And if all that can't hold you back
I'll jump for you
Thank you all for reading!
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