I have lost the person most precious to me.
The godson who had opened my eyes and warmed my heart with his love. My poor Timmy...falling prey to his darkness' strong embrace. I fear for him and so does my husband. But soon it will not matter, within a few years we shall be gone from his world and then there will be nothing to stop the darkness from claiming him.
I see in his eyes, the love he has for his other half. I know he loves him and that just makes it more painful to see how far he's fallen. He's falling...and he doesn't even care.
My husband is a wreck, always worrying about our godson. I knew he cared for Timmy, but now it's obvious what his true feelings are...it breaks his heart to see Timmy in the arms of another man. He silently cries every night knowing that he will wake up to see Timmy lying with someone else. He dies a little inside every time he sees our godson give away his love to someone other than him.
I myself am dying...
He hates me now, my beloved godson. I try to save him from the darkness but he pulls away, drawing closer to his darkness. He only cares for Nega now. He has no friends, his family barely speak to him, and he has no love for Cosmo and I, not anymore.
On that fateful day he yelled at us, screaming that he hated us...we both broke down, our hearts and souls shattered. He loves only his darkness. I've lost him...
...and now there's nothing I can do.
My heart is broken.
My soul torn asunder.
The pure innocent boy that I fell in love with is no more.
He told me himself that he hated me. He screamed and yelled it. That night I broke down and cried harder than I ever had. Tears streamed down my face in rivers, never stopping. Even now, months later, I still cry myself to sleep.
My love, my precious godson...is now lost within his darkness.
He's drowning in the love that Nega has given him, and I can't save him, because he doesn't want to be saved. He wants to drown, he wants to fall. He wants only his darkness and nothing more.
The darkness is taking over, and after we leave him, I'm afraid he'll die.
Timmy, my love, can't you see what he's doing to you?!
You say you're alive and in love, but really you're slowly disappearing! Soon you'll disappear for good!
...but you don't care do you?
Then I will have to put up with it no matter how much it hurts.
Everytime you embrace him, my heart will break but I'll ignore it.
Everytime you kiss him, I will cry but the tears will dry up.
Everytime you tell him you love him, I will want to die but I'll stay alive so I can try to protect you even though you don't want me too.
I love you so much, Timmy...
Did you never see it? It doesn't matter though, does it?
You're in love with your own darkness...
And there's nothing I can do...
He loves thunderstorms. It's always the same - drowsy afternoons when there's nothing to do and business is slow, everyone else has things to do, and we're left all alone. Then the rain starts, falling down slow and silvery, and the faint rumbling in the air gets louder, and the sky grows dark and cold, and his eyes gleam with the brilliance of its fury.
He loves it.
He'll stand outside in the pouring rain, head tilted back, hair tumbling thick and dark over his shoulders, thick lashes closed tight, delicate face turned towards the heavens, water streaming down his beautiful form like a caress from a long-forgotten lover.
He's so beautiful like that - so beautiful it almost hurts.
Wild and careless and breathless with power - when he laughs dark as sin and the sky answers him, I can recall - just barely recall the light and darkness of millenia gone by - events lost in time, dispersed by those long years before my birth.
The young darkness stands defiantly on the concrete outside of my house and laughs to see the skies torn asunder by lightning. He was just as mad in those days as he is now... calm and cold and brilliant, but always restless and searching and hungry.
Sometimes I think he was looking for me.
He's dragged me out into the storm before - clasped my hands in his and drawn me tight against him, delight gleaming bright as rubies and gold in my mind. Come with me, don't leave me, I do it all for you...
When he's drenched head to toe and spinning me around and laughing like a child, when he's defiant and gorgeous in the face of the unheeded world, when he's warm and vibrant and flushed with passion in my arms - tell me, what is love? Insanity or something deeper?
He's kissed me beneath the roaring skies, slippery and wet, all hunger and brilliance and need drowned in the rushing downpour. While the heavens screamed above us, he's tumbled over me and held and kissed and petted me with a rush of fierce heat that blasted away the mere thought of cold.
The damned savior of the darkness's children, a thousand years and miles scattered in his unknown past, bright and dark as sun on gold and shadows, still desperately alive even though he has long since died.
When his mouth is sweet and frantic under mine, and his hair is thick and soaked and matted in my fingertips, and instead of cold all is humid and warm - what is need but for lust-tainted longing? What is possession but obsession-tainted need? What am I but madly in love with him?
Love...? Could you call it that? Could you call it anything?
We made love once, delicious and desperate, while the skies screamed above us. Tangled heat and crying - is that love or just insanity? Have we both lost what little chance we had at a normal relationship? Can we ever fall into line with what my family desires?
No. No, no, never.
From that first moment when his eyes and lips met mine, I've been lost. From that first slow joining I've been mad. From the first time he pulled me into the rain, I've been wild. It's beautiful and awful and shining and hungry and vicious, and gods help me but I refuse to ever stop.
Can you define madness? Can you define beauty?
Could I tell you that I am in love with my darkness?
To love my darkness, as he loves me...that is the fire that warms my soul when all else is cold. His touches, his kisses burn me but the pain is what is exhilarating...Am I in love? Or have I gone insane? I just don't really care anymore...
Don't defy the wilderness unless you can summon the power to laugh in its face.
Or unless you have an angel's soul.
I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going. What is nothingness but what I am? What have I been? Who have I been?
Perhaps I truly am insane.
Perhaps it doesn't matter.
Reality hangs by a fragile thread, but my reality breathes in only me. My precious one is silver and gold and bronze, sun and sky and air, heat and sweetness, sticky and velvet and sly.
Perhaps true madness would be to let go. But I can't, and I won't. Nothing will force my hand. Not darkness nor light nor evil nor death nor pain.
Nothing. I won my right in blood and tears and sweat that spilled over the darkness and a thousand areas near and far.
To defy my right is to defy my self.
Unallowable - and punishable by death.
Infringe upon my light and face your own madness.
But I am in love.
Taste the breath of dawn and the touch of your mother's hand - and that is the soft brush of his hair over my skin. Fight the endless shadows - and that is the wildfire of his passion. Scour the earth for a rare jewel - and such is the flash of his smile.
Call it what you will - but my soul rests at last within his.
A thousand scattered memories were lost in the dust of eternity, but I need them not.
I would slaughter a thousand armies just for a taste of his lips.
Call it, then, true madness, a true loss of self and of soul and of precious control. My beloved eases them all. What need have I for potions and magic? My power burns in my soul - and my soul's match gleams still brighter than I.
They are fools to long for the unattainable. The world is useless in the absence of light - and how do you live when your soul is dying? There is no recompense for the sins of midnight's children - save in the sleek touch of the children of dawn.
He is fair where my flesh is golden, soft and caring where I am harsh and cold, beautiful where I am terrible. What need have I for courtesans and artists when a soul as pure as he is mine to claim?
I found him in the shadow of the darkest hour, and claimed him in the heat of a gentle night. I am birthed of pure darkness and power - born to live and breathe and long only for his light.
Me? I am but a child still.
Eternity has not been gentle - but I cannot regret what I cannot remember, and the shadows of my past are ever-twisting and elusive. What haunts the corridors of my mind even I cannot say, even as the unknown ghosts slowly melt away when my light slips into the crevices of my maze and soothes the restless darkness.
What is yearning? When all that lies within me cries with need? When all that floods my shadows is his light?
If I am a fool, and a madman, I regret it not. I would drown myself in his soul to save my own - I would destroy myself to see him saved.
What more salvation have I need of than the sweetness of his body, warm and willing and beautiful, beneath my own? I took him in rain and sun and shadow - forevermore.
So tell me, what is love? What is life and light and everything rare and precious in this world?
Find the beauty in loving him when clasped in the embrace of heaven's fury. My light warms the rains and soothes the thunder.
Can I stop?
I will never stop.
He is mine. I am his.
And forever shall we be...