Warning- Drugs are bad.

Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high… La-di-dat-dat-dada-da…

-Afro Man

Tree Houses and Totem Poles

Sunday night. Draco had made it all the way through to Sunday night hiding out in his old dungeon common room. He had only left for mealtimes, but that wasn't enough to stem the visions of his naked minx. Tonight's feast was no exception. He could have sworn she knew exactly what she was doing… as she slowly swirled her tongue over her puckered lips to catch a wayward spot of fluffy whipped cream… Her breasts heaving slightly as she sighed in contentment as the sweet cream evidently pleased her taste buds…

"Dude, you don't look so good," Gregory Goyle said in his slow deep voice as he slumped down across from where Draco sat on the stiff leather couch. Draco jumped as he was startled from his trance, his Granger reverie fading from his mind. He quickly wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, somewhat surprised that he wasn't met with drool. Glancing across from him, he was thankful for the present company for the first time in his life. His manhood was safe and soft as long as he kept his vision clogged with his two unsightly classmates. As long as they didn't try to converse with him he might be able to remain semi-sane for another night.

He had no such luck.

"Yeah man, looks like some serious wrackspurt. Try some gurdyroot tea, it's like, awesome man," Goyle's counterpart, Vincent Crabbe added. They were, for lack of a better word, 'hippies,' who had taken one too many hits of the shrivelfig pipe. It was a miracle worth noting that they had made it through six years of schooling, and mastered the task of walking and talking.

The sad thing was, that the two baboons were pretty much it as far as Slytherin seventh year males went. Theodore Nott was a little closer to Earth than the two shrivel stoners, but a total pervert. It wasn't always safe to be around him, as the flailing arms of angry women were never far behind. Draco had been friends with Blaise Zabini, but that was before the tall dark man had left school to pursue a singing career. Last Draco heard, Blaise was now going as 'Blaisina of Fire' and had sprouted a sizeable pair of breasts.

Even that could almost be considered normal though, compared to the two bizarre beings sitting across from him. They were now examining Draco like he was some display at a museum, making the blonde shrink in his seat, using his book as a shield between himself and their freakishly wide, bloodshot eyes.

"Seriously man, you just need to relax."

'Easy for you to say, you aren't having insane hallucinations,' he thought angrily, lowering the book to nose level and glaring at Goyle, who was tracing his fingers through the air as if popping imaginary bubbles. Ok, so maybe it was quite possible that he was….

"I'm relaxed just fine, I just have a difficult assignment due Tuesday that I need to concentrate on if you don't mind," he shot back testily.

"That's what they want you to do, man," Crabbe said seriously.

"Who are 'they'?" Draco asked, realizing one second too late that he should have kept his mouth shut.

"The establishment," Goyle replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yeah man, they're just trying to fill your head with information. And who wrote the information- ithey/i did. It's like what I said to Greg here the other day… I was like, we're at this school right, and like muggles can't see it, so how do we even know it exists? How do we even know we exist if we are in a school that doesn't exist? Right man, and you know why we think we exist? It's because they tell us we do."

"I see…"

"Yeah, so ya see man, you just gotta beat your own drum, fight the establishment and you'll be fine."

"Nah, he won't be fine, not what he's got," Crabbe chided in.

"What!?" Draco asked, starting to get annoyed.

"You got bigger problems than the establishment man, you've got a woman in your head."

Draco was dumbstruck, which was frightening enough considering the present company. There was no way they could know about his problems with the Head Girl. Their heads were thicker than the layer of grease on Snape's thinning hairline, and emptier than McGonagall's old dried up vagina. They must simply be lamenting on the fact that his relationship with Pansy was less than warm and fuzzy. He couldn't help but to be frustrated with her though. She always had her pink manicured hands on him, teasing him until his threshold was reached, and he would respond to her, seeking out a kiss or light caress --anything.

He would never get what he wanted though. The moment she realized she had caused a reaction in him, she would turn cold and rigid. She even had the nerve to look affronted and remind him of her superiorly strong morals. She would tell him how she thought he was 'different' than other guys. How she thought he had his priorities straight, and how she thought she meant more to him than just another notch on his bedpost. 'Blah-di-fucking-blah.'

She had a way of always making him feel guilty for his hormones, though. He would buy her expensive gifts as apologies, which she seemed to like. Then she would return to her overly affectionate self, and the cycle would start all over again.

Not only did this sequence of events cause a rift in his relationship with Pansy, but with his penis as well. Never had he felt the need for masturbation so strongly. All he could think about was release. But who could blame him, when all he could see was a naked Hermione!? He supposed this was all making the animosity between himself and Pansy very obvious. So obvious in fact, that the oxygen deprived, brain cell banished, figheads had noticed.

Yes, that was what the two Neanderthals must be referring to. It was the only logical explanation. They couldn't possibly know his problems were truly stemming from his female Head counterpart. 'Mmm… female Head counterpart…' he groaned inwardly, a lazy grin sneaking up as his lids slid down. Crabbe and Goyle were guffawing in the background, serving their purpose to keep his mind out of the gutter with perfection. He wondered if his penis was getting dizzy from all the up and down motions.

"Oh yeah man, she's in bad," Vince said, still chuckling lightly. "Does your woman know, man?"

If Draco wasn't stunned stock-still by the shockingly insightful revelation, he probably would have hit his overlarge housemate. Then he would have hit the other one, just for good measure. So it was most unfortunate that his limbs were super glued to the couch, permanent sticking charm style. The most he could do was scowl in disgust, listening to the deep baboon laughs.

"Does my 'woman' know what might I ask?" Draco growled through gritted teeth, his brow furrowed in annoyance. For some odd reason, this cracked up the two person, one brained crowd, to the point where they were slapping their ham-like thighs, and the corners of their eyes had tears in them.

"You are so stiff man!" Goyle managed to say through his low grunts of laughter.

"I am not!" Draco replied pompously. Thinking twice, he chanced a quick glance at his lap. iHe was not!/i

"You're so stiff Pocahontas mistaked you for a totem pole!" Crabbe blurted out. They roared in laughter at this. It wasn't even funny, or grammatically correct, which made it all the more annoying. Well unless they meant it sexually, in which case it still wasn't funny. Of course, the latter wasn't possible, they were much too thick for that. On second thought, what the hell were a Pocahontas and a totem pole anyways?

"You're so stiff the Ewoks use you for a spare tree house!" Goyle exclaimed, before falling off the couch onto the floor, snorting with laughter. Crabbe joined him, and the two pounded their fists on the threadbare carpet and kicked their legs, howling and snorting. This was just getting ridiculous…

"Enough! You imbeciles are so bloody moronic that I can't even think of something to compare you two retards to!" Draco yelled, leaping off the couch and glaring down at them for emphasis. It was purely fuel to the fire. They huffed and they puffed and they practically pissed themselves, but cease the uproar, they did not.

Draco pursed his lips and sucked on his cheek, trying to decide what to do with the situation. He could either A: storm off, most likely unnoticed by the guffawing lunatics, which would slightly mar the self-gratification of said storm off. It was too late to be hanging around the corridors without a plausible excuse though. Being caught after curfew, even with his Head Boy status, would most likely result in Filchification, and not in a good way (if there was such a thing). So to avoid slave labor at the hands of the creepy caretaker, he would end up in Naked Grangerland, A.K.A. the Heads' quarters, where no man's hormones were capable of making it out alive.

But there was always the other plan of action. He could wait ever so patiently for the freak-fest to subside, and grin and bear the mind-numbing conversations that followed. There was no point in wasting any more insults on the two. The second Crabbe and Goyle got their hands on a bong, they would forget this entire exchange, and most likely the entire weekend for that matter. Although, it did seem that they were oddly perceptive in their current state. Maybe they had some strange way to thwart the onset of post-pubescent penile inflation. The thought of them fornicating by any means, hand, pussy, fruit, rabid beast, you name it, was just repulsive. Draco decided it couldn't hurt to hear what else they had to say on the subject. It was better than letting his thoughts drift to, well, where they were always drifting off to lately.

The salami brains quieted down eventually. They were all red and splotchy when they returned to their seats on the couch, and the effect was less than appetizing. Draco turned his head and tried very hard not to look, with his mouth upturned like a bad smell was in the air.

And then a bad smell really was in the air…

"You can't smoke that in here! I'm- I'm Head Boy for Merlin's sake!" Draco sputtered in shock and indignation.

His outburst didn't deter them one bit. Using his wand with the precision and grace Draco never would have thought possible from such a portly individual, Goyle ignited a single flame from the tip and held it steadily over the little pipe he had just taken out of his pocket. He was puffing euphorically at the contraband in his hands with glazed over eyes.

"Put that down! Put it down or else I'll-"

"Relax man, it's purely medical," Crabbe cut him off, grabbing the pipe from his friend and taking a hit. Draco was outraged at their lack of respect for authority. Did his Head Boy badge mean nothing to these buffoons!?

"Medical!? How in the name of Merlin is that considered medical!?"

Crabbe slowly passed the pipe back to Goyle, letting a long trail of smoke blossom from his mouth before answering. "It takes away your problems, man. Makes you start to think clearly… Think outside of what the establishment wants you to think. Get rid of your girly troubles and just focus on what's really important… Life man, it's all about enjoying life."

Draco was just about to dispute Crabbe's case when the wall parted to allow one, Theodore Nott into the common room.

"Fuck yeah, my wizza's, I knew I smelled the shrivelfig's heavenly aroma, second only to the weeping pussy of an innocent little Ravenclaw about to get all knotted up with Nott! Boo-yeah!"

Without paying Draco a second glance, Theodore marched straight on over to the pipe and inhaled deeply. What was wrong with these people!? And more importantly, how the Hell did he get sorted into their house?

"Umm… HELLO! Head Boy here!" he yelled, waving his arms so they were sure to see him.

"Oh shit, sorry man," Theo said, quickly taking the pipe out of this mouth. Draco lowered his arms in relief that his housemates were finally going to listen, only to jerk away a second later when the smoking pipe was handed to him.

"I didn't realize you were next."

"I'm- I'm not next, I just-"

He didn't know what he was just. At that moment the smoke from the pipe had drifted up to his nostrils. It didn't smell quite so putrid and disgusting anymore. Actually, it smelled kind of… nice. He took a deep breath and let the shrivelfig's mysterious relaxing powers take effect. Things like 'No more girly trouble,' and 'Take away all your problems,' started popping up in his mind. It was all he could think about. To be free of naked Hermione and get a decent nights rest for once, and not even have to wash his sheets in the morning, would be like being freed from a cruel puppeteer. The pipe was inching its way towards his parted lips… A moment later it was at its target… He inhaled deeply…

The next thing he knew he was coughing up a lung and the giant sausage-like hand of Goyle was patting him on the back.

"Easy man," Gregory said soothingly, while Draco continued to heave and sputter, his eyes watering.

"Ugh… burning… can't… breathe…"

What had ever possessed him to go against his morals and try something so taboo and even illegal!? It didn't magically make his problems disappear, unless you counted passing out from lack of oxygen making ones problems go away! What a horrible, disgusting, waste of life and… and…

And he had no idea what else the shrivelfig pipe could be considered. In fact, he didn't even know what he was saying, or why he even cared what he was trying to say. His mind was blissfully blank and light as air. He was floating. He drifted back to the couch, watching the smoke swirl and dance above him…

"-She fell asleep…and then, I took her panties!" Theo blurted out later that night. The small group of Slytherin men roared with laughter.

"Panties… Ha!" Draco squeaked out once he had the breath to do so.

"I know right! Panties! She's probably like, 'Oh my god where did my panties go?' and she'll never even know because I took them and I'm a guy so I can't even wear them so she'll never suspect a thing! Imagine, a dude wearing panties!"

They all fell on top of each other, roaring and snorting with laughter. Panties was Draco's new favorite word.

Panties, panties, panties. No naked Hermione, only panties, panties, and more panties. Yup, naked Hermione is the last thing on my-'


"What is it, man?" Crabbe quickly asked, jumping to attention in an instant and staring unblinkingly at Draco with bloodshot eyes.

"You wanna see the panties?" Theo asked.


"You wanna know about the time I touched McGonnagal's tittie?"

"Let the man talk, man," Goyle grunted. "Draco, man… let the words flow from your mouth, freely into the circle…"

"Umm… ok…" he started, breathing deeply and inhaling the lingering smoke. "It's Hermione, she's always naked," he stated bluntly. The laughter that followed from Theodore Nott rang off the walls and actually made a layer dust to rise from the shelves.

"NAKED! HAAAAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAAA!! Someone... must have…. taken… her… PANTIES!! HAAAAA HA HA HA HA!!"

"Please, Theo man… Draco needs our help!"

Yes, the day when Draco needed help from these three morons was a day when he needed help indeed.

"So man, you're seeing her naked… That's very… interesting…" Crabbe said slowly.

"Interesting?" Draco asked.

"Well yeah man, you're only seeing her naked because that's what she iwants/i you to see."

Vincent Crabbe was a genius.


It was official, Draco was hiding. Hermione had hardly glimpsed him all weekend, and now he was nowhere to be found, even though it was getting late and more than past his regular bedtime. Hermione had been waiting in the Head common room since dinner, but he had yet to return. As it was now past midnight, Hermione's patience were wearing thin.

After doing her nails… twice, followed by pacing back and forth across the room, Hermione decided she needed something else to occupy her. Her mind flew to Draco, and what she would have occupying her time if he were there… but he was not, still!

A second later she flew up to her dormitory, searching out anything that could keep her mind off the Head Boy long enough to keep her sane. The whole naked thing was supposed to have had him crawling back to her by now. For Merlin's sake she was NAKED to him at ALL TIMES! Any normal man would have jumped her long ago. Damn Draco Malfoy and his stubbornness! If he didn't have his head in a book all the time and his arms around the prude princess of Slytherin he would have time to notice the important things in life, like her for instance. What was so great about his precious books anyway?

She smirked, noticing that his Hogwarts, a History book was still just where she had left it. She picked it up and lugged the thing down to the common room, determined to find out what the little bookworm saw in it.


Draco Malfoy set off down the cold stone corridors of the dungeons on a mission. He was going to make Hermione Granger put on some clothing, once and for all. He couldn't take any more of the nakedness. At least, not without indulging himself in it, which he was determined not to do. Hermione was just playing with him, even Crabbe could see that much. She didn't really care about him, not like Pansy did. But did Pansy really care about him either? She'd never even noticed him before Hermione changed his hairstyle, making him the center of a tidal wave of female attention. Was she only with him for the popularity?

Damn, it was tough being beautiful.

With those thoughts in mind, he ventured up the stairs to his own common room. Not seeing anyone, he realized how late was. Hopefully Hermione would already be fast asleep and he wouldn't even have to clothe her until the next day.

He whispered the password and stepped inside, careful to make as little noise as possible. Only a single torch was lit in the common room, and Draco breathed a sigh of relief, thinking he was in the clear.

It wasn't until he was halfway up the stairs that he saw her. She was curled up in one of their squashy armchairs, which was why he hadn't seen her until now. She was naked, of course, but that's not what shocked him the most. After all, he was used to naked Hermione at this point. What he was not used to was the fact that she was reading!

Hermione Granger was reading and Draco Malfoy was getting high, what was the world coming to?

He cleared his throat and she jumped a foot, having been so immersed in the book that she hadn't even heard him come in.

"Where have you been?"

"What are you doing?" they both asked at the same time.



"You're kidding!" they each shouted in unison.

"I didn't know you had it in you," Hermione stated incredulously.

"That makes two of us," Draco shrugged, not particularly proud of his momentary lapse in judgment. Hermione slowly stood and started towards him. Draco had to turn his head.

"Will you PLEASE put some clothing on!" he growled at her.

She only chuckled to herself and continued up the stairs, still gripping the heavy book.

"Why Draco, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," she said innocently, a sly grin creeping onto her face.

"You know very well what I mean," he spat back at her.

"Ok, so say hypothetically that I do know… Why is seeing a naked girl a problem?"

"Because the girl that I am seeing naked is not my girlfriend!"

"Thank Merlin for that," Hermione grumbled back. He scowled at her and turned to leave but she stopped him with a hand to his arm.

"What?" he asked her without turning to face her.

"Do you love her?" she whispered. "Because if you can tell me that you really love her then I'll stop."

He wanted to tell her yes and end the naked visions once and for all, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her something that was so blatantly a lie. No, he wasn't in love with Pansy Parkinson, nor would he ever be. He knew that the one he would fall for would have to be someone with more than looks. It would have to be someone that could match him intellectually as well as physically.

"No… I don't," he whispered dejectedly.

"Then why are you wasting your time with her?" she continued her inquiry. Draco didn't really have an answer for that.

"Well why are you bothering with me?" he retorted. She had no answer for him. She didn't know why on Earth she was spending so much time and effort to shag Draco Malfoy when she could easily get with half the male population.

She didn't even notice that she was still gripping Draco's arm, she was too lost in her own thoughts. Draco however, had noticed that she was touching him, he'd also started to notice her ragged breathing and the way it was making her creamy white breasts rise and fall. Parts of his own anatomy were reacting to her. She'd never looked more beautiful than when she was naked, reading his Hogwarts, a History book. He raised his eyes and met her chocolate brown ones. Molten lust stared back at him, and he gave her a knowing smirk that she reciprocated.

Emboldened by her scorching hot gaze, he took her hand and led her to his bedroom, locking the door behind him just incase.

"Get on the bed," he breathed out huskily. She immediately set the book on the nightstand and crawled onto his lavish silk comforter. He shook off his robes and a second later he was on top of her, nipping at her jaw-line and pawing at her soft nude form. Her hands sprung up to his bare back and grasped the muscular flesh, making him groan at the contact.

His mouth quickly sought out her own, devouring her lips as he fought for entrance. Swollen from his rough onslaught, her lips parted and their tongues met, fighting for control. Every inch of her body was tingling with excitement. He was being so uncharacteristically dominant with her, and she was loving every minute of it.

When he was satisfied that he had thoroughly kissed her lips he ventured lower, stopping only to suckle the sensitive spot along her collar bone before he nipped his way to the gentle mounds of her breasts. He lightly brought his lips to each one, then used his tongue to flick the now hardened bud. Hermione cried out at the shockwave of pleasure he sent through her with his touch. Again he assaulted one of the blushing red nipples, all the while kneading the other with his rough palm. She writhed and moaned, complete putty in his steadily massaging hand.

She wanted more, she needed more. With one shaking hand she reached for the hardened length of his manhood, but he smoothly pushed her away.

"What's your hurry, love?" he growled, grazing her nipple with his teeth and making her cry out from the pleasurable pain.

"Noth-nothing," she panted back. Something had definitely gotten into Draco tonight… Now if only he would get into her

He smirked down at her glistening form. She was breathing hard and her eyes were pleading with him to give her more. Watching her arch her back towards him as he rolled her rose colored bud between his thumb and forefinger was almost enough to make him give in to her, but something held him back.

It was time to teach her a lesson for torturing him with her nakedness…



Oh dear, what have I done… I'm sorry JKR, but I could just picture Crabbe and Goyle as stoners for some reason lol…

Ok so I think Hermione seriously does need to be taught a lesson… and Draco is open to suggestions on this one! What do you think he should do to her? I'm thinking that the next chapter should be pretty much pure smut, so basically the more ideas I get the longer it will be : )

As always, thank you for reading and submitting your brain to my randomness! I really really appreciate it! You have made writing a fun thing for me to do, which is something I never thought to be possible.