A/N: Free wheeling here. Don't have a clue where this is going. No Story or Chapter by Chapter Outline. If anyone has an idea, let me know. If I am comfortable with it, I'll try to use it.
Sarah vs The Big Mistake
"Sarah, you can't mean that."
I watch his brown eyes fill with tears and then overflow. "In another place or another time we might have had a chance. But here and now…Chuck, there's only one way for this to end and it's not happy."
"Didn't last night mean anything to you?"
"Last night meant everything. I will always remember it but waking up this morning, looking at the reality of our situation, we just can't do this. Professionally, last night was a mistake. Our relationship has got to be for the cover only. There are so many reasons why it has to be this way. And there is only one way that we can be together." I look at him; I know he's thinking it too. I decide to beat him to the punch. "I am not leaving the CIA."
Last night I had a little too much wine and we had a fabulous time together. Mix that with the fact that we have gone to bed together for the last three months for our cover life and it was bound to happen. The tension has been building since the first night. It was inevitable given that fact that I am as deeply in love with Chuck Bartowski as he is with me. But…I've been in love before…and walked away.
I watch Chuck storm out of our apartment. It hurts me to know his heart is breaking just when he thought we were getting together for real. The problem is if this were a normal relationship, he would leave, find another place to stay and we would start our new lives separately, rarely seeing each other again. Over time we would think less and less of each other until the day would finally come when we would not think of each other for a whole day. Gradually, we would move on with our lives and begin to love again.
But we have to live together for the sake of our jobs. This is the most screwed up assignment I've ever been on. I only have myself to blame. I knew if I let this happen the day would come when Chuck would stop loving me. That day hasn't happened yet but it has begun. I wonder if I can deal with it when that day arrives. I have too, I think, for his sake.
I spend the day in our apartment waiting for him to come back. I even shed a few tears when I stopped to think about how good we can be together. This is not fair to him. I have got to be strong for his sake. The sooner he can stop thinking about me as his girlfriend, the sooner he can be happy. But how is that gonna happen I say to myself as I start to cry, again. We share an apartment, we share a bed and we share a cover life where we act as if we are in love with each other. We kiss all the time and I have my hands all over him. I enjoy it and I know he does too. How is he going to get over what we really have together when he can't tell when I'm acting and when I'm not? And…I've done very little acting lately.
When he does…how am I going to be OK with it? There are times when I truly hate my job.