Summary: We've all had our fair share of awkward situations, but I have reason to believe that being stuck in the same bathroom as James Potter when he's really got to- you know- urinate, really takes the cake.
Disclaimer: Jo owns it.
Down the Loo
a Siriusly Klutzy story.
There are many opportunities to put yourself in awkward situations. Going to class and having the hem of your skirt tucked into your knickers is a good example. Getting caught snogging a fellow prefect whilst being on duty is another, especially if you were caught by none other than McGonagal. Accidentally overhearing Sirius Black practicing his pick up phrases and then witnessing him using them on your best mate after you told her about them is another.
See? The world is full of awkward opportunities. I think that it's the primary goal of the Hogwarts founders. They must have put a curse on the school to put us in awkward situations. I mean how else would I have gotten myself into the most awkward situation of my life?
"Please, Lily?" Alice begged. She was bouncing up and down and pointing out of the door. "Please?"
"No way," I answered.
"Come on. You're my best mate! You're supposed to do things like this for me!"
"I don't think going into the blokes' room to steal their toilet paper qualifies under 'Best Mate Obligations'," I answered huffily, sticking to my point. I was not going to go across the hall. I was not going to go into the blokes' room. And I was not going to steal their toilet paper!
"Awe, please. I'd do it for you! And I've really got to go!" Alice begged. She was hopping up and down again.
She pulled the best mate card and claimed she'd do it for me. The question was, would she really?
That answer was simple. Of course she would. Alice would have no trouble prancing into the blokes' room to nick their toilet paper. She'd think it was a funny challenge. She would probably want to get caught to put the poor blokes in an awkward situation.
Actually, now that I think about it, it's Alice who likes putting people in strange and uncomfortable situations. It seems that she's generally the cause of it, whenever it happens to me, at least.
Being the good mate that I am, I finally gave in and began my trek across the hall, into the unknown lands of the boys' bathroom. I shuddered at the thought.
Boys are much dirtier than they let on. Their rooms are always messy (at least that's what Mum says about her brothers, and Alice says Frank's dorm is a pig sty), so I didn't even want to imagine what their bathrooms looked like.
I knocked on the outside door, just as a precaution. Who knows what I'd walk in on! Okay, I can guess what I'd walk in on, and that'd be a very awkward thing to see, which is why I chose to knock. How embarrassing. It could have been a Slytherin! Or a first year! Or a first year Slytherin!
I shuddered again.
When no one responded, I took that as the bathroom was empty of everyone of the male species and entered at my own risk.
By some incredible luck, it turns out that the bathroom was truly empty. It didn't even smell that bad. Like bathrooms, yes, but nothing absolutely stomach churning. I sighed in relief and took in my surroundings.
There were seven urinals along the wall, looking slightly intimidating. Just thinking about that made me cringe. Seven blokes standing there using the bathroom and holding a conversation all at the same time does not seem like my kind of party. I mean, they could see each other!
I suddenly gained a new respect for blokes everywhere.
Along an adjacent wall were seven stalls with toilets in them, which is where the toilet paper- my mission- was. I walked slowly and carefully, trying not to touch anything (it is still a disgusting bathroom, after all) over to the stalls.
Jackpot. The first one that I entered had two full rolls. I decided to steal them both, thinking of other girls who would need the same bathroom later that day. Might as well do something for them as well.
The walls of the stall were very interesting. Many initials had been carved into the door. LK loves HM was a very common one, and I couldn't help but thing of Larry King and Hephzibah Mound. Second years.
There were also many, I guess you could call them, lyrics written on the walls, including a very nasty one about where Professor McGonagal could shove her wand. Who knew there were so many innuendos for wand?
I got distracted for a good three minutes, reading the writing on the stalls and forgot about Alice. When she finally did reoccur to me, I jumped. Of course, she didn't come to mind on my own. It was because I heard foot steps.
I held my breath. Please don't come in here, please don't come in here, please don't come in- damn.
My silent begging obviously meant nothing to the luck gods. I swore silently to myself before shutting and locking the stall door.
"What'd you think of that essay, Padfoot?"
Oh. My. Merlin.
I cursed the founders for casting that awkward spell on the castle.
What are the bleeding odds that the people to come into the bathroom while I was stealing toilet paper for Alice (who owed me her life, by the way) would be none other than James Potter and Sirius Black?
What would happen if I had to listen to them pee? That's just too bizarre for my teenage blood to handle. I'd pass out! I'd scream in disgust! I couldn't even imagine- no. No. Disgusting.
"It wasn't too bad. I wrote really tiny though, so hopefully Sprout can't read the things I may have gotten wrong," Sirius answered.
They were walking, slowly by the rhythm of their footsteps, to the urinals on the other side of the wall. Maybe, just maybe, they would take a detour and instead check themselves out in the mirror first?
And since when do boys come to the bathroom in pairs? I thought only girls did that! They sure make fun of us enough for it, and here's Black and Potter, potty pales.
Boy, was I going to make fun-
No. No I wasn't. Because how would I know? This never would have happened had I not been hiding in a stall, for Alice no less!
"It fooled Flitwick, anyway," Sirius continued.
There was silence, the footsteps stopped.
Oh Merlin, oh Merlin, oh Merlin.
Okay, I had to think, and I had to think fast. What could I do? Closing my eyes, covering my ears, and humming loudly seemed like my best option by far. Bursting out and running through the door with hope that they didn't notice I wasn't a bloke was another good one. Heck, I could even do that whilst closing my eyes and humming.
Nearing hyperventilation, I decided that spontaneity was the way to go. At least, it seemed like a good idea until I heard zip! which, I'm guessing, was James and Sirius unzipping their trousers.
"OH SWEET MERLIN!" I shouted, covering my eyes with one and bursting out of the stall, toilet paper rolls in my other. "Boys, zip up your pants and let me get out of here in peace!" I begged.
James and Sirius spun around. "Lily?!" James asked in a higher voice than I've ever heard him use.
"Zip up your pants! Right now!" I ordered in a shaky voice.
"Why?" Sirius asked smugly. "I've got nothing to hide- ow!"
"Zip up your pants, Padfoot!"
It was quiet for a second, but I thought I heard a faint zip! so I decided it was okay to peek through my eyes.
Sirius and James were standing there, wide-eyed but, thankfully, with pants completely on.
"Evans…?" Sirius asked with a sly smile. He leaned against the wall in between the urinals.
"Lily, what are you doing in here?" James asked, thoroughly confused. "This is… this is the blokes loos!"
"I… I… well, you see- I, it's a lon- funny story, actually…" I was sputtering, messing up my story. It wasn't that difficult to tell. The loos ran out of paper. We came to borrow yours. But apparently common sense went on a vacation and I couldn't speak proper English.
"Isn't it obvious, Prongs?" Sirius asked, grinning again. "She wanted to see us with our pants down!"
"No, no! I didn't! Really!" I was flushing like a tomato.
"But obviously it was a benefit, right?" Sirius pressed. "Now tell me, Lily. Did you research that Prongs and I here use this bathroom on average more than any of the other ones in the castle?"
"No! Toilet paper!" Great, I sounded completely mad. "We needed it in the loos!"
I felt like dying. Did I mention that Alice owed me her life? Twice over? Well, she did.
James was shifting weight from foot to foot, giving me a pained look.
"Erm, Evans?" he asked patiently. "Do you mind?"
I gave him a peculiar look before realization dawned on me.
My eyes went wide and my eyebrows rose a meter in the air. "Oh. OH! Right. Right. Well, I'll be off now. Sorry."
I blushed once more before turning quickly and running towards the door.
"Wait," I added, stopping and turning back around to face the two boys who were waiting for me to leave. "Are you two lovers or something?" I couldn't help but ask, trying to make the situation as awkward for them as it was for me. They were completely comfortable peeing together, not surprised at all to find me in there. In fact, if I didn't demand that they zip up their pants, I wouldn't have been surprised if they asked me to join them!
"Lovers?" Sirius asked, considering the possibility. He looked James up and down for a second before responding with, "No. I prefer blonds, actually."
James smacked his palm to his forehead and shoved his mate against the wall. I could have sworn I heard him mumble, "I don't think I feel comfortable peeing with you anymore."
"You saw them!" I said loudly, storming out of the blokes room.
Alice was standing out there waiting for me, an obvious smile in her eye.
"Here's your bleeding toilet paper," I said, shoving the two rolls at her.
"Thanks, but I don't need them anymore."
I stared at her, shocked.
"Pardon?" I asked, looking at her with raised eyebrows.
"Well, you were taking forever, you know" she explained. "So I just went upstairs quick. They were full of toilet paper."
I gaped at her like a fish.
"Next time we'll come up with a warning, eh?" she asked happily, patting me on the back. "In case other blokes come, I can warn you. Sound good?"
A/n: My writers block is obviously cured! This is my second fanfic in under 24 hours! Horray!! Actually this came to me because I thought the summary was amusing, and when you have an amusing summary, you have to write a crazy story to go with it!
This was fun to write, and Terese helped a lot to make it funnier! I've only got a couple more finals left, so I should be updating Stag soon (hopefully).
I hope you liked this! I needed a laugh and I was really in a good mood today!
Much love and better luck in the bathrooms, if you know what I mean,