Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou does not belong to me. Let's just get that out of the way.
Yuuri Shibuya was very sure the entire world was very messed up.
Like, for one, why did coffee have so many different flavors? What did half of them mean anyway? Did anybody want raspberries in their coffee? He sure as hell didn't. Sounded gross and made him wonder who thought of such an absurd idea anyway.
Or why did people want to dye their hair neon green? It made them look like a weird nuclear explosion! Or pink. Because, well, it was pink!
Why did people pierce their nipples?
Why did pens always go missing anyway? What was the point of stealing a pen?
He could have gone on and on about all the weirdness that existed in the world, but there was one thing that bugged him most.
How, in the name of sanity and all that was good, did homosexuality become a fad? Why was it trendy?
Why did they get more girls than actual straight guys did?!
They had girls hanging off their arms! Cooing out affectionate words and kisses on cheeks. It was unfair! Why give so much attention to a guy that found your breasts gross when some other guy out there would compliment them for hours?
And how was two guys kissing cute?! Two girls kissing was cute because girls were adorable, and pretty, and cute, and sexy…but men? Nothing was cute about men!
"You know, Shibuya, I think you're making too big a deal out of this," Murata answered, absent-mindedly chewing on a French fry during their lunch period.
"How?! It's unfair! Some guys pretend they're gay just to get close to a girl! That's just wrong on so many levels, Murata!"
"I don't know," his friend murmured. "I'd do it if I could get close to one of Wolfram's fan girls."
Yuuri decided to ignore that disturbing comment from his friend, and give a look over to the one that had made his biggest pet peeve come to life:
One look at him and you could see why he was so popular with girls: he was extremely handsome. Blonde hair, green eyes, nice complexion. That sort of thing. Yuuri had always had a class with him for as long as he could remember, although they never really talked. They shared nothing in common and were on two very different sides of the social spectrum.
It was until puberty hit all around that he felt some grudge towards the blonde. It seemed every girl had made it their duty to try to have him date them. Every single girl. And every single guy seemed to hate him for that.
Then, as if somebody had decided to answer so many prayers, Wolfram had come out the closet. And it had really seemed like every guy's problem was over.
No, while some girls had cried at first, they had all gotten over it. He had even gotten more fan girls, and that was where Yuuri just about lost his mind.
Girls claimed it made Wolfram cuter. Yuuri claimed it should have just made him un-cuter to the girls! After all, he could never appreciate them in the way they wanted to. It didn't seem to matter to them. Yuuri concluded right then and there the world was anything but right.
He didn't even dislike Wolfram, or any homosexuals for that matter, but he hated the entire situation and its absurdity.
"Maybe if he just got a boyfriend or something," Yuuri suggested, frowning as another girl leaned across to kiss Wolfram's cheek with a giggle. "Like, maybe they could see he'll never want any of them. Or something. I don't know…"
Murata shook his head. "Nope. Don't you understand, Shibuya? He'd become more popular. They'd see him holding hands with his boyfriend and squeal. They'd probably be asking for them to make out."
"Well, according to all those boards on the internet I've seen, gay guys can also be hot."
"Yeah. See why I'm saying I'd pretend to be gay?"
"…Never. You're weird, Murata."
Murata only laughed, his glasses shining oddly in the light.
Home Economics was another useless class that Yuuri wished he'd never have to take. Unfortunately, he had forgotten all about signing up for classes the year before. And even more unfortunately, had found out it was too late to get out of any class. But weirdly enough, Murata had signed up for this class willingly. Even stranger, Wolfram Bielefeld had too.
While learning how to sew a button back on was actually pretty useful, Yuuri still could not see the point in learning how to make a stuffed animal had helped at all. Or why they had to relearn how to wash clothes. And what spoon to use for which soup. How was this information useful?
They had just finished cooking, and Mr. Kleist was promising something exciting. But if you asked Yuuri, he was just eccentric and his idea of exciting probably meant learning the Heimlich Maneuver or something equally as boring.
"Class! If you remember, I promised an exciting new course for Monday!"
The class droned some agreement.
"You will be put into couples!" Yuuri flinched at the word 'couple'. That just didn't sound good. It kind of gave him a bad feeling. "And you will take care of an egg for a week! It'll be like your own flesh and blood. No breaking it. If it breaks, you fail this project. Your partner will be just like your partner in parenting!"
They still did this sort of thing? Yuuri thought to himself in disbelief and horror. You only saw this stuff on television shows. He didn't think it actually existed.
"You have no choice in your partner." Okay, that bad feeling was spreading pretty quickly. "But you will have to make this partnership work the hardest you can." Oh, was it spreading.
"Hmm, maybe we'll get cute girls as partners, Shibuya," Murata whispered to Yuuri.
"Don't get your hopes too high," Yuuri advised sadly. He'd learn a while ago that when he had a bad feeling, it usually meant something and it was just better to listen to it. Maybe he'd get a really ugly girl. Or some really mean one.
"Ohh, who do you think will get Wolfram?"
"Wouldn't it be so awesome if it was another guy?!"
"Oh! Oh! Yes! Another cute guy! Aww, wouldn't it be so sweet if Wolfram adopted a kid with another guy?"
Two girls were talking behind him, loudly enough so he could hear all of their disturbing conversation. He was hoping almost evilly that the green-eyed blonde would just be paired up with a girl.
"But it'd be so amazing to be paired up with him! He'd be so caring with a kid…gay guys just have that nurturing feeling…"
Could this guy not lose?!
"Okay, okay. Ken Murata, you're paired up with Katsura Takahashi! Let your love protect this egg!"
"Score!" Murata grinned and flashed a win sign to his friend before going up to the teacher with his partner. Katsura was one of the prettiest girls in the school. Yuuri felt more than just a little envious.
As the names got tallied off, Yuuri could see that all the good-looking girls or the nice ones were being taken. He really was going to get a bad partner. That instinct had been right after all.
"Oh, Wolfram still hasn't been paired up yet! And the only other guy left here is Shibuya…" That girl murmured to herself, her friend gone to be replaced by her own egg partner. "Maybe they'll get paired up…hmm…Shibuya isn't too bad looking…"
Dread rose so far he didn't even notice the compliment the girl had unwittingly given him.
Girl! Girl! Girl! Girl! Chanted Yuuri in his head desperately.
"Yuuri Shibuya! Partners! Let your love protect this egg!"
His head fell to his desk in a rather painful collision, effectively ignoring all the squeals that came from the girls in the room.
"Okay, since you couldn't be bothered to get our egg, I got it. Hmph. Some partnership, Shibuya."
He sounded so…so…
"I want to get a perfect grade on this project, so you better pull your own weight and help get me that perfect grade."
And domineering. Why did girls like him so much again?
Oh. Yeah. He was pretty and gay.
"Are you going to talk at all?!"
"Yeah, yeah. Calm down," Yuuri muttered, lifting his head to look at his…partner. "So, how exactly do you want to do this?"
"Bielefeld, Shibuya, what is your egg's name?" Mr. Kleist asked, coming to them with a clipboard in his hand.
"Hmm…Pochi," Yuuri answered off-handedly.
"Pochi?!" Wolfram shouted out in offense. "Our child will not be named Pochi!"
"'Our child'…?!" Yuuri repeated in horror, his face visibly paling.
"Liesel. Liesel Bielefeld is our child's name."
"Why does it take your last name? Why not mine? And if you ask me, Liesel sounds worse than Pochi. Pochi's a cute name!" Yuuri stated, trying to ignore the fact that that egg had been called his child again.
"My last name is just better. Plus, Liesel means dignified and elegant. The kind of name you want for a child."
"…It's an egg, Bielefeld. And Pochi is cuter."
"I think the name Liesel is wonderful," Mr. Kleist cut in, writing it down before Wolfram argued back. "Although Pochi is such an adorable name too. Good luck, you two. Let your love protect the egg!"
Why did he keep saying that? Eccentricity only excused you so far…
Wolfram was now looking at their egg rather determinedly. Why, Yuuri wasn't sure, but he was quickly learning that Wolfram didn't seem to know the term 'taking it easy' very well.
"Shibuya, do you have a marker?"
"Uh, sure," Yuuri mumbled, reaching into the bag next to him to pull one out. "Why?"
Instead of answering, the blonde just took the marker without any words and began drawing on the egg. Finishing it up, he showed it to Yuuri.
He had drawn a smiley face on it.
"There. Now it seems more like our child."
Yuuri blinked, brushing his hand through his dark hair absent-mindedly. "I'm not seeing how…"
"Hmph," Wolfram snorted. "Use your imagination. Now, since I want to get a perfect score, this egg will matter more than your own life. You got that?!"
"…It's an egg!" Yuuri cried out. "No egg is more important than my life!"
"It better be more important than your life, wimp!"
"…Wimp?! Why am I a wimp?!"
"You won't protect our child with your life! You're an obvious wimp!"
"But it's an egg!"
"It's our child!" Wolfram ground out, his emerald eyes glaring up a storm. "And if you are any kind of good husband and father, you will gladly sacrifice your life for your child!"
"H-husband! Husband?! Husband!" Yuuri found himself repeating the word over and over, it sounding stranger each time. "Since when am I your husband?!"
"Since Mr. Kleist paired us together for this project. Obviously, wimp."
"Don't call me that!"
"I'll call you what I want! You're my husband!"
"I'm not some possession! Or your husband!"
What was this guy's problem?
"You are and now, we're making a schedule. We will go to each other's house every other day. Today, you will go to mine. Tomorrow, I will go to yours. Our child will spend the night with me tonight, then tomorrow, you. You got that?"
"Sure, whatever," the dark-haired teen murmured, frowning. "But why? Why can't we just give to each other every morning when we get to school?"
"Children need a nurturing home life. They need to know their parents have a good relationship. Our child will have the best parenting we can offer," Wolfram explained, talking as if he was saying something as simple as the weather. Didn't he realize how completely insane he sounded?
And yet, even though he knew it would make no difference, Yuuri felt he just had to say it again.
"Bielefeld, you seriously know this is an egg, right? Not a real child?"
"Of course I know!"
"Okay, that's good…" Even though I don't think you do, Yuuri added on in his thoughts.
Wolfram gave a quick look of annoyance to his partner before haughtily looking away.
"Whatever, wimp." Oh no, the insult was sticking. What was it? Some kind of odd pet name? He did not want a pet name. What was wrong with just being called Shibuya or Yuuri? "Now, we need to set some rules for our child. I won't let anything wrong go with this project or our egg."
And oh no, things were just getting stranger and stranger. It hadn't seemed possible, but they really were.
"If I look at them closely, I can really see some chemistry. Oh, Wolfram and Shibuya. Cute!"
"Izumi, can we please get back to our work…?"
Somebody? Save me.
Notes: The last two people talking are the girl that was fangirling over Wolfram, and her unfortunate partner that will have to hear her fangirl. He's nameless. Just call Unfortunate Sap #1. But please review! There will be some Yuuram action. I pinky promise.