Moving Along 44: Bada Boom
Author's Note: Here it is. The season finale of Moving along. Endless thanks to Cheryl who not only contributed one-liners, but even beta'd the rather long episode.
You know... if anyone has something to bitch about it's me. A year and a half ago I was a kick ass soldier on an elite team of explorers to the far reaches of the galaxy. Now I'm stuck in a three year old body for another 10 years. I think I have plenty to bitch about.
So yeah... I act out sometimes. All the fault of the hormones in this new body. I can't control myself like the good old days. The upside? The gray is gone and my knees don't hurt. Just doesn't quite make up for the rest of it.
Cassie is in a foul mood. I don't think it's just PMS. All because of the incident at the mall. I don't know what she's so angry about. Maybe because the only thing she bought was a hot pink thong she won't wear. No matter. I can put it to good use.
Her punishment is none of her girlfriends get to come over for a month. Gaggle of geese. Janet was livid about the incident. Caught on tape. Who knew she'd see the news report in the mountain. I think some 'kind' soul brought it to her attention. Probably even taped it for her. She certainly couldn't wait to show Daniel when he and the rest of SG-1 got back from their mission.
I think Teal'c said something about a great warrior is one who uses any weapon that comes to hand. Somehow that didn't go over well with Mama either. Needless to say she's PMSing too. I think. Who knows?
I am ready for some fun. I've got my black jeans, my black tee-shirt, my stealth sneakers and my wraparound Ray Bans that Sam got me last Christmas. I look totally cool. Nobody knows I have marbles in my pocket or the thong of death.
Here comes Sam, Teal'c and that new guy Cameron. Save me from southern drawls. My eyes narrowed. Trial by fire? Even though I'm innocently sitting well away from the grill and on the steps of the deck. He wouldn't suspect a thing.
Sam and Teal'c give me a hug. They don't baby-sit me often. Not that I need baby sitting, but for some reason Daddy and Mama refuse to leave me in the house alone. You'd think they didn't trust me.
"Hey, little guy," Cameron said in that adult to baby tone. He's dead. I notice Sam and Teal'c exchanged looks. They didn't warn him.
I nodded with dignity. "Colonel Mitchell," I said formally. He did a double take. Heh.
He had no response to that so he went to make himself useful over by the grill. I slipped off the step and into the bushes. Phase One to commence. 'Little guy' my hot pink thong.
The first marble hit his calf. He jumped and yelped. The marble kindly rolled off the deck unseen. The second hit his thigh.
"What do you have here? Monster mosquitoes?" he asked. I was impressed how everyone looked blandly innocent.
Shot number three hit with force and accuracy on his not so little butt. Kind of funny watching him grab his rear with a girly yip.
I was going for the next shot when I heard a voice behind me. "Hand it over," Cassie said.
I looked up at her. "You're not going to wear it," I offered scrunching it back into my pocket.
She gave a long suffering sigh. "Stop shooting Cam or I'm telling," she said.
I snorted. "Spoil sport."
The next moment I heard Patches yipping frantically in the kitchen. I heard a crash. Then I heard Mama swearing with such eloquent graphic detail a puff of blue smoke came out the sliding door. So did Patches for that matter and straight to his dog house.
Patches loves peanut butter. So I smeared some on Mama's shoes. I guess that didn't go over well.
Cassie sighed. "Hell spawn."
I looked at her innocently. "What?"
Cassie looked up then. "Speaking of spawn from hell..." she muttered.
I turned around to see what she was looking at. Neill had come home... with... her. The hell bitch. His current girlfriend. Leeza... also known as Sleeza. If there is one thing this entire family agrees on is Neill's sudden lack of taste and common sense.
"We have a foothold situation," I said. "Hathor has arrived."
"Do you have any marbles left?" Cassie asked.
"Naturally," I replied. "What does he see in her? She's so ugly when she walks along the beach the tide won't come in."
Cassie giggled. Leeza really wasn't ugly. She was just… perfect… like a life size perfectly coiffed Barbie doll. Did I mention Neill suddenly loss of common sense and taste. It's pretty much a given Cassie and I hate miss snooty.
Then it hit me. The Starbuck's Barbie brigade. Miss Flip-two-three-four... They had to be related. I looked at her nails. They were bright orange. And as long as galvanized roofing nails.
Slowly I withdrew the shooter. It was a matter of honor. Cassie moved in front of me with her arms crossed offering me cover. I took careful aim. The shots had to count now.
It hit her hair. It bounced! I'm serious! Bounced like it hit a goa'uld personal shield! She shrieked.
"My hair!!" she cried. Her perfect coiffure fluttering in the air like Pinhead in the movie Hellraiser.
In shock I clung to the back of Cassie's shirt. Leeza then flipped her hair. I was horror struck. Doubly so when Neill made a beeline straight for us.
He stopped in front of us and held out his hand. "Hand it over, squirt," he said.
Cassie and I managed identical expressions of pure innocence while I hid the offending thong/marble shooter in my pocket.
"God, what do you see in her," Cassie said trying the distraction routine.
"Aren't you a little old to be playing with Barbie dolls?" I added helpfully.
"She's a nice girl," Neill said defensively taking the bait.
"Aspiring to be her first prime?" I asked.
Neill snarled something I'm pretty sure would have rivaled Mama's outburst that sounded something along the lines of three zat blasts disintegrates. He stalked away to assure Sleeza her nails were still perfect little talons of despair.
Cassie sighed and I patted her hand. "Don't worry," I said. "It's not over yet."
My sister nodded as she watched Neill comforting Leeza. The way she was flinging about her perfect nails she should be hitting his jugular any time now. And the expression on his face... well, we can only hope a grain of sense has returned. Or I'm guessing Hathor wasn't the only one with access to Nishta. Time will tell.
I'm sure you've noticed I haven't mentioned Daniel. You see, Daddy's a little distracted. Okay, a lot distracted. He's got a ring burning a hole in his pocket. Mama has no idea what was coming. Actually, I think she's the only one who doesn't know. With the possible exception of Leeza and Patches. Wait... I just insulted my dog.
Fortunately dinner didn't rely on Daddy. Teal'c took over grilling duties. Steaks, burgers, hot dogs, salad... the works. Although watching Leeza trying to eat a hot dog with a fork brought to mind images that don't belong in the head of a three year old. And if that's how she's keeping my brother in line... shudder.
Daddy and Mama were shooed away from clean up duties. It was time for him to make his move. He took her by the hand and they walked out into garden. There was a stone bench under a yellow maple that was just changing color. The perfect scene.
I was going to watch, but I had other plans. Time for phase... uh... I think I lost count. No matter. I casually mentioned to Neill he might want to take Leeza around to other side of the shed to give Mama and Daddy privacy for the big moment.
Everything was in place. I grabbed my stash from my rosebush cave and headed for the compost bin. It wasn't easy shoving the bottles into the sides through the mesh, but I managed. The only problem was time. Cherry bombs had short fuses.
I lit all three with my lighter and ran. Patches ran with me thinking it was a new game. This was gonna be good.
Uh oh... maybe a little too much nitrate based fertilizer. But you gotta admit it was spectacular. The contents of the compost bin mushroomed into an awe inspiring explosion. On the downside... the contents rained down on everything... and everyone. And the stink...
I heard the voices of Daddy and Mama raised in unison.
Don't worry. The Adventures of Little Jack will continue in Season Three: Skipping Along.