A/N: This story was written by my brother when he was in 6th grade on a jornada 720 PDA, thats why the grammar is so bad. This is in no way related to my hamburglar story, but it does make a reference. Sorry, and enjoy!
It was cold saturday morning. Bert opened up the old, yellow shades. Outside it was pouring down like cats and dogs. Bert was planning on feeding pigeons today, and going out with a couple of "buddies" tonight, if you know what I mean, but his plans were ruined. The pigeons were in the park, him and his buddies hung out in the park near the swings (if you know what I mean). Now, he was stuck at home with Ernie. Ernie, how was a buddy of his since college, had been very aggravating to Bert. Burt woke Ernie up by shaking him violently.
"Aghhh what do you want" Ernie shouted at what he thought was the boogieman.
"Hey orangey don't you have a job" Burt said in a hung over daze.
"Oh no not again "Ernie said.
Ernie got up then pulled on what he called his uniform a white suit with little specks of bird poop (these specks weren't necessary) that made Ernie feel special like when his momma hugged him when he was young (how should I put this his momma hugged 1 to many strangers then disappeared). Ernie went off to scrape some poop when Burt stopped him.
"You forgot your "hat" said burt. (This "hat" of his was a paper bag that shaded him from the humiliation of being "weird" if you know what I mean. after a certain news article came out with a headline of "Bert and Ernie gay?")
When Ernie got to his job he was whipped several times by the snout of a certain snuffaluffagus.
"LATE AGAIN" his boss big bird screamed in a drunken rage.
"I am sorry it wont happen again boss," Ernie cried.
Ernie went through another day off getting whipped scraping poop and crying at what he thought was a good job (he was getting paid 2.50 an hour).
while that was happening bert was scavenging through the small appartment building the couple shared through the broken funiture past the tv with a blood stained golf club (ernies blood was on this) .the big mess had happened a few weeks ago after bert had been at the bar until 3 inthe morning. for his bottle of orange murky dark liquid he called his little friend (later to find that he drank it all the night before this was a 2 liter bottle of booze). bert was searching under the bed the couple had shared when he came across a few blue furs and then cookie crumbs. this made burt mad, he took ernies american express card and left (he went to mr. hoopers liquor store).
Than, ernie stopped at cookie monsters house for milk and cookies (these cookies were loaded with laxitives). ernie went home. bert was waiting for him with a revolver in his back poket.
"ernie where were you" bert asked
"I was at my friends house"
"ernie you dont have any friends"
"Yes I do, the cookie monster"
"Did he give you cookies"
"Ernie what kind of cookies were they"
"I think they were called laxatives"
"Yes Ernie do you know what a laxative is"
"I don't know Bert I have to go the bathroom"
"Take a bath while you're at it I will get rubber duck" Bert said than took a swig of booze.
"I will take a bath when i want to I worked all day I wasn't allowed to rest. First a bird pooped..."
"I don't care" said Bert rudely
"Your drunk and you don't care I cant believe it never in my life"
"Where have you been every day for the past month, i have been drunk (Bert or Ernie didn't know this but he really had been boozing them on since he had enough money. Just put it this way he was 10.)
Ernie hadn't gotten to the bathroom yet.
"Ernie it's time I tell you something. This is about all those articles. I really think we're gay."
"Bert your drunk and we're not gay, if we were we wouldn't be wearing the pink under wear we made each other. Besides we're just men that like each other"
Bert finished his bottle of booze broke it over the TV screen and said
"Ernie its time either you or i go. I have a reputation. It's not a gay one. Its time you go" Bert took out the revolver.
Ernie said, "Please Bert I promise I will be straight." unexpectedly Ernie attacked then took the gun. With out aiming shot it several times each hitting Bert. Then put on a bandana.
Ernie had to do something he packed his bags and headed to the old falling apart McDonalds in the purple tubes (see hamburglar). Who knows how long he lived there.
When the cops finally came fuzz was every were and there was no trace of Ernie. That night you could hear Ernie saying Bert I am sorry.