Most of these stories are based on jokes that my sister and I came up with while playing Transformers: The Game. We have a habit of role-playing the Transformers' voices while we game (The most popular seems to be Barricade, voiced by my sister, and Blackout, voiced by me), and together, we often come up with some pretty interesting conversations (although a good portion of them seems to mock the relationships of Barricade and Bumblebee or Starscream and Megatron -cough-slash-cough-).
At Least I'm Safe Inside My Mind...
Note: I don't even remember how we came up with this one...
Frenzy sat between Blackout and Barricade, just staring intently at the wall, in his own little world. The two larger mechs stared down at him.
"Hey Blackout, do you ever wonder what Frenzy thinks about?" Barricade asked without looking up.
"Only all the time. Let's go find Soundwave and find out," Blackout replied, standing up. He returned with Soundwave by his side. "So, Soundwave... What's he thinking?"
Soundwave was silent, no doubt picking through Frenzy's mind. After a moment, he looked back at Blackout. "All I'm getting is static... Lots and lots of static... And some Polka station from Ohio..."
"What about Bonecrusher? What's he thinking?" Barricade asked, nodding towards the sand colored mech sitting by himself at the other end of the couch.
Soundwave was only in there a moment before he pulled back out in fear. "It's-it's very scary in there...!" he whimpered. Bonecrusher smirked sadistically.
Insert Coin and Press Start
Note: The thought of Decepticons actually behaving like this amuses me to no end.
"Hey, buddy! Can I come in and chat?" Blackout asked cheerfully, popping his head into Barricade's room.
Barricade was sitting in a beanbag chair playing Doom on an outdated Nintendo system. "Yeah, sure. There's another beanbag in the closet. Plop your ass down," he replied invitingly.
Blackout made himself comfortable and turned to face him. "So... weren't you going someplace tonight?"
"I was, but not anymore, on account of my bitch of a girlfriend broke up with me," he responded.
"Aww... How come?" Blackout asked.
"She was complaining about how I play too many video games and don't pay attention to her at all."
"Ouch... Then what happened?"
"I don't know. I was trying to beat my hi-score on Frog-A-Pult and stopped listening to her after the first five minutes."
"Dude...Barricade...Can you ever hold down a girlfriend for longer than a week?" Blackout asked.
"Nope. There's always something wrong with them, so there's no reason to keep them for longer anyway," he shrugged.
"What about that girl you were with four weeks ago? What was wrong with her?"
"She was a lesbian."
"Oh...Well that's a good reason I guess...Okay, what about the girl three weeks ago?"
"She talked too much. It was annoying."
"The one two weeks ago?"
"She blinked too much. It was as if she never wanted to see me."
"What is wrong with you?"
"Oh, so many things..."
"You do realize that you are doomed to die a sad and lonely existence, right?"
"No I won't. I'll always have you."
"Aww, Barricade, that's so..."
"Yep, just you and Doomguy here," he nodded at the TV.
"...sweet..." Blackout finished his sentence.
"Ooh! Watch me blow those Imps into gibs!" Barricade said, distractedly pulling out a rocket launcher.
Note: Another thing we like to do is make cop jokes about Barricade and poke fun at various Transformers' masculinity.
Barricade had no idea why he liked these fried rings of dough that overweight humans were so fond of. All he knew was he couldn't stop eating them. The other Decepticons weren't so pleased with this fact, as Barricade happened to be the second messiest eater amongst their ranks after Blackout. Bonecrusher particularly was rather pissed about the mess, as he was currently being punished by Starscream with the task of cleaning the base after he had called the second-in-command a whore behind his back and had been overheard.
"Barricade, you keep dropping sprinkles on the floor I just cleaned!" he snarled.
"They didn't drop. They jumped," he replied with a mouth full of doughnut.
"They didn't want to get eaten, so they took their own lives," Blackout smirked.
"Hey! Don't encourage him!" Bonecrusher snapped.
"Bonecrusher, Starscream told you to clean the base, not turn into a cranky femmebot," Barricade snickered, making even more of a mess. Bonecrusher attempted to swat him and missed when he ducked. "Ooh, someone's PMS-ing!"
"PMS-ing? Seems more like he's pregnant to me," Blackout teased, winning himself a glare and the finger from Bonecrusher. Bonecrusher stormed off angrily to get away from them.
"Hey Bonecrusher, don't let the door hit you in the interface port on the way out!" Barricade called after him, causing his victim to twitch violently.
Blackout giggled. "I love how high-pitched and feminine-sounding his voice gets when he's angry."
"Me too," Barricade agreed.
What They Don't Know
Note: I couldn't stop laughing while I wrote this one.
Bonecrusher silently walked past the other Decepticons, carrying something wrapped in a towel. He paid no attention to the looks that the others were giving him and continued on his way to his room.
"What do you think's in the towel?" Brawl asked.
"Knowing Bonecrusher, probably someone's head," Starscream replied.
"Maybe he killed a rodent or something and decided it would make a nice pet," Barricade suggested.
"This is Bonecrusher we're talking about, so I don't think I want to know what's in the towel," Megatron shuddered.
Meanwhile, Bonecrusher arrived at his room and closed and locked the door behind him. He unwrapped the towel, revealing a teddy bear wearing a hand-knit sweater that read "Princess Kitty" and cuddled it.
"Would Mr. Beaner care for some tea and a muffin?" Bonecrusher asked the bear.