You lay in my arms. Naked. There are no walls of insecurity between us right now. There is just you and me. Me and you.
I think you're sleeping but I can't be sure. Your perky breasts rise up and down steadily and you're eyes are closed but you could just be resting.
"I love you," I say, no lies.
Your eyes open and they look at me. There's this thing you do with your eyes when you want to say something but never do. It's like your eyes can speak only they can't.
I sit up. You sit up. I have nothing but you left in my life. Lilly is gone, my mother is gone, my father and my sister are gone. You are my family now.
You scan the room we're in, my hotel suite. If there were words to describe what you looked like I would have used them. But there aren't any. Veronica Mars, your beauty is not composed of words.
Then you get up. You blush shyly. You never really liked to flaunt your naked body in front of me.
"My dad is probably wondering where I am," You make an excuse.
I know that's not the reason.
You're leaving because it's what you do and I wish I could tell you that it's okay. I should understand right?
But I don't. I don't understand why you can't let me inside you completely Veronica. Tell me why, make me understand why it's so hard to break through all those layers.
"Why don't you stay? It's late," I try and coo you to bed but you'll have none of it.
"I can't, my dad remember?" You giggle as I wrap an arm around you protectively.
I want to protect you, keep you safe from all the trouble you seem to find. But you won't let me. You don't even let your dad protect you.
"Veronica, you're 19 years old not 13," I remind you but you just roll your eyes in typical Veronica fashion.
I watch as you dress. Each piece of clothing is put back on with care like they're made with the finest of material.
You walk out and wait for me at the door. I wish I could resist you and not want to walk you to the door. It would make this much easier on me.
How long this time Veronica?
Last time you didn't answer my calls for 2 weeks. Will it be 3 this time? Why can't you just let me in? Let me protect you Veronica, I won't let you down.
"Thank you," your voice is soft and harmonious.
"I'll call you tomorrow," I say.
You lean up and kiss my cheek and honestly it's like silk on my cheek. Why do you do this to me?
We broke up again.
This time I have no idea why we were fighting to begin with.
Sometimes I think you just find reasons to break up with me because you're afraid of letting me in.
I'm not your mother, Veronica. I won't run away when things get tough. I want to be there for you.
I call and call, leaving 26 voicemail messages on your phone and the sad thing is you never reply back to one of them.
Things would have been so much easier with Lilly here. I wouldn't be caught up with you. Maybe you think the same.
You finally answer your phone but I can tell you're not happy. I can tell by the way you growl at me and tell me you don't want to talk. You really just don't want to talk.
"Veronica, I'm not sure I can do this," I tell you.
I hear myself sigh and hope you haven't heard it too.
"Do what?" You ask like you don't know.
My hand runs through my hair. I'm worried that if I keep chasing you and you keep running that eventually I'll hate you. I don't want to hate you Veronica.
"Us. I think it's time we decided whether we want this or not."
This conversation should be one we do in person but I know you'd never agree to talk in person now.
"I don't know what I want," I can hear the apprehensiveness in your voice.
"It's tiring. I can't chase you forever, Veronica Mars. Sometimes you're really fast and I can't catch up and sometimes you're just waiting at the corner but when I finally reach you, you run again. It's tiring, Veronica."
I imagine you staring blankly at the ceiling, tears threatening to come out. But you won't let them will you? I imagine you lying in bed unable to sleep wanting to call and apologise but you won't will you?
"So we're over?" You ask this like you're unsure.
"I don't want us to be, but yes."
You don't reply or even give me solace with your breathing. I hear half a curse word before the phone cuts out and I assume you've hung up.
I forget what you look like. Were your eyes green or blue?
I forget what you look like until I arrive at your wedding just on time and watch you walk down that isle in a beautiful plain white dress holding blood red flowers looking adoringly at the tall brunette man at the altar already.
Suddenly I have all these memories that I had locked away. I remember everything. Your eyes, your ears, your feet and your hands, your smile, laugh and moan. I remember how you felt and tasted and smelt.
You walk straight past me and for a second I think I go unnoticed but you quickly glance back and stare into my eyes.
Do they look tired to you?
They should I haven't slept well for years.
At the reception your new found husband is talking to your father and you find your way to me.
I don't see you immediately because I am trying to forget about you by chatting up girls only for some reason I seem to be repelling more than I am attracting.
"Oh my God you're like Aaron Echoll's son right?" I hear you say.
You place a hand on my shoulder and smile beautifully.
"Hey," I say.
"I didn't expect you here. Dad said he sent the invitation but he wasn't sure if you'd get it because it was the last known address. Apparently you disappeared for awhile and even my dad couldn't track you down, Echolls," You say, laughing and giggling.
I disappeared. I'd like to tell you that a year after we broke up for good I went to Spain. I'd like to tell you that when I was in Spain I got sick and was diagnosed with Leukaemia. I'd like to tell you that I almost died and that I was in remission for awhile before the cancer came back and I almost died again. I want to tell you most of all that I have been diagnosed with advanced stages of Leukaemia now and that they don't expect me to live longer then 6 – 8 months.
"Yeah, I left Neptune for awhile and kind of just did my own thing," I say instead.
"I even asked Dick if he'd heard from you but he rambled on about you going to Spain and getting really sick but he was drunk so I didn't really take anything he said seriously," You laugh.
You smile at me and I think you're happy to see me and I was happy to see you until your husband found you and wrapped his arms around you.
"Spencer this is Logan, he's a good friend of mine from high school," You introduce us.
We politely talk for a few minutes before you both excuse yourself to talk to others. I hang around for a few more hours.
When I am sure you're not looking I pull out a letter from my pocket and pass it to your dad. He asks what it is but I don't explain. I just tell him to give it to you and that I'm sorry for not saying anything.
I only came because I had to let you know I was dying. I only came to get what will most likely be my last glance at the girl I loved.
I take a final look at you on the dance floor, smiling, laughing and generally happy in the arms of Spencer.
Little one shot for LoganVeronica fans...well sort of. They don't end up together.